Tom was frustrated. He sat in the office with me and another pastor as we confronted him with our suspicions that he had been looking at pornography. Tom admitted that he had spent a considerable amount of time looking at porn, but he stressed that he had quit almost a week ago. He knew what he had done was wrong, so he told another friend at church and downloaded accountability software onto his computer.
We were encouraged by these steps, but then we asked Tom if he had confessed this sin to his wife. He had not. When we insisted he must tell his wife what he had done, Tom became deeply agitated. In frustration he protested, “My wife doesn’t know. Telling her about this would create a conflict rather than solve one. And there’s really nothing to tell her since I haven’t looked in a while.” Finally he added, “It’s not like I committed adultery with an actual person. I never stopped having sex with my wife.” Tom strongly felt that confessing his sin to his wife was a bad idea.
Eventually, after talking it over, Tom agreed to confess his sin to his wife. He did what we encouraged him to do, and in the end their relationship was stronger for it. Tom later told me that confessing his sin to his wife was one of the main things the Lord used to keep him from ever returning to pornography.
Before Tom was willing to confess to his wife, we had to prove to him that confessing to her would actually help him in his battle against sin. In the first chapter, I talked about the importance of confessing our sin to God; in this chapter, we’ll be looking at the need to confess our sin to others. My prayer is that, like Tom, you will understand the powerful grace of confessing your sin to those who are harmed by your involvement with pornography.
Tom needed to know our advice was biblical before he would accept it, and I’m sure the same is true for you. The Bible states, “Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy” (Proverbs 28:13). At least three truths in this passage illustrate how important it is for you to be a person who confesses sin.
First, it is important to confess sin because the Bible tells us that confession is the way we receive the promise of God’s mercy and blessing. This proverb teaches us that it is bad to cover up our sins and that it is good to confess them openly. Notice this is not in the form of a command—it’s a promise. The Bible promises that there is no prosperity for those who cover up their sin. On the other hand, good things will come to those who expose their evil deeds. God’s Word graciously calls us to confess our sins because confessing is better than concealing. Like surgery, pain actually promotes healing. So the first and most obvious reason you should expose your sin of looking at pornography is that it is a mark of wisdom to seek the merciful blessings that come with uncovering sin.
A second reason it is important to confess sin has to do with the kinds of mercy that come to those who confess. One kind of mercy that comes with confession is the blessing of openness and restoration in relationship. Sin separates you from those you’ve sinned against, creating walls between you and those you love. How can you repair this brokenness? What can you do to restore what your sin has destroyed? In the Bible there are no take backs, do-overs, or repeats. Sin is not a misstep corrected by simple adjustments. It is only through a process of confessing our sin that God allows us to make right what has been damaged and broken. To be restored to those you love—to receive mercy—you must first confess your sin.
Tom sinned against people who didn’t know they had been sinned against. Tom’s wife may not have been aware of his sin, but her lack of knowledge doesn’t change the fact that what Tom did broke his commitment to remain faithful to his wife. Regardless of whether Tom’s wife knew it or not, his sin led to a lack of openness and sincerity in their relationship. Tom could keep his wife in the dark, living in ignorance, but it is far better to desire a relationship with his wife built on honesty, trust, and full awareness of the other’s strengths and struggles. The only way for Tom to receive this mercy—the only way for you to receive this mercy—is to confess your hidden sin.
A third reason it is important to confess your sin relates to yet another kind of mercy that accompanies confession. James tells us that “God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble” (James 4:6). There are two important implications of this verse that relate to the struggle with pornography. On the one hand, I will assume you want to experience God’s merciful favor as you seek to move toward purity. After all, you may well be reading a book like this because you are desperate to know God’s power.
On the other hand, most people don’t want to confess their sin because of embarrassment or fear. You might be embarrassed about your struggle, not wanting others to know. You may be afraid of how they will respond when they discover what you have done. You can even make these fears sound holy and loving and turn them into legitimate reasons to avoid confession: I don’t want to put my loved one through a difficult ordeal. It would be wrong of me to inflict my troubles on those around me. Telling my spouse will just make matters worse. I can change my life privately without them needing to know. But at the heart of it, there is likely a more selfish reason for not confessing your secret sin: you are loving yourself and your reputation more than you love God and others; you are proud.
So how does a proud person come to know God’s favor? How does a person full of self-love receive God’s mercy to change? In James 4:6, God speaks his promise to you: If you want my favor, humble yourself; if you want my mercy, confess your sin. There is no mercy or favor for those who arrogantly cover their sin and keep it hidden. You will find God’s grace to change only when you humbly confess your sin—not just to God, but to all those you have wronged, whether they know it or not.
Hopefully, I’ve convinced you that confession is the path to healing and blessing. But I need to warn you as well. You need to be careful. Confessing your sin can be a tricky business. We live in a culture that does not understand how to confess sin. There are many common and hurtful mistakes people tend to make. Because your sin may come as a painful shock to those you have sinned against, it is very important to consider beforehand how to confess your sin in the wisest way possible. Here are six critical guidelines to make your confession as helpful as it should be.
The Bible has much to say about confessing sin, and we can’t look at all of it here. But if I were to try to boil dozens of verses down to one principle, I would say that the circle of your confession should be as broad as the circle of your sin. If you draw a circle around all the people your sin touches, then you should confess to everyone in that circle. God stands in the center of the circle, since all sin is ultimately committed against him (Psalm 51:4), but there are usually plenty of other people in the circle as well. You should confess to your spouse, since indulging in pornography is a blatant violation of the sexual fidelity promised in your marriage vows. You should confess to your fiancée for a similar reason—you’re preemptively breaking the vows you are committing to make. You will need to confess to accountability partners, since viewing porn is a break in your relationship with these fellow believers who have partnered with you for spiritual growth. You will need to confess to anyone whose equipment, money, or space you used—if you used your neighbor’s computer, your friend’s money, or your hallmate’s room, you should confess to them. There will often be others in the circle of your sin as well. The point is that you must confess to everyone you have wronged, even if they are unaware.
Given the first point, you might think it is safe to assume this guideline. It isn’t. Sometimes our guilt over sin can lead us to confession that is unwise or includes too many people out of a misplaced desire to “come clean” and “be real.” Here’s a story that illustrates how damaging this can be.
Several years ago, a male student of mine asked to speak privately with his female friend at the school. During that conversation this young man confessed that he had been plagued with lust for this young woman. He knew it was wrong to have lustful fantasies about her filling his mind, and so he asked for her forgiveness. I cannot express how much this young woman was freaked out by this conversation. I found out about it as she sat in my office crying, wondering how in the world she should respond.
What is wrong with this confession? After all, the young man was well-meaning, and he wanted to be serious about exposing the darkness in his heart to the light. It must have taken extreme humility and courage to share such a sin with a young woman he did not know well. His problem was that his method unwisely included more people than necessary. This man’s desire to unburden himself was tainted with his own selfishness. He wasn’t thinking about how troubling this information would be for this young woman, who had no idea there was any problem. The problem with his confession was not that the woman was unaware of the sin; it was the fact that the lustful man’s sin had not directly impacted her. Lust is first a sin of the heart and a sin against God. This man had not expressed his lustful thoughts in a way that affected this young woman. The guilty man needed to make the sin a matter of confession to God alone.
The lesson to learn from this is that you must not think of confession as being exclusively for you; you must also see it as an effort to serve God and neighbor that is guided by the teaching of Scripture and not by your own desires. Be sure the people to whom you confess your sins are within the circle of those offended by your sin. This principle does not mean it is always wrong to talk with others about your sin struggles in general terms as a testimony to God’s faithful care in your life. It also doesn’t mean you exclude spiritual mentors who can help hold you accountable for your thoughts and temptations. It does mean you need to be careful about involving people in your struggles against sin. As you consider these first two principles, you will likely have many questions about whom to include in your confession. If you do, pray. Ask God for wisdom. Seek the wisdom of others, such as a pastor, a wise Christian friend, a parent, or another wise believer. Ask for help as you sort these things out.
Tom’s marriage was ultimately stronger because of his honesty about his sin, but there were still bumps along the way. When Tom initially confessed, his wife was hurt, shocked, and angry. She cried. She asked how he could do this. She charged that he must not think she was attractive. She made him sleep on the couch. Tom responded by expressing his own frustration to his wife. “But I did the right thing! I confessed! And now you’re angry with me? Shouldn’t you be more gracious? More willing to forgive?”
The truth was that his wife was willing to forgive, but she needed time to process the crushing news Tom had delivered. Tom was frustrated because his expectations were unrealistic. He should have expected his wife to be wounded by his confession. He should have expected relational consequences. It was naive and unfair for him to assume his confession would be a quick fix. Instead, he needed to understand that his confession was the first step toward a solution.
When you confess your sin, you need to expect that those you’ve wronged are likely to be upset, angry, and deeply hurt by your sin. You should expect relational consequences, not all of which will be in just proportion to what you have done. Remember that we always sin against other sinners. Offering forgiveness can be just as hard as confessing sin.
The people we sin against know how to sin in response. A loved one may respond with emotional shock. Instead of reacting to their reaction, be prepared to stay calm and give them time for your confession to settle in. If a parent reacts with sinful anger, trust God! Instead of blaming them for their response and dulling your confession with an accusation, put yourself in their shoes. View their shock, hurt, and anger as another reflection of the seriousness of your sin and the deep wounds it has left in the hearts of those you love. No matter what the response, trust God to give you the grace to know how to handle it. Talk to the wise person helping you, and figure out what to do together. After you resolve to confess, know that it’s not your job to figure out all the possibilities, plan for every contingency, and worry about all the potential responses. Your job is simply to be faithful and do the next right thing. Confess with a willingness to accept consequences and work toward long-term restoration.
When Tom agreed that he should confess his sin, we offered to be present with him or to let him do it alone. Tom asked us to go with him. In fact, in my years in ministry I’ve never had a man in Tom’s situation tell me he wanted to confess his sin alone. I think choosing to confess with a third party present is often a very wise decision.
When you confess a serious and secret sin like pornography to someone you love, you will deal with countless variables. Having a trusted person there helps you handle those variables. When someone else is present, it can keep you from chickening out and not confessing. They can help you provide the right amount of detail so you avoid saying too much or not enough. They can guide you in knowing how to answer questions the other person asks and can be an encouragement to your loved one that you really are seeking outside help and not handling things by yourself. Having a third party present also encourages the other person to avoid a sinful response. Finally, a wise third party can help chart a path forward so both people know what to do after the confession.
When you select the person who accompanies you, it is wise to choose a mature Christian whom the other person can respect and trust. An accountability partner isn’t necessarily the best choice. You might feel comfortable going with this person, but he or she might not be the best choice to inspire confidence and comfort with the person you’re addressing. Talk it over, pray for wisdom, and make a thoughtful decision that will serve the process and the best interests of the person to whom you are confessing.
In her pain, Tom’s wife demanded to know the specifics of what Tom had been viewing. She asked detailed questions about what the women he was watching looked like, and what they were doing. Such questions put Tom in an awkward position. He wanted to be honest with his wife and not anger her by refusing the information, but he wasn’t sure it was helpful for her to know such details. Tom was entirely right to have these qualms. In my experience, many spouses (especially wives) hunt for meticulous details in the aftermath of such devastating revelations. When they find that their spouses have been living in a repeated pattern of secret sin, they want unfiltered access to every bit of information. They want to gain a sense of control by obtaining information they have been denied. Such impulses are understandable, but usually not helpful. Providing graphic details about the kind of porn you have been viewing can actually harm the restoration process. Vivid details, once lodged in the mind, are hard to extract. A person may feel that knowing such particulars will help, but it actually hurts.
At the same time, it was important for Tom—and for you as well—to be forthright and thorough in his confession. Those to whom you confess need to know you have a problem with pornography (not just a struggle with lust), and they need some idea of how serious the struggle is. They may need to know how frequent the struggle is—every day, every week, every month? They may need to know if you are in financial or legal trouble. They may need to know if you are looking at a type of porn that indicates you have other problems besides a desire to view heterosexual pornography. Talk with your accountability partner about how to confess the details as thoroughly as possible while knowing that the person hearing your confession absolutely does not need to know exhaustive details about what you have looked at.
Putting a cap on the amount of information you provide can be tricky to do. The person you are confessing to may view your restraint as a sign that you are being evasive and less than forthcoming. This is another reason you should consider having a third party with you who can gently help the other person realize the prudence of a controlled confession.
Tom made a critical error when he confessed to his wife. After he fessed up, Tom said something foolish before either of us in the room could stop him. He commented that perhaps if she had a more active sexual relationship with him, he would not have been tempted. His wife did not take that very well.
Her response was understandable because Tom’s suggestion was selfish and wrong. This kind of statement transfers the responsibility for your sin onto another person. When you sin, you are the one responsible (Mark 7:21–23). Other people can sin against you, make your life difficult, and entice you to sin, but they can never make you sin. When you sin, it is always your fault, and you should never say or do anything to make it sound like the fault lies elsewhere. If someone did sin against you, it is necessary to bring that up only after you have confessed and taken full responsibility for your own sin (Matthew 7:1–5).
I know I’m asking you to do something that is hard. As you consider taking this step toward purity, it may feel like confessing a secret sin is one of the hardest things you have ever been asked to do. I know how overwhelming it can feel to consider confessing such a serious sin and to be terrified that those you love will hate you for it. To overcome this fear, you must focus on two truths.
First, you must avoid living in fear and instead trust in God’s Word. As you confront the challenge of confessing your sin to others, you have a choice to make. Will you follow your fears and stay silent, or will you live by faith and confess? From your perspective, there will be many reasons to remain silent. You will think about preserving your shell of integrity, protecting your loved ones from harm, or sparing your relationships pain and heartache. God’s Word pierces through these confused, fearful, and selfish arguments with a bold and clear message: He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy. Will you trust your twisted wisdom or God’s trustworthy Word? Will you find mercy, or will you know distress?
Second, if you are to fight your fears and know the mercy of confession, you will find you can’t do it yourself. You need power. You need grace. The confession we have discussed in this chapter must be covered in grace at the beginning of the process and at the end. We have already talked about the mercy and grace that comes to those who confess their sin. Here we must acknowledge that in order to experience the grace that flows from confession of sin, you need the power that leads to confession. The power you need that leads to your confession of sin is the forgiving and transforming grace we have discussed from the outset of this book. You need to seek God’s forgiving grace for not confessing your sin, and you need God’s transforming grace to empower you to make your confession. When you receive God’s grace to make your confession to others, then you will receive God’s grace, which flows from that confession. Confession is bookended with grace. If you are tempted to follow your fears, confess those fears to Jesus. Ask him for his forgiving grace. Beseech God to give you his transforming grace that will empower you to confess your sin where it is essential to do so. Jesus loves you. He wants you to be pure. If you trust him, he will meet you with kindness and give you what you need to be forgiven … and to change.
1. Who are the people your sin has affected that you need to approach with an honest confession? Do you have a spouse or fiancée? Have you lied to those you love so you could indulge in pornography? Have you used the technology or money of people who would not approve? Write down the people in the circle of your sin.
2. Perhaps there are people you are unsure about. As you think about confessing your sin to all who are touched by your sin—and not confessing to those who are not—there may be some gray areas. Write down the names of people you have questions about. Talk with the person helping you about these concerns.
3. Do you have any questions for your accountability partner about your confession? Are there others whom it would be wise to take with you as you confess your sin? Write down any names and discuss them with your accountability partner.
4. Now you need to encounter God’s forgiving and transforming grace. Where have you been guilty of sin in the midst of the call to confess your sin? Have you avoided confession, even though you knew it was necessary? What fears have you believed instead of God’s Word? Write them down and pray through the list, asking for the forgiving grace of Jesus. Now ask Jesus to empower you to be obedient to confess your sin.
5. Make an appointment within twenty-four hours with the first person on your list of those who need to hear your confession. Move through your list in a faithful and timely way, working with your accountability partner on any issues that arise.