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I DON’T REMEMBER MUCH about the walk back to my parents’ house. It was late, very late—or maybe early, early morning—when we arrived.
I felt like a robot. My movements were strangely mechanical, as though I had to order my brain to give the code to do the task at hand. Everything took twice as long to do, and everything seemed twice as hard to accomplish.
I barely registered walking through the door to my parents’ house, and barely paid any attention to the quiet that greeted us. I was only briefly jolted out of my brain fog when I turned on the water in the guest bathroom, and it was more at the noise than at the hot water running down my hands.
Children.
The word rang in my head several times.
I didn’t notice much as I dumped Raiya into the tub, clothes and all, taking care to show her the shampoo, conditioner, etc. I tossed her a towel and then went out to sit in the living room, my thoughts consuming me as I sat there.
I’m pretty sure hours passed before I was interrupted from my inner disturbance.
“Hamilton?”
I turned at the sound of my mother’s voice.
“Are you alright?”
I shook my head.
I’d known there was evil in the world. I knew it even long before I’d rationalized it away throughout my teen years. But coming face to face with it, and to hold the innocent victims of it in my own hands, was harder than arguing over any legal damages.
On top of that, there was Raiya. There had been days when I wanted nothing more than to have her back. And she was here now. But she wasn’t. Not really.
She didn’t know me anymore. And truth be told, I barely knew me anymore. The idea of getting to know her all over again, after forcing myself to forget about her, was almost as painful as losing her.
“Is there something I can do for you?” Cheryl asked. She handed me her cup of coffee, pushing it into my hand.
“I don’t know,” I told her honestly.
“What happened?”
I forced myself to say the words, knowing she would likely disapprove and I would be less adamant in disagreeing with her. “Raiya’s here.”
Cheryl said nothing. There was a strange expression on her face as she squeezed my shoulder affectionately. “Tell me what you need. I’ll help you.”
There was enough coherency about me that registered my surprise when she didn’t ask, “Raiya who?” or sigh indignantly.
I’d been up long enough, and done so much, that I was ready to go to bed. I was ready to go to bed and not wake up.
I knew I still had things to do. I needed rest, and it would come in time. I had to take care of Raiya first.
“I need someone to take care of Lyra and Lucas today,” I said. “Can you stay home?”
“I took a half day. Your father can watch them, perhaps, until I get home,” Cheryl said. “He was going to take Adam to school this morning, so I’m sure he won’t have any trouble taking care of the other two kids. I’ll help him when I get home.”
“Thanks.” It was enough. For now.
“You know,” Cheryl said quietly, “he called off work today. He was hoping to have a talk with you.”
I shook my head. I didn’t really want to talk with my dad. “I need time,” I said.
“No,” Cheryl told me softly. “You need to rest. When you were younger, you always seemed like you could take on the world a thousand times and still win. But you’re not the same person anymore, and you need to rest.”
“I’ve never felt this tired,” I said, my confession surprising me as much as I no doubt surprised her.
“Perhaps that is my fault. When you were younger, it was so easy to think that one person could change the world. And while I do think that is still possible, I now see that people working together, rather than alone, yield better results.”
She patted my hand affectionately as I nodded.
I stood up, her coffee still in my hands. “I’m going to need to borrow some of your old clothes,” I added as I headed back up the stairs.
“There’s plenty in the guest room,” she said. “I keep all my older things there, just in case they come back into fashion. Tell Raiya she can have her pick.”
I nodded. “Thanks.”
Part of me wanted to go to my room and lie down, and fall asleep there. I didn’t want to think about the last day, or day and a half now, and I didn’t want to think about the next day, or the one after that.
I knew they were going to be hard to get through.
It was the other part of me that won out in the end. I walked to Raiya’s room. I knocked, but there was no answer. I peeked in, making sure she was out of the bath, and I saw she was already lying down on the bed, curled up.
For a moment, I stopped and watched her. I’d seen her sleep before, and I could hardly tell that any time had passed at all when I looked at her.
Her long hair was free, splayed out against the pillow. Her one leg stuck out from the side of the cover. I thought I even recognized the pair of pajamas she was wearing, one of the fluffier pairs Cheryl had barely worn and then tossed out over the years. Raiya would like that one, I thought with a small smile.
I made my way over to her and brushed a tendril of hair out of her face. She sighed softy, her sleep deep and peaceful looking. Squinting, I could see her dreams were comforting, and I hoped they were providing a soothing slumber for her.
Well, I guess I don’t have to worry about her falling asleep in a strange place tonight.
I was just about to leave when she sighed again. “Hamilton?” She rolled over, still half-asleep.
“Uh, what is it?” I asked. I felt awkward, almost like I’d gotten caught spying on her.
Instead of reproaching me, she took a hold of my hand. “Stay.”
I had no resistance.
I held onto her hand and lay down next to her, my eyes never leaving her face as I drifted slowly off to sleep.
When I woke up later, she was still asleep next to me. It was hard to tell how much time had passed. There was only a grayish beam of light shining through the slivers of the curtains, and I could hear the rhythmic falling of the rain outside.
Nothing in the house moved. I wondered if we had slept through the whole day, or if it was just that everyone was gone for the day.
I looked up at the ceiling of the room. I felt the warmth of Raiya’s hand, still tucked carefully in mine. I watched as the soft light fell on her.
A small twinkle of light fell on her chest; I could see the hint of an old scar cutting down through the middle of her heart.
Dante told me her heart had exploded, I recalled. So what exactly had happened to her?
Adonaias, I decided. A rush of regret and shame ran through me. He’s given her a new heart, rather than a new wish.
I could still see him clearly in my mind as he protected us during the last battle with Draco. Was I right? I certainly thought I was, but I didn’t have a way to prove it. Just yet, anyway.
“Hey.” She looked over at me, her eyes blinking back sleep.
Despite everything, I smiled. “You’re awake.”
“What are you thinking about?” she asked.
I shook my head. “Nothing.”
“You’re more than just my friend, aren’t you?”
She said it was such conviction, I felt the warning flares of hope.
“You know me.”
“Yes,” I said.
“That’s why you saved me.”
“Yes.” I frowned.
“What is it?”
“There’s more. I was told that your power is connected to a black hole, and it can break through Time.”
She pulled herself up into a sitting position, releasing my hand, much to my dismay. “I don’t know or remember anything about that,” she said. “But I’m glad you were able to get me out of there.”
“Did they ... hurt you?” I could barely ask the question. I didn’t need to know whose suffering was greater between us. I already knew.
She ducked her head. “Yes,” she admitted quietly.
I reached over, awkwardly, and wrapped an arm around her shoulder. It’s almost like old times, I thought, pulling her into the nook underneath my arm. “Everything will be alright. I won’t let them hurt you again.”
She clutched back at me. “Thank you,” she said.
For a long time, she let me hold her, and that was just what I did.
The long moment was ruined when her stomach rumbled. She blushed as I laughed. “Excuse me,” she murmured.
“It’s no trouble.”
“You want to get some food?” Raiya asked.
It was a question she’d asked me before, when we were together.
My answer was the same, too. “My pleasure,” I replied.
She stilled. “What did you say?” she asked. She frowned and pulled back a bit from me.
“I said my pleasure,” I repeated carefully, my heart tingling with hope.
“Oh.” Raiya frowned.
“Are you okay?” I asked, trying not to be too effusive as I thought about it. She has to be remembering me!
“I have a headache,” she said.
My hope died again. This time, I wondered if it was going to stay dead.
I eased away from her. “Let me go see what kind of food we have here,” I said. Or what kind I could order, I added silently to myself.
Turned out, my mother’s French diet was actually bearable. I quickly found a storage container full of croissants and plenty of relatively normal stuff in the fridge.
By the time Raiya came downstairs, I was at home, making an omelet and pulling out the butter.
I stared at her as she came down.
There were bandages on her arms and her leg, but she was wearing an old pair of my gym shorts and one of my mom’s more casual shirts, showing off her legs nicely.
After some internal debate, I decided she looked mostly normal; I almost smiled, thinking of how I thought she looked scrawny when I’d first seen her as a teenager. There was no way that she was scrawny back then, especially when I saw her now.
I tried not to think about that.
Her hair was long and free, and if I had been my teenage self, I would’ve been tempted to run my hands through it. She rarely, if ever, let it hang loose. I had a hard time remembering just how long it was before ...
I stopped myself and turned back to the stove. “Omelet?” I offered. “The protein will be good for you.”
“Sure.” She came and stood next to me. “Can I help with something? I feel like I haven’t been in a kitchen in years.”
“Do you know how long you’ve been gone?” I asked.
She shook her head. “No, but I can probably still work in the kitchen without killing anyone, if you’re worried about that.”
That is probably true.
“Uh, if you want to help, you can.” I glanced around, trying to think of something that might help jump her memory. “Why don’t you make some coffee? My mother’s got the beans in that cabinet over there,” I said, nodding toward the machine.
Raiya didn’t have any trouble at all. She measured out the beans, ground them up, and had the coffee machine purring like a robotic kitten programed to pee out coffee.
“So ... Hamilton. Will you tell me about yourself?” Raiya asked.
“Ouch!” Just as she was asking her question, I managed to burn myself on the stove.
“Let me get that,” Raiya said, reaching over. When she took my hand, I felt the familiar stream of her healing power as it poured out of her and into me.
As she dropped my hand, I gaped at her.
“I have healing powers,” she explained, almost shyly. She turned back to the coffee machine as it beeped.
“I know,” I muttered, more to myself than to her. “I didn’t think you did. Not anymore.”
“I wasn’t strong enough before,” she said. “But I’ve been feeling much better today.”
Elysian had told me before that I managed to keep my powers, despite being a fallen Star. I guessed Raiya was still able to heal, even though she had no memory.
Was this what it was like for her while we were dating? I wondered. Falling in love with someone who was supposed to love you back, still recognizing they might not remember what the relationship had once been?
No wonder she’d pushed me away so adamantly when she first met me.
Raiya was blissfully unaware of my existential crisis as she pulled out the creamer and the sugar from the pantry. “You take both, right?” she asked, pouring the coffee into different cups.
“Yes,” I said.
She handed me the cup. As she did, my fingers brushed against hers. At the small touch, I felt a rush of caring pour out from her and overwhelm me.
She still cares for me. Even though she barely knows me anymore. Why?!
“Why?”
“Why what?” Raiya asked.
I hadn’t realized I asked the question aloud. “Why,” I said, “why don’t you sit down?”
She looked confused for a moment, and then she said, “I haven’t been able to move like this in a long time. I’m sure I’ll need some time to build up my strength again, but for now I’d like to push myself some.”
“You always seemed to push yourself,” I recalled. “Well, you always did more than I pushed myself.”
“Have we known each other for a long time?” Raiya asked.
“Uh ... yes and no,” I finally decided.
“But you came to save me.”
I nodded. “Dante needed some help. I don’t know yet if he actually meant for me to rescue you like this.” I decided not to mention he’d sent me looking for her body. Her dead body, I’d assumed.
“That’s the guy from the woods, right?” She wrinkled her nose in disgust. “I hope we don’t see him again for a long time. I don’t think he’s a good person.”
“He’s not,” I assured her. “He’s not good, and I could make the argument that he’s barely a person.”
Raiya laughed, catching me off guard. “What?” she replied, seeing my surprise. “That was funny.”
“I guess so.” I smiled back. “It’s nice to hear you laugh.”
A somber mood came upon her. “I’m going to need time to heal,” she said. “But laughter and joy are healers just as much as time.”
“If there’s anything I can do to help,” I said, pulling the omelets off the stove and skirting them onto our plates, “please let me know.”
She took her plate, and then she put it down. “There is something you can do for me.”
“What is it?” I asked, grabbing some bread.
“I would like to bury my children,” she said. “Would you let me?”
I almost choked on my food. I had to take a large swig of coffee before replying. “In the yard?”
“If you can,” she said. “You have a nice place here.”
“This is my mother’s house,” I said. “We’d have to ask her.”
“She has beautiful gardens. I think that they would like that.”
“It should be fine.” I would take the hit from my mom. Surely she would see this as a necessity? I mean, she almost lost Adam when he was a baby. She of all people should be compassionate in cases like this one.
From the size of Raiya’s bags, I don’t think it was likely any of them had made it that far.
“Thank you,” she said.
“We can bury them after the rain stops,” I said, aware this was the most bizarre conversation I’d ever had in my parents’ kitchen.
“Thank you.” She reached over and took my hand and squeezed it. “You’re a good friend.”
Ouch. I’ve been friendzoned.
We ate some in silence. Or at least she ate, while I mostly watched her.
I still had trouble believing she was alive.
“So, what else can you tell me about yourself?”
Raiya’s new question confounded me for a long moment. I looked at her as I took a sip of my coffee. She looked at me expectantly, and I figured I should try to answer her questions.
“Well,” I said, “I’m a lawyer.” That seemed pretty basic.
“Really? You don’t seem like one. You rescued me from SWORD, after all. Don’t you have to go to work?”
“I’m on sabbatical,” I told her. “I had some work troubles with one of my ... one of my coworkers, and she complained to her dad. He just happened to be the boss.”
I felt my heartbeat jump high enough to strangle me. I can’t tell her about Charlotte.
Dread trickled through me. I couldn’t tell her about practically anything that had happened since high school; I’d done a lot of things she would likely cringe at. I mean, I was even cringing at the memories.
“You didn’t get fired?”
“No.” Despite my panic, I laughed. “They wouldn’t fire me. I’m good at what I do.”
“How long have you been a lawyer?”
“I finished law school a little over two years ago,” I said. “I work in Pittsburgh, and even though it’s only been a short time, I have a reputation.”
“Why did you come here?” she asked.
“Well, I had a couple of unexpected things happen,” I said. “A boy and girl came to see me. They wanted me to help them find their parents.”
“Oh. I hope you can find them.”
“Me, too.”
We lapsed into silence again. I made her seconds and insisted that she eat it.
I didn’t know the specifics of her time under SWORD, and from what I did know, I didn’t want to know anything else. I was already likely going to have nightmares for the rest of my life as it was, and there was little chance I would get sleep knowing Dante was likely going to insert himself back into my life in the coming days.
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