I HAD BEEN IN BIG SUR for over seven weeks now and had experienced only three days where the temperature reached past the seventies. And this wasn’t one of them. Veronica and I sat at a table in the Big Sur Lodge restaurant staring at the remnants of our breakfast. Neither of us had been hungry. My sister wore her hair in a slack ponytail. Her eyes appeared large and vulnerable without the distraction of shadow, liner, and mascara. Emotions played across her face that I’d never witnessed before, as if our mother’s strange request to ask our father about Fallen Light had stripped her of a mask behind which she’d been hiding.
“Why’d Antonia have to meddle in our lives this way?” she asked. “This’ll change things. Forever.”
Antonia’s so-called meddling had brought about change all right. Like a flash flood that sweeps you up in its current and carries you to destinations not of your choosing. I hated change. It made me feel vulnerable, off balance. But our mother had made one request—just one. How could we ignore it?
I eyed my sister’s unusual attire. The fact that she even owned pink sweats meant she had a soft side, which gave me hope that we could be friends—as well as sisters. I put my hands over hers, amazed at how cold they felt. Mid-morning or not, the best place for her right now was in bed. “We’ll talk some other time,” I offered.
“You mean it?”
“Darn right, I mean it. Let’s get you back to your room so you can lie down.”
She looked like she might float away, and I’d wake up to discover this had all been a dream and that I didn’t have a sister after all. “Come on,” I said. “I’ll tuck you in.”
~~~
Anne was waiting for me at her campsite dressed in wide-leg chino pants that looked at least a size too big, a heavy black overcoat, and a matching knit beanie. You would think she’d just raided a distribution center for the homeless.
What was going on here? First, Veronica switching from black leather to pink sweats and now Anne trading in her boho skirts and sandals for safari-type clothing and army boots.
She sat in front of her camp stove, humming a tune I didn’t recognize and steeping a cup of what appeared to be tea. She waved me over. “Hey girl. How about taking the edge off with a synergistic shot of theanine?”
Theanine? I blew out a puff of air, which fogged the front of my face like a cloud of grievance. “Only if it’s tea you’re offering and only if you have something non-organic to go with it.”
She pulled out a bag of assorted chocolate miniatures. “For special occasions, I keep certain foods on hand that don’t quite make the health food grade.”
Special occasions? What did she have up her sleeve this time?
She tossed me a Milky Way Midnight Dark chocolate. It plopped at my feet. “Cecil’s taking Adam home,” she said, “and I’m going along as his nurse.”
I stared at her, unable to muster a sense of joy at the news. What had I expected? That she and Adam would stay here forever, while I came and went as I pleased?
“Cecil did some checking, but couldn’t find anyone trained in the holistic and spiritual aspects of Alzheimer’s. He could’ve saved himself the trouble if he had asked me first, but... Oh well, it looks like I’m in. Being an oddball, a renegade, a traitor to the medical community makes me a perfect fit for the job.”
“You’re a renegade, all right.”
“Coming from you, that’s a compliment.” Her words held the humor mine lacked. She looked me up and down. “You okay?”
I tore open the Milky Way’s silver and black wrapper and popped the bite-sized chocolate into my mouth, resulting in a euphoric rush, taste buds tingling. Leave it to Anne to have comfort food on hand when most needed. “When do you leave?”
Anne tossed more candy my way, as though they possessed some kind of pain-blocking super powers. “In a couple of days. Cecil’s arranging things as we speak.”
I stared at the cheerful heap of chocolates.
“They live in Los Angeles,” she said.
I shuddered at the thought. Traffic congestion, smog, Santa Ana winds, earthquakes, flooding, wildfires, crime. “In the city?”
“Bel Air, actually.”
“Oh.” My mind automatically shifted from visions of crowds, gridlock, and shootings to ones of palatial homes in the Santa Monica Mountains, spectacular views of city and ocean—fires and Santa Ana winds.
“Cecil told me that Adam owns a Rolls Royce and his own private jet,” Anne said, “and that he belongs to the Bel-Air Country Club.”
Try as I might, I couldn’t picture the Adam I knew surrounding himself with such things. “Not much use to him now.”
“No, thank God.”
“Does Cecil live like that, too?”
“Afraid so.”
I thought about Cecil’s yacht, his Harley, and his toffee-nosed, I’m-so-superior, attitude. “What kind of attorney is he?”
“He practices entertainment law. According to what he told me, he’s one of America’s top 100 power attorneys. Quite an exclusive group.”
“He must be brilliant,” I said grudgingly, amending my previous judgment of him as a spoiled drifter.
Anne pursed her lips. “He must understand how Hollywood works, that’s for sure.”
I picked up a mini Snicker and tore open its wrapper. My mother used to make a dessert called Snickers Candy Bars, with milk chocolate chips, butterscotch chips, peanut butter, marshmallow cream, caramels, whipping cream, and salted peanuts. It was amazing I had any teeth left. “What did Adam do for a living?”
“He was CEO and managing director of one of the fifteen talent agencies that run Hollywood. In other words, he was one of the most powerful people in the entertainment industry. From what Cecil told me, being an agent is a dirty, cutthroat business. The pressure is incredible, Hollywood being such an uncertain place.”
“A spiritual desert,” I said, biting into the Snicker.
“And we’re taking Adam back to it a changed man,” Anne said.
“Are you okay with all this?”
“Marjorie, in most cases AD leads to death in seven to ten years. Adam has already surpassed five. Soon he’ll become unaware of his condition. No desires, no aversions, no hatred, no tenderness. From that point on, the one who’ll suffer most is Cecil. Watching his father deteriorate will be horrifying. My job will be to provide Adam with as much security and predictability in his otherwise uncontrollable and meaningless physical surroundings. but just as importantly, if not more so, I’ll try to provide Cecil with an understanding ear and heart. Pray for them both.”
It took a moment for me to get words past the tightened muscles in my throat. “I really, really hate Alzheimer’ disease.”
“It most definitely tests the spirit,” Annie said. “Be grateful that you’ll be spared witnessing Adam’s final days.”
She was right. I’d had the good fortune of getting to know, learn from, and love Adam when I did. “Annie, I’ll miss you both.”
“Bet you’ll never forget us.”
“You’ve definitely opened my eyes to a thing or two.”
“And you, mine.”
An assortment of tea bags lay strewn on a tray. I was about to select an orange-cranberry, when Anne shooed away my hand. “It’s got to be green tea for that shot of theanine I promised. Relaxation without sedation.” She sprang into action. “Hot water coming up.”
After pouring steaming water into a mug and dropping in a bag of “the best green tea on the market, besides the loose variety, of course,” Anne asked, “Have you talked to Veronica about your mother’s request?”
“No chance. She looked dispirited, so I put her to bed.”
“Don’t discount Veronica’s current disheartened mood to simple lethargy or fatigue. It may be more than that. In fact, I’m sure of it. She’s going through some kind of spiritual surrender, allowing her imagination and emotions to take reign for a while. Which I’m sure is not her natural state.”
Darn right it’s not. Not my strong, powerful sister.
“Odd,” Anne said, “for your mother to make the request she did.”
“From the dead, of all things,” I said. “I can’t believe this. After everything our father has done to her, she still loves him and wants us to contact him.”
“Apparently, he holds a secret,” Anne said, motioning for me to sit in one of her shabby boho camp chairs.
I sat. Accepted her curative mug of tea. Took a sip. Not bad. “I wonder if it has anything to do with completing the circle that Antonia talked about.” I paused, groping for the missing piece of the puzzle. “Something’s wrong, Anne. Veronica doesn’t want to take me to our father. He must be a monster.”
“Is that the impression you get from her?”
The mug in my hand was shaking, so I set it next to the metal campfire ring. “She’s sending out some pretty negative vibes.”
“Which means another delay,” Anne said.
“Or lesson. Maybe there’s more for me to learn before taking that step. Speaking of which... Anne, according to what Cecil said, you can see and hear things. Can you—”
“What I see and hear is my personal cross to bear. Trust your own inner voice. It’ll lead you where you need to go.”
The sound of running water and wind swooshing through the lower branches of the trees added credence to her words. “I hope you’re right.”
“You’ve learned a lot during your stay here,” Anne said. “I can tell even in the short time we’ve spent together. For one thing, you’ve learned to stop asking why. And you sense the deeper good in seemingly senseless situations You’ve also learned compassion and trust and to love more deeply. Take these lessons with you and apply them when you go to Pacific Grove to meet your father.”
Cold numbed the tip of my nose and my leg was falling asleep. I uncrossed my legs and twisted in my chair to improve my circulation, then picked up my mug and took a reinforcing sip of what was left of Anne’s synergistic shot of theanine. “I’ve learned a lot from you, Adam, and Cecil, and my brief acquaintance with Holly, Claudia, and the participants in the workshop at the Esalen Institute, but I’m not sure I’m through asking why. Do you think seekers ever become finders?”
Anne’s gaze seemed to penetrate to where I hurt. “Life is not about pursuing certainty, but greater understanding.”
“As far as the deeper good...”
She chuckled. “You think too much. Unhappiness and disappointments are just surface ripples. Let them pass over you. Inside, you’ll be undisturbed.”
“Anne, is that what Adam has done? Has he entered the place of peace within himself where his environment no longer determines his happiness? I’d like to believe that. I mean, I’d like to believe he can go on without wants and fears, without his sculptures, his grotto, and without us.”
“You go, girl,” Anne said. “Adam has been introduced to the presence of something that transcends our current understanding of things. He’s remembering where he’s from and where he’s going again. Now, how about applying what he has taught you to your own situation. Enter that place of peace within yourself.”
“Where my environment no longer determines my happiness?”
She nodded.
“I’ll give it my best shot,” I said. “If for no other reason than to help Veronica. Our mother’s request to contact our father has really shaken her up. I get the feeling she needs me.”