ERIC COULDN’T SLEEP.
He kept seeing Molly’s face over and over in his mind. He’d watched her flip, then started paddling closer as Shawn had expertly helped her right-side up. But the sheer panic and fear was etched on his brain. He remembered that look, the shallow breathing and the inability to think straight. Seeing Molly go through it brought it all back to him, when he’d been a boy and helpless to help his mother deal with the grief and stress of being abandoned.
Molly had paddled the rest of the way back on her own, and he was damn proud of her for that. And she’d changed, gone to dinner, eaten. And yet somehow he got the impression that she had been just going through the motions. That she wasn’t as okay as she seemed.
He turned over onto his side and let out a sigh. When closing his eyes seemed impossible, he got up and quietly exited his tent, using a small flashlight to make his way to her platform. He just wanted to check to see if she was all right. Everyone else here had a partner. They weren’t alone. She was. And today she’d been deathly afraid.
He got to her tent and clicked off his light, not wanting to wake her if she actually had managed to go to sleep. He waited a few minutes, pleased when nothing but silence came from within. And he was just about ready to turn away when an odd sound came from inside.
He froze, listening harder. The sound got louder, too. A strangled, choking sound and fast breathing. A thump as if something had hit the wooden bed frame. Heart in his throat, he stepped up to the zippered door.
“Molly?”
Another groan and cough and he spoke a little louder. “Molly? Are you okay?”
Abrupt silence, then a forced “I’m fine.”
And he might have believed her if she hadn’t had this little hiccup at the end that told him she was crying.
“I’m coming in.” He unzipped the door and stepped inside. It was still dark, so he clicked on his light again but turned it toward the floor, so the light wasn’t directly in her face. He could see her eyes, though, huge and luminous in the pale light. Her face was streaked with tears, which she scrubbed away quickly.
He went to her side and sat on the edge of her bed. “Nightmare?” he asked softly.
She nodded, let out a deep breath.
“You’re not panicking now, though. That’s good.”
“My heart’s beating out of my chest.”
He was tempted to see if it was true, but touching her right now would be wrong. Not when she was vulnerable and scared. And yet he couldn’t do nothing. He reached out and wiped some moisture off her cheek with his thumb. “You held up like a champ all evening. But when we sleep, our barriers are down.”
She nodded. “Yeah. I’m sorry. You should go back to bed.”
“Not until I make sure you’re all right. The dream sounded rough.”
A mortified expression swept over her face. “Oh, God. Do you think anyone else heard?”
He shook his head. “I couldn’t sleep and came over to check on you. It was all quiet until just before I came in.” They were talking in low voices, barely over a whisper. “I wanted to wake you before it got too bad.”
Her exhalation was shaky. “It was bad enough. There’s something that’s been bothering me for so long. My thing with snorkeling and the flipping over—it all has to do with being underwater and not being able to breathe. All my life I stuck to swimming pools, to wading at the beach but not really swimming, doing the boat thing instead of snorkeling on family vacays and just telling myself it was a preference and I wasn’t really afraid. As much as I’ve tried to block it out or rationalize it away, it’s still there. It’s not a dream. It’s a memory.”
“What happened?”
“I got caught in a riptide at the beach and couldn’t get back to shore. A wave came and I went under, and I couldn’t shout, and I didn’t think anyone noticed. I had to fight so hard to get back to the surface again. I knew I was going to drown.”
“How old were you?”
“Five.”
Five years old and afraid of drowning. “It would explain a lot. Then what happened?”
“I was rescued. My brother rescued me, because he was already a strong swimmer and I hadn’t stayed close to the shore like I promised.” She shuddered all over. “I can still feel the water pulling me under, and coughing when I bobbed up again. Today...the whales were getting so close. And one went under and I tried to move to get farther away and then everything went...hinky and I ended up upside down. I couldn’t get turned around and all I could think of was what if the whale was beneath me and my head was right there...”
Her breath was coming fast again. “I know it sounds ridiculous—”
“But the fear is real,” he said, finishing for her. “Doesn’t matter if it’s rational or not. Fear is fear. I’m so sorry, Molly.”
“It’s not your fault. I’m just so glad you were there. You knew exactly what I needed to start breathing again.”
He rubbed his hand over hers. “Well, it’s not my first experience with panic attacks. My mom had them for a while after my dad left. I think dealing with everything as well as raising three boys took its toll.” He thought back to those days and felt a pang of regret. He hadn’t always been the easiest kid to raise. “When Mom had one, I learned not to hug because it was too confining and claustrophobic. But she liked a point of contact, so a hand on her arm or leg let her know someone was there. And for me to talk to her.”
“That’s rough on a kid.”
Not as rough as losing his father had been, but he simply shrugged. “She’s my mom. I love her. I could be a real handful, but I’m also the oldest. My brothers called me the Golden Boy.” He grinned a little. “They weren’t really wrong.”
“You looked after her.”
“I tried. My dad...he got into a lot of debt and then took off, leaving my mom to clean up his mess and with three boys to raise. I tried to step up and do whatever I could to help.”
He still did. His mom wouldn’t take a lot of his money, but at least she lived mortgage-free now, in a tidy little bungalow rather than the house where they’d grown up. His brothers made sure she had decent wheels through the dealership. Materially she was in good shape. But he missed her. Their relationship had become strained, too.
They sat for a few more minutes before Eric asked, “Are you feeling better now?”
“Yes, thanks.”
She said the words, but he wasn’t quite convinced. There was a hesitation to them that told him she wasn’t okay but wouldn’t ask for help. “Are you really? Or are you afraid of having the nightmare again?”
She laughed nervously. “Am I that transparent?”
“Yes.” And then he chuckled, and she laughed a little in return, the soft sound reaching in and waking something in him that had been dormant a long time.
He got up and as carefully as possible moved the empty bed in the tent over, so it was right up next to hers. He didn’t have his sleeping bag, but he didn’t care. He lay down on the mattress and shifted to his side, facing her. “Is this okay? I promise I’ll stay on my side. But you won’t have to be alone.”
“You don’t have any covers.”
“I’m in sweats and a hoodie. I’m fine.”
She rolled to her side. He’d turned off his light and the tent was pitch-black, so he could barely even make out her form in the darkness. It lent an intimacy to the moment that made his breath catch in his throat.
She reached out and touched his arm, then followed his arm down to his wrist and then hand, twining her fingers with his. “Thank you, Eric. For helping me today. For being here tonight.”
“My pleasure,” he replied gruffly.
He’d been married to Murielle for six years. Dated her for two before that, after meeting her through mutual friends. He’d been a typical guy in college and he’d dated as much as anyone. But this sweet interaction affected him as deeply as any of his previous relationships, including his marriage. And he’d known Molly less than a week. How could that be?
He stayed awake until Molly’s breathing evened out and the grip on his hand eased. Then he finally drifted off to sleep.
When Molly woke, she discovered Eric snuggled tightly against her on the single bed, the second bed he’d pulled over next to hers now empty. He was still outside her sleeping bag, dressed in his sweats and hoodie, but he must have got cold in the night and moved closer for body heat.
Not that she was complaining. His arm was draped over her ribs possessively, his thighs next to hers. It had been a long, long time since she’d awakened next to a man, and it made her want to move closer. To unzip the sleeping bag and remove some of the barriers between them.
It also made her think of the night before, and the horrible nightmare, and how he’d been there to hold her hand and talk her through it. Just as bad as the near drowning, had been remembering the rescue. How unfair that she’d been saved only two months before Jack had been taken from them.
Eric sighed in his sleep and tenderness washed over her. He wasn’t just incredibly sexy; he was a good man underneath. The story about how he’d helped his mother after his dad had left said a lot about the man he was.
Morning light filtered through the fabric of the tent, and when Molly shifted a little, Eric’s eyelids fluttered open. They met hers for a moment, and her heart gave a solid whomp against her ribs at the connection that flowed between them. She liked him, sure, but there was also this elemental attraction that she kept trying to ignore but refused to be locked away. He lifted his hand and put it against her cheek and she closed her eyes for a moment, lost in the tenderness of the touch.
“Did you sleep?” he asked, his voice rough from disuse.
She nodded. “Much better, after...”
A small smile curved his lips. “Sorry about the close quarters. I got cold.”
“You didn’t need to stay,” she said, though she was incredibly glad he had.
“Yeah, I did.” He moved his hand off her ribs, and she suddenly felt a little bit cool from the lack of contact and the weight of his palm on her sleeping bag.
“Well, thank you. I slept better with you here, for sure. No more nightmares.”
“That’s good.” They were practically whispering, even though there wasn’t a sound from the other campers. “I should go, though. Because, you know.”
“Because someone might see you leaving my tent?”
“Yeah. That.” He smiled wider. “We keep telling people there’s nothing going on, but...”
“Yeah. We seem to keep ending up together.”
Eric leaned forward and, to her great surprise, kissed her forehead. “I’m gonna go before I do give them something to talk about. Are you okay to paddle today?”
She wasn’t, but she’d figure it out. She also knew the important thing was to get back in the boat. “I’ll be fine.”
“Okay. I’ll see you at breakfast.”
He slid off the bed and stood, then stretched, moving his arms out to the side instead of up in the air, where they would have touched the top of the tent dome. Then with a wink, he slipped into his sandals, unzipped the flap and disappeared.
Molly flipped to her back and stared at the ceiling. There was something going on between them, and it wasn’t just friendship and comfort. The big question was, what did she want to do about it? And were they possibly on the same page?
They avoided making eye contact during breakfast, but when they arrived on the beach to get ready for the day’s trip, Shawn approached. “Hey, you two. I thought maybe today you’d like to go in a two-seater. It’s a little more stable and we were thinking it might make you a little more comfortable, Molly.”
She hoped she wasn’t blushing. Still, why should she? Why did it matter what people thought? So what if she and Eric had struck up a...friendship on this trip? Courtroom confidence was one thing, but when was she going to be more self-assured in her personal life?
She thought back to attending the benefit with Ryan and how she’d found it very easy to turn down any offers of more than friendship. She’d had no problems with self-assurance then. So maybe it was Eric. Maybe it was him plus the discovery that she was going to be making a life change that had her all discombobulated.
But once again, her brain asked, Who cares?
She nodded. “If it’s okay with Eric, I don’t mind.”
“Fine by me,” Eric said with an easy smile.
Shawn left them and Eric looked over at her as he was slipping on his life vest. “Do you want the front or back?”
Molly didn’t really know, so she shrugged. “How about we go one way up the sound and reverse it on the way back?”
“Works for me. I’ll go front first?”
“Sure.”
They got their kayak to the water’s edge, and Eric turned around. “I’m glad we’re together today.”
“Me too.”
“Molly?”
She stopped adjusting her PFD and looked up at him.
“Not just because of your nervousness, okay? I’m glad to be with you.”
It didn’t matter that last night had been as chaste as they came. Something had changed, and it took away the nerves of being on the water and replaced them with something deliciously anticipatory.
The morning passed without event; the weather was beautiful and the scenery as gorgeous as before, and they took a slightly different route along the sound. Still, other than a few seals and a ton of bald eagles, they reached the previous day’s stopping point without encountering any whales or dolphins. Paddling was more fun with two once Molly found her rhythm with Eric, and he often turned around to say something or would point toward a neat tree or a bird circling above. They carried on for nearly an hour before one of the guides indicated that something was nearby. Molly peered through her sunglasses to see, but there was nothing. As they drew closer to the group, she heard the word humpback and more excited chatter about bubbles.
“What’s going on?” she asked, knowing Eric would hear her.
“I think they’ve spotted some humpbacks,” he replied, excitement in his voice.
Molly tried to quell the nerves in her stomach. Humpbacks were way bigger than orcas, but yesterday had shown her that the biggest threat to her was her own panic. She kept her eyes trained on the place where people were pointing, glad she and Eric were in the kayak together.
One of the guides’ voices broke through. “If you look, you’ll see the bubbles on the surface, what looks a bit like a rolling boil, if you’re into cooking terms. The humpbacks use ‘bubble net’ feeding to corral the fish into one spot and then they can all feed. Hold on, because it’s going to get exciting.”
It felt as if the whole group was holding its breath, as anticipation was rife in the air. When the whales plunged to the surface, everyone jumped a little and exclaimed in excitement. Molly was no exception. It was incredible! She couldn’t tell how many whales there were, but the waves made by their forceful break of the surface were significant. Eric had his camera out and was snapping wildly. Molly simply took in the sight and tried to ignore the anxiety that still beckoned. She could do this. She was doing it!
They watched the feeding ritual for a good twenty minutes, before the humpbacks moved on with a signature wave of their flukes. Around two hundred meters away or so, one breached the surface and then crashed down again in a magnificent show of force and beauty. As their group continued on, the chatter increased significantly as everyone marveled at what they’d seen. They didn’t travel far before they encountered a group of sea lions, basking in the sun on the rocky shore. One or two bobbed around in the water, but the rest were soaking up the rays. As they paused to watch and the guides gave them the lowdown on the species, two of the sea lions started a conversation that had Molly laughing. The groans and growls sounded so grouchy that she couldn’t help but giggle, and before long she heard Eric’s low chuckle as well.
“Is that what your clients sound like?” he asked, still laughing.
“Not usually. Most of the time my clients don’t speak to each other,” she replied, then sighed. “How about you and your wife? Did your marriage go out with a whimper or a bang?”
His smile faded, and though she couldn’t see his eyes because of his sunglasses, she imagined the light went out of them, too, and she felt sorry she’d asked the question so flippantly. “A whimper. I wasn’t angry. Not at the divorce, really. We weren’t happy. I was angry about that.”
“That you were unhappy?”
“Yeah. I worked pretty hard to set up the perfect life, so why wasn’t I happy?”
She let out a mirthless huff of air. “If you figure that one out, let me know. I’m the girl who has everything and is unhappy with it. I suppose that makes me ungrateful.”
“Not necessarily. Don’t be so hard on yourself.”
“Maybe you should take your own advice.”
They began paddling again, moving past the sea lions and onward to the stopping point for lunch. After two days of paddling, Molly’s shoulders and back were aching and she was ready for a good stretch. Eric got out of the kayak first, and then held out his hand to help her out. She took it and felt the warmth of his hand through the fabric of her paddling gloves—he held her fingers a little longer than was necessary.
She could get used to him looking at her this way.
But she dropped her hand from his, and once they’d secured the kayak, they headed up the bank to the picnic area.
The way home was even better, with Molly’s confidence growing as they paddled down the strait toward base camp again. The orcas were absent this afternoon, but Molly didn’t care. She dipped her paddle in and out of the water in time with Eric, who was now in the back. The breeze blew her hair off her face and she couldn’t ever remember feeling this alive. By the time they’d reached “home,” she was sad to leave the kayaking behind. Two and a half days hardly seemed long enough. Tomorrow morning’s expedition was a boat ride farther up the strait on a quest to see grizzly bears, and then it was back to the lodge and luxury before the next leg of their journey. She was sorry this part was over just as she was getting comfortable with it.
She and Eric sat together over dinner and chatted with others while dining on fresh cedar-planked salmon, baby potatoes and salad. Food even tasted better outdoors, she decided, and when the evening was waning she and Eric went for a walk on the beach. The moon was out and stars peeked from their inky blanket, giving the couple enough light to see where they were going.
Eric reached over and took her hand. After they’d walked a good distance, he led her to a large rock pushed up against the grassy overhang. They were hidden from camp, but the beach and the cove stretched out before them. The air tasted like salt and evergreens.
He climbed up and then helped her up, until they were settled in the natural seat of the boulder. He put his arm around her and snuggled her in, then let out a deep, satisfied sigh.
She understood. She was feeling the same way right now, and was afraid that saying anything would break the perfect moment.
So they sat in the silence for a long time, listening to the sounds of the water, the soft shhh of unseen wildlife nearby—squirrels, perhaps, or something equally innocuous. Laughter came from the area of the campfire, making a smile bloom on Molly’s face.
She’d always been a city girl. Not much into roughing it or spending loads of time in nature, at least not more than the local park or gardens. But this was perfection. Bidding on this trip had been on a whim, but it was turning out to be the best decision of her life.
“What are you thinking?” he asked. “I can hear the wheels turning in there.”
“That I wish I’d done this sooner.”
“Me too. But then, we wouldn’t have met. And despite our inauspicious beginning, I’m finding I’m glad we did.”
“Yeah,” she whispered, burrowing into his embrace a little deeper.
They sat a while longer, long enough that a shooting star swept across the sky. “So,” she whispered. Speaking in a regular voice seemed harsh, somehow, as if the evening required hushed tones and a bit of reverence. “As of tomorrow, we’re halfway through our trip.”
“I know.”
“And then we’ll both be going back to our own lives.”
“We will.”
“And I’ll be in Boston and you’ll be in Montreal, or wherever your work is going to take you once this is over.”
“I suppose you’re right.” There was a pause, and then he said, “You’re wondering if it’s worth exploring this.” She didn’t have to ask what “this” was; they both knew it was the attraction humming between them. “If it’s a good idea. What’ll happen when it’s over and we have to go our separate ways.”
She nodded, her ponytail rubbing against his chest.
His lips touched the hair beside her ear. “We have to go back to our lives. We both know that.”
His warm breath on her hair sent delicious shivers down her spine. “Yes,” she agreed, feeling a little breathless. “Back to our lives.” Even if she suspected her life was going to change a bit. It was odd not knowing what it would look like, but that wasn’t a thought for this moment. Not for tonight.
“So no expectations,” he murmured, his lips still close to her ear, his hand on the curve of her waist. “Just...”
She turned her head a little, leaning into him so his lips grazed her temple and sent a thrill zinging down to her toes. “Just being in the moment,” she said, finishing his thought. Her lips remained slightly open as they made cautious movements—a touch here, a press of the lips there. They were prolonging the anticipation but not fighting it—not anymore. She turned into him, so that she was cradled in his left arm as her face turned up to his. The look in his eyes was hungry and she bit down on her lip as her lashes fluttered a little. She was dying for him to finally kiss her on the mouth. When he did, she lifted her arm and curled her hand around his neck, drawing him down so he was half on top of her, sandwiched between the cool rock and the warm, sexy man who was currently tasting her lips so expertly she would swear she heard music.
He lifted his head, his mouth only a few inches from hers, his gaze burning down into her. She hadn’t been wrong—she did hear music. Up by the campfire. One of the guides must have brought a guitar, and a couple of voices joined in.
Molly was swamped with a sense of the surreal, but she let it sweep her away. This was a once-in-a-lifetime trip. A once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. She wasn’t going to squander it.
She pushed up with her hands and saw Eric’s face blank with surprise as he sat upright and she straddled him, a knee on either side of his hips. The closeness had her body humming in response, and she put her hands on his face and kissed him, taking the lead and loving every moment of it. His arms came around her and pulled her close, one hand skimming down her ribs as his thumb grazed the side of her breast. She felt so alive. So free.
Eric slid his mouth away from hers and kissed her collarbone, his hot breath radiating through the cotton of her shirt. For a moment she allowed herself to fantasize about making love here, on a rock beside the water, with the sound of the waves ebbing and flowing around them. It would be so good. But there were also ten other guests and three guides not far away, and the inconvenient realization that she had no protection. This possibility had never crossed her mind.
“I don’t have anything. Do you?” she asked, unsure which answer she truly wanted him to give.
“No.” He stopped moving and lifted his head away from the vee of her shirt. “Dammit.”
She laughed a little, the sound rich and full of promises that weren’t to be fulfilled—at least not tonight. “It’s okay. It’s like Christmas. All the fun is in the lead-up.”
“Yeah, except at Christmas you’re pretty sure Santa’s going to come at some point.”
She burst out laughing, the sound echoing down the beach as she slapped her hand over her mouth. Eric was watching her with an amused expression, though he seemed a bit sheepish.
“We should get back,” she said, though she was disappointed at having to say it. “It’s getting late and tomorrow’s another early morning.”
“Are you going to sleep all right? You did much better today.”
She nodded. “I still had some anxiety, but not the all-out panic. I kept reminding myself that I wasn’t alone, and that my biggest enemy was my own fear and not any actual threat. It helped.”
He nodded. “Well, tomorrow it’s safe and sound in the boat. And then back to the hotel.”
His gaze met hers. The hotel meant hotel rooms. Amenities. Opportunities to pick up contraception.
“Back to the hotel,” she echoed.
The thought seemed to spur them both into action, and they hopped down from the boulder and made their way back up the beach. But Eric reached down and held her hand.
It was the best feeling in the world.