Saturday, April 26, 2014
“Damn it, Beast!” Kyle spun around attempting to untwine the leash our dog had wound around his legs.
I giggled, watching them as we stood at the entrance of Grant Park where the pup’s excitement at so many people had gotten the better of him. “This is why I should be holding the leash. I never get tangled up.”
“Or we could just get a dog that acts like a normal freaking dog,” he replied.
“I think that option’s long gone.”
Kyle shook his head in annoyance, despite his wide smile, finally freeing himself to resume our walk. I ducked my head, trying to get used to the cool breeze against my bare skin, sneaking beneath the thin scarf.
It surprised me how few people stared at me. I had thought leaving the house hairless would be a giant billboard with a red arrow pointed at me, but that was not turning out to be the case. In fact, they ignored me now as always. Attention stuck on their phones, few eyes even made it to my scarf. Occasionally, someone would do a double take as if to reassure themselves that their eyes weren’t playing tricks on them. The moment they realized they were in fact looking at a bald woman, they moved on with little more than a slight blush or quickly averted gaze.
“Look, there’s a concert playing.” Kyle pointed toward the far side of the park where a transient crowd had gathered to watch the show.
“Let’s go!” I headed that direction, pulling him along. I was always eager to hear new music.
When we reached the crowd, we found three young band-mates with a sign identifying their group as MamaDear. A fresh-faced blonde with a girl-next-door look was singing from a small stage. Her voice echoed despite no microphone. The two men behind her also sang—one played a guitar, the other a mandolin. They harmonized perfectly. The man with the mandolin watched her with adoration and I couldn’t stop from smiling at young love.
“Dance with me?” Kyle asked, extending a hand.
“No one is dancing,” I replied but still took his hand. We watched the trio sing an unfamiliar song. With the mix of country and pop, I guessed they’d written the lyrics themselves, and I liked it.
Soft and passionate, they sang about betting on love and taking chances, that it was worth it in the end. I felt the notes slide over me, closing my eyes. The words were reminiscent of my current ordeal—I was betting on my life, betting on surviving the next few weeks, betting on remission.
I was betting on me, on us, on growing old together.
Kyle whispered in my ear, “Since when do we need others permission to dance?”
I popped open my eyes as Kyle pulled me by my free hand against his chest. Beast’s leash draped across our intertwined fingers, and Kyle circled my back with his other arm. I moved my hips with his, swaying to the song.
“Such a romantic,” I said, teasing.
“Only when I have the right inspiration.”
“What’s inspiring you now?”
“My beautiful wife,” he answered, not missing a beat.
“Not so beautiful anymore.” My cheeks grew warm thinking of the thin scarf hiding my head.
His gaze dropped to my lips, then returned to meet my eyes. A seriousness stole away his smile and I knew unequivocally that everything he was about to say was honest and from his soul. “You couldn’t be more wrong,” he countered. “You’re gorgeous—with or without hair.”
“Kyle.” I sighed, moving stiffly in his arms, uncomfortable with how real things had just become. He was being nice and I knew he’d always think I was beautiful, but I also knew what I really looked like.
He shook his head then tilted my chin up to look at him, his fingers brushing against my skin. “Nothing changes how much I love you, or how beautiful you will always be to me, and to everyone else. Not even cancer.”
I let him have a small smile, but doubt still filled me.
He narrowed his eyes, searching mine. “You don’t believe me.”
The words sounded almost accusatory, like I’d hurt him, and I blinked quickly in surprise. “No, I, uh…”
Kyle handed me Beast’s leash and walked off, causing the dog to strain at the end, trying to catch up with him. I frowned, wondering what he was doing as he weaved through the crowd toward the band. He approached the female singer, who had just finished a song and was asking for recommendations. They exchanged whispers. She glanced at me, smiling, then nodded.
Kyle strutted back to me, pride seeping from his big grin.
“This next song is dedicated to Tessa from her husband, Kyle. He says she is the most beautiful woman in the world. I have to agree,” the lead singer announced as she pointed out Kyle and me to the crowd.
Heat bloomed across my cheeks as I blushed deeply, taking Kyle’s hand for another dance. The crowd clapped and cheered, and not a single face looked horrified by a girl without hair in a bright pink scarf. I saw only affection and acceptance, and I couldn’t stop smiling.
The band played another song, the lyrics about love and soulmates. It was perfect. It was us. We swayed against each other, Kyle humming near my ear, his cheek against mine.
“You’re so sweet,” I murmured a few minutes later, feeling deliciously loved. Everything about this moment was simple but passionate. Muted, but loud in love.
“I love you, Tessa.”
“You didn’t have to do all this to tell me you loved me,” I reminded him, giggling and falling back on humor to ease my discomfort at being complimented. “Aren’t public displays of affection supposed to be embarrassing?”
Kyle shrugged. “Love out loud, or don’t love at all. Wearing your heart on your sleeve is just letting the world know you found that something special everyone wants.”
I leaned against his chest again, dancing slowly as Beast bounced at our feet. “I can’t believe you still like me without hair.” I sighed, smiling.
“Like doesn’t even come close,” he said with a small chuckle. “You’re fucking gorgeous, babe, and I love it. I’d be more than happy to prove it to you as soon as we get home.”
I laughed at his innuendo, feeling as sexy and loved as he’d always made me feel. Pulling back slightly, I examined his expression. He was telling the truth— and possibly imagining me naked. “I wish I wasn’t putting you through this. You’re so amazing, and this is so…I just wish I wasn’t doing this to you.” I hated the pain my cancer was causing him. Even with our vows of in sickness and in health, I knew neither of ever expected the first part to come so soon. “I honestly feel like I’m such a shit wife. Like I have been for a long time.”
The honesty poured out of me faster than I realized, and I wanted to take it back as soon as I said it. It was too real, too true, and I didn’t want him to know I felt that way.
Kyle’s face twisted as if I’d just fed him a whole handful of lemons. “What? Are you serious?”
Well, it was too late to back out of it now. I nodded slowly. “It’s not like I’m waiting at home for you every night with a warm dinner or even remember our anniversary unless you remind me.”
“Okay, so you’re not the type of woman to remember dates on a calendar or slave away at new recipes every week. That doesn’t make you a good wife or not.” Kyle was adamant in his tone, his hands gripping my upper arms as he made sure our eye contact never broke. “But you text me silly GIFs of lady and the tramp slurping spaghetti when I’m having a long day, and you answer my mother’s phone calls even when I avoid her, and you let me put my cold ass feet on yours to warm them up even though you hate it.”
“I…Well, yeah, but—”
“You yelled at the dry-cleaning lady when she burned a hole in my favorite shirt and wrote them the most scathing Yelp review I’ve ever seen. You’re willing to defend me at the drop of a hat over something as minor as a shirt, Tessa,” he reiterated. “And remember that time the waitress at Tiki Tacos asked me for my number? You licked my face at the bar right in front of her and declared ‘Mine!’”
“You yelled at me for that!” Tessa reminded him.
“But I’ve never laughed so hard or loved someone so much,” he countered. “You make every day fun. You make every moment of my life worth living to the next. You’re my reason for going, and that makes you the most amazing wife a man could ask for.”
I swallowed the lump forming in my throat at his sweet words. “Even with everything I’m putting you through now?”
“Tessa, you are not putting me through anything. Don’t push me away. Not now. Not when we need each other the most.” He stared me right in the eye, demanding I hear what he was saying.
I nodded, biting my lips. I was pulling back, and he knew it. He wanted to take this journey with me, he wanted to be by my side, and I wanted to let him. “I won’t. I promise.”
Kyle untangled Beast’s leash from around our legs once more, then taking my hands, he spun me around into another dance. I laid my head against his chest, listening to his heartbeat in tune with the music, flowing from their instruments to his very core and into mine.
“What if something happens?” I said barely above a whisper, unable to keep my fears completely at bay.
He released my hand, wrapping both arms around me instead. “Nothing will happen.”
“I have cancer, Kyle.”
He looked down at me, the serious expression back. “Which means the worst has already happened. And we’re still here. We’re still fighting, and we’re going to win.”
“How can you be so confident?” I asked.
He shrugged. “How could I not be?”
I rolled my eyes, but couldn’t keep the smile from creeping onto my face. “I’m serious, Kyle.”
“So am I, beautiful,” he said, wiggling his brows suggestively before kissing me.
When we parted, I laughed, taking Beast’s leash and walking back toward the path. “You’re a goofball.”
He caught up to me a second later. “You married that goofball.”
I smiled. “Until the end.”
“Nope.” Kyle shook his head. “There’s no end to us, Tessa. There’s only forever.” He wrapped an arm around my shoulders and laid a kiss on my scarf.
I smiled. I wanted it. Every word.
Only forever.