Wednesday, August 13, 2014
My eyes blinked open slowly from the warm sun beating down on my face. It was higher than most mornings, and when I turned to find the clock announcing it was almost ten, I realized I’d slept in later than usual. Stretching my body, I felt a dull, satiated ache between my legs and grinned, remembering my night with Kyle.
He was still sleeping beside me with Beast curled against him. The sight made me smile—my giant husband spooning a tiny, fluffy white dog.
My heart felt fuller than it had in a long time as I slid out of bed, careful not to disturb either of them. I pulled on a satin robe, cinching it at the waist and stepped into a pair of soft slippers. The more weight I lost, mostly from muscle mass, the quicker my bones began to ache, starting with the soles of my feet.
The kitchen was bathed in sunlight, and I eagerly went to the coffee maker and began brewing a cup for myself. Staring out the big window over the sink that looked to the lake, I found myself appreciating that I could wake to a sight this beautiful. It felt like a permanent vacation, though our purpose here was anything but.
“Tessy?”
I turned to see my sister standing in the kitchen doorway, my laptop in her hands. “Good morning.”
“Morning.” She sat down at the breakfast bar, propping open my computer in front of her. “You making coffee?”
I eyed her suspiciously, not wanting to snatch my computer from her, but also wondering why she had it. “Yeah, do you want a cup?”
“Sure, thanks.”
Her eyes didn’t meet mine, but I didn’t push her. Instead, I pulled a second mug out of the cabinet and poured her some.
“Thanks.” She held the mug to her nose and took a big sniff. “You always make it better than anyone else.”
I pulled out a tall chair next to hers and sat down. We both sipped our coffees for a minute before I finally nodded to the computer. “So, what are you doing on there?”
She blushed and put her mug down. “I read your book. Or what you have so far.” She pointed the screen toward me and my manuscript stared back at me.
My brows pinched together. “Jeez, Elly. That’s kind of an invasion of privacy without asking me. I mean, I would have shown you if I’d known you wanted to see it.”
“I know, and I’m sorry, but you left it open last night and curiosity got the better of me. I stayed up all night reading it.” She looked at me sheepishly, her hands folded as if in a prayer. “Please don’t be mad.”
“I’m not mad, El. Things are just…between us…it’s—”
“It’s awkward,” she finished for me. “I know. And that’s why I read it. You and I have never been like this.” She gestured between us. “We’ve never spent this long barely talking, and I hate it.”
I nibbled my lower lip. “I do, too.”
“I wanted to understand. To really understand.” She sniffed, the tears welling in her eyes ripping at my heart. “You’re everything to me, Tessa. Literally, everything. I don’t want our last few months to be like this. I don’t want you to hate me.”
I reached forward, grabbing her shoulders and pulling her toward me. “Hate you? My god, El, that’s literally impossible!”
She dropped her head to my shoulder, her arms hugging my waist. I rubbed my hand in circles over her back, cradling her to me. “I love you, baby girl. Always, no matter what. You’re my everything, too.”
“The book is so great, Tessy.” She sniffed again, her words mumbled against my shoulder. “I understand now.”
I leaned back, holding her at arm’s length as I searched her red-rimmed eyes. “You do?”
She nodded. “Everything about Mom? All those stories about the good times with her, then the not-good when she became sick the first time, then the second. Her death. I didn’t know all of those stories.”
“You were so young,” I reminded her.
“And I missed so much because of that. I missed so much of her. If I’d had to watch her suffer…watch her die…I couldn’t do it.”
I wiped a tear from her cheek with my thumb. She picked up her coffee, taking another sip. I let mine sit, waiting for her to continue.
“I think I was so upset for so long because those pills, this move, this entire plan—it felt like you wanted to leave me sooner than you had to. But, when I read your book, the stories of Mom, all the examples of other people and research…I realized I’d rather miss you sooner than watch you suffer.”
“El—”
“No, I’m serious, Tessa.” She put her mug down and set her jaw firmly. Her tears were gone, and in their place was resolve. Fierce, tough, determined—this was the sister I knew.
“I don’t want to miss this time with you fighting. I don’t want to miss a single moment, especially when there are so few left. You’re my big sister, but you’re also my mother. I just want my mother.”
“Oh, Elly, me, too.” I hugged her again, somehow even tighter this time. My heart swelled in my chest, simultaneously devastated and elated. I ached for the loss I knew she’d experience soon, but I finally had my sister back.
“I love you, Tessy,” she whispered.
“I love you more, El.”