Monday, August 18, 2014
“Hey, Malaika,” I greeted the bubbly, young nurse at the front door. I stepped aside to let her in.
“Good morning, Tessa!” Her tiny frame bounced past me and headed straight for the dining room where we always did morning vitals. “How are you feeling today?”
“Same as the last few days.” I shrugged, following her. I sat in the chair at the end of the table as she busied herself setting up.
“So, good and bad, huh?” She slid a stethoscope around her neck, placing the buds in each ear.
I stretched my arm out across the table. “Exactly. I’ll be fine for a while, even energetic sometimes. Then suddenly, I’ll be drained and dizzy, or get an intense ache and have to sit down.”
She held the stethoscope against my arm, carefully monitoring her watch as she listened. We were both silent for a moment, letting her count the beats.
“That sounds low,” I said when she announced my blood pressure.
“It is, but not enough to be too concerned.” She draped the stethoscope around her neck and then pulled out a small metal clip with a red light inside it, clamping it over my finger until it beeped. She recorded the number and then pulled the small box of daily medications out of her bag. “I’m going to get you some water and you’ll take these.”
I waited while she walked to the cupboard and took out a glass. She’d been coming every day for a week, and already knew her way around. I was comfortable with her, enjoyed her company even. She came while most of the house was still sleeping, but I enjoyed my private morning chats with her and getting to know about her life. Her baby daddy was out of the picture, but she was working hard to make a life for herself and her unborn child anyway. She wasn’t feeling sorry for herself—she was taking charge of her life, and I loved that about her.
“Ooh!” Malaika paused in front of the counter, putting down the jug of water she’d been pouring into a glass. “That was quite a kick!”
“Are you okay?”
She smiled and returned, grabbing my hand. I startled for a second, not expecting her to touch me, but I let her guide my palm to her stomach. She held it firmly against the underside of her swollen belly and I felt the unmistakable movement of a foot slamming against my fingers.
“Whoa!” I exclaimed.
“She’s been quiet all morning,” Malaika giggled. “I guess we woke her up!”
My smile spread wide as I felt her little girl make her presence known. “I guess we did.”
Malaika let go of my hand. “Ready to take your pills now?”
I pulled away reluctantly, missing the brief connection with her baby—with a baby. My heart squeezed at the reminder, but I pushed away the thought. I couldn’t dwell on things I’d never have. It wasn’t fair to myself, and it was something I was working hard to stop doing. “Yeah, I’m ready.”
She opened the ‘Monday’ slot and poured its contents into my waiting palm. I tossed them to the back of my throat and quickly swallowed a few gulps of water, grimacing at the feeling of the giant pills sliding down my throat. I was getting more and more used to it every day, but I hated taking medication—I always had.
I cleared my throat and shook my head. “All done.”
“Any fun plans for the week?” She began repacking her bag.
I shook my head. “Nothing in particular. I spend most of my time writing, or being with my family. We take walks around the lake, which I love. Or go to new restaurants.”
“Ooh, I love eating out,” she exclaimed. “So much better than having to cook for myself.”
I grinned in agreement. “It’s pretty nice. Gets expensive though.”
She waved her hand nonchalantly. “Money isn’t something you should worry about at this point, you know?”
I knew what she meant, but sadly, that wasn’t how life worked. I wish I could call my bill collectors and say, hey I’m dying, so you know, freebie? Particularly my medical bills, which were still coming in at exorbitant rates. The balances stressed me out, and I tried not to think about it.
Thankfully, Kyle had always been over-prepared for the worst-case scenario so not only did we both have life insurance long before my diagnosis, but it was top of the line. When the terminal diagnosis had become official, a fat check had shown up a few days later that had helped us pay off the medical bills with plenty left over. It was really strange, being able to spend my own life insurance money, but I wasn’t about to complain.
“Morning, Malaika.” Speak of the devil. A shirtless Kyle walked past us in the dining room, stopping briefly to lean down and kiss the top of my head, before heading for the kitchen.
I couldn’t stop myself from gawking at his chiseled chest, his muscles expanding and contracting with each step. His pajama pants hung low on his waist, the long muscular lines on his lower abdomen pointing down reminding me of what we’d done the night before.
“Morning, Mr. Falls!” she replied, before turning her twinkling eyes to me and lowering her voice. “Good God, Tessa, you scored with that one.”
I blushed, following her gaze to the kitchen and biting my lip at the sight of Kyle’s rippled back while he poured a cup of coffee. “He’s really wonderful,” I agreed.
“And so freaking hot!” she whispered, gently smacking my upper arm.
I laughed loudly, quickly covering my open mouth with my hand.
“What’s so funny?” Kyle turned to look at us.
Malaika’s eyes went wide and she gave me a conspiratorial grin.
“Oh, nothing,” I assured him. “We were just talking about Malaika’s baby. She’s kicking.”
“She is,” Malaika quickly agreed, nodding her head and busying herself with writing notes in my file. “Gonna play soccer, this one.”
“Really?” He walked over, interested. “That’s so cool.”
“Can he feel?” I asked Malaika, not wanting to offer up her stomach without her permission.
She looked at me carefully for a second, as if wanting reassurance she wasn’t crossing a line. I didn’t mind one bit that she found my husband attractive, because, hello, he was freaking gorgeous. But I also knew Kyle only had eyes for me. There had never been a second in our entire relationship I’d ever doubted him and I had no plans to start now.
“Sure,” she agreed. “Here, give me your hand.”
He held his coffee in one hand, and gave her his other. She positioned it on the right side of her protruding baby bump this time, and his large hand nearly covered half of her.
“Shit!” Kyle suddenly gasped after we’d all been quiet for a moment, waiting for the baby’s move. “Oh, I’m sorry. I meant…wow!”
“She’s strong, huh?” Malaika’s face beamed with pride.
“Definitely,” he agreed. “There she goes again!”
Malaika rambled on about the baby and her pregnancy, but I was barely listening. Instead, I watched. The look on Kyle’s face made my entire body warm. There was such adoration in his eyes, and I knew in every fiber of my being Kyle was meant to be a father.
I wouldn’t be the one to give him that, but I wanted it for him so badly.
The picture of him standing over Malaika, his hand on her belly confirmed my thoughts. Kyle would find love again. He would remarry. He would have a family, and children, and love after me. Without me.
A peace settled over me as, for the first time, I realized I was okay with that. I’d gone through the motions before, telling him I wanted him to move on after me, but part of me had never really meant it. Part of me had wanted him mine forever…and to defy death and live another sixty years.
It was time to let go of that part.