Tuesday, September 30, 2014
“Happy Birthday, Tessa,” my husband’s soft lilt roused me to consciousness, his head burrowed in the crook of my neck.
“Mmm,” I sighed, caressing his shoulder with my hand. “Thanks, babe.”
“Twenty-nine.”
“I’m catching up to you,” I teased, despite the circumstances.
He didn’t say anything, but I felt him swallow, which made me feel slightly guilty. This was a tough time—there was no way to tiptoe around it. Everything I said was morbid, whether I meant it to be or not.
He kissed my cheek, and I turned my face to his. He smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes, and we kissed for another few minutes. When we pressed our bodies together, a yelp came from under the covers and Beast shoved his nose up between us, making his presence known.
I laughed. “Morning, Beast.”
“Damn dog,” Kyle groaned. “Come downstairs when you’re ready, okay? I’m going to make you breakfast. Malaika should be here soon for your vitals.”
“Okay.”
“Or call if you need me to carry you down,” he added, climbing out of bed and searching the floor for his boxers.
I waited for him to leave before getting up myself. He was right that the stairs were getting to be a little too much of a safety issue for me, but I could still walk around with the help of the cane or scoot down them on my butt.
I sat on the edge of the bed and stared at the full-length mirror across from me. I was so small. Not in a skinny or short kind of way—though I was both. My presence, the aura around me that made me…me, it was small and unassuming. Like my body was already beginning to retreat from the world.
I’d gone to visit Dr. Morales on Friday for the results of my latest scans. No one was surprised when the images revealed a body riddled with cancer, but I was surprised at the sheer amount. It seemed like there was more cancer than…well, me.
The doctor upped some of my pain medications, as well as adding in some others to hopefully assist my symptoms—the balance, nausea, aches, etc. It was exhausting.
Pulling on a light tee shirt with a pair of jeans multiple sizes smaller than I’d ever thought I’d fit, I examined myself in the mirror. Clothed, it wasn’t as jarring. My hands and face showed how I sick I was, but the clothes hid a lot. My hair was longer and thicker, more lustrous, tickling the bottom of my chin. I slid a hand through it and relished the softness I’d missed.
Cane in hand, I moved into the bathroom and brushed my teeth. Absentmindedly, I opened the drawer to the right of the sink and double checked that the two bottles I needed were still there. Those two little pill bottles were everything. I had taken up routinely glancing in the drawer, kind of like a security blanket.
Still there. Still my choice.
I was in control, despite having just dropped my toothbrush in the sink because my fingers went numb. Cupping my hands as best as I could, I rinsed my mouth and put back my toothbrush. My fingers tingled, but it wasn’t any worse than before. I hadn’t mentioned it to Kyle, and I probably wouldn’t. There was nothing numb about what he was going through.
“Tessa?” Malaika’s voice came from my bedroom.
“In here,” I called out, seating myself on the padded stool in front of the bathroom counter. I began pulling out compacts, eye shadows, and powders from my makeup bag. I hadn’t worn any in months. There had never been a reason why, but there wasn’t a reason why not either.
“Hey girl,” she said, waddling into the bathroom and dropping her bag on the counter next to me. “What’re you doing? I don’t think I’ve ever seen you wear makeup.”
I shrugged. “I usually don’t. Just felt like it today.”
“Oh, cool. I love makeup.” She gestured to her face. Being this close, I could see the thick layer of makeup, but she made it look so natural. “Contouring is life. I swear—game changer.”
“I tried contouring a few times, followed some online tutorials, but I looked ridiculous,” I admitted sheepishly. “I don’t think I did it right. You pull it off so much better than me.”
“Thanks.” Malaika moved her shoulders back and forth, like a fun, little shake. She began pulling a blood pressure cuff up my arm and I tried with my free hand to swirl powder onto my cheeks, but my fingers were still tingling and I kept dropping the brush.
Malaika definitely noticed, but didn’t say anything, finishing taking my blood pressure instead. “So, how are you feeling?” she finally asked.
I sighed and held up my hand. “My leg feels barely there, and now my arm is doing the same.”
“Your entire arm?” She examined me and massaged my forearm lightly.
I shook my head. “Not the whole arm, but it’s getting that way.”
“Well, how about I do your makeup today?”
I glanced at her. “Really? Don’t you have other patients to see after me?”
“Sure, but it doesn’t take too long. I’m a pro, remember?” She gestured to her face again.
I chuckled lightly. “Well, if you don’t mind, that would be great.”
We spent the next ten minutes with me seated quietly while she colored my face. There’s something about someone softly touching and caressing your face that eases your entire body—it was relaxing as hell.
When we were done, I surveyed her work in the mirror and was impressed. Somehow, she’d managed to make me look less pale, a little fuller, and darkened my features that had been fading away. “Wow, Malaika.”
“You like?” she asked.
I nodded. “I love it. Thank you!”
She clapped her hands. “Fantastic. I can do it again tomorrow if you want, and every day after that!”
“That would be nice,” I told her, then caught myself. “Well, um…for the next two days.”
Malaika’s expression switched from elated to somber. Her voice was quiet when she finally spoke. “Two days?”
“Two days.” I’d already decided. Now I just had to figure out how to tell my family.