Tuesday, September 30, 2014
“Babe?” I walked out onto the patio holding two plates of colorful, icing covered birthday cake strategically balanced in one hand. “Want a second slice?”
“Sure.” Kyle grinned, knowing full well I had wanted the second piece, but hadn’t wanted to eat it alone. He jumped up to grab the plates from me, since I was struggling to hold those in one hand and the cane in the other.
We all make sacrifices for cake. Don’t judge me.
“You seem pretty energetic today,” he noted, as we ate our second dessert.
I was seated on the end of the lounge chair facing him where he sat at the top. “It is my birthday. Can’t a girl be in a good mood?”
“Did I already tell you ‘happy birthday’?” He leaned forward and left an icing-smeared kiss on my cheek.
I grinned. “Like a million times.”
We’d already had a big birthday dinner, and everyone had given me sweet, sentimental gifts, plus this huge cake. I’d actually eaten a large first slice, but it was a few hours later and I wanted more. I was surprised as hell that I could even taste it or stomach it, but I could and it was delicious. So sugary, so perfect.
“Well, happy birthday for the millionth and one time,” he said. “It was a good one.”
Dinner had ended hours ago, and both my dad and my sister had gone to bed. I’d noticed Kyle sitting out on the patio when I’d gone to get a glass of water from the kitchen. I’d watched him for a minute, wondering if I should interrupt his private moment. He’d looked so sad, so full of grief, and his lips were moving ever so slightly like he was talking to someone. His head was turned toward the sky, and I’d realized he was praying.
My husband was praying. And I knew in my gut, it was for me.
So, I prayed, too—right there in the kitchen. I prayed my thanks that God ever put a man like Kyle in my life. It had never been hard between us—except to be apart. He was as much a part of me, as I was of him. He’d given me a beautiful birthday present—an agent to sell my book. He’d apparently been sending queries out for months with Marley’s help, and once the article went viral, they quickly responded. Someone wanted to represent my book, and sell it to a publisher.
He’d done his research—this agent was one of the best, a pioneer among women in her field. She’d taken over her agency when her mentor passed away, and she’d even named her daughter in her mentor’s honor. Her integrity shown through everyone’s adoration of her, and she had always been my number one pick for an agent. The fact that she wanted me—or rather, my book—was an absolute dream come true.
And Kyle had given me that dream.
When I finished my cake, I leaned over and put my plate next to his on the ground. He’d always eaten so much faster than me.
His legs were draped off opposite sides of the chair, so I crawled between them and leaned my back against his chest. His arms circled me and rested in my lap, tangling his fingers with mine. I looked across at the lake, dark and swirling under the night sky with only stars to illuminate the water’s movements.
“Tessa?” His voice was so hesitant, I had to look at him to see what was wrong.
Shadows cast over his face that had nothing to do with the darkness of tonight.
“You’re ready, aren’t you?” There was no inflection at the end of his sentence. He already knew my answer.
I returned my gaze to the lake, settling my head against the front of his shoulder. “I’m ready.”
“How long?”
I exhaled slowly. “Two days.”
“Two days,” he repeated. Kyle held me tighter, the breeze crossing our skin together. “I’m going to miss you, Tessa.”
“I know,” I whispered, squeezing my eyes shut.
“I don’t think I can do this,” he said, his voice catching on his last word. He cleared his throat. “I don’t know how to say goodbye to you.”
I clutched his hand in mine, rubbing my thumb rhythmically over his palm. “Don’t say goodbye. Just ‘I love you’. That’s all we need to say.”
“I love you, Tessa. All my love.”
“Show me,” I said quietly, tilting my face toward his.
His mouth found mine, needy and wanting. It was passionate and sweet, and I rotated completely to face him, scrambling with his help to climb on his lap, chest to chest. His arms wrapped around me, pinning me to him. The kiss was perfect, and beautiful, but I wanted more. If the end was coming, I wanted to spend it in love, and making love.
“Show me,” I coaxed him further, my voice a throaty moan against his lips.
He lifted my hips until I was standing next to the lounge chair, balancing myself, even though I didn’t need to since he was holding me. My fingers flew to the top of my pants and I shoved them down my legs, along with my panties. Bringing me back to straddle him, I undid his pants and freed him. Our lips locked once again as he pushed inside me.
“I love you, Tessa,” he growled in my ear, his hands on my hips, lifting and lowering me on him—hard enough to make my body tingle, but gentle enough not to hurt me. “I love you so fucking much. I’ll always love you, Tessa.”
“I love you, Kyle,” I replied breathlessly. “Always.”
A few more strokes and we were both feeling our ascension, clutching each other tightly and whispering again and again and again how much we loved each other. Every bit of strength we’d been holding on to was worn away. The realness and vulnerability of this moment tore at our armors until there was nothing left. Our bodies and hearts were completely overwhelmed, and we shattered.
We shattered, and every pretense fell with us.
The hope I would get better.
The wish things were different.
The pain of being pulled apart.
The lie that we were strong enough.
Kyle buried his face against my shoulder, sobs racking his body as I held him to me. He hugged my waist and I cried with him, stroking his head and whispering to him one more lie. One more hope. One more wish—that it would all be okay. He would be okay, and he would be okay without me. Because he had to be.
I needed him to be.