HIS dreams were haunted by a face: swollen, stupid, disturbing. Strange sounds came from the mouth. Despair as everything was snatched away, fear at the helplessness, horror as the world crashed around him. The eyes were wide, the mouth crying out with despair.
Himself!
He awoke to find himself sitting up in the darkness, shuddering.
The face was his own. No! Had been his own, he corrected quickly. Not any more. That disgusting, off-putting fool, defenceless in the power of others, had been him for the few brief days while the illness was at its worst, but that was over. His face had returned to normal, but the memory haunted him.
Hurriedly he switched on the light and seized a mirror. Yes, that was Jared Marriot looking back at him, handsome, astute, victorious. Above all, in control. The other was a ghost that he would banish, however long it took.
Growling, he leapt out of bed and headed for the bathroom to get under the shower. He was in fine shape, lean and strong, with a body that women openly desired and other men envied.
But their envy would turn to derision if they knew that he couldn’t do the one thing nature most demanded of a true man: produce the next generation.
Until now his free, self-indulgent life had been enough, and he’d given no thought to becoming a father. But the discovery that he was incapable had changed everything.
Not to care about fathering a child was one thing. Not to be able to was a humiliation.
‘Will anyone be able to tell?’ he’d demanded of the doctor.
By ‘anyone’ he meant women.
‘Not at all,’ the doctor said, understanding him. ‘Everything will be normal, except that you’re sterile.’
He’d put that to the test as soon as his strength returned. There was no shortage of willing ladies, and to his relief his performance was as excellent as it had always been. Nobody knew. Except himself.
The discovery of Mike had been like a light shining in the darkness. If that was his son, as seemed likely, he had a defence against the world’s derision. And he would secure that defence come what may.
Now his mind was working as it did on the racetrack: cool, calm, efficient. Calculate everything to the tiniest degree, allow no distractions, think only of victory. Nothing else.
So the first thing he must do—That was it! Take the first step and the rest would be straightforward.
He stared into the bathroom mirror and Jared Marriot stared back: cool, decided, uncompromising. Unfeeling.
Except for fear.
It was the last day of Mike’s school term, and he was taking part in the pageant. Kaye left work early, determined not to miss a moment. In the car park she paused and smiled up at the sun.
Then she dropped the key, astounded by what she’d glimpsed.
Stooping for it, she told herself to be sensible. Of course Jared wasn’t there. She’d imagined it. And when she rose and looked round there was no sign of him.
I’m going crazy, she told herself. Seeing things.
The pageant took the form of a procession through the grounds of the nursery school. Little Mike, dressed as a cowboy, bowed and waved to the crowd of cheering parents, accepting the spotlight as his by right. Kaye reckoned that Jared’s son simply couldn’t help it.
That was why she’d thought of Jared today, she told herself firmly. There was no need to get hysterical.
But when she collected Mike afterwards he beamed and cried, ‘Mummy, he’s here.’ ‘Who’s here, darling?’ ‘Jared Marriot.’
Her heart seemed to miss a beat. Were they both floating in fantasy land?
‘There he is,’ Mike said urgently. She followed his pointing finger, frantically trying to decide how to deal with this. Then she grew still.
Jared was standing only a few feet away, watching her.
He was really here. No, he couldn’t be.
But he was. How was this happening? ‘Ah, there you are.’
It was Stella, Hal’s wife and her friend, whose son Joey attended this same school.
‘I looked for you before but we were a bit late arriving,’ Stella said. ‘Hal brought a friend—one of the other drivers. Jared, come and meet Kaye.’
As he approached it seemed to her that he moved slowly, coming from a great distance, a ghost who haunted her and then arrived without warning. She waited for the recognition in his face, perhaps even dismay, but there was nothing. As he uttered a courteous greeting there was only unrevealing charm.
She managed to seem equally unaware, shaking his hand, trying not to be too conscious that she was touching him again after so long.
Mike tugged at Jared’s sleeve. ‘I’m Mike,’ he said.
Jared’s smile was friendly. ‘I’m Jared.’
They shook hands, Jared showing as much courtesy as he would have done to an adult. Mike was in seventh heaven.
‘Mike is my son,’ Kaye said.
No reaction. Just a conventional smile and a nod. Clearly the discovery of her child rang no bells in his memory.
‘Ah, there you are,’ came Hal’s voice as he bustled towards them with Joey in tow. ‘They’ve set up a little buffet over there. Let’s go.’
Mike and Joey moved with their eyes fixed upwards on Jared, stumbling a little, so that he reached out and grasped their shoulders good-naturedly.
‘It’s safer this way,’ he said.
He guided them to a bench and sat chatting while the others went to secure soft drinks. Kaye’s mind was in a whirl.
Why had he suddenly turned up now? Had she really seen him before or was that just an incredible coincidence?
‘Jared and Hal get on well, even though they’re on different teams,’ Stella explained. ‘I think he’s lonely because he’s got no family of his own.’
But he has, Kaye thought sadly. He has a son that he doesn’t know about because he doesn’t want to. He doesn’t even remember me, and perhaps that is because he doesn’t want to.
But a surprise was waiting for her. As they returned to the bench she handed Jared a glass of sparkling water, which he raised to her in salute.
‘We’ve met before, haven’t we?’ he said.
Yes, she thought furiously. We’ve met before, and you went all out to charm me, then left me stranded with a child as you danced away to the next woman. Oh, yes, we’ve met before.
But she only said coolly, ‘I didn’t think you’d recognised me.’
‘You worked for Brent,’ he said, making room for her to sit beside him. ‘I gather you’ve rejoined them?’
‘Yes, I left when I had Mike, but I went back recently.’
‘Still translating everything?’
‘Sort of. I run errands for Warrior. He’s part of the management now.’
‘How do you stand him?’
‘Not very easily. He goes on a bit about his “great days” and we all keep a straight face and pretend we don’t know you took the title from him.’
Jared gave a crack of laughter, and for a moment she was back in that other time when he’d seemed to laugh as he breathed, as though the joy of life infused everything.
He was the same man, she thought. The years had merely increased his pleasures and triumphs, making him more himself, more enviable, more confident that he was king of the world. And she knew a flash of resentment so sharp that it took her breath away. How dared he be so unchanged after what he’d done to her?
Her resentment increased when she saw that he was already forgetting her. Mike had demanded his attention, wanting to hear Jared talk about his last race, and then his next.
‘Valencia’s going to be good,’ Jared said. ‘It’s a winding circuit, challenging—chances to overtake.’
Kaye had to admit that he didn’t talk down to Mike, but discussed the track sensibly. In the face of her little boy’s blissful happiness her annoyance faded, just a little.
Soon Hal and his family were ready to leave. Jared rose to depart with them.
‘Nice to see you,’ he said politely to Kaye.
He gave her a nod, ruffled Mike’s hair and was gone.
‘Mum, you should have asked him to come home with us,’ Mike protested.
‘He arrived with his friends. He has to leave with them,’ she said mechanically.
Her words seemed to echo in a void. The world, so full and vibrant a moment ago, was empty and desolate again.
‘Come along, now,’ she said. ‘Let’s go home and make sure Sam’s all right.’
Her grandparents had planned to attend the pageant, but Sam’s sudden toothache had sent them hurrying to the dentist in alarm. But all was well. Kaye could see that as soon as she reached home.
‘So it wasn’t too bad?’ Kaye said.
‘Bad?’ Ethel echoed scathingly. ‘He’s had the time of his life: couldn’t take his eyes off that pretty nurse.’
‘A man needs his pleasures,’ Sam declared, getting carefully out of his wife’s way.
Kaye especially loved them when they were like this: cracking jokes, chuckling together. It was typical of them that they had always wanted her to call them Sam and Ethel.
‘No need to make us old before our time,’ Sam had said. Which Kaye thought showed some style, considering they were in their seventies.
‘There’s more to love than romance,’ Ethel had told her once. ‘A good laugh matters just as much—well, almost.’ And, watching them, Kaye knew it was true.
Over tea Mike told them all about his wonderful afternoon. They were suitably impressed. Not until the child had gone to bed did Sam say carefully, ‘That is him, isn’t it? Mike’s father?’
The subject was never discussed. They knew, but were discreet.
‘Yes, it’s him.’
‘Did he—you know—say anything?’ ‘What would he say? I’ve never been able to tell him, and I don’t think he remembers much.’ Her tone was cool and ironic.
‘Perhaps it’s time he knew?’ Ethel suggested. ‘Force it on him? No, thank you. The night it happened he wasn’t completely sober, and he didn’t really think we went all the way. I wasn’t even sure myself until I found I was pregnant. Can you imagine trying to convince him, begging him to believe me, joining the other hopeless females who go chasing after him?’
Try as she might to speak rationally, the note of bitterness crept into her voice.
‘You really hate him, don’t you?’ Sam said gently. ‘No, I don’t hate him. I’m just angry. Who does he think he is, walking back after years away? Acting like he’s some sort of deity and we’re all supposed to gasp and applaud. I’ve managed very well without him so far, and I’ll manage even better in future.’
‘Aren’t you being a bit hard on Jared?’ Sam asked.
‘Hah! If only you could have seen him. He barely remembered me. Oh, he put on a good performance, but I could tell he was scrabbling around in his memory. I won’t hear from him again and that suits me fine.’
‘Well—time for bed,’ Ethel said.
Kaye bade them goodnight, took a final look at the sleeping Mike, then went downstairs to sit in the garden, gazing up at the moon, wishing with all her heart that she hadn’t met Jared again. His second rejection would be a thousand times harder to take.
Her cell phone rang.
‘It’s me,’ he said. ‘I’m just across the road.’
Answers jangled in her head. Who do you think you are? Go away, I’m finished with you. You’ve got a nerve.
‘I’m just coming,’ she whispered.
The house faced a park. Emerging from the front door, she could see him standing beneath the trees, watching for her. The light of the full moon was just enough to show that he was full of tension, which seemed to ease as she came nearer. At last she saw him smile, and wondered if he was really overwhelmed with relief—or was that just his usual charming act?
Be careful, warned her inner voice. Don’t trust him for a moment.
‘I thought you’d be long gone,’ she said, trying to sound indifferent.
He made a face. ‘Here today and gone tomorrow, that’s me. Most of the time anyway. But sometimes it’s nice to linger and talk about old times. It’s good to see you again. Look what I brought you.’
He held up a bottle of wine, the very same kind they had drunk that other night.
‘You said this was your favourite,’ he reminded her.
‘How did you ever remember that?’ she gasped, touched even against her will.
He grinned. ‘I guess I just—remembered.’
No man had the right to be so charming. It wasn’t fair. But she was on her guard.
‘There’s a bench over there by the pond,’ he said. ‘Let’s sit down. Give me your hand.’
She did so, but reluctantly. Touching him was dangerous.
By moonlight they made their way to the bench and he poured the wine.
‘Sorry they’re only plastic cups,’ he said. ‘Mmm. Delicious.’
‘Let me look at you,’ he said, twisting on the bench and turning her gently with his hands on her shoulders, so that they were facing each other. Leaving his hands there, he studied her, his head on one side, then on the other, smiling, as if to tell her not to be offended.
‘Hmm,’ he said at last. ‘I’m not sure.’
‘Not sure I pass muster?’
‘No, I’m not sure it’s the girl I remember. You’re different.’
‘You don’t remember that girl at all,’ she said with cool irony. ‘You forgot her the next day.’
He made a face. ‘Some women linger longer than others. I recall some things about her. She was a cheeky imp, always ready with a smart answer.’
‘Oh, that’s me. Definitely. As you’ll find out if you try to get clever.’
‘Ah! And “getting clever” means—?’
‘Anything I want it to mean. I’m like that. Awkward.’
‘Good. That’s how a woman should be. I don’t like the compliant, submissive kind.’
‘Oh, please! Who do you think you’re kidding? The compliant, submissive kind is all you have time for.’
‘No, no—that’s just the public image.’ ‘Yeah, right!’
He grinned. ‘I’m not as bad as I’m painted, honestly.’
‘Don’t let your admirers suspect that,’ she said coolly. ‘They like to think you’re worse than you’re painted. If you start coming across as a decent fellow it could cost you a fortune in sponsorships.’
‘Ah, yes, macho is better.’ He struck his forehead. ‘I must try to remember how to do that. I’m sure I’ve got a book about it somewhere.’
‘You probably wrote it.’
‘You see too much,’ he said. ‘I’m afraid of you.’
‘That’s better.’ She struck an attitude, declaiming, ‘Fear is good. Fear is what I like. Fear is constructive.’
He edged away. ‘I’m getting more scared by the minute.’
She raised her plastic cup to him, sipped the wine, then rose and strolled slowly away. She needed to set a distance between them until she was more certain of her control.
She was shocked at herself. She’d meant to be so level-headed—a responsible citizen and devoted mother, efficient, practical. Part of her was managing that, but the other part was like a dazzled teenager on her first date.
But in some ways he was her first date—then and now. Over the years she’d been out with other men, but nothing had come of it because no man could touch her heart.
Then this one man had come bursting out of the shadows, reminding her of how easily he’d conquered that very heart once, and how fatal it would be to let him do it again.
She must play him cleverly; drawing him close for Mike’s sake, but protecting her inner self. An excitement was rising in her, but she beat it down. Control. Common sense.
Right! She had it now.
‘Stop just there,’ he called.
She did so, half turning to find him leaning back on the bench, enjoying the view.
‘You’re definitely not her,’ he said. ‘She was a skinny little thing, no curves. Now, you—’
‘The odd curve or two,’ she agreed. ‘I owe that to Mike. There’s nothing like having a baby to make you go in and out.’
Now, she thought, he would ask about Mike. Surely it must occur to him to wonder—especially about the name? But, if so, he was keeping it to himself.
‘Then I reckon I have to give in and admit that it’s really you,’ he said.
‘Disappointed?’ she asked.
‘No,’ he said softly, and suddenly the humour was gone from his voice, and from his eyes, leaving only intensity. Just one word, but the world had changed.
‘Come back,’ he said, taking her hand and leading her back to the bench. ‘No, wait—you’re cold.’
‘I’m fine,’ she said, although she was beginning to feel the breeze.
‘No, you’re not. Here.’ Removing his jacket, he slipped it around her shoulders and gave her a brief squeeze. ‘Shall we find somewhere indoors?’
‘No,’ she said quickly. ‘It’s nice out here. I come here sometimes to enjoy the peace.’
‘I expect Mike likes to play here with other kids.’
‘Not really. He enjoys noisy games, where he can shout at the top of his voice.’
‘Ah, yes. I remember that feeling.’
She thought of the clamour that had always been part of his life—not just engines, but people. He was a natural talker, and liked to surround himself with folk who had plenty to say. It was almost as though he feared the silence.
But now she saw him leaning back, his face raised to the sky, eyes closed, his expression suggesting deep satisfaction—like a man enjoying a rare pleasure.
He opened his eyes.
‘It’s beautiful,’ he said softly. ‘Usually I don’t get anything like this.’
‘Yes, your life has always been noisy.’
Did she only imagine that he gave a faint shudder?
‘Noise, noise, noise,’ he murmured. ‘Once I was fine with it. Now it seems to beat on me. I’ve even thought—sometimes—what am I doing? There’s got to be more to life.’
‘You mean give up racing and do something else?’
‘Well, I could always be a cab driver,’ he said significantly.
So he did remember that evening—right down to a daft little joke they’d exchanged.
‘You’d be a rotten cab driver. Everything would have to be done your way.’
‘Of course,’ he said, theatrically lofty, ‘because I’m always right.’
‘Yes, I do remember that much about you,’ she agreed. ‘It’s how you always win.’
‘I don’t always win,’ he murmured.
He spoke so quietly that she wondered if she’d been meant to hear at all.
‘You do according to Mike,’ she said. ‘He’s your biggest fan. Thank you for being so nice to him.’
‘He’s a great kid. You must be very proud of him.’
‘Yes, I am.’
Now he would ask her about Mike—who had fathered him, what had happened in her life since that night. But he said nothing, and she stared, becoming increasingly puzzled.
But perhaps it wasn’t so surprising that Jared couldn’t see that Mike was his. There was no likeness. Jared’s hair and eyes were both dark, his face lean and tense. Mike’s hair was fair, his eyes blue, his face chubby. Their only resemblance lay in the hint of wickedness in their eyes. But how could he see that?
‘Perhaps we should be going back,’ he said, and she wondered at the note of unease in his voice. ‘Yes, I mustn’t be away too long.’ Slowly they made their way back along the path that led to the street. What should she do next? she wondered. This might be her one chance to tell him about Mike. Shouldn’t she take it, risking his indifference? Or, worse than indifference, hostility. But at least then she would know where she stood.
She took a deep breath. ‘The fact is—’ She stopped suddenly, staring ahead.
‘What’s the matter?’ he asked.
‘There.’ She pointed through the trees to where they could just see her home across the road. ‘The light’s come on in Mike’s bedroom. He gets bad dreams sometimes. I’d better go and see if he’s all right.’
He came too, following her into the house just as Sam was climbing the stairs with a glass of milk.
‘Is he all right?’ Kaye asked.
‘I think so. We heard him calling in his sleep and went in. He says he’s just thirsty.’
‘He won’t ever admit to having bad dreams.’ Kaye sighed.
‘He probably thinks they’re for wimps,’ Jared said.
They all looked up as Mike came flying out onto the landing, glaring down the stairs at them, astounded at the sight of Jared.
‘I’m not having nightmares,’ he cried. ‘I’m not, I’m not.’
‘All right, all right,’ Jared said easily. ‘If you say so.’
He moved a few steps up, meeting Mike who had descended far enough to glare at him. ‘I’m not.’
‘Then you’re luckier than I am,’ Jared said, sitting on the stairs as though this was the most natural thing in the world. ‘Boy, you should see some of my dreams. Real nightmares.’
‘You?’ Mike stared, not really believing what he’d just heard.
‘Sure. Sit down.’ He moved over so that Mike could settle beside him. Down below the others kept silent, watching and holding their breaths.
‘Sometimes my job’s dangerous,’ Jared said. ‘That can be the most fun, but you need to find a way of coping. Dreams can help.’
‘Help?’
‘You relive it in your sleep, and sometimes you wake up knowing that you’ve been through the worst. Or at least knowing what you should do.’
‘I don’t do dangerous things,’ Mike protested. ‘But I—’ He stopped cautiously.
‘But you still have the odd shouting match with yourself when you’re asleep? We all do sometimes.’ Jared’s tone became confiding. ‘It happened to me a lot when I was a kid, because I began to understand that I couldn’t always make the world do what I wanted.’
‘But the world does everything you want now,’ Mike said.
‘Mmm, sometimes. Now and then you have to compromise. For instance, I’m planning to take your mother out tomorrow night, but she hasn’t agreed yet so I’m counting on you to help the negotiations.’
‘Mum!’ Mike squeaked, outraged.
‘Yes, darling.’
‘Why didn’t you say yes?’
‘Because I haven’t been asked yet,’ she said, glaring at Jared.
‘Oh, did I forget that detail?’ he asked innocently. ‘I can’t think why.’
‘I can,’ she said, torn between indignation and amusement. ‘It was the quickest way of making me dance to your tune.’
‘Yeah, that must have been it,’ he mused. ‘Well, how about it, Mike? Do I have your permission?’
‘What about my permission?’ Kaye demanded.
‘I’ll leave this to you,’ Jared told Mike with a wink.
Mike nodded. ‘Don’t worry. She’ll be there. Promise.’
‘When the two of you have finished telling me what to do …’ Kaye observed.
Neither of them took any notice of her. They were too busy shaking hands.
‘I think you should go back to bed now,’ she told Mike.
‘Promise,’ he demanded. ‘Now, look—’
‘Promise or I won’t go back to bed.’
She glanced up at Jared. ‘Then I’ll have to—but only to please Mike.’
‘That’s understood,’ he said solemnly.
‘Bed,’ Ethel commanded Mike.
He nodded and put his hand in hers. Having got his own way he was as docile as a lamb.
Kaye showed Jared to the door.
‘Sorry to do it like that,’ he said, ‘but I need to get you to myself. We have a lot to talk about.’
She nodded. ‘Yes, we do.’
‘I’ll call for you tomorrow night, at seven.’
‘Good. Then you’ll be in time to help me put Mike to bed. He’d never forgive us if you didn’t.’
‘That’s what I hoped,’ he said quietly.
He touched her face with gentle fingertips. Then he was gone, walking away through the park.
Kaye almost closed the front door, but kept it open just a crack while she watched him vanish into the darkness. One question had been answered. A hundred more still remained. But the sudden peace and contentment in her heart were overwhelming.
Later that night, in his hotel room, Jared threw himself on the bed, staring up at the ceiling, trying to come to terms with the evening. In one way it had been just as he expected. In another it had been a stunning surprise.
He’d known Kaye would be changed, but he’d been unprepared for what he’d found: a woman with sad eyes and a way of withdrawing into herself without warning. She retained the wit of her younger days, but she was no longer light-hearted. Instead there was an air of haunting mystery that had never been there before.
His fault? Almost certainly. He must find out and comfort her, if she would let him. Perhaps her barricades were there to exclude him most of all? And could he blame her? No. He must accept the blame as his own.
Another new experience.
But the biggest shock had been Mike. Sitting on the stairs, reaching out to the child by sharing things they had in common, realising that they were one in mind and perhaps in heart—nothing in his life had prepared him for that. If this dazzling little boy turned out not to be his he would be bitterly disappointed.
But he had no fear of that.
From his pocket he took a small photograph of a pretty girl with a rounded face, fair hair and blue eyes. It was his own mother, taken when she was young.
In Jared’s mind Mike appeared beside the girl. He gave a sigh of satisfaction. The same face. No doubt of it.
Now he knew what he’d come to find out, and the way ahead was as clear as a racetrack, with the chequered flag in sight.