Shelby and Justin stayed for another half hour, giving Tyler some interesting news from back home. Justin’s brother, Calhoun, and sister-in-law, Abby, had flown to Europe for a belated honeymoon, and a neighbor had bought Geronimo, Tyler’s prize stud stallion.
“I’m glad Harrison got him,” Tyler murmured, his face faintly bitter because the remark reminded him of all he and Shelby had lost. “He was a good horse.”
“He’ll be well taken care of,” Shelby added. “I’ll make sure of it.” She smiled at her brother. “Don’t brood over it, will you? We can’t do anything about the past.”
Justin saw storm clouds coming and quickly headed them off. “I hate to cut this short,” he said with a glance at his thin gold watch, “but we’ve got to go, honey.”
Shelby clung to Justin’s hand as they stood up, releasing it for just a minute while she hugged Tyler and then Nell. “Thanks for letting us come, Nell. Ty, try to write once in a while, or at least call and let us know you’re alive.”
He smiled at his sister. “I’ll do my best. Take good care of her, Justin.”
“Oh, that’s the easy part,” Justin said, and his expression as he smiled at his wife was loving and possessive and very sexy. Justin might look formidable, but Nell had a feeling he shared with Shelby a side of himself that no one else would ever see. That was what marriage should be, Nell thought. Not that she was ever going to have a chance at it.
She walked to the door with Tyler to see Justin and Shelby off. It was already dusk and getting darker by the minute. In the distance, the guest houses were all alight and there was the sound of a guitar and a harmonica playing down at the bunkhouse. Nell wrapped her arms around herself, reluctant to leave Tyler, but too nervous of him to stay.
She turned, only to find his hand sliding down to grasp hers.
“Not yet,” he said, and there was a familiar deep note in his voice.
She should have had more willpower, but things had been strained between them for too long already, and the touch of his hand on hers made her weak.
“Come for a walk with me, Nell,” he said quietly, and drew her along with him down the path that led to his cabin.
Even as she went along, she knew that she shouldn’t go. He was leading up to a confrontation. But the night was perfumed with flowers, and the stars were above them, and silence drew around them like a dark blanket. His hand in hers was warm against the chill of the desert night, and she moved closer, feeling the strength of his body like a shield at her side. She sensed his sadness and bitterness, and all the hostility fell away from her. He needed someone to talk to; that was probably all he wanted. She understood that. She’d never had anyone who she could really talk to, until Darren McAnders had come back and become her friend. But she’d much rather have talked to Tyler. She couldn’t do anything to change his past, but she could certainly listen.
He stopped at the corral fence and let go of her hand to light a cigarette while they listened to the night sounds and the silences.
“I like your sister,” she said softly.
“So do I. She and I have been close all our lives. All we ever really had was each other when we were growing up. After our mother died, our father became greedy and grasping. He was hell to live with most of the time, and he wasn’t above blackmail.”
“Have she and Justin known each other a long time?” she asked curiously.
“Years.” He took a draw of the cigarette, and his smile was reflected by the orange glow from its tip. “Six years ago they got engaged, but Shelby ended it. I never knew why, although I’m sure my father had a hand in it. Justin wasn’t wealthy and Dad had just the right rich man picked out for Shelby. She didn’t marry anyone as it turned out. Then when we lost everything, Justin went to see her because she had no one—I’d just come out here to work. And the next thing we knew, they were married. I thought he’d done that for revenge, that he was going to make her life miserable. She didn’t seem very happy on their wedding day.” He glanced down at her. “But I think they’ve worked things out. Did you notice the way they look at each other?”
Nell leaned against the fence and kept her face down. “Yes. They seem to be very happy.”
“And very lucky. Most people don’t get a second chance.”
She lifted her eyes. “If that’s a dig at me because I’ve avoided you since the square dance…”
“I was jealous, Nell,” he said unexpectedly. He smiled faintly at the stunned expression on her face that was barely visible in the dim light from the house. “Jealous as hell. I’d seen you and McAnders in a clinch, and then you dressed up for him, I thought, when you’d never dressed up for me. I just blew up. I didn’t really mean the things I said to you, but you wouldn’t listen when I tried to explain.”
“Jealous of me?” She laughed bitterly. “That’ll be the day. I’m a tomboy, I’m plain, I’m shy—”
“And sadly lacking in self-confidence,” he finished for her. “Don’t you think that a man could want you for yourself? For the things you are instead of how you look?”
“Nobody ever has,” she said shortly. “I’m twenty-four and I’ll die an old maid.”
“Not you, honey,” he said softly. “You’re too passionate to live and die alone.”
Her face went hot. “Don’t throw that up to me,” she snapped, her eyes flashing. “I was…I was off balance and you’re too experienced for me, that’s all.”
“Experienced, hell,” he said shortly. “There haven’t even been that many women, and you weren’t off balance—you were starved for a little love.”
“Thanks a lot!”
“Will you just shut up and listen?” he demanded. “You never would give me a chance to say anything about what happened, you just slung scrambled eggs at me and stomped off in a fury.”
“I was entitled to be angry after what you said to me,” she reminded him curtly.
“Oh, hell, maybe you were,” he conceded tautly. “But you could have let me explain.”
“The explanation was obvious,” she replied. “Darren was poaching on what you considered your territory.”
He smiled in spite of himself. “You might say that.”
“Well, you don’t have to worry about Margie,” she said after a minute. “I mean, it’s obvious that she’s crazy about you. And the boys like you….”
“What are you talking about?” he asked pleasantly.
“Nobody could blame you for being attracted to her,” she went on. “And I’m sorry if I’ve made things difficult for you—I didn’t mean to. You’ve lost so much. You should have somebody to care about. Somebody who’ll care about you.”
“Coals of fire,” he murmured, watching her as he smoked his cigarette. “Do you want me to be happy, Nell?”
“I want that very much,” she said, her voice soft in the darkness. “I haven’t meant to be difficult. It’s just…”
“You don’t have a scrap of self-confidence, that’s just what it is,” he said for her. “That’s a shame, Nell, because you’ve got a lot going for you. I wish I knew why you had this hang-up about men.”
“I got hurt once,” she muttered.
“Most people get hurt once.”
“Not like I did.” She folded her arms across her breasts. “When I was in my middle teens, I had a terrible crush on one of the cowboys. I plagued him and followed him around and chased him mercilessly. To make a long story short, he was in love with a woman he couldn’t have, and in a drunken stupor he decided to take me up on my offer.” She laughed bitterly. “Until then, I had no idea that romance was anything except smiling at each other and maybe holding hands. It never actually occurred to me that people in love went to bed together. And what made it so bad was that physically I didn’t feel anything for him. I guess that’s why I panicked and screamed. Bella came and rescued me and the cowboy left in disgrace.”
Tyler had listened intently. The cigarette burned away between his fingers without his noticing. “It was McAnders,” he guessed with cold certainty.
“Yes. He was in love with Marguerite, but I didn’t know it until he tried to make love to me. I realized that night what a terrible mistake I’d made.” She smiled halfheartedly. “So then I knew that I couldn’t trust my instincts or my judgment anymore. I stopped wearing sexy clothes and I stopped running after anybody.”
“One bad egg doesn’t make the whole carton spoil,” he said.
“That’s true, but how do you find the bad egg in time?” She shook her head. “I’ve never had the inclination to try again.”
“Until I came along?”
She flushed. “I told you, I was only trying to make you feel welcome. You paid me a little attention and it flattered me.”
“Where does McAnders fit into this now?” he asked. “I gather that you were fairly intimate with him before Bella came to the rescue, but how about today? Did you go from me to him?”
She shifted restlessly. “No,” she said under her breath.
He brightened a little. “Why not?”
She had to remember that he was interested in Margie, not her. He might feel a little sorry for her, but he didn’t want her for keeps. She straightened. “He still doesn’t appeal to me physically.”
He wondered if she realized what she was giving away with that remark. If she didn’t want McAnders she probably didn’t really love him. But he was going to have to make her see that, and it wouldn’t be easy.
“I appealed to you physically, once,” he said gently, his voice deep and drugging in the still night. He moved closer, his fingers lightly touching her face, her loosened hair. His warmth enveloped her, his breath was like a faint breeze, moving the hair at her temples, making her heart race. “If McAnders hadn’t shown up, I might have appealed to you in other ways. We didn’t have enough time to get to know each other.”
She put her hands slowly, flatly against his shirtfront, hesitating as if she thought he might throw them away. But he caught them gently and pressed them to the soft cotton of his shirt.
“You wouldn’t want to, now,” she said, and her voice shook. “Margie’s here half the time.”
“And, of course, you think I’m madly in love with her.”
“Aren’t you?” she asked stubbornly.
“I’m not going to tell you that,” he said. He lifted her chin. “You’re going to have to come out of your shell, little one, and start looking around you. You can’t learn to swim if you keep balking at the water.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Very simply, Nell, if you want me, you’re going to have to believe that I can want you back. You’re going to have to believe in yourself a little and start trusting me not to hurt you.”
“Trust comes hard,” she said, although what he was saying was more tempting than he realized. She did want him, terribly, but she was playing for keeps. Was he?
“It comes hard to most people.” He smoothed the hair away from her face. “It depends on whether or not you think it’s worth the chance. Love doesn’t come with a money-back guarantee. There comes a time when you have to trust your instincts and take a chance.”
She shifted restlessly, but he wouldn’t let go of her hands. “Why?” she asked abruptly. “You said you wanted me, but at the same time you said you weren’t interested in any relationships with women.”
“I said a lot, didn’t I, honey?” he murmured dryly.
She searched what she could see of his dark face. “I’m not the kind of woman you could care about,” she said miserably.
“My whole life has turned upside down, Nell,” he told her. “I’m not the same man I used to be. I don’t have wealth or position, and about all that’s left is my good name and a lot of credit. That makes me pretty vulnerable, in case you’ve missed it.”
“Vulnerable, how?” she asked.
“You might think I was interested in you because you’re a woman of property.”
“That’ll be the day,” she murmured dryly. “There’s no way I can see you chasing a woman for her money.”
His quiet eyes pierced the darkness, looking for her face. “At least you know me that well,” he said. “But part of you is afraid of me.”
“You want Marguerite,” she moaned. “Why bother with me?”
“Margie sends out signals. You could learn to do that, too,” he said conversationally. “You could waylay me in the office and kiss me stupid, or buy a new wardrobe to dazzle me with.”
She blushed and her heart jumped into her throat. “Fat chance when you made Chappy take back a rope he bought,” she reminded him to lighten the tension that was growing between them.
He grinned. “Buy a new dress. I promise not to fuss.”
“Margie bought me a new dress and you made me feel dowdy when I wore it,” she said.
“Yes, I know.” He sighed. “I keep trying to apologize, but you don’t hear me.”
Her heart was running wild; while he spoke his hands had gone to her hips and pulled them slowly to his. She tried to step back, but he held her there very gently.
“No,” he said softly. “You can’t run away this time. I won’t let you.”
“I have to go inside,” she said. Panic was rising in her at the intimacy of his hold. It was bringing back dangerously sweet memories.
“Frightened, Nell?” he asked quietly.
“I won’t be just another conquest!” she groaned, struggling.
“Stand still, for God’s sake.” He gasped suddenly, and his powerful body stiffened. “God, Nell, that hurts!”
She stopped instantly. Her color was rising when she felt what he was talking about and realized that she was only complicating things.
“Then you shouldn’t hold me like this,” she whispered shakily.
He took a steadying breath and his hands contracted on her waist. “We’ve been a lot closer, though, haven’t we?” he asked at her forehead, brushing his lips against her skin. “We’ve been together without a scrap of fabric between your breasts and my chest, and you pulled my head down and arched up to meet my mouth.”
She buried her embarrassed face in his shirt, shaking with remembered pleasure. “I shouldn’t have let you,” she whispered.
“Then Chappy came to the door and broke the spell,” he murmured at her cheek. “I didn’t want to answer it. I wanted to go on loving you. But I guess it was a good thing he came along, because things were getting out of hand, weren’t they? We wanted each other so much, Nell. I don’t really know that we could have stopped in time.”
He was right. That didn’t make her guilt any easier to bear. “And that would have been a disaster, wouldn’t it?” she asked, waiting stiffly for his answer.
“I’m an old-fashioned man, honey,” he said finally. His hands smoothed down her back, holding her against him. “I wouldn’t ask you to sleep with me, knowing that you’re a virgin. You aren’t that kind of woman.”
She bit her lower lip hard. “I’ve got all these hang-ups…”
“Most of which we removed that day in my bed,” he reminded her. “But your biggest hang-up, little Nell, is your mental block about your attractions. You’re the only person around here who doesn’t see what a dish you are.”
“Me?” she asked breathlessly.
“You.” He bent to her mouth and brushed it with his. “You’ve got a warm heart,” he whispered, bending again. The kiss lingered this time, just a second longer. “You’re caring.” He kissed her again, and this time he parted her lips briefly before he raised his head. “You’re intelligent.” His mouth teased, brushing hers open breath by breath. “And you’re the sexiest woman I’ve ever made love to…”
He whispered the words into her trembling lips before he took them, and this time he didn’t draw back. His tongue began to penetrate her mouth in slow, exquisite thrusts. This was a kind of kiss Nell hadn’t experienced before, not even that day in Tyler’s cabin, and she was afraid of it.
She tried to draw back, but his lean hand at her nape held her mouth under his.
“Don’t fight it,” he whispered coaxingly. “I won’t hurt you. Relax, Nell. Let me have your mouth. I’ll treat it just as tenderly as I’d treat your body if you gave yourself to me, little one,” he breathed, and his mouth whispered down onto hers.
The words in addition to the expert teasing of his tongue shook away every last bit of her reserve. She melted into the length of him, trembling with the fierce hunger he was arousing in her body. She moaned helplessly and felt his mouth smile against hers. Then he deepened the pressure and the slow thrust of his tongue into the sweet, soft darkness of her mouth.
But what about Margie? she wanted to ask. How can you hold me like this when you want her? She couldn’t have asked him that to save her life, because he was working magic on her body. She wanted him. Tomorrow she could hate herself and him for leading her on, for toying with her. But tonight she wanted nothing except the sweet pleasure of his mouth and his hands and a few memories to carry through the long years ahead.
She felt his hands at the back of her thighs, pulling her shaking legs closer so that her hips were grinding into his, so that she knew how aroused he was. She didn’t protest. Her hands found their way around him, to his back and down, returning the pressure shyly even as the first shudder of desire ripped through her and dragged a cry from her lips.
He lifted his head abruptly. His eyes glittered and he was trembling a little; his heartbeat was rough against her breasts. “Come home with me. I’ll sit with you in that big leather armchair by the fireplace, and we’ll love each other for a few minutes.”
She was crying with reaction. “It’s so dangerous,” she pleaded, but it was no protest at all, and he had to know it.
“I’ve got to, Nell,” he whispered, bending to lift her so gently into his arms. He turned, carrying her the rest of the way to his porch in the darkness. “I’ve got to, sweetheart.”
Her arms went around his neck, and she buried her face in his warm, pulsating throat. “I can’t…I can’t sleep with you,” she whispered.
“I’d never ask that of you,” he breathed ardently. He caught her mouth hungrily with his while he fumbled the door open with one hand and carried her into the dark stillness of his cabin.
He kicked the door shut and moved to the big armchair, dropping into it with his mouth still hard and sure on her lips.
There was no more pretense left. He was hungry and he wasn’t trying to hide it. He fought the buttons of her blouse out of his way and deftly removed it and the lacy covering beneath. His mouth found her warm breasts, and he nuzzled them hungrily, nibbling, kissing, tasting while she shuddered and arched her back to help him.
“So sweet, Nell,” he groaned as his lips moved on her. “Oh, God, you taste like honey in my mouth.”
Her hands touched his cool dark hair, savoring its clean thickness while she fed on the aching sweetness of his mouth. “Oh, please!” she moaned brokenly when he lifted his head to breathe. “Tyler, please…!”
He held her quietly while he tore open the snaps of his own shirt and dragged her inside it, pressing her breasts against the hair-covered warmth of his chest, moving her sensually from side to side so that her breathing became as rough and torturous as his own.
His mouth ground into hers then, rough with need, his restraint gone, his control broken by the sounds she was making against his lips, by the helpless movement of her body against him, silky and bare and terribly arousing.
His lean hands caressed her soft, bare back, holding her to him so that he could feel the hard tips of her breasts like tiny brands on his skin.
“Nell,” he groaned. His mouth slid away from hers and into her throat, pressing hard against the wildly throbbing artery as he drew her up close and held her, rocked her, until the trembling need began to drain out of her.
“I ache all over,” she whispered with tears in her voice. She clung closer. “Tyler, this is scary!”
“This is desire,” he breathed at her ear, and his arms contracted. “This is the raw need to mate. Don’t be afraid of it. I’m not going to take advantage of something you can’t help. I want you just as much as you want me.”
She shuddered helplessly. “It must be…so much worse for you,” she whispered.
“A sweet ache,” he confessed huskily, and his mouth brushed her cheek, her throat. “I don’t have a single regret. Do you?”
“I shouldn’t admit it.”
He chuckled, delighted with her headlong response to him, with her helpless hunger. “Neither should I. But wasn’t it good, Nell? Wasn’t it delicious?”
“Oh, yes.” She sighed, nestling closer with a tiny sound deep in her throat. “I want to stay with you all night.”
“I want that, too, but we can’t.”
“I could just sleep with you,” she murmured drowsily.
“Sure you could. Platonically. And nothing would happen.” He turned up her face and kissed her mouth hard. “You know as well as I do that we’d devour each other if we got into a bed together. We’re half-crazy to be together already, and I’ve barely touched you.”
She pulled back a little. “You call that barely touching?” she asked, awed.
“Compared to what I’d do to you in bed, yes.”
She hesitated, but he read the thought in her mind and chuckled helplessly.
“Shall I tell you?” he whispered softly.
“You wouldn’t dare.”
But he would. And he did, sensuously, whispering it into her ear while he touched her, lightly caressed her, brought every nerve in her body to singing, agonizing pleasure.
“I never dreamed…!” she gasped, hiding her face in his chest when he finished.
“You needed to know,” he said gently. “You’re still very innocent, despite what happened in your teens. I want you to understand that what you and I would share wouldn’t be painful or frightening. Physical love is an expression of what two people feel for each other so strongly that words aren’t enough to contain it. It isn’t anything to dread.”
“Certainly not with you it wouldn’t be,” she said tenderly. She touched his hard face, loving its strength, its masculine beauty. “Tyler…I could love you,” she whispered hesitantly.
“Could you, honey?” He bent, brushing his mouth with exquisite softness against her lips. “If you want me, Nell, come after me.”
“That isn’t fair,” she began.
“It’s fair,” he said. “For your own peace of mind, you need to regain the confidence you lost because of what happened with McAnders. Oh, I could back you into a corner and force you into a decision, but that would rob you of your right to choose. I won’t do it for you. You have to do it, alone.”
Her worried eyes studied his profile. “You said you didn’t want a lasting relationship….” she said again.
He turned his head and looked down at her in the dimness of the unlit room. “Make me want one,” he challenged. “Vamp me. Buy some sexy dresses and drive me crazy. Be the woman you can be. The woman you should have been.”
“I’m not attractive,” she argued faintly.
His hand swept slowly, lovingly, over her breasts. “You’re beautiful, Nell,” he said huskily. “Firm and soft and silky to touch.”
“Tyler…”
“Come here,” he groaned. He stood up with her in his arms and let her slide down his body, bent to kiss her hungrily before his hand shot out and fumbled with a light switch.
“No!” she protested, but it was too late. The soft light flooded the living room, and Tyler caught her hands before she could cover herself. He gazed down at her with an intent masculine appreciation of her attributes, which brought a wave of color up her neck and into her face. His chest rose and fell heavily, and his expression showed that he was having a monumental battle with his conscience to do nothing more than look.
“I’ll live on this for a while,” he breathed, lifting his eyes to hers.
Her lips parted as she stared back at him, all too aware of the tense swelling of her breasts, of their hard arousal, which he could see as well as feel.
“It embarrasses you, doesn’t it?” he asked softly, searching her eyes. “I can see how lovely you are, how aroused I’ve made you. It’s like letting me see you totally nude, isn’t it? But you’ve seen me that way already, Nell. Remember?”
She lowered her eyes to his bare chest. “I couldn’t forget if I tried. I thought you were perfect,” she whispered shyly.
“I feel just that way about you. I love the way you look without your blouse. I’d give everything I have to carry you into my bedroom and love you in my bed. But as things stand, that’s a decision I can’t make.” He let go of her hands and gazed at her one last time before he forced himself to turn his back and light a cigarette. “You’d better dress, sweetheart. I want you desperately right now, and I’m not quite as controlled as I thought I was.”
She stared at his back for an instant, thinking of pressing herself against him. But she knew what would happen, and it would be her fault. She sighed softly and went to find her blouse and bra.
He got into his shirt and buttoned it and smoked half his cigarette before he turned around again. His eyes were dark with frustrated hunger as he looked at her. “We can’t do much of that,” he said with a tender smile. “It gets worse every time.”
“Yes.” She smiled back. “Oh, I want you so,” she whispered helplessly.
“I want you, too.” He held out his hand, and she put hers into it without hesitation. “I’d better walk you home.”
“All right.”
He went with her up the path in the darkness. He didn’t speak and neither did she, but she clung to his hand and felt as if they’d become lovers in every sense of the word. There would never be, could never be, anyone after him. She felt that with a sense of faint despair, because she still didn’t know where she stood with him.
He stopped at the front steps and turned her. His face was clearly visible in the light pouring out the window from the front room.
“No more pretense, Nell,” he said softly. “If you want me, show me.”
“But men don’t like being chased,” she whispered.
“Try it and see,” he challenged with narrowed eyes. “You’ve got to believe in yourself before other people will.”
“You won’t mind?” she asked. “You’re sure?”
He bent and put his mouth warmly against hers in a brief kiss. “I won’t mind.”
“But what about Margie?” she groaned.
“You’ll find out about that all by yourself when you start putting your life back in order,” he said simply. “It’s right under your nose, but you just can’t see it.”
“Tell me,” she whispered.
“No. You work it out. Good night, Nell.”
Impulsively she moved closer and lifted her mouth. “Would you…kiss me again?” she whispered.
He did, half lifting her against him, and so thoroughly and hungrily that when he let her down again, she gasped.
“I like that,” he said roughly. “You might try it again from time to time. Sleep well.”
“You, too.” She watched him turn and walk back the way they’d come, lighting a cigarette on the way. His stride was moody and thoughtful, but as she turned to go in, she heard him whistling a light, cheerful tune in the darkness. She smiled, because it was a popular love song. She knew that she might be reading too much into what they’d done, but her heart was on fire for him. Maybe he didn’t really care that much about Margie. Maybe she could worm her way into his affection if she tried. But it was going to take some hard thinking before she risked her heart again. She needed time.