YourBestSpeechEverEPUB-34

Part 1: Connect with Yourself

Part 2: Social Support System

Part 3: Personality Tests

Big Five

Myers Briggs

Johari Window

Part 4: Our Stories Matter

Practice Speech: My Favorite Story

Practice Speech: Who Am I?

Practice Speech: Pitch/Elevator

Objectives

By the end of this chapter you should be able to:

1. Describe why it is important as a speaker to connect with yourself.

2. Explain why taking a personal inventory is vital to your personal awareness.

3. Describe the components of a good personal support system.

4. Identify your most extreme characteristic for each personality test.

5. Share your stories dynamically.

Only when you are aware of the uniqueness of everyone’s individual body will you begin to have a sense of your own self-worth. —Ma Jian

Years ago at the end of a course, I asked my students what they had learned about communication. One woman, Sharon, raised her hand and said, “I learned to be an audience-centered speaker.” With eyebrows raised, I said, “Please explain.” She continued.

“I never realized that I was a selfish communicator. As I progressed through the assignments and speeches, I really started to mold my messages increasingly with my audience in mind. Then, one day while speaking to my ex-husband, my world changed. I got it! You see, over fifteen years ago, I went through a divorce. It was painful and tore me apart. He cheated on me. I felt betrayed and hurt. There were constant frustrations with the custody of our son. Now my son is a grown man, and he is getting married in a few months. For the first time in years, I am going to have to face my ex-husband. I was dreading the thought. There are also financial issues that we have to discuss in relationship to the ceremony, and in our experience, this was going to involve arguing and resentments. Knowing these things needed to be addressed, I carefully thought about how to do so. My thoughts suddenly caused me to think of my ex as my audience. Putting my own emotional scarred experience with him aside, I thought of him as a person. A man excited for his only son to get married. I thought about how he must feel about dealing with his ex (myself). I thought about the stresses he must face as the director of a company, I thought about his perspective.”

“When I was ready to pick up the phone, the resentment and anger I felt slipped to the background. I dialed the number. He answered, I said “Hi. How are you?” (And meant it.) He responded in kind. I asked how he felt about the wedding and our soon-to-be daughter-in-law. Before I knew it, we had spoken for fifteen minutes without the hostilities that had obscured our dialogue for more than a decade. We moved on to the business we had to discuss and spoke openly and honestly about the commitments we could and could not make in regards to wedding—no accusations or anger. We ended the call as two parents proud of their son.”

She hung up the phone and sobbed, realizing it was she who had entered every conversation with this man with such an attitude from her pain there was nothing he could have said that would have appeased her. She had caused this agony for years. Her son told her that his Dad had shared the miraculous conversation they had had. Her son hugged her and cried. He said, “Thank you, Mom. Now I can enjoy my wedding without being stressed about you two.” Sharon’s eyes welled up again as she vulnerably shared with the class how she had always communicated selfishly, only thinking about her perspective. Her son never was able to enjoy his milestones, like prom or graduation. Even holidays were saturated with resentments. She said she felt years younger. As a nurse, her bedside manner improved; her patients couldn’t say enough about her empathy and compassion.

This amazing transformation came about because she learned to consider how her audience would respond, rather than just what she wanted from the interaction.

Communication is at the core of every dream we have. — J.R. Steele

Consider the times you have arguments and disagreements with others. How often are you speaking with the audience’s needs in mind? Imagine how it might affect your life if you could design messages so people would be open to them rather than rejecting them?

In this chapter, we will take a personal journey to explore how to understand our audience. This journey begins by developing a profound sense of self-awareness—better understanding of whom you are. Self-awareness is one of the keys to being a great speaker. The combination of the self inventory, personality tests, and examining your social support system will provide a foundation of better understanding of both yourself and others. We all differ for good reason. How we see the world is powerfully influenced by our environment, but we each have unique strengths and weaknesses that shape our lives on a daily basis.

From this humble perspective, we can begin to include these considerations when we construct messages for influencing others. The more the message matters to us, the more care we should take to consider how it will be received by others. When we do, we come audience-centered communicators. This shift in perspective can make all the difference, in speeches and life. It can be the difference between being hired or fired, between a makeup or a breakup, or being included rather than excluded. This can be a challenge when dealing with one person; considering an entire audience takes even more skill. Each audience is different, and to be effective, you must remain receptive to their needs.

Communication is at the core of every dream we have. Becoming a conscious communicator can empower you to reach your dreams.

Part 1: Connect with Yourself

Self-awareness is defined by Merriam-Webster dictionary (2017) as the “conscious knowledge of one’s own character, feelings, motives, and desires.” The self-awareness tools in this section will help you answer questions like these. How well do you know yourself? What do you think of yourself? What drives you? What is your underlying motivation? How do others experience you?

Angela Duckworth shared a story at the end of her presentation on Grit at the Broward Speaker’s Series (2017). A reporter, in a candid moment asked her for her gut “feeling”—after all the research she has conducted about success, what is the one underlying contributing factor? Duckworth instinctively responded: self-awareness. Growth is everything! The more aware you are, the more you can reach your full potential.

How do you become conscious of your core being? Northwestern University psychology professor Dan McAdams suggests you need to know your own story. He explains, “The stories we tell ourselves about our lives don’t just shape our personalities—they are our personalities.”

How do you plug into your story? You must be willing to take an honest look at every aspect of your life and how you have come to see things the way that you do, then take ownership of your actions and inactions.

Interaction 5.1: Awareness Traits

Examine the list of traits below. Which of the characteristics below are traits of an aware person and which are traits of a person who is not aware?

1. Takes Ownership: Aware____ Unaware____

2. Open: Aware____ Unaware____

3. Trusts Others: Aware____ Unaware____

4. Action Meets Word: Aware____ Unaware____

5. Makes Excuses: Aware____ Unaware____

6. Defensive: Aware____ Unaware____

7. Micromanages Situations: Aware____ Unaware____

8. Talks More than Others Do: Aware____ Unaware____

Answer: 1-4 are traits of individuals who are aware; 5-8 are traits of people who are unaware.

Would you rather have a person who exhibits the traits of an aware or unaware person as your boss? Partner? Friend? It stands to reason that healthier relationships would come from having a greater awareness. Self aware people are open to constructive feedback rather than defensive. In his article, Self-Awareness is the Key to Becoming a Successful Leader, Dan Goleman shares a story of a female engineer whose boss reports that when he would suggest a way she might improve her work, she’d respond with a “yes, but” and some defensive excuse. The young engineer’s skills were acceptable but “unlikely to improve without the ability to hear and respond to constructive feedback (2016).” This ability is a skill that develops when we tune in to ourselves and take an honest inventory. About 95% of the general public think they have good self awareness but in reality only about 10-15 percent do reports organizational psychologist Dr. Tasha Eurich in her book Insight: Why Were Not As Self-Aware As We Think, and How Seeing Ourselves Clearly Helps Us Succeed at Work and in Life .

The key to growth is the introduction of higher dimensions of consciousness into our awareness. — Lao Tzu

The Harvard Business Review reports (Tjan, 2015) that increasingly business leadership courses realize the significance of tuning into self. When you can resolve issues from the past and take ownership in the present, chances are you can better lead others (Goleman, 2016). This may seem like a crazy question, but when was the last time you took an inventory to learn more about yourself?

Take an Inventory of Yourself

Typically, inventory refers to “a list of goods and materials held by an organization” but it is also used to define the process of an individual taking stock of themselves. Merriam-Webster (2017) further defines inventory as “a list of traits, preferences, attitudes, interests, or abilities used to evaluate personal characteristics or skills.”

Periodically, companies review their inventory to correctly account for their holdings or “assets.” Periodic reviews may deliver surprises when forgotten items show up, or others disappear. That’s why a system of accounting for tangible goods is considered good business practice. On the home front, insurance agents and financial advisors often encourage their customers to take an inventory of their home. Your personality trait assets are even more valuable than your physical ones. Use the questions below to take an inventory of yourself.

Answer the following questions. Write down your answers or discuss them with a friend—or both. You’ll benefit from making this an annual event.

1. What are your five greatest strengths? What are your five biggest weaknesses?

2. When people first meet you, what words would they use to describe you?

3. What words would you use to describe yourself?

4. What three things are most important to you?

5. What are your top three pet peeves?

6. What is your proudest moment? What is your most embarrassing moment?

7. What are your goals for this day, week, month, and year?

8. How organized are you, and how does your organization affect your life?

9. In a typical room filled with people, to what extent are you an extrovert? What does that mean about how you communicate?

10. How open are you to change compared to other people?

11. What is your learning style preference and to what extent? Think of someone close to you. What is their learning style preference?

12. Do you think more globally (big picture) or sequentially (specifics)?

13. What part of your brain dominates your interactions? How does this compare to other people around you?

14. When is the last time you really looked into your own eyes in the mirror? If you haven’t, do so. Look closely. Did you like what you saw? What made you uncomfortable or comfortable?

15. What is your personal mission statement? Write one if you don’t have one.

16. What is funny to you? What do you not find funny?

17. What is the nicest thing you have ever done for someone? What is the nicest thing someone has ever done for you?

18. What is the worst thing someone has ever done to you? And the worst thing you did to somebody else?

19. Who is the happiest person you know? Who is the most miserable? What makes them the way they are?

20. Who is the best communicator you know? What makes them great? Who is the worst communicator? What makes them bad?

21. What are your three best moments in your job?

22. What are five things you do to raise your self-esteem and five things you do to harm your self-esteem?

23. What is your biggest fear?

24. What is your personal favorite quality you possess?

25. What is your favorite picture of yourself?

26. What is the funniest thing you have ever witnessed? When have you laughed the hardest?

27. How often do you laugh? How could you laugh more?

28. Whom in your life do you most admire and why?

29. Who in your life admires you? Why?

30. Describe a time in your life when “you being who you are” opened doors for you. When have “you being who you are” closed doors for you?

Were some of these questions difficult to answer? Take the time to get to know yourself better. Have you ever heard the quote by George Bernard Shaw, “Life isn’t about finding yourself, it is about creating yourself?” If you haven’t already, begin the creation process today. Ask the hard questions. Examine who you are, inside and out. You will have the intel to create the life of your dreams.

You are never strong enough that you don’t need help. — Cesar Chavez

Part 2: Social Support System

What is social support? The Journal of Health Social Behavior defines it as a “support accessible to an individual through social ties to other individuals, groups, and the larger community.” As human beings, we depend upon each other. The people we have or allow in our lives influence us greatly. According to researchers social support is one of the most important factors in predicting our success, happiness, physical health and well-being from young to old, rich to poor, conservative to liberal, (Gallo, et. al., 2005; Clark, 2005; Hale, Hannum & Espelage, 2005; Stice, Ragan & Randal, 2004). Even the National Cancer Institute’s Dictionary of Cancer Terms offers a definition (2017): “A network of family, friends, neighbors, and community members that is available in times of need to give psychological, physical, and financial help.” They have found that individuals who have a strong social support system have a much better chance of successfully winning the fight against cancer (www.cancer.gov).

Help others achieve their dreams and you will achieve yours. — Les Brown

It is vital to create a positive social support system. Ryan Cuff poses the question, “Which Came First, the Depression or the Social Isolation?” The absence of social support, Clark (2007) states, can predict the deterioration of physical and mental health among the victims. While not everyone was born into a supportive environment, we can and should consciously work to create a positive network. It is worth your time and energy to explore how to develop and nurture relationships in your life. As I explore this question with clients, often they say they don’t have many people in their lives. I always wonder if the lack is based solely on a limited perspective that perpetuates their circumstances. It boils down to being open and willing to allow people in your life as opposed to being closed and unwilling to risk involvement. For instance, one person sees co-workers, whether they like them or not, as participants that actually make up their lives; another refuses to acknowledge that co-workers have any bearing in their life. If an individual who sits next to you for eight hours a day, forty hours a week, has no place in your life, they never will. Neither will the others in the department, or the building or the business, or the block. Those who see co-workers as people with whom they interact, and that like them or not, they matter, have the potential for a support structure to emerge.

The article Social Support and Resilience to Stress (Ozby et al, 2007) reveals that a positive social support provides psychological resilience to adapt well in the face of adversity. In other words, when life offers lemons, our social support system helps us make lemonade! Both quality and quantity of relationships matter. 2400 years ago, Greek historian Herodotus found that “Of all possessions a friend is the most precious.” Consider this list of criteria from Table 5.1 to assess your overall level of support.

Table 5.1: Six Criteria to Determine the Overall Level of Social Support (Clark, 2005)

1. Support from a lover/spouse

2. Support from a group of higher figure

3. Assurance of worth from others

4. Reliable support

5. Guidance and support from a people/friends

6. Opportunity of nurturing

The people in our lives influence our lives. Sometimes this influence is positive, sometimes it is negative, but either way, the people around us affect us greatly. Who are the people who influence your life? Let’s take a journey to examine this network of people that exist as your support structure.

Interaction 5.2: Social Support

Who are the people who make up the characters in your life?

Please note that you don’t have to like or even trust the individuals you list. These are people who “get” your time, for whatever reason. They account for the moments that make up your life. Imagine the tick-tock of the clock. . . seconds, minutes and hours—to whom do you give those moments? Anyone who captures a portion of your time per week should be listed. Next list the degree of positive influence they have on your life on a scale of 1-10.

Would they agree? Why would your opinions differ?

PEOPLE IN MY LIFE

(Use a separate sheet of paper, maybe even create a comprehensive list on the computer that you can modify and reflect upon in the future.)

Name	Rank	Name	Rank
__________________________________________ __________________________________________ __________________________________________ __________________________________________		__________________________________________ __________________________________________ __________________________________________ __________________________________________

Now refer to the list of people on that list. Visually show your relationship with these individuals by placing their name in the following table. Illustrate how close each relationship is to you by the associated sphere with the inner circle characterizing your closest relationships. Distinguish the following: Friends, Family, Other (work, church, neighbors, organizations, online relationships, or community groups.)