With the rise of narcissism in recent decades, more and more people are finding themselves in relationships with narcissistic men and women. Narcissists are hard to avoid these days because our culture promotes narcissistic behavior as glamorous and rewards it shamelessly. Narcissism has been called an epidemic as studies show it’s increasing just as fast as rates of obesity. Research tells us that today’s youth are three times more narcissistic than their predecessors and a large percentage of this increase has been attributed to a greater number of narcissistic women. 1
I wrote my first book “It’s All About Him” after my divorce from a man who was diagnosed with pathological narcissism to help others recognize and escape the emotional abuse that occurs in such a relationship. I’ve been amazed by the number of women who have reached out to share their own similar experience of trying to love a narcissist.
More unexpected, however, has been the overwhelming number of men who have asked that I write about the female narcissist. It is not easy for a man to admit he’s been abused by a woman, but such abuse is an unfortunate reality we can no longer afford to deny. In fact, in my research, I have found that female narcissists are often more cunning, manipulative and ruthless than their male counterparts.
Why is it so difficult for us to accept that a female can be just as, or even more abusive, than a man? The main reason for this is because we have been conditioned to believe women are nurturers. Women inherently have more empathy and compassion for others because they are equipped to provide primary care and feeding to their offspring, right?
Unfortunately, what is not accounted for in this widely held assumption is the fact that some women experience an arrested development in their early childhood, which prohibits them from experiencing or feeling the kind of empathy required to sufficiently care for others. These women suffer from Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and are truly incapable of love. It is certainly unfortunate these women have failed to evolve in a healthy way, but important to recognize in order to avoid being hurt or manipulated by such women.
It is critical to understand that narcissists are predators. Perhaps because one does not expect predatory type behavior from a woman, the female narcissist can be much more covert and stealth-like in her approach to lure her prey. A female narcissist knows how to manipulate a man into believing he is pursuing her when all the while she has targeted him from the beginning.
Female narcissists use their physical assets to attract, manipulate and control their victims. Whereas, men use their power and status to dominate, female narcissists have mastered the art of seduction and exploit the fact that many men are visual creatures. They target and hunt men they know will have the means to cater to their needs and stroke their insatiable ego.
It is often much more difficult for men to spot the red flags of narcissism early on in a relationship. Women can often determine a man’s intentions by seeing how patient he is to get physical. It’s not quite so simple for a man. While finding someone of good character is just as important to a man, men are primarily drawn to women via their sexual attraction, which gives an attractive woman a considerable amount of power over even the most discerning of men.
It is important you understand the type of personality you’re dealing with in a narcissist and stop blaming yourself for the pain and confusion you may be feeling right now. If you have been in a relationship with a narcissist for some time, you have been experiencing emotional abuse at the hands of someone you love, which is one of the most agonizing experiences one can have in love and life. Please do not minimize what you’re going through and inform yourself by learning more. Knowledge is power.
“It’s a deep and certain truth about narcissistic personalities that to meet them is to love them, but to know them well is to find them unbearable. Confidence quickly curdles into arrogance; smarts turns to smugness, charm turns to smarm.“ - Jeffrey Kluger
Underneath the flashy exterior of a narcissist is a fragile ego, which requires constant attention and validation. The implications this has on a relationship are far more damaging than you could ever imagine. Eventually, a narcissist will belittle, criticize, devalue and discard you. Emotional abuse is inevitable in any long-term relationship with a narcissist. The abuse is not only devastating, but comes out of nowhere and causes you to question everything you thought you ever knew.
Narcissists are incapable of reciprocating love, which makes healthy relationships with them impossible. While they appear caring in the beginning, eventually you realize, they have simply put on an act in order to win and secure your love. The only reason a narcissist seeks out a relationship is to ensure someone is always present to meet her never-ending needs.
She has a sense of entitlement which leads her to believe she is deserving of everything from everyone; and if you want to sustain a relationship with her, you should be prepared to provide beyond what is typically considered reasonable. If you don’t, she will be sure to remind you she can easily get this from other men in her life with the snap of her fingers. A female narcissist prides herself on having a large circle of admirers (i.e. supply) available to stroke her ego at all times.
My ex-husband was a narcissist. Not just someone who exhibited narcissistic tendencies, but someone who was diagnosed with pathological narcissism by his own therapist. Someone’s narcissism is labeled pathological when it becomes so extreme they have no ability to recognize other people as independent of themselves. They literally believe the world revolves around them and people exist to cater to their needs. It is not just selfish, arrogant behavior that makes a relationship with someone like this difficult. It is much more complicated and thus, important to understand and recognize as early as possible.
Knowledge is power and can be truly liberating.
While my ex-husband joked from day one about being a narcissist, it unfortunately took me eight years to look into the true meaning of narcissism and how it impacts a relationship. When I did, it explained everything to me and opened up a whole new world for me. I have made it a goal to share what I have learned with others so they don’t live in the dark like I did for years.
I wrote my first book “It’s All About Him“ to build awareness and help others recognize a narcissist before getting involved. I also started an on-line support forum at www.ThePathForwardNow.com/ where members talk about their attempt to love a narcissist. No one knows what it is like to be in a relationship with a narcissist unless they have been through it themselves. Being able to talk with others who are going through a similar experience is very cathartic. Our forum is a safe haven for members to share their story with others who can relate on a level no one else can.
I am frequently asked how to get over a narcissist. While there is no magic pill, you CAN and you WILL move on with time and knowledge of who and what you are dealing with in the emotionally void narcissist. Our current forum is full of great ideas and suggestions from members getting over such toxic relationships. Based on the collective wisdom of this amazing group, dedicated forum moderators, personal experience and research, I have developed Six Steps I believe will help you recover and move forward.
It is my sincere hope and belief that the following steps will help you understand what you experienced, process your pain, and heal. Nothing here is rocket science and some of it may even feel like common sense. However, it is important to me to provide my readers with a path to recovery. Based on my personal journey, this is what has worked for me. I hope you find it helpful.
Step 1 - Understand It
We educate ourselves on the personality of a narcissist.
Step 2 - Get It Out
We find an outlet to share and express our emotions.
Step 3 - No Contact
We accept the only way to restore our sanity and regain control of our lives is through No Contact.
Step 4 - Get Real
We no longer deny reality and are ready to face our anger and fear.
Step 5 - Wake Up
We tap into the power of our mind to awaken our spirit and find ourselves again.
Step 6 - Heal
We have a newfound compassion for ourselves and commit to live in the moment.
Once we learn to see the narcissist for the person they really are, we are finally able to free ourselves. We realize we do not need this person in our lives to feel whole and complete. We were whole and complete before this person entered our lives and we will be whole and complete once we end our relationship with this person. It is the narcissist who is preventing us from being truly happy. It is so important you understand this.
NOTHING stands between you and your true self, but the narcissist in your life.