We educate ourselves on the personality of a narcissist.
Being in a relationship with a narcissist is like being on a roller-coaster ride that never ends. One moment, you feel loved, adored and cherished. The next, you feel devalued, discarded and abused. Narcissists have often been described as having a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personality. They engage in “crazy-making” behavior to make you feel as though you are losing your mind.
You never know what kind of mood a narcissist is going to be in and you certainly never know how she is going to treat you. A narcissist is unpredictable and unstable. You are always walking on eggshells around her. She wants to keep you guessing and doubting yourself at all times.
We all possess narcissistic tendencies. It is important to understand that narcissism falls on a spectrum. When a person’s narcissism becomes so severe that it consumes them, it develops into a pathological personality disorder called Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Put simply, pathological behavior describes anything carried to such an extreme that it becomes abnormal. A narcissist is so wrapped-up in herself that she cannot feel emotions for others. She is incapable of reciprocating love or feeling empathy for anyone. She does not experience these feelings as we do. As a result, doing things for others is pointless to her. Her entire life revolves around doing things to please herself.
A narcissist has delusions of grandeur that are so severe, it is impossible to live with her and maintain any modicum of sanity. The sense of entitlement a narcissist feels is mind-boggling, to say the least. A narcissist is always right and believes others should feel honored to be in the presence of her greatness.
Narcissists are great actors, which serves them very well in the beginning of a relationship. A narcissist is like a chameleon. She will figure out what you’re looking for in a woman and then mold herself into this image in order to win you over.
Once a narcissist has your heart, her true colors emerge and the reality of her true persona can be quite frightening. Once in control, a narcissist becomes demeaning and cruel. She will devalue and discard you within time. It is inevitable in any long-term relationship with a narcissist. It is critical to our recovery that we understand why the narcissist behaves the way they do. More importantly, you must understand that you have done NOTHING to bring about this drastic change in her behavior. You must accept there is absolutely NOTHING you can do to bring back the woman you thought you fell in love with and adore. Unfortunately, you suddenly realize this woman never existed. She simply put on an act to win you over.
Accepting this is not easy, but it is imperative we understand this in order to move on. We need to get real with ourselves about what happened in our relationship. Only by understanding the narcissist do we realize we have suffered emotional abuse and trauma at the hands of the person we love.
Narcissists can emulate emotions better than anyone. While they initially appear more sympathetic than the average person, the truth is, they are incapable of feeling emotions. Of course you’re probably thinking to yourself, everyone has feelings. You may think that feelings are instinctual and we are all born with the ability to feel. You’re right. All humans have emotions. However, everyone is different in how they relate to their feelings.
Humans have found many ways of numbing themselves in an effort to avoid having to feel. For some, drinking alcohol or doing drugs helps numb unwanted feelings and allows an individual to disconnect from themselves for a short while.
Some individuals eventually learn not only how to numb their pain, but develop an ability to disconnect from themselves and their feelings altogether. They separate from their emotions because they have learned their feelings do not help them. They only cause them pain. This describes the emotional state of a narcissist.
One of the most well-known theories in psychology is Sigmund Freud’s theory that as children, we pass through different psychosexual stages. According to Freud, if a child is over-indulged or under-indulged in any of these stages, it results in what he calls “fixation.” Fixation describes an adult who is stuck or attached to an earlier childhood mode of satisfaction.
An infant does not see others as indistinguishable from the self. An infant or small child perceives the world as an extension of themselves. Children feel that people, particularly mother, are present to cater to their every need. They know that if they cry, they can elicit an immediate response in those around them. They will be presented with food and cradling in response to any fussing or crying on their part. They see others as existing solely for their purpose.
This type of selfishness is natural for an infant or small child. They must rely on others to meet their needs in order to survive. According to Freud, this extreme selfishness, or “narcissism,” is a normal psychosexual stage of development between the stages of “auto-eroticism” and “object-libido.”
Children eventually grow out of this narcissistic stage. They grow out of it and learn to understand that others have needs as well. Unfortunately, not everyone grows out of this stage. If they received too much or too little attention, they become “fixated” in this stage, obsessed with getting their needs met at all times.
Sadly, a narcissist was either neglected as a child or over-indulged. She is stuck. She never developed the more complex feelings that make us uniquely human, like love and empathy. She does not relate to the world or others in the same way we do.
Recently, many studies on narcissism have found that our modern-day culture is contributing to the rise in narcissistic behavior, leading some to believe less in the theory of childhood neglect and more in the theory of over-indulgence. Unfortunately, today’s society rewards narcissistic behavior over integrity and character. Do morally upright people get their own reality television show? I think not. Instead, those who display haughty, arrogant, self-indulgent and child-like behavior are rewarded with their own television series. Think “Real Housewives” and “The Kardashians.”
Daughters who once would have been disciplined for spoiled behavior are now running their own television empires and glamorizing insidious narcissistic behavior young girls look up to and emulate. Our youth are obsessed with celebrity culture and grow up believing fame is the only noteworthy pinnacle of success.
The self-esteem movement produced a generation of young girls who filled their rooms with “Princess” pillows and participant trophies just for showing up. In fact, 30% of today’s students feel they should get good grades just for attending class. Their sense of entitlement is bewildering to professors, which I can personally attest to first-hand as an educator.
Today’s social media breeds narcissism by constantly encouraging women to post provocative photos and create online personas that reflect their superiority. Facebook and Twitter enforce narcissistic behavior as they require excessive self-promotion. More and more women are becoming addicted to the validation it provides. Narcissists are obsessed with social media because it provides the ultimate reflection back to them of just how special they are. It acts as a mirror and narcissists LOVE mirrors. Narcissists can often be found admiring themselves in the mirror for hours.
In fact, many narcissists prefer to be auto-erotic (masturbate) vs. make love to another person and will often perform these acts in front of a mirror. This is mainly due to the fact that they dread and fear intimacy and are more turned-on by their own image than the idea of being with someone else.
While one may confuse this for self-love, it is the furthest thing from it. In order to love another person, one must first love themselves. A narcissist loathes themselves down deep. They know there is something wrong inside, but can’t figure out what or why they feel so miserable and empty inside.
Bottom line is that a narcissist is emotionally stunted and incapable of feeling the range of emotions, which bring us joy, like love and gratitude. The female narcissist disconnected from her true self a long time ago. I will explain this in more detail throughout my book, but the easiest way to think of her is as a five or six year old child who has yet to understand that she is not the center of everyone’s universe. The inconvenient and inevitable reminder that the world does not revolve around her is a disappointing reality she refuses to accept, which contributes to her misery and ongoing unhappiness.
Since narcissists are not in touch with their true self, they are dependent on others to fill a void. Unfortunately, no one can ever fill this insatiable void because their expectations are unrealistic, unattainable and ever-changing. No one will ever be good enough for them and they will repeat this cycle of abusing and discarding romantic partners throughout their lives.
Charlie‘s Story
Charlie and Monica had been together several months and Monica was still going to dinner with other men on a regular basis. Despite wanting Charlie to put a ring on her finger, Monica did not understand why Charlie had an issue with the fact that she needed to have dinner with other men once or twice a week. She told him if she didn’t continue to see these other men, whom she swore were just friends, she would feel smothered and stifled by him. Not only did she expect him to accept this without question, but he was never invited to join these dinners. For almost 8 months, Charlie put up with Monica going out to dinner in NYC with other men, most of whom she once dated and were obviously attempting to win her over.
Monica had achieved the narcissist's dream of having a rotation of admirers available to her at her disposal and wasn’t willing to give it up for Charlie.We often think of men having a harem, but female narcissists are notorious for having a very large circle of men doting on them at all times. When a narcissist gets in a committed relationship, she has a very hard time giving this up and often, as was the case with Monica, may not give it up for anyone.
Today’s technological age makes it very easy for narcissists to create a large circle of admirers (i.e. supply). Some create relationships with people in other cities or states because it is very easy to hide a relationship like this from their significant other. I know of many female narcissists who claim to go on business trips only to be found visiting another member of their harem.
Long-Distance Relationships (LDRs) are perfect for narcissists who thrive on having a large source of supply available to them at all times. A narcissist’s ego is so fragile that it can never be satiated by just one person. A narcissist requires a plethora of supply and if they’re not up-front with you about it, as Monica was with Charlie, they will hide it from you.
Another person often found in the narcissist’s “rotation of others” is the on-line admirer who is even easier to hide and provides just the right amount of ego-stroking when needed. Narcissists often prefer LDRs and On-Line Relationships because they provide validation without much effort and require little to no intimacy, which is something the narcissist dreads.
Narcissists also prefer these types of relationships because they feel it gives them the right to demand lots of sexting. Because narcissists are very auto-erotic (prefer masturbation to intimacy), they often find the LDR or On-Line Relationship to be a dream come true.They are easy to hide and require NO intimacy or effort, yet provide plenty of validation for their fragile ego!
Monica wanted Charlie to propose. She had reached her forties and was ready to procreate and behold a mini version of herself. Charlie is a successful attorney who could provide the kind of life she wanted and she knew this. Monica was putting the pressure on to get married, but Charlie was understandably hesitant due to the rotation of men she insisted on having in her life. Ultimately, the relationship ended because Monica was not willing to give up her circle of men and Charlie knew he deserved more. Later in the book, I will share first-hand accounts from several others who had a very similar experience, often much more devastating, to Charlie’s, but wanted to share this brief story upfront as I believe it helps explain the typical behavior of a female narcissist.
I coached Charlie through this break-up and am proud of him for doing the right thing and ending the relationship. Despite knowing in his gut that she was wrong, it took him a long time to fully believe it, which just goes to show how easily the narcissist brainwashes us into accepting way less than we deserve. No one should put up with this kind of selfish and manipulative behavior, but the narcissist is so covert and charming that they are often able to cause us to doubt ourselves to the point that we do accept way less than we know we deserve.
“Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.” - Mark Twain
There is much confusion and pain when in a relationship with a narcissist. We repeatedly find ourselves let down and disappointed by our partner. We have given our heart and soul to this person, but they cannot return our love and we do not understand why. Often, we deny the reality of our situation for years before we get honest with ourselves.
Getting over a relationship with a narcissist is not the same as with a healthy well-adjusted adult.In a typical breakup, we grieve the loss of love, the pain of saying goodbye, the sadness of something wonderful ending, broken promises and halted dreams.
When grieving a narcissist, this pain is compounded by the reality that this person is not who you thought she was at all. Thinking you know someone and then suddenly being confronted with a person you don’t even recognize is quite a shock to the system. She professed her love and commitment to you one moment, but then abandoned you the next by either emotionally withdrawing or physically leaving. You realize she never loved you and simply used you to meet her never-ending child-like needs.
“The eye sees only what the mind is prepared to comprehend.” - Henri L. Bergson
What Is Narcissistic Personality Disorder?
How do we recognize a narcissist before we get hurt? Certainly, only a certified mental health professional can diagnose someone with pathological narcissism. When they do, they typically use the following criteria provided by the American Psychological Association (APA):
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (DSM-IV code 301.81)
Five or more of the following characteristics are present:
Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
Believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
Requires excessive admiration
Has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations
Is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her
Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes
In addition to the criteria above, I have created 30 Signs I believe can help you recognize the female narcissist:
Dresses provocatively and flaunts her body.
Spends hours on her makeup and hair even when simply running a quick errand.
Obsessed with her looks and her image, refusing to wear anything but the best brand names.
Extremely materialistic.
Has had plastic surgery, perhaps numerous times.
Constantly asks you to snap photos of her she can post on FB or other social media sites.
Maintains a circle of male “friends” or “admirers” to ensure she has an ever-changing and deep source of narcissistic supply.
Must always be the center of attention and if not will get a glazed over look in her eyes when the focus is not on her.
Feels entitled to special treatment and expects others to pay for everything as they should feel honored to be graced by her presence.
Lacks empathy and simple common courtesy. Zero compassion for others, but good at faking it in the beginning.
Feels that rules don’t apply to her.
Has strained relationships with her family members.
Envious of others and often found back-stabbing friends or family she is jealous of or feels threatened by in some way.
Constantly comparing herself to others to prove she is better than them.
Has few female friends because she’s convinced that all women are envious of her and if they don’t appear to be or play to her power, she will discard them.
Fears and dreads intimacy.
Heightened fear of abandonment.
Always puts herself first, even before her own children.
Extremely competitive, even with her own children.
Very controlling and will use anything (i.e. withholding sex) to put herself in a position of power.
Exploits others for her gain regardless of who gets hurt.
Has an addictive personality.
Often creates drama for no reason.
Blames everyone else for her problems.
Is always right and no one can prove her wrong.
Projects her issues onto others.
Manipulates and lies with ease.
Arrogant, condescending and demeaning.
Unpredictable in her moods and actions. Swings from hot to cold and can become very aggressive.
Engages in “Crazy-Making Behavior” to make you feel as though you are the one at fault.
Why Do They Devalue & Discard Us?
Unfortunately, once a narcissist is victorious and secures your love, the idealization phase of the relationship passes and her true colors emerge. You begin to see the pathology of her personality and realize she merely put on an act in the beginning of the relationship to win and secure your love. She becomes demanding and angry, unaware that you have needs or a separate self at all. She simply finds it impossible to see you as an independent entity.
Trying to understand how you went from being idolized and put on a pedestal to being completely discarded is baffling. Suddenly, you can’t do anything right and nothing you do is good enough for her. By understanding the inevitable Devalue & Discard (D&D) behavior of a narcissist, you will finally realize what happened and know that you did NOTHING wrong to cause such a drastic change in her behavior.It is important to understand when in a toxic relationship, you are viewed as nothing more than an extension of your narcissist. Narcissists seek out relationships in order to ensure someone is present to cater to their needs, stroke their ego and make them look good.
Male narcissists often select a trophy wife. Beautiful women are the ultimate status symbol for men...proof of their masculinity and virility. On the other hand, female narcissists are typically attracted to wealthy men who can support their obsession with image and status.
A narcissist will eventually devalue and discard you with no remorse. It is inevitable in any relationship with a narcissist. At some point, she will emotionally and physically withdraw from you and leave you wondering what you did wrong. Please remember, you did NOTHING wrong. It has NOTHING to do with you. A narcissist is unable to attach in a healthy way to anyone. Ultimately, she will pull away no matter what you do.
One person can never fill the deep void a narcissist feels in her life. Narcissists are addicted to and require an ever-changing and dynamic source of Narcissistic Supply (i.e. admirers). The narcissist has a lot of built-up resentment toward her significant other. She knows she is reliant on you for validation. However, she craves variety and is easily bored.
As a result, she blames you for tying her down to a monotonous and mundane lifestyle. This creates in her a great deal of anger towards you because she does not want to rely on you, yet knows she must in order to get the validation she so desperately needs. She does not respect you because she knows you put up with a lot of abuse from her. You have done nothing wrong but be overly giving and nurturing. Yet she is angry with you and blames you for all of her unhappiness.
She is urgent, preoccupied with herself and always trying to right her chronic imbalance. While some narcissists do not feel the emptiness in their lives, their behavior causes major suffering and angst among those around them. Once a narcissist feels she has obtained control of you, you will see a completely different side of her you never knew existed. Once in control, a narcissist becomes demeaning and cruel.
Narcissists are oblivious to others and how their behavior affects people close to them. They dismiss the feelings, ideas, and opinions of others. They are condescending in their nature. They belittle, criticize, judge and put others down. A narcissist can be blatant about it or quite subtle in her approach. At times, she has a way of putting you down in such a way that you don’t even realize you have been insulted until you reflect upon the conversation later or someone points it out to you. Other times, she can be brutally offensive.
While narcissists do not always realize how hurtful their behavior is, it doesn’t mean at times, they are not deliberately abusive. A narcissist is purposefully abusive when her relationship with you changes in a way that is not to her liking. This occurs whenever she starts to feel too close to you. Intimacy terrifies a narcissist, and she will respond by being abusive in order to push you away.
Another example of when a narcissist is intentionally abusive is if you voice your displeasure or threaten to leave the relationship. A narcissist cannot be alone. She is terrified of being alone and must always have someone present to validate her. By asserting abusive behavior, she is attempting to maintain her dominance and control over you.
A narcissist has a way of turning everything around so you begin to question yourself. She will do something terribly mean or cruel. You will talk to her about it, and by the end of the conversation, YOU are the one apologizing for some reason. A narcissist knows how to manipulate better than anyone.
A narcissist eventually becomes sarcastic and belittles you constantly. You begin to feel you can do nothing right in her eyes and your presence is hardly tolerable. You’re baffled. You wonder what you did wrong to cause such a drastic change in her feelings toward you. You struggle desperately to return things to the way they were in the beginning. Unfortunately, as hard as you try, things will never be the same again. She is not the woman you thought she was. It is a maddening and precarious way to live and can drive anyone to the edge of their sanity.
When a narcissist feels she is in control of you and is not threatened by any fear that you will ask for too much from her or leave the relationship, she will engage in escapist activity and appear as if she hardly knows you exist the majority of the time. You are merely present to validate her should she not get enough attention from the outside world that day.
You are treated with indifference by the person who once showered you with love and affection. Her “silent treatment” is her way of devaluing you. If you begin to pull away, she will lay on the charm again. A narcissist knows when to engage her false self to ensure you never leave her. She is always reminding you that she understands you like no one else can or ever will. It is essential that she makes you believe only she can understand you.
By constantly telling you that you have problems and quirks only she can understand, she hopes you will become dependent on her. By telling you she loves you despite your flaws, she believes you will begin to feel unlovable in some strange paranoid way. This is her way of ensuring you will never leave her. It is narcissistic manipulation at its finest and it is important that you recognize it.
A narcissist will always ensure she has someone present and available to her at all times to validate her. Unfortunately, she will give you no warning when she decides to leave in pursuit of validation from someone new. This is when we must remember we did NOTHING wrong and this outcome was inevitable.
A narcissist will simply discard you when she becomes convinced that you can no longer provide her with sufficient validation. Keep in mind, this evaluation of hers is totally subjective and not grounded in reality at all. Suddenly, because of boredom, a disagreement, an act or a failure to act, she swings from total idolization to complete devaluation.
She then disconnects from you immediately. She needs to preserve all of her energy in order to focus on her new sources of supply. She sees no need to spend any of her precious time and energy on you, whom she now considers useless.
You must accept the fact that you were not an object of love to this person, but a pawn, a mere source of supply to feed her fragile ego; nothing more, but certainly nothing less.
Once you understand how she must constantly change her source of supply, you will realize her rejection of you has NOTHING to do with you. She will repeat this cycle in every relationship she enters. It is inevitable. Be grateful this toxic abusive woman is out of your life and never let her back.
Why Can’t They Change?
People with Narcissistic Personality Disorder are rigid and often unaware that their thoughts and behavior patterns are inappropriate. Research indicates they are rarely the ones who come in for treatment. Instead, the spouse, significant other, children, and parents of the personality disordered are the ones who suffer and seek therapy. Narcissists do not typically seek treatment.
Furthermore, personality disorders begin in adolescence/early adulthood and do not change over time. While narcissists often have a hard time dealing with stress and may have symptoms such as substance abuse or anxiety that can be treated with medication, it is important to understand that the personality disorder itself cannot be treated. These personality traits are so deeply ingrained that they defy change.
One analogy that illustrates the permanence of a personality disorder is to compare it to a mental illness. Mental illnesses (such as Schizophrenia or Bipolar Disorder) can be treated with medication and cognitive therapy. Most mental illnesses are caused by disruptions in brain cell receptors and synapses, which are believed to be genetically inherited. As long as someone with Schizophrenia or Bipolar disorder is committed to taking their medication regularly, symptoms subside and they feel and act relatively normal.
The onset of mental illness is typically quite sudden and profound. It is often described as though a heavy wool blanket has descended upon a person’s personality and smothered it.
A personality disorder, on the other hand, is all pervasive.
With mental illness, a person’s personality is smothered or blanketed by the onset of the illness. Medication used to restore proper chemical balance in the brain helps to remove the blanket and bring back the true personality of the individual.
In contrast, the personality of someone with a personality disorder is virtually interwoven into every fiber of that blanket. It is the fabric and foundation of who they are. If you unravel the blanket, you unravel the person’s entire personality.
Therefore, the way I see it is simple: you have two choices. You either accept your partner for who she is or you move on. It is critical that you understand you have done NOTHING wrong nor is there anything you can do to change the situation. It is not your fault. You fell in love with someone who is incapable of having an adult mature relationship. Personality disorders cannot be treated. Sometimes in life we must accept the fact that the only person we can change is ourselves. I know I have learned this lesson more than once in my life. It is not an easy lesson, but it is an important one. Accepting that there is nothing you can do to improve your relationship with the person you love is painful, but powerful.
Why Must We Get Real To Heal?
The painful part is obvious. Loving someone who cannot return your love is agonizing and difficult to accept. However, the knowledge that no matter what you do, this person will never change is quite powerful, in my opinion. Once you understand this fundamental truth, a whole new world opens up to you. Your newfound knowledge should be liberating.
When in a relationship with a narcissist, we often lie to ourselves in order to keep going. We lie to ourselves that things aren’t as bad as they really are. We do not want to accept that the person we fell in love with is not who we thought they were in the beginning. No one wants to admit this. Why would we want to admit this without a fight? We have invested so much in this relationship. We do not want to believe that our soul mate is not real. We would rather exhaust every possibile excuse or explanation we can before we admit this inconvenient truth to ourselves.
I lied to myself for years about my ex-husband, refusing to see the side of him I didn’t want to see. Unfortunately, lying to yourself like this forces you to disconnect from your true self just like the narcissist did as a child. Trust me, this is no way to live. Denial is akin to death. When you disconnect from yourself, I believe you die a slow death inside. You become your own worst enemy. Subconsciously, you know you’re lying to yourself. You know you are denying your reality, burying your head in the sand and living in the dark.
No matter how hard we try to fool the mind into thinking everything is ok, it knows the truth. The mind is amazingly powerful. We may try to avoid thinking about it by keeping ourselves busy with work or projects. We may even try to numb ourselves with alcohol, but at the end of the day, we know we are lying to ourselves.
In order to keep the lie alive, you disconnect from yourself. You then begin to get angry with yourself for not being strong enough to face reality. Anger turned inward turns into depression. So now, not only are you miserable in your relationship, but you feel dead inside, angry and depressed.
“When one is pretending, the entire body revolts.“ - Anais Nin
We cannot avoid reality. We have to be honest with ourselves. If not, we lose all trust in ourselves. We must “Get Real to Heal,“ as I like to say. When I finally got real and faced reality, it explained everything to me and gave me a second chance at life and love. We will talk in more detail about the importance of getting real in a later chapter.
For now, it is important to understand that the only closure you can possibly hope for in a relationship with a narcissist is the knowledge that this person is permanently disordered and disturbed. She will never change. You must accept her for who she is and all her limitations or move on and create a new life for yourself.
I believe in creating a new life. We owe it to ourselves. There is no question that we deserve real and authentic love. Life is short. There are people out there capable of genuine love and we deserve nothing less. In order to receive it, we must first be honest with ourselves about the reality of our situation and face the truth. This way we can make ourselves available when the “real deal“ comes along.
Why Do They Seek Out Relationships?
So you’re probably asking yourself why someone so self-absorbed would have any interest in pursuing a relationship with someone else. What you have to understand is that a narcissist is looking for meaning to fill up her emptiness. A narcissist has no inner sense of self and requires someone prove to her that she exists by reflecting her image back to her.
Narcissists need people more than anyone. They have very specific reasons for being in relationships, but they are not built on the universal need we all have, which is to love. They do not enter or stay in relationships for love. Their motives are quite different. They become involved in relationships in order to ensure their needs are met and someone is always present to provide them with the attention and adoration they require in order to feel alive.
Narcissists feed off of attention. Adoration from others is what fuels them. It is like a drug to them and they are addicted to it. Sam Vaknin, a self-professed narcissist and author of “Malignant Self-Love Narcissism Revisited” calls this drug “Narcissistic Supply (NS).” NS is any form of attention an individual receives from others. 1
According to Vaknin, there are two types of Narcissistic Supply - Primary and Secondary. Primary Narcissistic Supply is the day-to-day changing attention a narcissist receives from various different people she encounters throughout her day. When a narcissist does not receive enough Primary NS from strangers or others to fulfill her desires, she resorts to what is called Secondary NS.
Secondary Narcissistic Supply is strictly for backup purposes. Secondary NS is obtained from a narcissist’s significant other. The significant other is a constant presence in the narcissist’s life. Therefore, they are always available and accessible to her, should she encounter deficient Primary NS at some point during the day.
A narcissist needs to ensure she has a constant and reliable source of supply at all times. The best way she has found of doing this is to have a significant other in her life. She does not love this person, nor does she wish to be with this person most of the time. However, because it is impossible to control how much attention or Primary NS she will receive from the outside world on a daily basis, she must make certain she has a backup form of it that is always available to her. It is for this reason a narcissist seeks to find a significant other. She prefers Primary NS because it is ever-changing and dynamic, but when unavailable, she will resort to Secondary NS ... a.k.a. her significant other.
What Is The Ego-Self?
The following terms have been used interchangeably in our culture for years: real self, true self, inner child, higher self. These terms refer to the same core part in humans. It is who we are when we feel most authentic or genuine. Our true self is loving, giving, expressive, creative, and spontaneous. Overall, we feel whole and alive when we are in touch with our true self. This feeling of wholeness and happiness can only come to us when we are open, honest and real with ourselves. We refer to this as the “Real-Self.”
In contrast, what has been called the false self, unauthentic self, or public self describes how we feel when we are uncomfortable or strained. Alienated from the true self, our false self is egocentric, selfish, withholding, envious, and critical. This is what we call the “Ego-Self.” The Ego-Self is attached to material things and physical image. The Ego-Self prohibits us from being in touch with our true inner self, which is required in order to attain any level of spirituality, in my opinion.
The Ego-Self is often used by individuals as a way to cover up their true feelings. The Ego-Self is inhibited and fearful. Once formed and functioning, the Ego-Self stifles the growth of the Real-Self. The more developed one’s Ego-Self becomes, the more nonexistent the Real-Self becomes.
Healthy well-adjusted people engage their Real-Self the majority of the time. The Ego-Self is reserved only for situations in which one feels threatened or uneasy. The Ego-Self is often used as a defense mechanism. The Ego-Self often feels the need to impress others.
All of us are guilty of engaging the Ego-Self from time to time. It typically happens when we’re in a stressful situation, nervous or distracted. We just can’t seem to be ourselves. We may find ourselves saying something silly to impress someone else without even realizing how ridiculous we sound. It can happen to anyone depending on what is going on in their lives at the time. If we are distracted and not able to focus on the moment, we may try to fill space by saying something without thinking. Bottom line is when we engage our Ego-Self, we are NOT being authentic.
The Real-Self has more compassion for others and encourages an authentic interaction where we can truly be ourselves. We are comfortable being ourselves and can drop all defenses. The Ego-Self, on the other hand, refuses to look at reality or face difficult issues.
It is important to understand that the Real-Self plays NO role (active or passive) in the conscious life of a narcissist. That is because a narcissist’s Ego-Self has completely killed off her Real-Self. A narcissist is dead inside and will always rely on others to validate her existence.
The Ego-Self serves many functions to a narcissist, the most important being that it acts as a shield or barrier to anyone who could potentially hurt, upset, or disappoint her. The Ego-Self can absorb any amount of pain. The Ego-Self feels the need to dominate and control, seeing others as nothing more than pawns in a quest for power.
A narcissist typically invents her Ego-Self as a child. By inventing it, she develops immunity to any abuse, indifference, smothering, or exploitation she may fall victim to as a child. She does not want to feel the feelings this mistreatment causes. Therefore, she invents an Ego-Self to protect herself from the pain.
By projecting an Ego-Self to others, a narcissist is able to live in a fantasy world of her own creation. Her Ego-Self acts as a defense shield to ensure her Real-Self (buried deep within) can never be hurt again. It essentially protects her from the pain of her reality. Unfortunately, it also kills her spirit, disconnects her, deadens her inside and prohibits her from attaching to any other human in a healthy way.
Why Can’t It Ever Work?
As you now know, narcissists disconnect from themselves as children. What may be even more important for you to understand, however, is not only has a narcissist disconnected from herself, but she will NEVER allow herself to connect with another person under any circumstance.
A narcissist lives in a world of fear. She is afraid of being exposed, afraid of being abandoned and afraid of losing control. Living in a state of fear like this causes her to always be in a “fight or flight” mode. She is always on the defense and unable to let her guard down.As a result, she does not attach to others in a healthy way and inevitably destroys any trust that once existed in a relationship. The demise of a healthy relationship with a narcissist is unavoidable.
Why Can’t They Love?
Narcissists are incapable of feeling love or empathy. It is critical that you understand this. They are stunted emotionally and never developed the feelings that make us uniquely human, such as compassion and love. Healthy, well-adjusted children eventually grow out of the narcissistic stage. They grow out of it and learn to understand that others have needs as well.
Unfortunately, not everyone grows out of this stage. If they were neglected or over-indulged as a child, they become fixated in this stage, obsessed with getting their needs met at all times. This is where the narcissist is stuck. She is stuck at age five and completely oblivious to the fact that others have needs or wants of their own. The only feelings a narcissist experiences are the primal, instinctive gut feelings we all possess in order to survive - Anger and Fear. We are all born with these instincts as they are critical to our survival (i.e. Darwin's Theory).
This also helps explain why when a narcissist becomes upset, she is capable of fierce rage. That's because anger and fear are the only real feelings a narcissist experiences. Therefore, when she feels these feelings, watch out. This is no acting. This is true and authentic rage.
It is actually quite sad. Narcissists are not able to experience the range of emotions we can. They will never encounter pure joy, compassion or true love. Sure, they think they love you but that's because they are dependent on you for survival, not because they are in love with you in any mature, adult or romantic way.
Let me be clear, you did mean something to the narcissist. You made her feel alive. A narcissist only spends time with people who inspire and excite her. However, at the end of the day, a narcissist is incapable of feeling genuine love and will inevitably move on in pursuit of new supply. Her attention is always fleeting and only temporary. She is always looking for the next best high, like a drug addict.
Unfortunately, she cannot help it. Narcissists never develop the complex, evolved feelings that make us human. Deep down they know they are different. They know they should feel these feelings and learn to mimic this behavior by watching others. They do not want to be "found out" so they "act out" the feelings they know they should feel in the beginning of a relationship in order to win your love. Unfortunately, this is only an act and once they feel confident that they have secured your love, their true colors will emerge.
Why Can’t They Accept Love?
Narcissists might hope for love and caring, but feel very uncomfortable if they seem to find it. Being in love makes them feel vulnerable and this terrifies them. They doubt the authenticity of real love and devalue anyone who loves them because they believe that person, like themselves, can never live up to their expectations of perfection. Narcissists cannot grasp the concept of unconditional love that includes the acceptance of flaws. Love does not sustain them. Instead it feels unsafe. Admiration feels safer because it can be earned through achievements and credentials. Since these are things they can control, they feel much safer being admired, rather than loved.
As a result, they seek attention and admiration from as many people as possible. Those who profess their love are eventually discarded and devalued. Narcissists are unaware of how they vacillate between idolizing and devaluing their significant other. At the end of the day, however, it is important to understand:
A narcissist would rather be admired by many than loved by one.
Why Do They Dread Intimacy?
Narcissists dread intimacy and view it as weak. In their mind, becoming intimate with someone cancels their superiority and demystifies them. They thrive on being unique and in control. As explained previously, once in a long-term relationship, many prefer to be auto-erotic (masturbate) than be intimate.
In the beginning of a relationship, narcissists use sex as a lure and a hook to reel you in.The art of seduction gives them a thrill and they appear overly-sexual from the high of seducing new supply.
They are addicted to it, which is why they are never able to fully stop engaging new supply for the opportunity to flirt and seduce new targets.
Seducing new prey is like a drug to them because it validates their ego and makes them feel powerful and alive. This explains why many people experience a decline in sexual activity with a narcissist once they settle down together.
Are They All The Same?
For the most part...YES. Once you understand a narcissist, you can pretty much write the script for the next one you encounter. However, there are some differences worth noting, which may pertain to your narcissist.
In his book “Malignant Self-Love,” Sam Vaknin describes two types of narcissists: The Cerebral Narcissist and The Somatic Narcissist.
Vaknin believes when narcissists create and project a false image of who they wish to be, they are either Cerebral (intellectual) or Somatic (sexual). In other words, they either attract attention by applying their intellect/talent or by applying their sexuality/bodies. 2 Narcissists know by perfecting their looks or exhibiting superior intellect or talent, they will obtain the adoration they so badly crave. Female narcissists are known for using their physical assets to lure their victims and men often use their position of power.
Once a narcissist determines what they possess that best attracts attention, they will perfect it and hone it like nothing else. They are addicted to attention and will create and project an Ego-Self they are certain will attract the most attention.
The Somatic Narcissist flaunts her body and uses her sexuality to attract others. A Cerebral Narcissist, on the other hand, uses her intellect, knowledge, or talent to attract attention or obtain power.
All narcissists are both Cerebral and Somatic. However, one type is always dominant in a narcissist. The narcissist may swing between her dominant type and recessive type, but she typically prefers utilizing one over the other.
Cerebral (intellectual) Narcissists regard sex as a chore ... something they must do in order to maintain their source of Narcissistic Supply ... a.k.a. their significant other.
Somatic (sexual) Narcissists derive validation from their sexual conquests. In the dating world, the trend of “hooking up” or sleeping around is perfect for narcissists of this type. They love to brag to others about the numerous admirers they seduce and view sexual partners as nothing more than narcissistic supply.
Another distinction I have seen some make is between: The Passive Narcissist vs. The Aggressive Narcissist.
The Aggressive Narcissist is one who consciously feels and maintains a sense of self-importance. She knows she is special and demands special treatment from others. She is extremely manipulative and exploitive of others. She can only relate to others who provide her with money, success and power.
The Passive Narcissist, on the other hand, feels damaged and constantly devalues herself. She constantly seeks affirmation from men. She fluctuates between extreme lows and depression where she withdraws from others to an irritable and aggressive mood where she rages and becomes verbally or physically abusive.
The Aggressive Narcissist will only date powerful, successful men and usually plays them against one another in her attempt to determine who is most deserving of her greatness.
The Passive Narcissist is more clingy, but then in an attempt to guard against feared abandonment, becomes demeaning and cruel to engage in a never-ending power play.
How Do They Brainwash Us?
Narcissists lead us to believe we have something we actually do not have, and we hold on to it. We think we have a relationship with an amazing person, when in reality we are living with an illusion that our relationship is special. The acting talent these personalities possess is astounding. They are brilliant con-artists and we must accept that the wonderful person we fell in love with NEVER existed.
They hid behind a mask of smoke and mirrors in order to obtain control of us and manipulate us to meet their never-ending child-like needs.Once you learn to see the narcissist for the person she really is, you are finally able to free yourself.
The emotional abuse that occurs in a relationship with a narcissist is merciless and relentless. Narcissists brainwash us. They use several different methods of coercion in order to obtain control over us. They threaten, degrade, shift blame, criticize, manipulate, verbally assault, dominate, blackmail, withdraw and withhold love and affection from us. We often refer to it on our forum as “Crazy-Making Behavior” and it is also known as “Gaslighting.”
The dictionary definition of gaslighting is “to drive someone crazy” and narcissists use this method to keep their victims under their control. The term gaslighting was coined in the movie “Gaslight” from the 1940s. Ingrid Bergman won an Oscar for her portrayal of a wife who is made to believe by her husband that she is going crazy and imagining things so he can gain access to her inheritance. He repeatedly lights a gas lamp in one part of the house, causing the other lamps to become dimmer. When Bergman’s character asks her husband about this, he denies that it’s happening and tells her she is seeing things. Put quite simply, gaslighting is a form of brainwashing. The narcissist denies that events ever occurred or certain things were said. This causes the victim to doubt what they’re hearing and seeing to the point that they begin to question their sanity. A member of our on-line forum was married to a man who would sneak into her closet to tighten the waist line of her pants and skirts to make her believe she was gaining weight!
Over time, the victim begins to believe the gaslighter and essentially succumbs to their brainwashing. They start to think they are imagining things and have some kind of mental illness or faulty memory. When one doubts their perception of reality, the gaslighter is able to control that person because they become completely dependent on the gaslighter for the truth.
A common tactic of a narcissist is to project their own issues on to their victim (i.e. Projection). Projection should be their middle name. They do this in an attempt to hide any actions or truths they do not want brought to light about themselves. It is their hope that by projecting issues of their own onto you it will distract you from noticing their malignant behavior.
A narcissist wants you to believe you have problems and issues only she can understand and only she is willing to tolerate. By doing this, she believes you will begin to feel unlovable and never leave her out of fear of rejection in the future.
What Are They Like With Children?
As you now know, narcissists will never let their guard down enough with anyone to ever feel genuine love for them nor do they experience real emotions. Therefore, doing things for others whom they have no feelings for is pointless. Even their own children pose a threat to them. Children talk back and do not always agree.
Narcissists only enjoy being around their children when the child is a shining example of them or when the child does exactly what is asked of them. Since children cannot be on their best behavior 100 percent of the time, I’m sure you can imagine how a narcissistic parent responds to their children on a daily basis.
The majority of the time, narcissists are either jealous of the attention their child receives from their partner and others, or they are frustrated by the amount of time and energy the child requires of them. Since narcissists do not enjoy expending energy or doing things for others unless they get something out of it, they have very little tolerance for the needs and demands of children and resent them greatly. There is no immediate gratification for a narcissist after tending to the needs of a child. Their whole life is about fulfilling their own needs, not others’.
A narcissist’s biggest fear in life is to find herself in a mediocre, monotonous existence.
Narcissists feel omnipotent, grandiose, and unique. To live a routine, common, domestic life terrifies them. What is important to understand is that a narcissist will inevitably pull away, disappear or run at some point to avoid the dreaded idea of being settled-down for life.
Unfortunately, when the female narcissist does file for divorce, she often uses her children as pawns against her husband. She sees her children as nothing more than a means by which to tragically torture the man she is divorcing by denying him the right to see his children. The impact this has on the children is devastating. It is hard to believe any mother would put the pathological satisfaction of tormenting her ex-husband before the needs of her own children, but it is an unfortunate reality that many fathers live with on a daily basis.
Why Are We Drawn To Them?
If you’re like me, you have fallen for more than one narcissist. As a result, I often ask myself why I’m attracted to these personality types and would like to understand why they are attracted to me. The first part of this question is simple. As I mentioned earlier, it is easy to fall for them. They are charming, witty and often the life of the party. To spend time with them is exciting and fun. There is an intensity about them that is indescribable. They possess a force that is magnetic. There is simply never a dull moment and they always keep you on your toes.
On the other hand, understanding why they are attracted to me is a bit more perplexing. Recently, however, I have finally started to understand it. I have learned I am an “Empath,” which describes a person who is highly tuned into other’s emotions and extremely sensitive. I have always been this way. In fact, my childhood friend was once asked to describe me in one word and without hesitation she responded by saying “SENSITIVE.”I was surprised by the rapid-fire response she gave, but it was eye-opening, to say the least.
I have always been sensitive, and I find this to be both a blessing and a curse. I can feel other people’s emotions as if they’re my own. I have been told by others that my ability to empathize with them is palpable. While this is a blessing in many ways, it can prove difficult in interpersonal relationships. Empaths feel things more strongly than others and narcissists pick up on the sensitivity of an Empath and take advantage of it. An Empath is the perfect accoutrement to a narcissist.
Empaths are incredible listeners, naturally giving and always there for people they care about. Narcissists notice this immediately because they purposefully seek a partner who is compassionate and in tune with their never-ending needs. An Empath absorbs the emotions of others and will easily fall prey to a narcissist, who uses others as an emotional sponge.
Empaths are very sensitive to suffering in the world and are often idealists who want to fix the world’s problems. Empaths have an incredible capacity for self-sacrifice and are often found volunteering or dedicating time to help others. People naturally feel comfortable sharing their feelings with an Empath because of their incredible ability to feel compassion and connect with others.
Whereas a narcissist does not connect well with others, an Empath connects too much. When Empaths are around peace and love, they flourish. However, when surrounded by an emotional vampire, like the narcissist, an Empath is ravaged. An Empath absorbs the negativity, fear and rage of a narcissist. So much so that they take on these problems as their own and try to fix things for their partner. This is precisely what a narcissist is looking for in a partner and exactly why they seek out relationships with Empaths.
They choose us for a reason. They choose us because we are strong, successful, intelligent and driven. They need someone to take care of them and certainly are not going to choose someone who can't provide for them. They know they can take a lot from us and gain significantly by being in a relationship with us. They want to be taken care of and choose strong people to partner with for a reason. Overall, I believe being an Empath is truly a gift, but we must be careful not to allow others to take advantage of us.
Do They Miss Us?
As long as a narcissist has someone to cater to their needs and stroke their ego, they do not miss us. A narcissist does not experience emotions the way we do. Our memories are triggered by our five senses. Narcissists have little to no emotion so their memory recall is much different than ours.
There are two types of memory for the same situation. One is explicit memory - a memory of the details of the experience and the other is implicit memory - a memory of the emotions connected to the experience. For example, smelling a baked apple pie reminds me of my beloved grandmother’s wonderful baking and brings about an emotional response of missing her. This is what we call implicit memory or emotional memory.
Explicit memory, on the other hand, is different and includes my ability to remember how to make the pie - the details of the experience. Narcissists are very good at explicit memory - the details, the how to, when, where, what, etc. However, they have horrible implicit memory, which is always triggered by an emotion, or sense of smell, touch, taste, etc. They are incapable of bringing forth emotional memories, only factual memories. Therefore, if you wonder whether they have memories of us, the answer is yes and no.
Yes, they remember the details of your relationship with them. However, the emotions of it are totally lost on them. They enjoyed their time with you. Trust me, you made them feel alive. If not, they never would have chosen you. However, they are incapable of feeling any real emotion and certainly will not experience emotions when remembering you. I know it’s hard to accept, but it is simply the way they are built.
Why Do They Keep Coming Back?
Why do they keep coming back? Why can't they leave us alone? It is important to remind you that a narcissist has no inner-sense of self. As you know, they disconnected from themselves a long time ago. Because they have no sense of self, they must be validated by others in order to feel alive. Without outside validation, they feel dead inside.
If a narcissist is feeling insecure or lonely, she will seek out validation from anyone she can get it from. If she comes back to you after your relationship has ended, you must understand she is coming to you because she is not getting enough attention or validation from her current source of Narcissistic Supply. I know this is tough to accept, but it is true. She is not returning to you because she misses you or genuinely loves you. If she returns to you, it is simply because she needs to be validated and nothing more. If she can’t get a positive reaction from you, she will ensure she can elicit a negative reaction. This is precisely why she may come back to insult or demean you. All she needs is a reaction from you - good or bad. She doesn’t care if it is a positive or negative reaction as long as she gets a reaction from you. She needs to know she still has some kind of hold or effect on you.
Please remember, a narcissist is only returning to get a “quick fix” on her addiction to Narcissistic Supply. She desperately needs outside validation and will do anything to secure it. Whether it be upsetting you to get a rise out of you or charming you into submission, she is determined to get a reaction from you at that moment. Once you validate her by responding to her in any way, shape or form, she has gotten her fix and will move on to the next best high. Getting a reaction out of you is like a drug to her. She gets off on it and needs it in order to thrive. It gives her a thrill.
Please do not give her this satisfaction. Please do not feed her addiction. The only way to deal with a narcissist is to go “No Contact,” which we will discuss later in the book. Just remember, indifference is the only way to respond to her attempts to get a reaction from you. I hope if you understand why she is coming back, you will be able to stay away from her. Do not give in to her. She is just looking for a quick fix and will immediately move on once she has used you for it.
Why Is It So Hard For Us To Stay Away?
Many of us don’t understand why we can’t stay away from them even after we learn how toxic they are to us.
We must remember they have brainwashed us. Like a salesman, they keep us coming back with the lure, the promise and the hook.
They are master manipulators. They know how to make us feel guilty, so we will come back for absolution. They know how to make us feel sorry for them, so we will offer to help them. They know how to promise great things, so we will return in hopes that it will be different this time. They know how to make us doubt ourselves, so we will seek validation from them. Ultimately, they have trained us to return to them over and over again.
There is a principle in behaviorism called “Random Reinforcement,” which explains how inconsistent responses to identical behavior can lead to addiction. This same principle is precisely why slot machines and gambling are dangerously addictive. You get a big reward for a certain behavior on one occasion; other times that same behavior leads to a huge loss or punishment. The thrill that the next go-around might be the big pay-off or reward for a certain behavior keeps us coming back for more. We chase that high from the last time we were rewarded. Being in a relationship with a narcissist is like a roller-coaster ride with incredible highs and unbelievable lows. It is exhilarating and exciting one moment, and demoralizing and demeaning the next.
We get caught in a cycle of chasing that next high, hoping that if we weather the storm, the next moment will bring the return of the good again. Unfortunately, the good never returns permanently. The narcissist knows by rewarding us intermittently, we remain hooked. They keep us on our toes guessing and always ensure we are left wanting more from them.
Narcissists are brilliant manipulators and know what they’re doing every step of the way. They enjoy punishing us more than they enjoy rewarding us. It is all part of a master plan to keep us under their control. It is part of the lure (the hook) and they use it to play us like pawns.
After spending years with a narcissist, we begin to doubt our ability to make decisions. They have controlled and directed our every move for years. They train and condition us to look to them for answers, which ultimately strips us of our ability to make any choices for ourselves. As a result, we are terrified of being alone.
“Stockholm Syndrome” is a term used to describe a psychological phenomenon where hostages bond with their captors. The syndrome is named after the Norrmalmstorg robbery of Kreditbanken at Norrmalmstorg in Stockholm where bank robbers held bank employees hostage from August 23 to August 28, 1973.
In this case, the victims became emotionally attached to their captors and even defended them after they were released. The term Stockholm Syndrome was coined by the criminologist and psychiatrist Nils Bejerot who assisted the police during the robbery. Frank Ochberg originally defined it to aid in the management of hostage situations and describes it as:
“A primitive gratitude for the gift of life.”
There is still debate as to what specific factors contribute to the development of Stockholm Syndrome, but the goal of every abuser is the same - to ensure the victim becomes reliant and dependent on him or her for survival. Continued contact between the perpetrator and the hostage, a long duration before resolution and emotional abuse vs. physical abuse are key components. These are the very components at play when in a long-term relationship with a narcissist, which helps explain why it is so difficult for us to stay away.
Narcissists isolate us from our family and friends so we become dependent on them. As discussed earlier, they use various methods of coercion, including gaslighting to cause us to doubt ourselves and become reliant on them.
Stockholm Syndrome makes it very hard for us to break off contact. Because the narcissist has brainwashed us to be reliant on them for survival and the truth, we are afraid to be on our own.
This is often referred to as “Trauma Bonding” because the narcissist has conditioned us to believe we can’t live without them. The narcissist wants to keep us confused and coming back to them so they can keep using us forever. It takes a lot of time and effort for us to finally realize we are actually better off on our own.
It is for this reason our support forum at www.ThePathForwardNow.com/ is so important when coming out of a relationship with a narcissist.
We need to deprogram from the narcissist and talk to others who understand what we are going through. No one understands like those who have been through it themselves and the support we give one another is essential to our recovery.