We find an outlet to share and express our emotions.
As humans, we absolutely must process our feelings before we can recover or heal from any painful experience. Until we do this, we remain stuck. This is not only important for our emotional health, but our physical health as well.
We Gotta Get It Out!
Research now exists to prove that unresolved emotional pain can cause physical illness. I had such a severe auto-immune response after my divorce that I lost the ability to walk for one month. It was a terrifying experience and proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that our emotional health can certainly impact our physical health. Hence the importance of processing our feelings before they become toxic. What we now know is that unresolved emotional trauma floods our bodies with hormones, which leave our immune systems weak and vulnerable to attack.
People tell us to just move on and expect us to get over it, but we can't until we fully process how we feel about it, share our story with others who can relate, and organize our thoughts in such a way that we feel we have made sense of the situation.
You may ask: “How do I make sense of a senseless situation?”
Well, this is certainly not easy, but I believe sorting out our feelings and organizing our thoughts in a way that helps us feel we have given the experience some kind of form and structure helps tremendously. We have a need to organize the trauma and chaos we experience in life.
It makes us feel better to express ourselves in a way that allows us to feel as though we can finally put the whole crazy mess to rest in our heads. Until we do this, we will always obsess about it. Each of us must find an outlet to give creative expression and form to what we experienced. For me, this outlet has been my first book, “It’s All About Him“ and my music CD, “Gotta Get It Out.“
The key is to find an outlet in which we can express our feelings and share our story. This may include talking to family members or friends, sharing on our on-line forum, journaling or creating art or music. Whatever it is, it is critical that you find an outlet to express yourself in a way that helps you release your emotions and put things in perspective. In my opinion, it is the only way to put it to rest in your mind.
A narcissist will never give us closure, but we can help ourselves get closure by making sure we process our feelings.
Why is this step so critical? Research tells us the main reason for the stress of psychological trauma is that our memories of these horrible events are fragmented. Psychologically traumatic events are ones that have no good explanation. You have painful facts that make no sense, right?
Our natural tendency is to avoid thinking about painful memories or events. We suppress them and hope they will go away. But, they don't. If you don’t process them, deal with them and get them out, they will never go away. This is because the mind is most settled when there is coherence to our thoughts.
The only way to resolve conflicting thoughts is by remembering them, processing them and making sense of them. One way of doing this is by sharing our story with others. Sharing our story with people who understand is extremely healing and cathartic. It validates our experience and reassures us that we are not alone in our struggle.
Telling your story allows you to link together your emotional memories, which makes the traumatic events more coherent. It makes memories of these events less likely to be repeatedly called to mind so they can be laid to rest. This stage is imperative before you can move on.
Do not be afraid to cry as often as you need. It is cathartic and necessary in order for you to move on. Do not be afraid to get angry... that's your self-esteem returning and you can channel it into doing things for yourself to help you heal. Too often people think anger is a negative emotion. Anger is not inherently positive or negative. It is how we RESPOND to our anger that determines whether it is positive or negative.
We cannot control what happens to us in life, but we can control how we RESPOND to it. It is our response that determines our future.
Taking steps to take care of yourself is a positive response to anger.
Do not be afraid to feel your feelings and get honest with yourself. Remember, we must “get real to heal.“ If you repress your feelings, you will remain stuck. Be gentle with yourself and grateful that you have the ability to feel. When you feel, you know you're alive, right? I would rather feel pain and know I’m alive than feel nothing. The one thing a narcissist can never take away from us is our ability to feel. A narcissist will never experience the range of emotions we do, which is precisely why they are so jealous, envious and covetous of those of us who can.
Share Your Story
Today we now have proof that writing is therapeutic. James Pennebaker, PhD., a psychologist and researcher, has conducted studies that show improvement in immune system functioning and emotional well-being when research participants write about difficult or traumatic events in their lives. When you share your story, you no longer feel alone or isolated. You feel connected and understood.
“I will write myself into well-being.” - Nancy Mair
As Louise DeSalvo points out in her powerful book, “Writing as a Way of Healing,“ many writers, like Virginia Woolf and Henry Miller describe their work as a form of analysis or therapy. Before treatment was available, many writers used their work in this way. Writing allows us to release pent-up feelings that otherwise may not have come to the surface by talking. I know this is certainly the case for me. I find writing to be incredibly healing. I love the way DeSalvo describes the therapeutic process of writing:
“We receive a shock or a blow or experience trauma in our lives. In exploring it, examining it, and putting it into words, we stop seeing it as a random, unexplained event. We begin to understand the order behind appearances.
Expressing it in language robs the event of its power to hurt us; it also assuages our pain. And by expressing ourselves in language, by examining these shocks, we paradoxically experience delight - pleasure, even - which comes from the discoveries we make as we write, from the order we create from seeming randomness or chaos.
Ultimately, then, writing about difficulties enables us to discover the wholeness of things, the connectedness of human experience. We understand that our greatest shocks do not separate us from humankind. Instead, through expressing ourselves, we establish our connection with others and with the world.“ 1
Sharing your story with others on our forum who understand exactly what you’re going through is extremely healing. It’s comforting to know you are not alone and that others can relate to your confusion and pain. Remember, the narcissist wants us to doubt ourselves and our sense of reality.
By talking to others on our site who recognize the tactics narcissists play, you can help prevent yourself from getting sucked back in by the narcissist.
Being connected to others who “get it“ is extremely helpful during those times when you are feeling weak and want to see or talk to her.
Your first writing assignment is to put your story into words. Please obtain a notepad or diary that you will use as your own personal “Recovery Journal.“ Throughout this book, you will use your Recovery Journal for various writing assignments in order to help you process your feelings and heal.
Write about your relationship with your narcissist.Do not worry about grammar or punctuation. Focus instead on documenting the series of events in your relationship and most importantly, the feelings you experienced. You can do this privately in your Recovery Journal, anonymously under the “Share Your Story“ section on our on-line forum or both. You will be amazed at what you learn about your relationship with your narcissist and more importantly, your relationship with yourself as a result of putting your experience into words.
TPF Member’s Stories
Below are stories I share with you from members of our on-line forum at www.ThePathForwardNow.com/ not only to show you the importance of expressing yourself through writing, but to help you realize you are not alone in your experience. As I have said, one of the most cathartic forms of therapy I have found is to know others can relate to my struggle.
I am very grateful to the members of our site who share their story anonymously with us. (Please note: all names have been changed.)You will find many offer advice and words of wisdom that come from only those who know first-hand what it is like to try to love a narcissist.
David’s Story
I keep saying to myself, "I can't believe it. How did I let this happen?"
But I have to believe it, because this happened to me.
My narcissist and I got together close to 5 years ago. The first year was amazing, and the first summer in particular was pure magic. Then she admitted to me cautiously that she had an "anxiety" problem, which had to do with my being away or out of town from time to time. She needed me close, or she would have panic attacks, crying, irrational fear, etc.
Since I'm a decent caring guy and I was in love with her at this point from the wonderful time we had together thus far, I decided to try and work with her on this and that is when the trouble started. She claimed to not be trying to control me, but that she couldn't help having this reaction if I were to go out of town to visit my brother for a few days or if work would call me away.
I am/was a welder, so work was seldom in the town where we lived. I passed up a lot of lucrative jobs so that I could be with her, and commuted to others in nearby towns when I could. If something came up, or I wanted to do something we had to have a plan for her to be without me. I had to give notice of departures - which I began to dread/fear as she would get "into a state" over the potential threat to her world.
At around a year and a half in, I moved into her condo. We would have "practice nights" where I would stay at my parents so she could work on being on her own, in hopes that it could get better.
WOW! I should have run then, but I didn't. I was in love with her. I just wanted to be with her, but she was a great big bundle of need. Gradually, I got isolated from my friends and family, because we had a busy life and "we" needed to do things.
The summer after moving in together we got a puppy, which was another stretch of good times, but after that my life revolved around walking the dog and managing her "anxiety." She is university educated and has a good government job, while I was a hit and miss, hot/cold construction worker. She started giving me a hard time about not having a "normal job" you could count on, and asked why I didn't already own a house since I was nine years older than her.
I believed she was dropping hints about getting engaged. Mentioning rings, how her friends were all getting married, telling me about how in the long term she needed to be married and didn't want to be "just living together" forever. So, with some serious consideration, I decided that the good weighed more in the balance, and I bought a ring and proposed. Didn't get the joyous response I expected, she had to think about it for a day before she said yes. I've referred to this since as the "shitty proposal." Again, I should have called it there.
The truth was that she didn't want to marry me, knew I wasn't the guy for her in the long term, but that she couldn't bring herself to say no, and convinced herself to say yes. She was trying to scare me off, but it didn't work.
By this time, I was making preparations to go back to school, and spend a few years taking engineering to open myself up to a "normal job" mostly at her nudging, but also I didn't want to be working in the trenches forever either.
All the while, she would keep telling me that I should do what I wanted, and that school should be for me not for her. When an out of town job would come up, she would get on edge, tell me to do what I wanted, but the threat of her reaction was always present.
Two years pass since the engagement, during which I am her rock, her emotional support through two deaths in the family, her father having heart surgery, as well as the day to day trauma, and other difficult events.
It wasn't all bad, for the most part there was a lot of warmth - that I felt anyway, and she is generous financially as she has the better job. We had our little puppy family, and I just loved to be there.
I had to spend over a year doing prep courses to get my academic skills up as it had been 20 years since high school. So the year I started the program in earnest, it was very difficult and demanding. The college offering the course is in the city, which is an hour drive away. I have 3-4 hours homework every night at a minimum.
She takes the summer preceding school off from work as stress leave, suffering from the family difficulties of the past few years, and likely from the lie that she has been living for some time now. She had developed OCD relating to leaving work on time and having to check things repeatedly at the office before she can leave. She starts seeing a psychologist and gets some tools to help with her issues. This seems to have a positive effect and she is diligently doing her "homework" from the therapist to get a handle on things.
So I decide that I need to rent a room near the college through the week and would come home on the weekend. We agree to do this and ease into it first a day, then a couple days, etc.
Near the end of the summer, we spent a day trip in the company of this guy she knows through work. For me, it's like tagging along on their first date, obvious attraction and connection between them. I wonder if I'm imagining things, and don't mention it for a few weeks. It comes to my attention that they are walking the dogs together while I'm not around and having tea. So I tell her how I felt on our day trip and that I'm not comfortable with them hanging out alone. Work stuff or a group thing no problem, but explain it's not good that she's engaged to me and he is single. I'm sure you can see where this is going.
So I start being out of town and she keeps hanging out with him. She tells me later that she can't stop because of her anxiety. She's alone and needs company. Of course, I suggest her mom or girlfriends, but that's not good enough apparently. I'm at school and she keeps flirting with this guy. Grrr!
Short end to the long story is that we agree to stay apart for my last three weeks of school and then we'll sort things out. One week into this she phones me up in a panic, she can't handle the "uncertainty" in the relationship and can she come down to see me the next day to "talk?" I say no, I'm busy with school and we agreed to stay apart so I can finish - final exams are one week away and I have all kinds of calculus and physics to do.
We get into it on the phone and I ask her if she is willing and capable of making some significant effort to balance the scales and improve the relationship. Her reply, "No."
Then I say, “Ok, then. We're done, it's over.”
What follows for me are two weeks of pure hell trying to keep this in check while I scrape though my classes, which luckily I pass eventually. I come back to the home town and we have a face to face where she is very cool and professional. I vent at her about what I've been put through and say as I have all along about the other guy - that it sure looks like she was aiming for an upgrade. Guy resembles me physically, but manages the engineering office around the corner from the condo, has a house, a dog and is in better shape than me. Hmm? She says strongly that this was never about replacing me. She just can't handle the anxiety - what a load of BS!
I move my things out the next day. She's not there. Considering the way I've been treated, I snoop and read her journal. The only worst fear not realized is that she didn't write about having sex with him, but learned she thought about him for a long time and wondered about the possibilities. She made a list of all his great qualities, the more she sees him - the more she wants to see him. She is "blindingly proud" of herself for finally doing what she didn't have the courage to do two years ago - say no to the engagement and break up with me. She is relieved that it's over and is excited and optimistic about her new courtship.
Wow, I've been conned. She kept me around for over two years to help with her "anxiety" and family problems. Then at the first opportunity, as soon as I'm used up and unavailable, she jumps at new better supply and manipulates the breakup of us, at the worst possible time for me - on the phone.
I see the little things much clearer now. I see also that it's not anxiety she suffers from. It's just who she really is. The things she says that don't add up, words and actions not coinciding. She will do or say whatever she has to in order to get what she needs, when she needs it, no matter what effect that may have on anyone else.
There's more and more, but this gives you the idea I think. I feel so used and abused and she doesn't understand why I would feel so strongly about this. She "saw no other way out" and in her mind - did what she had to do.
Oh man, how did I let this happen to me? I was strong and self-assured when we met, and little by little I got chipped away, manipulated and maneuvered - then thrown away quickly and callously when I was used up.
Not so bad as some stories I've seen on the boards here, but I'm a sensitive guy and feeling somewhat traumatized. It's been just over a month since we broke up. I'm getting better, but it's hard.
Now she is chasing the new guy hard, planning to lock in her new victim, while I am a 40 year old living like a 20 year old in a ratty basement room near the college and living the life of a broke student. Ya, she was supposed to back me up with the school thing. I carry her through all those years and then the minute I need something from her, she's out with a new guy.
Main thing is I'm free and even managed to get my cash back from her for the value of the ring, which of course, only happened because we were common law married (Canada) and I could sue her for half pension, condo equity, and spousal support. I just wanted the ring money back and to have no contact with her ever again. I sure miss the dog though. He was my little buddy :(
Bob’s Story
After reading the comments on this fabulous site, I can only give from the recent experience I have had with my now exN girlfriend (yes, I am a man and it happens to us guys, as well) I believe is a ‘covert’ narcissist - someone who would cover up the arrogance by being the opposite.
She appears shy, like a wall flower. Wouldn't hurt a fly, very endearing, very well liked in our circle of friends. However, we are talking a wolf in sheep’s clothing. She has a very highly specialized status job in the city and is EXTREMELY INTELLIGENT. How she works in a team, I don't know. She doesn't really work in a team, actually. It seems like she runs everything, including her boss, and I'll get to the boss later in the story.
I lived and loved her for over 2.5 years.
She was never wrong, didn't take criticism at all well. We never argued, which is not good in a relationship and I think this is more of avoidance than anything else.
No empathy, no remorse, working always to her agenda, blaming others and failure to take responsibility for her actions.
IN THE BEGINNING, we were members of the same amateur dramatic group. I liked her. She was attractive, sassy, full of life, etc. We were amongst friends at a pub after a show. She approached me, told me her current relationship wasn't right and she wanted to end it. In all honesty, she told me about her dodgy past. Now, on my reflection, how much of it was truth or being economical with the truth? Down is up and up is down. She told me she was (and still is) having therapy. Now, there's a thought.
I knew I was taking a massive risk with this person, as she didn't seem to 'know herself.'
But in life we take risks. If we don't, we will not know ourselves and remain emotionally stunted.
So I went for it and became the new lover or ‘source’ if you like? She left her partner within weeks so there wasn't much ‘overlap’ as I didn't want to be the ‘other’ man. I didn't feel good about myself while we were carrying on, etc.
She moved into a rented a house. I told her, “Have some space. You need time on your own.”
No. She wanted me now. I was the love of her life, etc. We all know where this is going. She had her house and I had mine, although, I spent all of my time at her place.
The thing is - Narcissists can't stand on their own 2 feet.
They have to have someone. She is so insecure.
They have to have a support network. We all need people in our life, family, friends, spouse, etc. but you'll find N's are people junkies. They like to have lots of people that they can tap into and when it ain’t going their way, they dump you.
I believe she chose me because, at the time, I was strong. I told her that I was divorced, had managed to sell a very big house and buy 2 smaller houses, one for me and one for my ex-wife and my 3 children. That impressed her. She knew I could help her move on to the next stage in her life and help rebuild her life (i.e. get out of the old relationship, move and buy a house, etc.).
I am very good at fixing things DIY and a good organizer, etc. I did an awful lot for her.
MY whole life changed!!!
At first, the love, or as I thought it was love, was 'euphoric.' It was just something else. So wonderful. Something I have never experienced before. I felt loved. The sex was just amazing. After a few months (it was a leap year), she asked to marry me. I was very flattered. No woman has ever asked. I always did the asking and I had only ever asked twice before (1. my ex-wife and 2. one other lover years ago and she said no). Alarm bells were ringing because she had only been out of a relationship for a short while and now wanted to marry me. It all sounds very nice, but a bit juvenile for someone that's 40.
But I was so in love.....
The first year was great. Yet something wasn't right. IT WAS ALL TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE. It felt like I was dealing with the emotions of a child, rather than an adult. Weird.
Sometimes she would be staring at me (lovingly) and end up walking into something.
Always talked of 'never leaving me.'
Said we would be together 'always and forever.’
Lots and lots of it.
Little notes left about the house, saying she couldn't get enough of me.
I know that people in love do all this stuff, but it was all so gushing. That's the only way to describe it and I was hooked.
This was the idealization stage.
On the gift giving, there were lots of gifts, spontaneous too. I gave back in return lots of love. Love letters, gifts, flowers, etc.
My kids got to know her kids and they all got on great. We had our first holiday together, along with another friend and her children, which now I think was her secondary NS. The more I write about this, the more I understand the nature of the person I was dealing with.
The NS has to be on their best behavior at first. Thing is why did she pick me? She must have had other suitors? I obviously had something that she lacked.
She did have pics of friends and family so all seemed normal. Yet no long term friends. In fact, she would criticize them.
Then almost overnight, came the depression, self-loathing and silence. She wouldn't open up or tell me what was wrong. It was like an emotional wall.
I felt like I was in the wrong. Perhaps it's me that's getting her down? What can I do to make things better? Why is she like this? Why doesn't she talk to me about what's bothering her?
One thing they are afraid of is intimacy.
I mean real intimacy.
She never really talked about real problems with me. She never asked me questions like, “How do you feel about your brother’s illness?” or “What went wrong with your other female relationships?” She never suggested we go and see some of my friends in my home town. It was always about her and her agenda. Never about me.
I felt lost. I felt I was changing, disoriented. I was losing my identity. I was so desperate to make this relationship work. I was changing myself into something I thought she wanted me to be.
She fed me, we slept together, the sex became less frequent, less passionate and I would always have to initiate it.
We never argued. Now, I think she was afraid that would lead to her revealing her true self.
My ex-wife contracted breast cancer in late 2009. I jokingly said, “Well, we may have to buy a big house and all of us live together, your kids, my kids etc.” and I know that scared her.
Intimacy and commitment. An adult would say something like, “Well, I’m not sure if I can do that or I'm not ready for this. Let’s talk about this and find a solution,” but she didn't.
Can't confront real issues. It's like dealing with a child who isn't getting the right sort of candy. What happens - a tantrum - but she can't have a tantrum because the real person will come out. Writing this all down is helping me make sense of it all. It felt like she was the flat tire and I was the pump. It was exhausting. She rarely projected. On occasions, I would get the blast of something that I had done. Oh my god, when she was angry, you knew about it. Where's the wall flower now?
So now we move on to the next stage - 'Devaluation.' She would dig at me about my age or doing something that was a 'dad thing' or undervaluing my achievements. It came from no provocation, whatsoever. No matter what I did to try and please her, it wasn't enough. I felt like I was becoming a person she wanted me to be. I was going insane. It was give, give, give and nothing coming back. So I tried to detach myself albeit, for my own well-being.
Then came the ‘Discarding.’
One night, she just dumped me. No explanation, nothing.
“We have no future,” is all I got from her.
I was devastated. There was no closure.
I had no contact with her for 8 weeks. Then we met in a pub by accident and she told me that she still loves me.
“Let's try and patch things up, she said.”
And like a mug, I tried. God did I get the runaround. Only to find out, after a few weeks at trying to 'patch things up' and make some sense of the past 2.5 years, that she's now found the love of her life and it's her boss that she's worked with for 13 years. He has left his wife. She (my exN) loves him, but he doesn't know it. Yeah, right. She is a good liar.
She has done this cycle of partners 3 times, including me as far as I know. All with overlap, basically forming the next relationship before ending the last one. Nice. Nice person. And then, strings me along in case it doesn't work out, she'll carry on with me.
Now there's no contact and there never will be. I've had a lucky escape, but at a cost. I am in my recovery mode at the moment, but each day gets better.
Conclusion - The Narcissist:
Feels entitled to do whatever they like.
Uncaring (may show that they care, but if it has no benefit to them, they don't care).
Fears abandonment.
Cannot stand on their own 2 feet.
Feels superior, above everyone else, including you.
Idealization. Always looking for the perfect lover or scenario.
You - the NS - will always be 2-3 steps behind.
Be thankful that you are acknowledged - even just for now. Nice, nice person.
Controlling.
Lacks empathy.
Feels little or no remorse.
Not in touch with themselves.
No sense of identity.
Can't take criticism well.
Never wrong.
Avoids confrontation.
Seeks absolution in the abused partner.
Economical with the truth.
Lying and will distort the truth so they look good and they believe it to be the truth. You challenge the lies at your peril.
Secretive.
Works to their own secret agenda.
They only feel fear and rage.
Fear of intimacy.
She had a particular fear of snakes...hmm perhaps she's seeing something of herself.
Will only do something that benefits themselves.
What they are looking for doesn't exist.
Therefore YOU no longer exist.
As we know, they need to look inside themselves which they will never do.
Sad really, as there is no happy ending.
On a positive note, I always look at my cup being half full, rather than half empty. I always look to gain from an experience, rather than lose.
To help get over it, write down your story and post it on blogs. You will realize, you’re not alone. Other people have similar stories. This is your story - and in fact, treasure it. Add to it, craft it. It’s you now and it’s time you nailed this demon and put it away forever.
The N has given you a gift by stripping you away - you now have a chance to rebuild yourself into a better person. Seize that chance, because believe me, you can change yourself for the better. I know I have. You will feel better in time. Believe that you can be happy again. You don't need ANYONE to validate who you are. Believe in positive karma. Believe in yourself. I know I am a good person. I am valued, loved and understood by those around me. The narcissist isn't any of these. They've denied themselves of it and it's not through choice. I think it’s wrong to belittle them. It might make us feel better in the short term but in the long term it doesn't. They are tortured infantile souls that will never grow up, because quite simply, they can't. In my case, I think her mother is a narcissist as well. Her mom is on her own and has been for years. She gets her NS through her kids and grandchildren I think. And to add to irony - my exN has said she will 'probably end up like her mum - alone.' How prophetic or should I say pathetic?
Justin’s Story
I just spent 2 years with a text book narcissist. I knew she had problems opening up to me, and that she was a master manipulator, but I kept lying to myself that "one day things will be better" and "she just needs to mature and grow out of this behavior and then we will be happy." Her mother was a narcissist. My ex-girlfriend was emotionally abused growing up. She battled an eating disorder and justifies lying to suit her own needs, etc. Just like everyone else, our relationship ended the same way....Devalue & Discard (D&D).
For the past 6 months, I have felt like a piece of cast out trash. My self-esteem has been in the tank, and I've been trying to make sense of it all. Before this woman (monster), I was the most confident person I knew. I achieved my dreams of becoming a doctor. I traveled all over the world photographing interesting places. I helped those in the third world on medical expeditions. I have a wonderful group of friends and a family who loves me dearly. Life before the narcissistic girlfriend was great, but now that I was manipulated and cast aside, I am left picking up the pieces.
Trying to move on with my life, I recently started dating again, and then the narcissistic ex recently re-contacted me. She confessed her undying love for me and apologized for everything. She begged me to take her back and said that we were soul mates. She begged me not to marry the current girl who I am dating and then asked me to send her copies of all the photos I had of us together. She said that she was making a photo book of all our wonderful times together. I fell for it and spent hours looking through old photos and chatting with her about the good times we had.
Well, a couple weeks later I did something that was wrong. I knew that her email account password was saved on my computer so I went through her emails she recently wrote to her best friend. She was telling her friend about how she just had sex with one of the people we were friends with when we were a couple. Here she is professing her undying love to me 2 weeks after hooking up with one of our friends!
Well, I was sooooo hurt and I figured out a way to call them both up and confront them about it. She lied to my face and said that she would never have slept with our friend because she loves me and wants to be back together with me, saying she knows that sleeping with this friend would ruin our chances to be back together.
When I confronted the friend he said that being around her again was so uncomfortable and that all she did every minute of the evening was compare herself to the current girl I am dating. He says that they didn't have sex, but that she tried to sleep with him. He told me when he said no, she got unbelievably angry. He said something is very disturbing about her and doesn't want to talk to her again.
I don't know who to believe and I don't really care.
My problem is that I am addicted to spying on her email. It's the only contact I have with her and it's like a drug. I think I am hoping to read an email where she actually feels bad about how she treated me or shows some kind of guilt or remorse for the things she does. Of course, in my head I know she is messed up, but in my heart I really miss her. Even though she treated me badly, I still miss her. I feel like a battered spouse who keeps returning to her abusive husband.
Frank’s Story
I'm completely screwed! I was in a relationship with my ex for over 1 1/2 years. We have been broken up for seven months now. This whole time I've been trying to reconcile and get the relationship back. I had no idea I was dating a narcissist until recently by doing tons of research and finding out what one was. I HAD NO IDEA I WAS FEEDING THE BEAST AND GIVING IT EXACTLY WHAT IT WANTED!!!
In the beginning, everything was perfect, just like everyone says. Then slowly, a dark cloud rolled in and everything went to hell! At first I thought we were just having some problems with communicating. Then it started to get worse and worse. She started to not care about any of the concerns I had in the relationship. They were all just my problems to her. She would never ever show any empathy towards anything or just a little to keep me guessing. I think this is when the mind games started. One minute, the girl I loved from the beginning, then the next, this careless monster.
I honestly had no idea what was going on, but continued on with her because I loved her very much. I was under her spell. There was also constant lying about talking to ex's from her past, which she told me they would just not stop calling her. I believe now this was a complete lie. I know now that they were part of her supply that she couldn't let go.
Eventually, at the end of the relationship she went out of town. I completely trusted her still. Later, I found out she met up with her ex. Finally, after two weeks of her return thinking everything was fine, she broke up with me! This completely screwed up my head. She started to blame the relationship ending on me. Everything was my fault for the first month. I tried relentlessly to get her back. Then I stopped calling for a week, trying to go No Contact. I wasn’t strong enough at the time she called and you bet I answered. This would be the first of many times this happened.
I honestly thought I could get her back with being the best possible guy. The guy she praised in the beginning. All the while, I was just giving her the cake so she could eat it to. She lied to me even more and more and I believed every bit of it. She would call, I would answer, listen to her talk about everything she wanted, but when I started to talk about me or the possible future of us, she didn’t have time to talk anymore. She just kept me on the phone long enough to keep me wanting more.
She would finally agree to meet up. We would have what I thought would be a good time. She would come home with me and then in the morning, she would completely change who she was from the night before. She said it was a mistake and made me feel like I tricked her into being there. Always putting me down to make me feel horrible. That's exactly what I let happen for seven long grueling months. All the while, lying to me about everything from seeing other guys, which I didn't want to believe, to telling lies about me to her friends and family without me knowing.
It seems now from what I've found out with all of this is that this was the plan all along to hook me in and make me think that I’m the only one, all the while lying and manipulating me. Then when she was done, to discard me and just keep me on the back burner as one of her supply sources. Well, this last month I've caught on. I had enough. I tried to tell her no more. I need to know what’s going on. I can’t do this anymore. Then she brings out that she misses me and wants things how they were and remembers all the good times of our relationship. She says she’s not opposed of us getting back together. We just need to work at being friends first. I believed every word of it too. She even asked me to write her parents a heartfelt apology letter for the times I might have been a jerk. I did have my moments because I was going completely insane at some times trying to figure out what was going down. It’s extremely hard to see through their lies and maintain your sanity with these types of people. So that's what I did. I wrote her parents the heartfelt apology. I gave it to her that night at her house and she said that this will be really good and will help things out.
I waited two days to contact her to see how it went over. When she answered the phone she acted like she didn't know me. The conversation was as if she never asked me to write it and that she wasn't really concerned about it. She didn't have time to talk about it and I was bothering her because she was getting ready to go out for the night. That moment is finally the first time in over almost 9 months that I felt like I had my balls back. I was so ANGRY AND PISSED OFF about being tricked again into actually believing her. I absolutely went crazy. I told myself that I was gonna find out every lie and manipulation she has said and done to me and confront her about it just so she can feel the same hurt and pain that she put me through.
That was the worst thing I could ever have done. I should have cut my losses a long time ago and said good bye at the initial break up, or at least at that moment, just walked away. I didn’t though. I proceeded to find out what was going on, which in turn hurt even more because the lies I found out she had been saying and the things she was doing destroyed me. It made it 10 times worse. It built me up with so much anger and resentment towards this person that could care less about me. I did not know what I was going to do, but I knew I had to release it.
So last Friday, I went to where she would be at and confronted her. First, I asked a question that I wanted to see if she would lie about, which she did. Then, I asked her others......more lies, all while having a smile on her face. Then, I began to tell her how I know she’s lying, how I can see right through her, and that I want nothing ever to do with her ever in my life.I told her she is a shitty person and by this time I am yelling at her, trying to make her feel horrible. Still, she has a smile on her face, which just made me even more upset. I began name calling her before I finally left.
Later that night, I went and got drinks, a habit that I picked up through all this turmoil. I started to try and get her on the phone by calling probably a hundred times and sent tons of text messages all during that night, just hoping she would feel a little bit of how I felt the past months. I wanted to get even, to finally have my closure, and I thought I gained the upper hand again by telling this person off. Wrong, dead wrong! Monday morning, I wake up to a police officer at my front door serving me injunction papers from her. After I left, she called the police and said that I harassed her and that I put my hands on her. She has text messages from me and voice mails, which were definitely angry from me confronting her from all the past lies and manipulations; and from her making me her puppet, or myself allowing her to make me her puppet. Worst idea ever! I should have known better. Now I am so scared about this court hearing and what possible things she could say to the judge to make me look horribly bad; or what lies she’s already been saying to people over the past months that I don’t know about. I never called the cops on her when she was going crazy so I have nothing to go on.
Joe’s Story
We met 10 years ago. She was, I’d have to say, the most beautiful woman who ever fell (so I thought) head over heels in love with me.
"I really don't want to be without you for one minute," she would say. The first time we spent the night together, she cried and cried.
"Why are you crying?" I asked.
"There's nothing wrong with crying," she replied.
She moved in, with her little dog, cleaned my place from top to bottom, had me working out, eating healthy, and in general, we had a lot of fun together.
There were upsetting things. She was the worst backseat driver in history. I would have to get up at 4:00 a.m. in the morning to get her juice. I'd bring the juice back, and she'd say, "No, too sweet, put some water in it."
Nevertheless, I felt so lucky that a woman this beautiful was so into me. I gave her an engagement ring. The landlord said that the dog was not allowed, and we would have to find another place. So I went looking for another apartment and found one for $200 per month more. Since I was paying the entire rent, I asked her to kick in the extra $200 per month. She said no, and it was at that point I realized I wouldn't be able to continue with this relationship, as it was too much of a drain on my finances.
She moved into another place and I left the state to take care of my aging parents. I paid half of her rent for the first six months on the condition that if I needed to come back and visit for business, I could stay there. I believe I only went back one time, and eventually it ended.
Fast forward 5 years and I get an email from her. She is pregnant and asking if there is any way she can come stay with me for a while? I balk, because I would not like to come in the way with her and whoever the baby's father is, maybe they can work it out. She never does come, but sends me a pic of the beautiful new baby. I send her a gift certificate and that's that.
A few years later, we reconnect on Facebook. I haven't actually seen her in 7 or 8 years and yet I am amazed at how good she looks, even better than before, and she is now nearing 40. She had cosmetic surgery (breast augmentation and nose job) done and her daughter was simply beautiful as well. So we exchange pleasantries back and forth. I don't really know if she's dating or what she's into.
Then I sell my house, business, etc., and move to NYC with a small nest egg. It had always been my dream to live and work there. We start getting a little more intense on Facebook, and I invite her and her little daughter to come and see me. Eventually, she agrees.
"Can I bring my nanny?" she asks. I tell her no, explaining that it would cost a lot, and I have a small Manhattan apartment.
So, she comes. Oh my gosh, what fun. We didn't even explore the city that much. We just had fun with each other and her adorable little girl. They stayed about 4 days, and when I sent them in the car service for the trip to the airport, I walked back into my prized NYC flat and experienced some of the most intense longing and loneliness of my life.
I said to myself, "Why was I so resistant to being with her 10 years prior? Why wouldn't I just be happy to be with a beautiful woman and if she wanted her juice less sweet at 4am, just get it for her?"
Turns out she was seeing another guy. Nothing serious, she says, but yes, she was.
I ask, "Why would you come out here to see me if you were already with someone else?" She says, "It's not a big hot heavy romance and besides, we were just old friends catching up." So I put on the full court press. I start sending gifts, flowers, etc. I try to get her to move to NYC, but she says no, she won't do the cold weather.
She suddenly says to me, "My baby is growing up so fast. I want another one. I want to be pregnant right now."
I respond, "You can't tell me that and still be with this other guy. I love you." She finally agrees that she will end it with the other guy and I move to her.
I say to myself, “OK, this is a big risk, but this is it, my best chance at love.”
Age and motherhood seem like they've mellowed her out and I'm more ready for it as well. So I sell everything I own, take all the cash I have with me in the bank, get out of my hard fought lease and relocate.
The small nest egg I brought with me is evaporated in 4 months and something else happens as well. She is an entertainer. She never really had that big a career and I figured that she is about done with it and ready to concentrate on family and our own business.
Now there were narcissistic traits I uncovered with her the first time. But a) I didn't understand narcissism and b) I really thought the child and getting older would ease it.
Wrong! A sudden burst in her popularity made things worse. Suddenly, all the plans we had made were out the window. She couldn't get pregnant because of her new gig.
She wanted me to come to every single one of her shows, which was ok, except she didn't leave after the show was over. She would stay around for an extra two hours and soak up all the attention from the (mostly male) fans.
When I went broke so fast, I thought, “Well, she's probably going to dump me now.”
My business is seasonal and we had to endure about 3 months of very little funds before a significant cash flow would come in. But to her credit, she went out and got a late night job as a cocktail waitress, which was very hard and kind of demeaning work. We had to send the full-time nanny, which I paid for home and I became the nanny. Of course, nothing was ever done the right way.
She would say, "Why do you make such a mess. Why don't you clean up as you go?"
I said, "Well, when you're in a rush and you’re getting ready, you leave a mess too."
She replied, "Yes, but I have someone to clean up for me."
It was such a rough 3 months. One time, I messed up (i.e. didn't tell her where I was for 2 hours) and she yelled at me non-stop for 5 or 6 hours. Over and over. I got extremely defensive and lied to her and she could sense I was lying. Finally, I went back into her room, and said, "Look, I'm not going to live with someone I feel I have to lie or hide stuff too. Yes, I made a mistake and this is what I did."
That didn't help. She continued to escalate and it got worse and worse. I said, "Forget it. If this is the way it's going to be, I'm going to leave."
She started to cry a bit with what I still believe was true emotion because she was holding the tears back. I realize she had serious abandonment issues and I felt so bad. I made up my mind then and there that no matter what she put me through, I would hang tough, especially for the sake of her daughter, who I was very attached to.
But by that point, she had had enough. There were so many guys after her - rich ones, powerful ones, and famous ones that she started looking heavily behind my back. One particular guy, a real "nice guy" type who inherited a large family business and who was flirting with her since right after I moved there, caught her interest and all of a sudden, her FB got locked away and the phone never left her side.
Business started picking up so I was working a lot. When the money stated coming in, I set down boundaries. She wanted access to the bank account and I said no. I stopped staying out at her shows because I had to get up early to work. And sure enough, eventually, she didn't come back. Two nights she spent out with this guy, twice in two weeks. The second time, I texted and said, "I was planning on going away this weekend, but I can leave right now if you want?"
No response. So I packed up my stuff (all clothes she bought me after she threw out all of my clothes), which fit nicely in my car and left.
It's funny because I can remember praying to be out of the relationship. When I left, not knowing where I was going, actually, I felt so free. But then it hit me, and I felt crushed.
She blamed me for leaving. She said, "You were always threatening to leave, and you did. We're done. It's over."
I drove by her house the next morning, saying to myself, "She wouldn't. There's no way she would." And sure enough, there was his car.
So she was simultaneously sleeping with my replacement, while blaming me for leaving, even though her staying out all night with the guy was the reason I left!
I begged. I pleaded to get back with her. She was cold and heartless. When she did come and see me at a gig (I was so surprised to see her) she bullied me, told me to shut up, told me there was no chance we would ever get back together, told me to go see a therapist, that it was done, finished.
I asked, "What about your child? Can't I see her?"
“No," she said.
It was then that I realized if it ever came down to a contest between her happiness and her child's, hands down her happiness would win and she would rationalize it by saying, "Well, if I'm not happy, she won't be happy either."
Andre’s Story
I wasn’t married to her. I don’t have kids with her. None of that. I should actually consider myself lucky compared to a lot of people here, who were physically abused by their partners, financially stripped down or what have you. I had none of that. All I have left are memories of amazing moments, combined with those where I felt someone was sucking the life out of me. A lot of people tell me “Andre, you dodged a massive bullet the day you left her.” So why do I feel compelled to share my story?
Well, because every, and I mean, every sign of narcissism was right there before my eyes and I simply didn’t know what it was. I couldn’t piece things together because I was in love and extremely confused. This was until I found these blogs about narcissism. The interesting part, I think, of this story, is that you get to see the gradual unveiling of the narcissist and how it went from “Perfection” to “Hell.” From little lies to big lies. Some of them, extremely ridiculous.
So here we go:
I am a 29-year-old guy, living in NYC, and from Portuguese background. I am doing pretty well in my career. I have what some people say an interesting life. I live between NY and LA and get to meet very interesting people for work. I can’t say my life is boring and I have had my fair share of women. I thought I had “met every possible kind.” Well, that was until I met my very first narcissist, during a holiday in Lisbon back in August of 2012.
I saw her and instantly connected with her. She was gorgeous, funny, and quirky. Thin, long hair, green eyes and a killing smile. She had undergone breast plastic surgery a couple of months before I met her. Well, long story short, she was perfect. I have met gorgeous women, but there was something about her, something hypnotizing. I immediately fell in love with her within a matter of days. The connection was immediate. The level to which we established immediate “intimacy” was beyond surreal and so was the sexual chemistry.
We could spend hours and hours in each other’s company and talk. She would make me laugh like no one else. She was feminine and had an amazing sense of style. Everything was there to be perfect. She told me of all the men she had been with, I was by far the one she truly felt a genuine connection with.
Being with her was the best possible feeling ever. So we decided to try long distance, given that we would see each other every month for about a week. We thought, “Let’s start from here then we will see how it goes.” I was working remotely from Lisbon for 2 months so we ended up spending a lot of time together at the beginning and thought the long distance was worth the shot. But then some things started to throw me off, that's where the “fun” part starts getting... well.....not so fun.
First, she would never ever pay for anything. She wouldn’t even pay for a cup of coffee! Literally, nothing. Whenever I wouldn’t pay for her, she would get immediately passive aggressive. During New Year’s Eve, we were having dinner with friends and I paid for her dinner. She didn’t say a word. That’s when I voiced it and said, ”You could at least say thank you for dinner.” She responded by flying into a massive rage.
For the first time in my life, I saw real animosity in someone’s eyes. And believe me, I am in no case an “innocent guy” or the all-around “Nice Jo.” I have values and character, but that threw me off. That was a first red flag. During dinner, she wasn’t paying a lot of attention to me and was obsessing over taking pictures (a lot of pictures) with her other girlfriends.
As we leave dinner, we are waiting on a cab to come pick us up and I ask her, “Do you have money to pay the ride?” and she tells me, “Yes, I do.” I tell her, “Make sure you have since there is an ATM right behind you.” She didn’t check her wallet.
We take the cab, go to the party and as he drops us off I look at her, expecting her to AT LEAST pay a cab ride. She tells me, “No I don’t have money and I wasn’t about to walk on the pavement with high heels, which is why I didn’t go to the ATM.”
The next day, we go visit an old castle outside Lisbon. As we reach the entrance, I tell her, “You are paying for this one.” She didn’t say a word, but again, I could feel something mean in her eyes. She wasn’t talking to me. Anything I would say would be shut down immediately.
One time she was visiting me here in NY. Again, not one single dinner was paid. When I was not next to her she would go mad. I had to work and couldn’t take days off to be with her (before she came, I told her it would be difficult for me to take days off).
When I wasn’t with her, she would hate text me for not being with her (again...I was working). I always remember this time when I ordered some food (it gets funny), a Chinese chicken with vegetable. She grabbed the food, while I was still in the kitchen prepping some stuff, and she ends up eating all the chicken and left me with only the vegetable.
She was also constantly asking me to take pictures of her, everywhere, at any time. She would “pose’, pretend she was looking at the sky, and display a “fake smile” to look good. We would go out for dinner and instead of having a conversation, she would be on her phone, checking all the pictures I had taken of her during that day. She would try all different sorts of Instagram filters to see which one would make her look best. That’s when I realized this was not going to last. I barely saw her and when we were together, she was more interested in her pictures than in us!
But I still loved her, and right before she left NY, she took me to Central Park and told me, “I would like to tell you something I never told anyone before. I love you. From all my heart, I love you.”
She is the woman I spent the most amazing moments with. Without a doubt. God knows all the love I had for her.
But after that trip, I decided that we were through and that’s where I made a huge mistake. I still kept in touch with her, but I let her know that I wasn’t feeling comfortable pursuing the relationship. I was making a career change and was too focused on that. I continued to text her. When I told her we were done, she said I had abandoned her and that she was willing to go to the end of the world for me. She told me she would live in a slum if need be, as long as she could be with me. All she wanted was to be with me, take care of me and be next to me. No one had ever told me that before... and well... I believed it.
A month goes by. I had a trip planned to Miami for a week with two friends. Turns out she was also on holiday during that week, but I didn’t invite her to come. In my mind, again, I knew it was over and I needed to move on, despite all the love I had for her.
She continued to tell me that she loved me and she missed me. Two weeks before the trip, she texts me, “Hey, I thought I would let you know that I am getting married.” And that’s when my world collapsed.
I was still feeling so much for her. She was telling me two weeks before that she loved me and now she is getting married?? I asked her why she would tell me she loved me if she had someone else. Her answer was, “You didn’t want me. I was willing to go anywhere for you, I was ready to move to NY, but you didn’t want me.” So then I thought, “Andre, you are making a huge mistake by not giving this a chance. This woman is ready to build something with you, and you are being focused on your career, and probably missing out on something.”
What an idiot I was to think that.
So I text her back, “Come join me in Miami and we will see if this is worth trying.” She tells me that she will break the engagement because I am THE only man she loves and will always love.
I go online, get her ticket (what a moron), and we all meet in Miami the following week.
That’s when Sh** hit the fan again.
The second night, I had a chat with her and said, “So if you say that you are willing to move to NYC, I am willing to give this a chance and build something solid with you.”
I told her if she was to come, she would need to find a job and that I wouldn’t live with her right away. Rome wasn’t built in day and things take time. She said she agreed and that she would move because that is what she wanted - to be with me forever.
Well... words, words, words.
She was COMPLETELY obsessed with herself during that holiday, constantly taking pictures of herself (over 700 pictures of her ONLY in about a week). She would never ask to take a picture with both of us. When I would not pay attention to her, she would go bezerk again and at the same time she said she would be willing to follow me to the end of the world. I remember one night, we came back from a club, she put on a swimsuit at 2.30 a.m. and asked me to go take pictures of her in the pool. Yes, that happened as well.
We barely had sex during that trip. She was always finding an excuse - she was too drunk or she was not feeling well or what have you. She told me, “I was engaged with someone up until a week ago. I can’t just switch like that. You need to give me time.”
Turns out that engagement was all lies. One night she forgot to close her email, and while she was under the shower, I went in her mailbox. There was absolutely nothing related to a wedding or engagement. No emails at all about it and she keeps all her emails. Her fiance's name supposedly was Filip and there was not one single email from a Filip. She was a disaster. I would take her out for dinner and not one single thank you. One night, one of my friends treated us to dinner. When I asked her if she thanked my friend, she raged like never before, saying I had received a poor education and that I was an idiot for lecturing her on how to behave.
Anyways, after that trip in Miami, I told her, “We are done for good now. This is pointless and we have different values.” She kept telling me I was the man of her life bla bla bla. This goes on for about two weeks after that trip.
I remember her texting me on a Friday, “I am sorry it didn’t work out in Miami, but it is because we were with your friends. We had no intimacy. I love you.”
This was all lies. We spent enough time, she and I, but every time, she was more interested in taking pictures of herself or checking her Facebook, than to speak with me.
So this was on a Friday. Then two days after, on Sunday, she texts me to say, “Hey I just thought I would let you know, I have committed to a new relationship. :) I still love you very much.”
I just answered by telling her goodbye and that was it.
I no longer had her on my Facebook, but I was too tempted to see and I realized that she had changed her Facebook profile picture to be with this new guy with a big heart as a caption. I only had her on my Whatsapp and “by some miracle” she also changed her Whatsapp picture to be with this dude she just met, as if she wanted to rub it on my face. I blocked her from Facebook and I noticed she removed that picture. When I unblocked her, she put it back. I had to test.
One night, I was drunk and went to check her Instagram (Rookie mistake) and saw she was still posting pictures of her in New York and Miami, during OUR holidays, and she has a new boyfriend. She posts pictures of things she and I used to do, but now she is doing them with him. She is obviously trying to get my attention. She would never post anything before and suddenly she wants to come across as the happiest girlfriend in the world.
She still tries to get my attention here and there by commenting on posts on Facebook with the only friend we have in common. I wonder why since she has a new narcissistic supply source. She is manipulative, but I won’t write back or even react. Yes, I miss the good times, but I have to accept the fact that this was all a “mirage.” Live and learn.I feel empowered to dodge the next bullet, should a narcissist try to shoot me down.
Jim’s Story
I met my NPD girlfriend on a dating site and we were together for 9 months total. The romance moved very quickly in the first few months. She made me believe I was the best boyfriend she'd ever had. She was constantly saying, "I love that about you" and promising me the world. Her dad was rich and I had business debts. She promised we would start a new business together that would take care of my debts (her idea). She plugged right into who I was.
Then 3 months in, things started to slide. At first, we would fight every second weekend. Then, every weekend. Always about how I wasn't "responsible" enough, even though I was working day and night on my job and business. She called every day and interrogated me about how and why I was doing things. Then we went camping and she got drunk and threatened to throw herself from the moving car while screaming what a loser I was.
At that point, I said we couldn't go on until we went to counselling. She agreed. We went to one session and everything went ok for a few weeks. Then the insults started again and worse. No-win situations. Gaslighting. Bike rides with exes, etc. Every promise was broken. Finally she exploded at me while drunk at a party. I left devastated and we broke up the next morning.
A week later, I started missing her and decided there were things I could have done better to make her happy. I called her and admitted my faults and we agreed to get back together. She said she thought I was a lost cause and was glad to hear I'd matured and came around to her way of seeing things.
HUGE MISTAKE. For the next month she treated me like I was on probation and not really her boyfriend. During the last week she was basically screaming at me non-stop (when she did talk to me). Things like, "All you do is d*ck around getting your haircut and going to the dentist" (which I'll admit I did do that day). I kept saying sorry and trying to make it work until she finally had a meltdown and stormed off. She called me later that night drunk and slurred, "I'm sorry you couldn't grow up" and hung up. At that point I accepted it was over. Nine days later she texted to apologize, except her apology basically said, "I'm sorry for not acting with grace, but I was stressed out trying to make things work with you. I loved you with all my heart and always will. You're a wonderful guy just the way you are. I'm sure you'll find someone who's on board with the way you want to live your life."
I responded that there was, "No excuse for her behavior and that I had loved her as best I could. No one is perfect. No hard feelings."
She said, "I was just trying to apologize. Fine, I'll never contact you again."
It's been 2 1/2 weeks since the texting and a full month now since she stormed off. I've been in therapy every week and am feeling better slowly.
Victor’s Story
I established No Contact, blocked phone and email, contacted police with a trespass notice ready to go and went a whole week without hearing anything after having been harassed. Then I got a letter, a confession of her wrongs but somehow managing to put the blame on me. I ignored it, put it in the cupboard with all the poems, photographs, gifts etc. she gave me during the first stage of sweetness and light.
A week later again, I got another letter in the post. This time, a card with a child's drawing of a butterfly on the front, endearing, using all the sweet names she used to call me, drawn sad faces - all of it targeted at my emotions, I suspect. I figured she was trying to reel me back in again. She said she wanted closure. (After shouting over the top of me every time I opened my mouth to speak, reason, reconcile. After hanging up on me on the phone before I could get a word in).
I took a shower and had a think about it. The timing was spooky, uncanny - I'd just reached the stage of raw disappointment, after feeling really angry for the way she treated and used me, and then after a phase of feeling sorry for the child she must have been once and what that child must have gone through. I was emotionally abused as a child myself, but had reached a stage of trying to heal and move-on, or so I thought.
It wasn't that I wanted to see her again (or was it, really?). I decided the only way 'we' could progress was if she was willing to admit to her pattern of sadistic abuse and manipulation (which she carried out in a 'covert' way, under her mask). I knew in my mind that, being a narc, she'd NEVER be able to do that. I rang her up and she said she'd been really bad getting over us. I told her I doubted that. I arranged to meet her in the park - a public place. Having acquired insight into our relationship and knowledge about narcissism, I felt strong enough to deal with her. I even took a Dictaphone in my pocket and recorded our conversation in order to defend my sanity against any future attempts at gas-lighting!
Anyway, we met. I told her about the abusive pattern, etc. She just listened, mostly. When she tried to defend herself I just kept on track, didn't let her divert, and didn’t let her deny what really happened.
Now I was feeling powerful. I felt like I was finally overcoming her, standing up for myself. Proud I was keeping my cool and keeping reason and sense on track. When she asked for more examples of this abuse I was speaking of, I mentioned one of the times she used sex to coerce and degrade me. She told me I had my version of events and at that point she broke away, wouldn't listen anymore, and wished me well. I wished her well too and just walked away, left her standing there. Take that, Narc!!
Then I got home. I was thinking about her all over again, of course. Then a few hours later the phone went. She was in tears. She said she was going to start counselling and that having come out of an abusive relationship (referring to her ex-husband) she may have gone too far in the opposite direction herself (meaning from victim to abuser). I began to think my words might have actually done some good. She thanked me for pointing her behavior out to her. However, she said finally, as for me and her, there was no way she could carry on with someone who viewed her in that way - as an abuser. It was just too painful, she said. When I began to reply she hung up on me again!!!!
Now I see that 'closure' was the hook. It wasn't her who wanted closure (she was just annoyed I'd gotten away and wanted to reel me back in again). She was appealing to what she must have figured out was going on inside me. She lured me out of No Contact with the bait of attaining 'closure' and then snatched it away right at the end, leaving things in such a way that it looked as though SHE'D ended it with me (stealing my power of having walked away from HER) and making it seem like she's going to reform, but that I'm the one who's going to miss out.
She SUCCEEDED in making me FEEL (not think - I know in my mind it's all an act) like I might have just let the best thing that ever happened to me slip through my fingers, even though the reality is that this woman is one of the worst things that's ever happened to me (besides the opportunity for personal growth here). I mean, she's really wrecked my heart. So, it might be old news, but there you are.
These kinds of people are deeply deceitful and manipulative. Keep your guard up and don't fall prey to the power of SELF deceit either when it comes time for a hoovering!
Brett’s Story
I met a 39yr old single women (or girl as I now believe she is), whilst on tour. We fell quickly. She states she fell before any real contact/conversation other than our eye contact/flirting took place. We had a passionate, physical relationship whilst on a tour together. It felt just amazing, that initial connection.
After 3 weeks, due to prior commitments she returned home, whilst I stayed on tour for a further 3 weeks. She fell pregnant very quickly. Was I ensnared at this point? I don't know. At the end of the tour, I went to her country and stayed with her for a week as that was all the time prior commitments for me allowed. It was all such fun, escapism, fantasy, physically the connection was wonderful. Her girlfriends said,” We are so happy for her. At last she has met someone. She is a straight down the line girl. Don't mess with her.”
Although we speak different languages, everything in my mind seemed fine and the connection seemed very good. We were in love and love was proclaimed on both sides. If apart, we texted and Skyped constantly.
She decided she would abort....her decision.
On my second visit, she said noticed a slight change in me. Perhaps, I had brought some stress with me this time (not sure what she saw). She cried like a child due to seeing a small change in me apparently. Her friend said, “She over thinks.”
Personally, I was so happy and thought there was no need for angst. Within the next week together, after consoling/reassuring her immediately, everything again seemed just beautiful....lots of fun and adoration from both sides. I am very easy-going and saw nothing wrong at all, just perhaps some over-analysis on her part. There seemed no reason to worry. She cried again (perhaps due to hormones from within the pregnancy, I thought), as her language lessons had not gone so well. Again, I was there, we talked it through it. She seemed fine, although a little irrational I thought. We were very close. We talked of the future, of me moving in, either in her small flat or maybe renting together. She would not move to my country as this would affect her career and close girlfriend support group. She has therapy every week as part of a support group. She has mother issues as she was controlled as a child.
“Without money there is no love” and “I can live without man, but not without sex.” - 2 quotes she gave that I clearly remember. She had not had a stable relationship for 5 years.
She spoke in a child's voice every morning whilst in bed. She liked/loved intercourse, but had trust issues with other areas of our physical relationship.
I went to her country 4 times (4 weeks in total), on holiday for 10 days and she only came to me for a weekend. Was I doing the running? Well, I was going to live in her country, learn the language, so a lot of that meant sense to me.
At the airport, she said, “You didn't text much yesterday.”
My response was, “We are now away together for 10 days. There is/was no problem.”
Eventually, she said, “That was falling in love. We need to find real love.”
Push and pull started on her part. She seemed to believe I relied upon her so she woke up occasionally with 'demons' (she also takes sleeping pills and grinds her teeth at night).
“Did the demons involve me?” I would ask.
“No,” she would reply. “They are not your concern, though do not be flippant about them. I lose some of you if you are.”
I was never angry or flippant...just CONFUSED.
After the holiday, we seemed to have a deeper relationship/closeness. She asked if I would like to move close to her (not in with her), then in her mind her demons may go away over time. This was not what I wanted to hear. I asked if she loved me. “What is love?” was her reply. She explained that for her love was 'TRUST.’
I gave her no reason to mistrust me. I adored her. I was not clingy. In fact, SHE WAS...right up until the day it finished!
Prior to my fourth visit, I began to feel a little insecure. No more girly texts about love and yearnings for a couple of weeks. Ok I thought, let's see how it goes. I arrive. Passion is still there. Fun still there. I meet her parents too...MOM...full of angst. Bang right there, not for me, just full of it.
The demons came back. Ok, let's delve deeper, I thought so I gave her therapy!!
“You have low self-esteem due to past relationships and you lack confidence or perhaps suffer a lot from anxiety,” I explained. She cried, took a deep breath and proclaimed, "I love you. You are a great therapist!" She also was reading a novel “The Red Couch,” at the time about THERAPY.
I looked online about commitment phobia. She went to therapy that evening, apologized on her return for the push and pull/testing stuff on holiday and for 48 hours seemed besotted with me again. I felt odd. Wow, what a turn around, I thought. Yes, she always seemed to adore me physically, but this was like the 'full' return to her former self with me.
She was so excited. She didn't want to sleep.
She woke up with demons again the day before I had to leave. In that week, she had also stated she would like me to live with her for 3 months next year as a kind of trial, I guess.
On the last day, she wore my shirt for her day’s teaching. She gave me a key to her flat. I told her she was the prettiest teacher in her city. "I hope so," she replied.
Five days later it was over. I finally got a straight answer about her demons because she was to write them down at last. Turns out, she really did not want to tell me because some were about me after all. What a surprise, I thought!! Fear of rejection. Fear of too much love (from me). She was flustered. She was in control of her emotions and the relationship for the last few weeks. This was clear to me. I, for the first time in months, showed my frustration.
"How can I TRUST you, if you cannot fully explain your demons to me?" I asked. "You told me you loved me a few days ago.”
“No, I didn't," she denied. “I also never asked you to move in.”
I ended the relationship. It was painful, so painful. I neglected to ask so many questions for fear of further hurt.
"How can I tell you I don't know if I love you?" she said. She turned the whole thing around to reject me!!Sad, but true.
Like a little girl, so afraid "FEAR CONQUERED LOVE," she said. She once said, “Maybe you can turn the girl in me to a woman?” She is 39.
Anyway, where did that come from? It was a wet ending to it all.
Every day, SHE CAME TO ME. She showed me so much affection. SHE, in fact was needy/clingy. Always the last to leave a Skype conversation.
In an email a week later, "It’s' not your fault. I really, really like you. Distance, language, pressure. Your heart was everywhere and nowhere.”
Really? I adored everything about her. If I showed too much love she didn't like it. If I wasn't there, she missed me!
Two weeks later out of the blue, she texts and says, “I think of you often and miss many things about you. What are you up to?"Oh yeah, even told me I was her most 'potent lover' weeks prior.
The ending was so confusing for me. I obsess daily. Though it is getting easier, I often check websites for analysis purposes (self- too) and wonder what it/she was all about. I refuse to respond, hard though as it is.
Gary’s Story
I left a marriage of 17 years because I got sucked in by a narcissist. Over the top fun, pretty, etc. Ironically, she always told me, she never wanted to date a married man.
Truthfully, the beginning was the best time in the whole relationship. Once my separation agreement came through, things started to change. She went from idolizing me to finding faults in almost everything I did. I almost changed every aspect of my life to accommodate her and nothing was ever enough. I was devalued and discarded, but would still take her back in a minute. I miss her terribly. It's very sad.
Laura’s Story
I am 49 years old and life with my mother has been a horror story. I was the only girl and second youngest, raised in a family of seven brothers and they can do no wrong. I have always been my mother's target and last Christmas after a harrowing phone call to her just to say "Merry Christmas" I decided that enough was enough.
I have a great relationship with all my brothers and they all acknowledge that she is crazy and a pain in the arse but they really don't "get it" from my point of view. They scoff at the idea that she is jealous of me. She is so obsessively jealous of me that I am surprised that her skin is not the same color as Shrek's!
When I was seven, my family moved from Iceland to Australia and our home life was complete chaos. Both my parents were alcoholics and pill poppers, but my father was by then a broken man. He was so gentle and kind and I believe that my mother basically destroyed him. He always wanted a girl and he adored me. When I was thirteen, he committed suicide and from that day forth, my mother really declared war on me. She was so violent and scary when she drank and if my older brothers were not home, I either hid under a bed or fled the house with my little brother. She quit drinking when she was 60 but it certainly didn't improve her personality and the pill popping never stopped.
She either ignored me or constantly criticized and insulted me. She never, ever paid me a compliment or even smiled at me. She is manipulative, cunning and extremely cruel. She has not a shred of empathy in her soul and no insight into the way her behavior impacts on others. She is the center of the universe and it is ALWAYS about her and everything was someone else's fault - usually mine. She never, ever takes responsibility for her bizarre behavior and when confronted with truth and logic, just explodes like a two year old. She only ever apologizes if there is something in it for her and every apology was meaningless because it always included the word "but."
Many times in my adult life, she has had me curled up on the floor, sobbing until I thought my heart would break. She could do that with just a few choice words and was completely unmoved by my distress. I am a strong woman but she always had the power to do that to me. As the years went by, I just tried harder. I always thought it was me and if only I did more, gave more, that she would love me or at least like me. Well into my 40's, I clung to the futile hope that she would "see" me for the child I was and the woman I became. I feel ridiculous now when I think of the lengths I went to in order to "win her." All she ever did was use me.
By the time I was eighteen, I was an alcoholic. I felt so empty and so deeply sad and never knew why. It was like I had a huge hole inside me and I tried desperately to fill it with alcohol. In between terrible relationships and pathetic jobs, I would stay with her and the funny thing was, she was quite nice to me. I know why now. She LIKED seeing me miserable. She fed on my failures and pain. Her eyes would sparkle with excitement and malice when I told her my latest drama. I thought we were "bonding." I was her perfect narcissistic supply and number one slave.
Fifteen years ago, I took myself to rehab and have never touched a single drop of alcohol since. I went to college by day and worked twelve hour shifts at night and got myself a career with Child Protection. I met and married the most insanely wonderful man. Handsome, financially secure, well bred, extremely intelligent, well-educated, strong, gentle and compassionate. He has a fantastic sense of humor. Suddenly I had a beautiful home, drove a new car, wore stunning clothes and jewelry to die for. The happier I became, the more her hatred grew. She simply could not bear to see me happy. She almost did my poor husband's head in with her vile comments about me. She tried everything to make him leave me, but it backfired on her because he stopped speaking to her a long time ago.
I was so damaged. My husband married a very angry woman, but he saw the core of me and never gave up on me. He knew where the damage came from and he has been my rock. He cherishes me like I have never been cherished in my life. I wake up every day and think to myself, "Wow!! He chose ME!!” He still can't wrap his head around the way my mother has treated me. He was adopted and his mother loved him with every fiber of her soul. I was only with him for about two months when he said, "Oh my God! Your mother is so jealous of you!!" I was horrified and denied it vehemently!! I could not fathom that a mother could be jealous of her own daughter.
Two years ago, we moved to the other side of the country to be near my ailing father-in-law. He has nobody but his son. My mother was LIVID. Not because she would miss ME but because she would miss what I DO for her. She refused to even say goodbye to me the day I flew out. I flew backwards and forwards many times to stay with her and be her personal servant, which she loved. It was horrendously stressful for me and I always came back shattered. During every visit, she never once asked me about my life over here. She has never shown any interest in my life unless it was painful for me. She saw me radiant with happiness and I saw such naked hatred in her eyes.
Last December at 83, she went into a nursing home so my usefulness was over and she became completely hostile every time I called her. Christmas was the final straw for me. Being 3000 miles away from her is such a blessing!!! She is so toxic and did so much damage to me. I could go on and on, but will leave it for now and go have dinner with my beautiful man. I have a million stories up my sleeve to share!
Andy’s Story
Hello. I am new to this site, but I’m happy I joined because it gave some clarity to some things I’m going through with my girlfriend. When we first met, it was like fireworks. I felt like we were soul mates. She just seemed to love me off the bat and very much wanted me to be in love with her. She seemed like a really great person. When we met, I was in a tight space. I had lost everything - my place and my job. Everything seemed bad at that point, but she didn’t seem to care. She still wanted to be with me.
There were times in the course of dating her that she would say off the wall stuff like if she felt someone did something wrong to her, she would set out to get them back in the worst way. Or she would drop off the face of the earth after spending time to get to know a person. She felt those things were funny. I don’t know why I didn’t see warning signs then. I guess I was just so in love with her.
Anyway, fast forwarding, she asked me to move in with her and she would help me get my life together. I was reluctant at first because I didn’t want to ruin our relationship, but I took the help anyway. No sooner than I moved in the house, it just seemed to take the turn for the worse. It felt like we were distant strangers. She wasn’t affectionate. She was moody. There were times she would say things like I want my life back, or she would devalue me and treat me like I should put up with her mess since she was paying my way of life. Then in the next breath, she loved me to death and was totally needy.
Her needs came before mine. It was like I had to step on egg shells because I didn’t know what would make her crack. Sometimes in the morning, I wouldn’t even speak first because I didn’t know what mood she was in. Once she would speak, then I would know how to perceive her.
One time I woke up and was excited about a job that I found and I was telling her about it. She cursed me out in an up close and personal outburst. It hurt my feelings and I got quiet. I kid you not, like ten minutes later she was cool and joking with me, like nothing happened. I was speechless as a lot of these things kept happening to the point I was feeling like I was the crazy person. Then there were moments where she just wanted to spend all the time together, and it was no breaks until she said so.
She has done so much, I literally can write a book, but lately she been doing these disappearing acts. Months ago, she basically cut me off and I didn’t hear from her for like almost a month in a half. During that time, I was completely heartbroken. I felt abandoned and lost. Mind you now, I have abandonment issues and she was well aware of that, so I blocked her on FB and I didn’t call her. I was so love sick to the point I didn’t want to live any more. I just didn’t understand why she would do that. I was so lost I started calling psychics. I wanted answers that badly. It led to me forming a psychic addiction, which is a hard habit to break.
The break-ups were constant. She would break-up with me and a week later she wanted to be back together. But when she fell off the face of the earth for that month in a half, it really bothered me. She started to try to get in contact with me, but I ignored her because I was so hurt. But after awhile, I decided to talk to her. When she called, she acted as if nothing happened and had the nerve to ask me how long I am going to stay mad at her. I was pissed. I was filled with so much emotion I could scream. I went off on her. Later, I learned that turned her-on because it meant I still loved her!
She asked to be friends and I told her IDK. Then she tried to turn it around by saying, ”You don’t have to be my friend. That’s ok. I shouldn’t have asked.” Knowing how I am, she knew I had a weakness for her so she knew after awhile I would give in. Some days had passed and I didn’t give in to her wishes so then I get a heap of angry text mgs from her stating I’m broke and calling me a prostitute and everything else. The crazy part at the end of saying all these things, she begged for me to talk to her. I gave in and called her and she was so calm and content.
We got back together. When I took her back everything seemed fine. She would have her occasional outburst, but nothing too extreme. I was so afraid of a repeat of her leaving that I found myself drawing closer to her to the point I abandoned everything in my life.Once I was too dependent, she started claiming I was smothering her and I was controlling. I wasn’t any of those things.
It always felt like I was always in the wrong. Sometimes I feel frantic like I did something bad or I did too little or I left her alone too long. I would cancel things with my friends for her. She never put her hands on me, but I still just walked around with that fear of like she did. One time my friend asked me if she was beating me because of how frightened I seemed. Just as soon as she was mean, she would turn around and be nice, better then nice. When that happened, I felt like I was insane because I would get so lost in the good so when the bad happened, I felt like I had been slapped double time.
My worst fears happened again and she did another disappearing act. Mind you now, when she disappeared the last time she was gone for a month and a half and when she returned she boasted about all the things she did (i.e. dates with other women and all kinds of stuff). I finally felt we were better and I fell deeper for her. She made it seem like she was ready to have a family with me and my son.
So here is what happened. She was living with me and for a little bit, things were fine. It finally seemed like we were ok. She just got separated from her husband of 10 years so I know there are some emotions with that. So now she was staying with me. Now her husband had to go to visit his family in another state and she didn’t seem to like the idea, even though she didn’t want to deal with him at all. I guess it brought back feelings of abandonment so with him leaving she had to move back to her house because her son was there. She moved some of her things out of my house and back to hers and she left a lot of her stuff at my house because she was coming back when her husband returned back to their house. A couple of days passed and she seemed to be getting stranger by the day, but I still spent the night at her house because we were used to sleeping in the same bed together.
My friend came down to stay at my house because her car broke down. We worked at the same place and she needed rides to work. I told my girlfriend about the situation and she acted like everything was fine, and then later on that week she really started to be cold to me. She wouldn’t answer my calls, sent short text mgs, and then one day she called me and asked if she could come to my house to get some of her things. I said sure and then I felt a racy feeling like there was something more to the story. Later on that day, when I got home I saw that she took all of her stuff even down to the food she bought when she was living with me. What was the most shocking was she took the bill money that she gave me for bills, which hurt me like a ton of bricks.
I didn’t hear from her for close to week and a half. I couldn’t even get up the energy to say anything. The strange part is she still was holding on to my key and it scared me a little bit. I didn’t know if she was gonna come to my house when I wasn’t there. I had no clue. Soon she contacted me and told me she wanted to give my key back. I told her ok, but that I couldn’t get it at the minute, but she could drop off the next day. She went crazy saying there is no reason to see me and that she would drop it off at the apt manger. I said fine.
The next day, she text me again and asked if I could bring her the external hard drive she left behind. I took it to her house where she gave me back the key without saying a word. My heart sank. I felt like I was nothing anymore. I don’t know why I get so emotional when she breaks up with me since she does it all the time. No sooner as I pulled out of the drive way, she calls me to say thank you. I was just like ok and then she calls me again. By this time, I’m enraged.
I answered the phone and I’m like, “What do you want?”
She says, “Do you wanna get something to eat?”
I said fine and circled back to her house to get her. She turns to me and starts acting all jokingly. I just ignored her. She then proceeded to tell me that she was mad because my friend was there and I didn’t pay her any attention. I didn’t ask her if my friend could stay in my apt so she pegged me as not being loyal. She tried to convince me to kick my friend out and since I didn’t, she turned cold again.
Honestly, I felt deep down the end was drawing near. I had a sick feeling like she broke away to engage with another female. Her actions at that time seemed strange and we had stopped being sexual. “Let’s take it back a few,” she told me. Claimed she didn’t have a sex drive, but I found out later it was to control me, and my dumb butt just stayed committed. She started hanging with new people that encouraged her to do bad things. She started to flaunt women in front of me, but she claimed she never cheated on me. They were just friends and they meant nothing. It’s just harmful flirting, she would say.
The sex thing really blows me away because one minute she wants it all the time and the next minute, she feels like I disgust her. She accused me of making her my sex slave and said it’s all I wanted. It got to the point that I became numb to even asking for anything in that way. Everything was on her terms. Well, she broke up with me again and this time I want to be strong and not allow her to come back. I’m happy I found this site.
Mike’s Story
I was just abruptly discarded after a 1.5 year relationship with my live-in girlfriend who I thought was "the one." I'm just over 1 month out and am still in a lot of pain. Recovery has been an excruciatingly slow process. My ex has both narcissism and borderline traits. When I first met her, I tried to take things slow because she was 2 months out from breaking off an engagement after she discovered her fiancé was cheating on her for the second time.
Her prior long-term relationship also ended because her ex cheated on her. She's a doctor with a demanding schedule, so I excused the cheating as her ex’s inability to cope with her schedule. She said they were intimidated by her success. As an attorney, I thought we were a perfect match. This belief was also fueled by what I believe was the idealization stage during which she mirrored my love for sushi, my dog, and passionate sex. I had never been so sure of anything in my life. It was an incredible feeling to be thankful for every decision I had ever made to get me to this point. I was in love.
Over the course of the next few months, I noticed red flags. Turns out she doesn't like sushi, my dog, or sex much. When I confronted her about this, she told me she wasn't comfortable at the beginning of our relationship and now she was. Other red flags included the fact that she talked about money and how much she will make when she is out of residency with increased frequency, how big her engagement ring was, and how she wanted the best life has to offer. I excused a lot of this because she had taken steps to obtain these things. I drove a Porsche, so what is wrong with her wanting a $50k ring? She made the $$ clear. We had problems with sex from the get go because I didn't feel as though she was enjoying it. It felt very transactional. She'd get mad if I slowed my pace to enjoy the moment. I was under a lot of pressure to finish. Needless to say, this caused some ED problems, which she took personally and would throw in my face. She told me she had never made love with anyone before, that girls don't enjoy sex and only have sex to feel loved. She said she would never allow herself to lose control during sex. She cried a few times during sex as well.
After about 6 months, what I perceived as intimate moments tapered off quite a bit. It got to the point where we only had sex in the mornings because sex at night kept her up. Due to morning breath and her desire to finish quickly, there was no foreplay and we rarely if ever made out. I went into a downward spiral and shifted my focus to work.
We had some really good moments over the next year and some really terrible fights. Most of our fights stemmed from her talking about money, how important her job is and her want for compliments that she claimed I rarely gave. She once said she needed 5 compliments per day. During our fights, she said the meanest things anyone has ever said to me, things I excused because they were said in the heat of the moment.
Last month, after a few ridiculously busy months at work, she came to me and said she was moving out. The next 7 days were a nightmare of her being hot and cold. She found a place within 3 days and moved out at 6 days. One day, she'd be crying about how she was losing her best friend, and the next day she would be an ice queen. About 1 week after the move out, she was on an internet dating site telling people she had never been head over heels in love. Reading this was incredibly painful, but I believe it's true, especially if she's a narcissist.
I contacted her about the dating site because she had previously said she had mentioned she would be single for a long time and wanted to respect our relationship. It was a moment of weakness, I know. She responded to say she needed something to distract her from thinking of me, us, and that she was lonely and scared. I took the bait and responded to let her know I miss her so much it hurts. She responded to say she was slammed at work.
I went NC and haven't communicated with her since. It's been 24 days. Although I believe the things I read — that it gets easier — I've seen no improvement. Despite all of our problems, I miss her and think about her constantly. My heart says contact her and she will listen. My mind controls, at least for now, and so I've blocked her email, Facebook, deleted all pictures, tossed out gifts that are too sentimental, etc. It doesn't seem to be enough though. Although we broke up 6 weeks ago, I still want her back.
Max’s Story
When I met my ex, she was in shambles. Her ex-boyfriend had cheated on her and dumped her. I felt sorry for her. I nursed her back and I fell in love with her. We were both in University then. I helped her with her life. I got her out of depression the year after when she could not get a job and supported her. Last year, she wanted to launch her shoe line as she was a podiatrist. I made it a possibility through my connections in the business world. During my University time, I had missed my exams when she was sick to be with her. I did my best to spend time despite my commitments to my law degree and my extracurricular activities. There were a lot of red flags during our relationship, which I ignored because I really loved her. I will make a quick run to the last 4 months of this relationship.
Both of us went overseas and when we got back, I found out she liked somebody else. When I confronted her, she said she cheated on me twice during the relationship, once she had slept with her ex who cheated on her so as to get the control back of her dumping him and not the other way around, and the second time she had cheated with her best friend’s cousin. In addition, in the last three months she has been in touch with a guy who she met in a club and she was corresponding to him even during our relationship. She broke up with me, but she kept liking my FB status.
One day, a friend’s cousin who is quite attractive came to walk my dog and she made a comment on FB, which I think got her jealous. She lost control and called me from another guy’s house and said we should get counselling. I have never been to a psychologist. I agreed to it. Since May, she has mentally abused and psychologically tormented me, blames me for everything that went wrong and tells me I’m not man enough to do a single thing properly. She tells me I am not mature and keeps comparing me to the new guy that she likes. She informs me he is always very attentive to her and listens to her needs, unlike me.
I have done so much for her and splurged a lot of money on her. During the counselling, she accused me and made me feel like a terrible person. The psychologist said it was a toxic relationship and organized for independent sessions. The psychologist also saw through her character and when I confronted my ex about it, she called me a liar. My ex started to blame the psychologist and said the psychologist did not understand her needs.
On the last day of counselling, we had to see the psychologist together. I had decided enough is enough and I said during the session that I did not want to get back together with her. I think my ex was shocked to hear what I said. When we got out of the session, my ex started to cry at the hospital. I felt really bad and even though I wanted to walk away, I could not. I hugged her and said I loved her. Within a few moments, she started to talk about this guy and how great he is. I felt like a knife stuck through my heart and I fell for her trap again.
She seemed to be having fun, going out for movies and having the time of her life as she lied to our common friends that I had moved on and was dating other girls, which was not true. I fell into depression and suffered terribly from it. During those months, I tried calling her and speaking to her, not understanding what went wrong in my life. I really missed her. She abused me and threatened me that she was going to get a restraining order against me, but all I wanted was to get closure from her. I called her maybe only once a week. She had changed her number twice on me and I decided enough was enough so I started to move ahead with my life. I was still involved through the business relationship I helped to create for her, but I remained aloof during the whole time.
Three weeks ago when I spoke to her, she said she loves this guy and she thinks he is the one and she is going to get married to him. I said fine and congrats. Two weeks ago, we had to catch up for a conference call and I spoke strictly business with her. I left the conversation after which there had been emails from her, which I replied directly and to the point.
In the last week, her relationship with her business partner, who was a contact through my contact, fell apart. I got 4 calls from unknown numbers on my mobile phone and a voice mail from my ex telling me that she would call back.I got a call again that evening from her and told her I was busy and would speak to her later. Again on Monday, I got 5 calls this time with exposed numbers. It was her and she had also sent me an email saying she called. She called me again on Tuesday and I spoke to her.
She blamed me that it was my fault her business fell through and that she could have done it all by herself. She told me that she is entirely capable of pulling it through by herself. I asked her why she was calling me and telling me this and she said "We were in a relationship together for 3 and a half years and that I was a great guy with a good heart and she would like to be friends.” She kept whining about what had happened. I listened to her and I showed sympathy to her. She said she would like to be invited to things that I attend. I said we shall see. I kinda think I fell for her words, which happens every time she speaks to me. She said we don’t have a future and I never asked her for a second chance and she abused me calling me names. I asked her where she is staying and she said she is still staying at this guy’s house. I recalled what she said 2 weeks ago to me. I asked her if he is so good to her, why they’re not getting married. She told me she is too young. I asked her if she is still going out with him and she said no, but that she needs to be with him, which I totally did not understand what she meant by that. Before we finished the conversation, she said to me, "Now that you have my number, do not call me every day or else I will change the number.”
I was totally struck by what this meant because I never called her in the last 3 weeks. In fact, she was the one calling me over 12 times in the last week. I immediately deleted her new number from my phone after the call. I felt depressed and drained of energy. It had made me wonder and feel sad that she never said sorry for what she did to me from cheating to the mental abuse. She feels I owe it to her to help her. I am lost and confused. I told her the truth that I still have some feelings left for her because we were in a three year relationship together. I feel after the conversation with her, I lost all the hard work I put to move forward and it is really hurting me and has me confused.
Melanie’s Story
My story is the same as everyone's.....filled with pain, anger, self-doubt and fear. The only difference is we were a lesbian couple married for two years. I have joined this forum not knowing if she truly has NPD or if I am just trying to make sense of a senseless situation.
We met 5 years ago and omg it was crazy. We were so much in love! She kept saying that it was sad because everyone else only thought they were in love-only we knew the real thing! I was successful, had a good career, home and was more than comfortable money wise. She was a receptionist at a low budget hotel, living in one room. We spent every moment together and felt that life was simply perfect. She told me about her previous relationships, how she had only ever had "crazy" women until now of course.
After a short whirlwind romance, my job became insecure and we needed to make some big decisions. Crazy but without a thought, we put what we could in the back of the car and moved to France. All the possessions I had worked so hard for, sold or given away. This is when the cracks started to show. She began over-reacting to the smallest situation. Being left waiting would bring about irrational and noisy protests. Driving in the car was always stressful and occasionally downright dangerous. I recall one occasion where she tried to run a cyclist off the road because he had not let her pass. To this day, she believes he deserved it! This is also when I saw how mean she could be to others - particularly her family. But none of this mattered because I thought she would never treat me that way. We were perfect and the happiest day of my life was the day we married.
Time passed and things were good. We moved back to the U.K. but slowly something changed. I became frustrated at her moodiness, which she said was my fault. I was tired of her laziness with household chores and concerned by her deep-seated belief that rules, laws and socially accepted behavior did not apply to her if it didn't meet her needs. But I still believed she was my perfect wife.
I bought her expensive presents, tended to her every wish and took her on exotic holidays. I would have done anything for her. But things soon turned sour - she started wearing sexy underwear for work, much more make-up than I had ever seen her wear. She changed passwords and became secretive with her phone. I knew the signs, but when challenged she would freak out. Call me a jealous suspicious cow with trust issues. We split up for a couple of months with her telling everyone she could no longer deal with my crazy behavior!
Convincing me she was right, I went back to her promising I would change. After all, it was just me being crazy, right? For a week or so everything seemed perfect. I ignored the fact that she was having private calls and sneaking off to see friends without me.We even made plans for our much longed- for baby. Everything was going to be fine. Then the night before she was due at the baby clinic, she told me she missed her friends and was moving to be closer to them - 300 miles away from me!
She said she loved me, but wasn't happy! That was when I found the love letters from her girlfriend. All the same expressions she had used on me. How perfect they are together and how she wished everyone could be as happy as them. So now, she is gone. I made her leave straight away after an extremely violent outburst when I confronted her with the letter. Apparently, my finding out was justification for this. What did I expect??
I’ve been sleepless and checking my phone every 30 seconds, hoping for contact, hoping for the woman I still love (?) to be out there trying to find her way home. I loathe myself for being so pathetic. Where is my self-respect? I know I am so much better off without her and am not even sure what she brought to the relationship (apart from great sex of course), but I miss her and would do pretty much anything right now to stop the pain.
Don’s Story
This is my story. About 10 years ago, I met someone from where I live who I thought was the answer to all my prayers and dreams. I was a single father, raising 2 small boys at the time and this lady was all I had ever dreamed of. She was fun to be around, loved life as much as I did, was great with my boys, and was a great homemaker...anything and everything a guy could ask for.
For the first 3 years we were together, I was the soul breadwinner. I worked and she stayed home and took care of the kids and house. After that, she got the itch for a job and a car so we went and got a car. I cosigned for it and she got a job to pay the note on it and everything was pretty normal so far, right?
Well, the boys wanted to go live with their mother and I didn't want to deprive them of that experience. Shortly after that is when trouble started. I no longer was receiving child support so money was tight. Her mother, so she said, was having problems at home, and she thought it would be best if she moved back home and helped her. I didn't think anything of it because if it was my mom, I would have done same thing.
Three weeks after she moved, I called to see if she wanted to get together that weekend. Her mother’s boyfriend answered the phone and said she wasn't there and wouldn't be back until middle of the following week. I was like, huh what??? I must mention I live in Tennessee. She took off to look for a job in New Mexico with no word to me, no notice, nothing.
Well, she got the job and moved out there. I find out she traced down an ex-husband who is a scientist out there and went to be with a man she hadn’t gotten over so to speak. Well, he was married and she played second fiddle for 18 months and then moved back home because she wanted to see me. She said that maybe, just maybe, we could hang out, be friends and see what develops.
I was so excited to be given the chance to at least try and work things out. For six months, I tried and she kept telling me she was happy with the way things were for the moment with us. She moves 2 hours away with no warning, no notice, no nothing. I decided I am so done and over all of this crap. I will take the $7,500.00 loss that she left me with, move on and find someone else.
I did find someone else, nothing alike but all I REALLY needed in my life. She loved me for who I was, not what I had or could give her. We got engaged and were fixing to be married in the fall of 2013. I was over the narc and was moving on with my life. I was really happy. Then 2 weeks before the end of last year, I get an email from the ex narc with photos of us when we were together - all the great times and happy times we spent together talking about how we really were a great couple. She wished me luck on my forthcoming marriage, but said it eventually wouldn't work out. I freaked out. She wanted to see me and talk about old times and just hang out.
I took the bait. I went to see her two hours away, spent the entire night listening to her tell me how sorry she was, how she made a mistake and that I was right when I said karma would catch up to her. It did pretty badly. I ended staying there for 2 days. We didn't sleep together or have sex. All she wanted to do was tell me how sorry she was and to please forgive her and let’s try again. For 2 days that's the way it was. I'm thinking, yeah she’s learned her lesson and has really changed this time.
I broke the relationship off with my fiancé. I broke her heart and in the long run, mine as well. I never should have betrayed her because nine months later, I was told by the narc that she had made a mistake 9 months ago since having sex with me. She found me sexually unattractive and all she wanted was to be friends now.
I am 50 years old and have never been told this. Let me say, during the first couple months we were back together, I was receiving insurance checks from my mother’s passing and she was in a tight financial spot due to not working and behind on rent and car problems, etc. Being so in love with her, I took all that money and got her rent caught up and got her car fixed. Too many things to mention here that I took care of for her. Then after all of this, I am now not worthy enough to sleep with and be with all of the time. Now, only when it was convenient for her, a total of 8 years I was with her, 10,000.00 dollars in debt, I ended up filing bankruptcy because of it all.
One month after what I assumed were final words with her, I get a call from her after my father passed away wondering if there was anything she could do and that she was sorry about my dad. I told her yeah there was ....to continue her quest in finding someone more sexually attractive and with a larger bank account and to please leave me alone because I could no longer handle her narcissistic sociopathic ways.
She asked me not to put her down because she was only trying to be nice and help during the loss of my father one week after he was dead and buried. She’s gonna try and help, yeah ok. Well, now she’s rubbing her new romance in my face. She has found someone who makes 3 times more money than me. She’s so happy with her new life. I, on the other hand, have felt like I’m spiraling out of control from all the hurt and emotional anguish. Everything I did, I did out of love for her and only wanted what I thought to be best. I haven’t heard from her since I told her not to bother me anymore, but the last thing I said was once you’ve punched your ticket on the karma express it will come into your station a lot harder and faster than before and all she could say was, “Oh well, guess if it happens, it happens.”
So here’s the thing, narcs follow a cycle and this looks like a narc cycle to me. After all the fun and games of her new life wear thin, am I going to have to deal with this again? I’ve seen a therapist and am working on trying to get my life back to somewhat normal, but sometimes things happen to people that they won’t ever be the same. I think this is one of those things.
Kevin’s Story
Needless to say, I never in a million years thought I would end up on a site like this. The term NPD was never something I had ever heard of until a few months ago. Maybe it's society's expectation of men, pride, ego, or a combination of all of the above, but I am so angry with myself, embarrassed, and humiliated with myself. It's ridiculous. No one I know seems to understand what I'm dealing with. After a few weeks of research, I decided to post here as a means of healing and support. Here is my story:
In the summer of 2010, I met who I believed was my perfect match. My 10 year marriage had ended 3 years prior, and I purposely took my time to heal and work through my part of my failed marriage. It was a long and difficult journey examining my life, my shortcomings, and my core beliefs to get to a place where I truly felt ready to love someone. I read everything I could about love, went through extensive therapy, and belonged to several church groups. In the end, what I desired to be was someone who aspired to love the way God had instructed in 1 Corinthians 13. We all know it: "love is patient, love is kind" and so on.
When I met her she presented herself as everything I ever wanted. She told me she was divorced after an 18 year marriage to a much older man. It was his 2nd marriage and they had two children together who were teenagers. She was on the board of several local charities and talked about how important having a sense of community was to her. I admired her spirit, her loyalty, her commitment to her children and how kind she appeared to be. Like many of the stories I've read, it wasn't long before I noticed some inconsistencies. She in fact, was not yet divorced, but rather going through a very acrimonious property settlement with her estranged husband. She told she was 46, when in fact she was 49. She told me she was divorcing him, when in fact he had moved out and filed for divorce a year prior. All huge red flags for me, but I chose to stay the course, believing part of love means believing the best in people.
We talked for hours about doing things the right way this time, about communicating to each other our hopes, fears, insecurities, and triumphs. I was completely hooked. We dated for a few months before having the talk about being exclusive. I had no desire to date anyone but her, and she concurred even though her divorce was not yet final.
Things for the next 7 or 9 months were absolutely lovely, or so I thought. She talked incessantly about her divorce, his 5 adult kids from his first marriage, all she sacrificed for him and how he owed her. She played the victim to the hilt and I fell head first into wanting to protect and support her.
After the divorce was finalized, I foolishly thought things would continue to improve between us and our relationship would begin to transition into a more traditional one. She lied pathologically to virtually everyone. Whatever would give her the most sympathy was the story she would tell. Her son had broken his back and she told me it happened when he was with his dad during summer vacation. Two weeks later, she told some acquaintances it happened during football. Another time, she told her friends it was a genetic disorder because he grew 6 inches in a year.
On another occasion, she told me she was attending a cancer charity event where they were going to honor her friend and next door neighbor who was a supporter of the cause. She said her neighbor’s husband had purchased several tables for his late wife's friends as a way to honor her legacy. Several days later, her photograph from the event is in the society section with her arm around another man. I point-blank ask her if she was on a date and she denied it saying they just grouped a bunch of people together to take the photo and that she didn't even know the man.
A few days later, she says it was a co-worker of her friend’s husband. A month later, I'm at her house and the phone rings at 11:30 p.m. and the caller-id pops up with this guy’s name. She tells me his son died and she was just supporting him - how dare I be so selfish (a ploy she knows will get me). I ask her why she didn't just tell me the truth and she tells me it’s because she never had a relationship where she could just be honest about something like that. Now I consider myself a very reasonable guy so I told her to just tell me the truth. I can handle it. I told her if she wanted to date other people to just let me know so I can base my future on the facts. She reassures me that I am the only one and she is sorry that she lied.
Several months later, my friend sees her profile on a dating website and forwards the link to me via email. When confronted, she goes ballistic accusing me of spying on her and telling me I'm the most insecure man she has ever met. She tells me it's my fault that I don't have a full and satisfying life and I need to put all my energy into her and what she is doing.
All the intimate details of my life that I shared with her are now being thrown in my face as a means to hurt me. My parents are both deceased, along with my brother. She tells me she wants to be with someone who has a family. I swear I felt like I was losing my freaking mind. I felt minimized at every turn. When I tried to talk to her about how I felt she says her life is extremely hectic with selling her house and dealing with her son's back. She tells me she just doesn't have time to cater to my needs.
Note....total projection!
There are countless stories like this with her. I end the relationship and inevitably she comes back days or weeks later saying she is sorry that she hurt me. She promises that it won’t happen again, etc. Like a fool I want to believe her and believe that love will never fail if I do it the way God instructed, but my soul is screaming at me - Don't Do It!
Finally a month ago, a friend from my small world (that's how she refers to my life) calls me and says they are working on a charity committee with my girlfriend. They tell me the president of the charity, who they are both friends with, says my girlfriend goes on more dates than anyone she knows but none of them are boyfriends - wow.
Mind you, earlier that day she tells me how she can't wait to marry me and spend every day with me. In the same breath, she says she hates that her kids ask about me. I kid you not, 15 minutes later, another friend sends me her profile from Match.com.
That was 1 month to the day I have blocked her from calling me, emailing me and every other means of communication. I now realize that none of it was real. She is a very sick woman who will never get better. I've had numerous relationships, but nothing that even remotely resembles this. I feel foolish, humiliated, and deceived. The worst part is that I know I could have stopped it early on before it got to this point. I feel as if I'm in a fog and have been for quite some time.
It's hard to focus on anything other than this, but I realize that I must accept some of the responsibility for choosing to stay in this unhealthy relationship. My focus will now be on me. What do I need to change internally so that I don't settle for this type of behavior again? I know who I am, what I have to give, and my ability to love.
Cheryl’s Story
Yes, it's taken me this long to connect the dots, do lots of research and actually be able to say my mom is not well. Something is terribly wrong. That's a very hard thing for me to do. Verbalize it's true, my mom is a narc. Contrary to her belief, she's the closest thing to God, she's always right, she's very wise (her words exactly), beautiful, and when people stare at her it must be because they see no sin in her face (her words exactly again).
She's never been a loving mom. I have no memories of that word "love." She always seemed to adore my brother, but I seemed to get under her skin no matter what I did. I'm an empath (I'm learning). All of my life's pain has made me extra sensitive to hurting people. I'm always for the underdog. I'm the fix-it girl....always making everyone else well, while I completely fall apart.
I married the carbon copy of my mom - a full blown narc. That's when I first heard the word. Six years ago, he walked out on me without so much as a blink of an eye. Left me for my neighbor, gave up his house, pets, kids, credit, without so much a goodbye or the blink of an eye. I did not see it coming, with the exception that I was his third wife...duh...hello? What the H*ll was I thinking? It almost killed me because I was living in my fantasy world, "thinking" I had the life everyone dreams of. He was such a good liar and fake, it fooled an entire family. With that said, I've spent 6 years working on me. I don't date. I was so screwed up and screwed over. I lost my prince...barf..that's what I thought he was for 11 years of our marriage.
That brings me to finally going way back to see I actually married the mirror image of my mom. I've spent my entire life trying to "win" her love. I refer to myself as a Christian woman. I gave my life to the Lord when I was 11. My parents were not Christians, but my mom said she saw something in me she wanted and asked to go to church with me and the neighbor down the street who had been taking me to church.
I noticed my mom had red eyes after church and could see she had been crying. After that she changed drastically. She had a Bible in her hand daily, always going to church. She stopped drinking and it became all about her and God.
So much so that nothing in life mattered anymore except her and God. She and my dad divorced over that. He couldn't stand hearing that she no longer needed him because God was her husband now (basically). The reason this is important to share is because it's not been until now I've understood that my mom really didn't have a relationship with God. She used Him to be able to incorporate her faith into her narcissism.
She was not able to stand tall, EXTREMELY prideful, always boasting how special she is. She became fixated on everyone praising her as being the absolute woman of God! She once told me she was shopping and this woman was staring at her and she said, "It hit me that she was staring because she saw no sin in my face." I wonder if she saw my eyes pop out of my head.
The problem is I had a Bible too. I read what God's character was. Her behavior gave me so much confusion. Here is a woman always in prayer, Christian television, reading her Bible, guarding her television so no "sinful" shows ever came on, statues of angels everywhere. And oh yes, "God was speaking to her." Giving her promises and prophetic words.
She would tell me God showed her my last child was going to be a boy. I had a girl.God told her she was moving to Arizona...35 years ago...she still has not moved there. She thought she had my kids and I convinced she is the modern day Noah that everyone laughed, but in the end she is hearing from God and “He will have the last laugh when all these things come true.” Not one of them ever have.
Here are some of her comments to me over my life time:
While having panic attacks in the E.R. in my 20's, I called her crying and begging her to come see me. She responded, "God told me to let go. I don't feel like I should come."Needing help with my kids when I was a teenager with 2 babies and no food, I asked her to help me. She said, "God told me I'm not to help you."
After divorcing an abusive husband, she said, "God did not show her I was to divorce and I better think very carefully before I destroy my life.”
She stopped talking to me, but when my abusive ex came to her for "his" support, she prepared a beautiful meal for him and told him, "My daughter's beauty is a curse."
I tried sending a letter pouring my heart out saying, "Mom, God does not act like this. You are hateful and mean and I don't understand why you are doing this." She replied by saying "Thank you for your letters, I don't read them. I just throw them in the trash."
While she was a hot to trot younger woman, she is now short and fat. She is 70 and said to me, "I don't wear certain shoes anymore because they are too sexy on my feet and I don't want to encourage men." I about fell on the floor with that one.
She returned my bridal portrait to me saying, "I can't put it in my house because your cleavage is showing."
Giving her a photo of her granddaughter at 1 year old in a bunny outfit, she returned it to me. She said “I don't celebrate Halloween and find this offensive.”
Each and every holiday, it's ALL about HER. I spend every waking moment making sure my house is spotless and she is comfortable. There is no inappropriate television on. We all are careful at what words we choose and she gets the best seat in the house. I cook to please her the best I can. She demands we praise her! Then she must say the "blessing" and this is when she wants all of us to look to her as the spiritual head!
When watching a segment of Saturday Night Live, her husband was laughing with my adult sons and she became enraged. She screamed at him to get his things because they were leaving and walked out on Christmas Eve, leaving us all sitting there wondering what just happened. Her husband is a weak, spineless, passive man, probably ready for a breakdown, who jumps through her hoops. On numerous occasions she has told him to SHUT UP when he questioned her forceful ways. He replied, "It's either your way or the highway all the time.”
He went on a business trip for 3 months and when he returned he was covered in hives from the stress of returning home. Gee, I wonder why!? You’re married to a tyrant!
This brings me to the present. Around 2009, she came for Thanksgiving. I was sick. I had a virus and chronic fatigue. I let her know cooking was all I could do. I was depressed, still in pain from my divorce and loss of my family unit. She wanted to come a day early and spend the night. I wasn't prepared for that, but I complied like I always do because it's all about her, ya know? I had no room and she had to sleep on the huge sectional sofa with her husband. The next day after Thanksgiving, I got a call from her that she and her husband decided that it was the last time they were coming back to my house. She said, "So with that said, we won't be coming for Christmas.”
That was like a knife in my chest. I had lost everything. I was still grieving. I hated my life. I was in horrible pain, and in my darkest time, my own mother decided to never come (an hour and a half from where she lives) ever again. She then mailed my 15 year old daughter (her granddaughter) a letter and said, "Grandma is a busy business woman. Whenever you get your driver’s license, you can come see me. I was furious.
I didn't want to let her win with her selfishness. I mailed her a package of small gifts for Christmas. I never heard from her, but I got a card that read, "I guess you don't remember I asked you not to buy me anything! We have no room! Staying home for Christmas this year was the best Christmas ever!!!!” Yes, she put in that many exclamations marks.
That was the beginning of the end for me. She has never come back to my house and we have not talked on the phone for 2 1/2 years.
However, I just got a card from her that read, "Hi, I was wondering if you have the Charlie Chan DVD's I sent you a few years back. I can't find them anymore and my husband is missing them. Love, mom. I just laughed. I thought, wow. No mention of missing me or your grandkids. No mention that you have not heard my voice in 2 years and what is wrong. No mention of her grandkids. And wait, she's a "Christian," a special one, remember?
Talk about needing a therapist! My head has been so confused. I've felt like maybe I'm the crazy one because I don't care what it looks like to others. In my world, this is NOT a normal, healthy woman.
My children are everything to me. I'm sure I go overboard trying to compensate for the insanity I have had and give them a loving, supportive and SAFE environment. My door is always open to them. If they need me, I'm there. If they want to talk, we do. If we need to cry together, we do. I make sure they know they are valued and God has a plan for each of their lives.
I've had to "De-throne" my mom and put God back in his rightful place. I no longer worship her and live in fear of disappointing her. That is an endless battle!
God is a God of love! Peaceful and merciful. He teaches us love is kind. It is not prideful and selfish. I counseled all my kids to get their eyes off her and seek their own relationship with God. She brings too much confusion to all of us.
Shawn’s Story
I'm sorry this is long but I'm so hurt and wanted people to know that men too get hurt and taken advantage of.....
I met this professional woman online in February 2013, and during the first month, I didn’t ask her to be in a relationship with me. She liked me as well during that time, but she didn’t pursue me either. We spent some weekends together, but never actually became an exclusive couple. We eventually went our separate ways and dated others. In April 2013, I came back into her life and we started going out. She said she had been seeing a guy for two months, but said she loved me and had always loved me.
Eventually, she asked this other guy for her house key back and told him she wanted to see other people. This was right after she and I went to Philly together for 5 days. However, according to her she did not tell him specifically that the reason for the breakup was me. She had always said that she had never left one man for another man and she didn’t want to start now. So she never actually stopped seeing this other guy and she continued to see me as well. Over the next three months, she and I traveled extensively taking trips out of state, hotels, bed and breakfasts, Eastern Shore, D.C. on the 4th of July, Atlantic City, etc. We had the BEST time every time. She was mostly honest with me about still seeing this other guy, which I hated knowing but I accepted.
Anyway, during these months, she spent more time with me than him, but it still bothered me that she wouldn’t commit to me. She always lied to him when she was with me. As hurtful as it is to admit, she would always post our trips on her Facebook page, but I was never tagged or even shown in the photos. Her photos consisted of things such as the hotel we were at, sunsets, restaurants, shows we attended, a landmark, the food/wineglasses at our table, etc. but never once was I shown on FB with her. I have many photos of us together on these vacations, but out of respect I didn’t post them on FB either. I let her control the situation.
She said she was just trying to spare his feelings and I accepted it because I was hoping that I would eventually be with her forever. That was probably one of the most hurtful aspects of this relationship. Knowing I was being hidden away like she was cheating on a husband or boyfriend. She said she was very confused and often questioned why I didn’t grab her back in February when I had the chance.
When she went out with him, on the other hand, she would post it on Facebook and also tag him. It made me feel awful to know she would do that with him but not me. She claimed it was because people assumed they were still dating. She would also disappear for days and not respond to texts or voice mails I left. Once in a while, I'd get a text that said, "I love you more than you know." That's it. Then I'd be ignored again while she's out having a good time and rubbing my nose in it on Facebook, which was extremely hurtful as well. She always managed to call me days later like everything was okay and always had some kind of excuse.
This woman initially bombarded me with words that made me feel awesome. She said she loved this other guy too, but her love for me was different - with me she had such passion. She was IN love with me versus just loving the other guy. She built me up. She said if the other guy left or dated someone else, it wouldn’t be a huge deal, but if I were to leave or date someone else, it would destroy her. She made me feel so special and she was so much fun. I found her to the most beautiful woman in the world. Not a woman alive could make me feel as special as she did. There’s no question I would be there for her forever. Looking back though, I feel I was more addicted to this woman than in love with her. Anyway, there was always so much drama, which went on for months. It took its toll on me. I lost over 40 lbs. going from 211 down to a low of 169. I don’t know why I couldn’t just leave. It was like she literally had a spell on me.
So about a month ago, I take her out to eat. We have drinks and we're having a great time. We go back to her place and it’s around midnight...still having a great time. We’re having some wine, eating some food in bed and barely dressed. It’s literally the best time of my life, to be honest, and then there’s a bang on the door. It’s him. He yelled inside that he knew I was there (my car was out front). I knew she wouldn’t just allow him to stand outside and bang on the door so I opened the door.
To make a long story short, she asked ME to leave and he stayed!!
I was completely disgusted and totally devastated. He basically just took my spot in bed. I was totally numb and in a fog. This girl said I meant so much to her.She unfriended me on all social media sites and never called me again.
I tried contacting her and was successful sometimes.She said that she unfriended me on all social media sites because she doesn't want to hurt me any more by seeing pictures of him and her together. There’s no remorse though at all. She said she’s going to try to work it out with this guy.
My entire life has been affected.I go to sleep thinking of her. I dream about her. I wake up in the middle of the night thinking of her. Why do I feel like this after being treated like this?
I know I managed to upset her a lot when we were together because I was always questioning her when things didn’t make sense. Seemed I took her out of her comfort zone. Seems I should consider myself lucky that she went with this guy and left me alone, but does anyone think she will leave me alone forever? It’s almost like I WANT her to come back. How sick am I??
I kind of figured maybe I was the transitional victim of a sociopath. Sociopaths use some people to satisfy their temporary needs in between long term victims.She always said she loved me, but she never actually demonstrated her love to me. Aside from a few dinners at the beginning, she never spent a dime on me. She also never showed remorse or guilt about anything that happened between us. I often wonder if she simply tried to destroy me emotionally for fun.
I used to be a healthy guy, but now I’m in therapy, on sleep medication, anxiety medication and something else prescribed to calm my nerves. I’m still a freaking mess. The last time I spoke with her she said she loved me and would always love me. BTW, she just got engaged to this guy and they’re getting married next month. It’s soooo crazy.
Doug’s Story
Seven months on, still dealing with it.
It has been seven months since the breakup, and almost three months since I had a text conversation with her.
I still feel the pain, but more and more I am accepting what she is/was. My mind for a long time has fought between what was real and what was an illusion. And it has been torture. So odd how over time, your mind only sees and believes what it wants to.
Associated with "disconnection" or rather the life of living in an illusion and forcing your gut and heart to believe in "Ignorance is bliss."
So many realizations have popped into my memories. When we first dated, I remember her telling me so many things that should have been red flags, but I thought nothing about them.
When she talked about the songs she loved, such as Cindy Lauper’s "Time After Time," she explained that the song was about how you never know when the person you love might be gone with the blink of an eye and with no explanation. She then said, “Watch out.”
Other songs she loved were songs about a cheating lover. The song, "Someone that I Used to Know" was one of her favorites.
The dream she had about me cheating on her with someone I never met and then telling me that she loves me and that she will just have to accept it when it happens is total projection, I believe.
Her ex constantly texted her because he was confused about what happened, and how much pain he was in. He knew nothing about me.
All the triangulation. Either about ex men or her friends and family, none of which was true but I believed. She told me she cheated once in her life on her ex before me. Her excuse was because he couldn't stay hard. I later found out she cheated on every man she had ever been with and left them all for no real reason, other than that she no longer felt excitement any more.
Her other term was "I no longer feel for someone, and then I leave for a new person." None of her ex men where abusive, but she would go back and forth telling me they were. She always played victim at first.
She controlled how I acted. Controlled when we met, and if anything was not how she wanted, she punished me.
I saw all of these signs and yet grew very accustomed to it over time, just saying to myself, "It’s just what she wants and how she is....I want to keep her happy."
So many things I saw and heard, and that she actually told me. I thought that I was different and that as long as I gave her what she wanted/needed, we would be ok. But that was her "conditioning" me to allow and accept her treatment because "our" love and relationship was different. It was a trap so I could give her an attractive, successful, and caring man as a slave and emotional play toy. I knew deep down that eventually I would be discarded, but my stupid heart didn't want to believe it.
She suddenly left after expressing how happy she was with me on a daily basis, and how thankful she was to have me in her life. She immediately jumped to her next victim - an older and bald man from her work. She is 28 he is 40 year old. I see him as a good source because I don't think an older unattractive man would put his foot down too much being with an extremely very beautiful younger woman.
At first, she seems so sweet, innocent and perfect. Sex is her tool she uses, and a very innocent, victimized, caring personality is her trap.
NC works fellas. I believe she is BPD/NPD, but also psychopathic. Please for your own life... run when you first get funny feelings or see flags. You can't beat these people. They are master manipulators and will get to you the longer you are with them.
They don't just attack your pride. They attack everything you are, both mentally and emotionally. Once you see that, it is way too late.
Jason’s Story
Controlling or an N?
G'day everybody,
I guess I'd like to know if I was dating a narcissist. She was certainly controlling, but I don't know that she fits the N pattern.
I know it's long, but please bear with me. My examples are not as obvious as yours in N behavior. As you'll see, it doesn't seem to add up.
I'll put the issues in point form for an easier read.
She:
Appears sweet and funny.
Has friends who love her.
Is very independent and seems to care for her friends and family.
Does volunteer work (hardly seems narcissistic).
Joked early on that she ‘baited and switched’ in relationships. As in, she started off sweet, ‘baited’ guys and then ‘switched’ to what she was really like.
Became instant Facebook friends with my mother after meeting her for the first time.
Told me she had ‘emotional walls.’
Told me her previous boyfriend had told her she had a temper, but he was boring and she dumped him and never looked back.
Had to bring her own muesli (in a sealed bag), her own tea bags, blankets and pillows when she stayed at my place. She could not eat or drink alternative breakfast stuff. Had a rule that no blanket sharing and no touching was allowed after sex.
She didn't talk to me for 3 days after her friend’s wedding. She wouldn't answer my calls except once, where she said, “You don't want to know what I've got to say to you” and then hung up. Three days later, she finally called. By the way, at this wedding, I didn't know anyone there and she was a bridesmaid so lots of sitting on my own trying to make conversation. Anyway when she called she had a list of things I'd done wrong. She accused me of being drunk (which I was not), not talking to her enough, not saying goodnight (which admittedly I didn't do when we got home because I fell asleep) and 'pushing her onto the bed,' which I did do but not in an aggressive way, but in a passionate way as we were kissing. I would NEVER EVER hurt anyone physically. I apologized and felt so awful and agreed to stop drinking, although I am not a big drinker.
She then thought 'I was wonderful' and she went back to being happy, delightful and funny. During this conversation I said, “Look, if this is too hard for you or you think we're too different, let’s end it.”
She said, “No no. It's because I care about the relationship that I want these things to stop. If I didn't care, I'd just break up with you.”
I also had to buy a separate wedding present to hers as she had already bought one, which was from 'her' not 'us' and I had only met this friend once.
But soon it continued...
She had a temper tantrum when I had the music up too loud. She locked herself in her room. I apologized and agreed that the music was too loud.
Told me I was very sensitive. I agreed that I could be, but suggested that sometimes she could be moody too. She abruptly told me, “No, I'm not” in a very aggressive, end-of-conversation way.
Told me that she couldn't possibly watch me play guitar because she would be 'too embarrassed.'
Told me that I was one of those ‘emotional guys.’
Told me that she had dated a guy who played the guitar like me and it was awful. “Too emotional. It was terrible,” she said. Couldn't say 'I love you' if I had said it as she didn't want to feel like she had to because I had. She preferred to say 'ditto.'
Told me that she had ‘better things to do and would have preferred to be somewhere else' after watching me play soccer once.
Told me in her previous relationship she had done 'too many things she didn't want to do' and was determined that wasn't going to happen again.
Told me she could not visit my family because I had a cigarette 3 months ago and that had broken her trust. If I even had so much of a drag of a cigarette in the future, she would break up with me and that it would be my fault.
Didn't want any alcohol in her life (with no explanation), and then wanted to know how many drinks I would be having at my best mate’s wedding, where I was the best man. I had to tell her exactly how many drinks I would be having or she wouldn't come.
She seemed to be so nice to her friends. They really loved her. She didn't criticize them, had only love and care for them. I don't even think they'd believe me if I told them what she could be like with me behind closed doors.
Threatened to leave one night if I watched 30 minutes of sport. I had not watched any sport with her for 7 months.
Told me I was not very creative, which was disappointing.
Got angry if I left my keys on her desk. Got angry if I left my toiletries bag in the bathroom.
Got angry when I suggested a movie that wasn’t a ‘girl’s film.' I think it was Robin Hood.
Got angry when I didn't text her back in the appropriate time.
Got angry when I didn't text her enough when I was overseas for 2 weeks so we had to speak on the phone every night.
Asked me to move in with her, but it had to be in her chosen suburb with none of my old furniture and it had to happen on a particular month. No chocolate would be allowed in the house.
She chose clothes for me that were 'cooler’ than what I was wearing.
Was obsessed with exercise and looked down on people (like me) who like to have a drink sometimes.
Told me I watched too much TV. I work in TV so sometimes I watch it.
She once told me in the car that she thought 'we should have a fight' for no reason.
She once told me she wanted to 'hit me' but for no reason.
She didn't like my taste in music and made me feel foolish because of it.
She only seemed happy when we were doing exactly what she wanted to do. Everything else was a chore.
She made me feel guilty over things I liked, like somehow they were dumb or boring.
I had to agree with her or the consequences were anger or critical dismissal.
She got angry when I kissed an old friend on the lips (who is married with 2 kids with her husband standing there). I agreed to simply kiss her on the cheek in future as I didn't want her to feel uncomfortable. That was no good. I had to tell her I would never see her again. I disagreed, as I had tried to compromise. Her compromise was to not see me if I saw this friend. She was very angry with me for the next 2 nights.
During that week she then told me she was going away for 3 days because she was angry with me. I told her that I'd like to come so we could work on things rather than silence for 3 days. She agreed, and later was all smiles and enthusiasm again. I met loads of her friends and did what she wanted to do, but by the last day she changed. She wouldn't let me kiss her or hold hands. She had turned into a different person.
In the car ride home she said, “Next time, I'm coming on my own. I felt suffocated with you here. I have not enjoyed the weekend because of you and I was so embarrassed when you read the paper.” I briefly read the paper in the afternoon. At the time, I had never felt so insulted and hurt by someone that was supposed to love me. I have never seen such disregard for someone else's feelings, efforts and compromise. It was like a switch in her head had changed and now she saw me as pathetic. She made me feel as if I was at fault for her feeling the way she did.
How do you come back from that? How do you have any self-respect left? After all the compromise, doing what she wanted to do over the past 7 months, my apologies for not living up to her expectations, the guilt, being made to feel inadequate, she never once appreciated my good qualities, but focused only on the bad.
I told her in the car that I didn't want to see her any more.
She angrily said, “Fine” and dropped me in the rain and left me to get a train home.
The next day, I told her that I was sorry that it had to end and that perhaps I was just too sensitive (self-blame) to continue the relationship. I told her she had fantastic qualities, friends and family and I would miss her.
She replied, “I'm relieved it's over. I constantly had to compromise my happiness to make you happy. We could never talk about our problems (clearly not true as you have seen above). Goodbye.”
She never contacted me again, never showed any remorse and blamed the downfall of the relationship on me.
I loved her...head over heels love. I didn't see red flags. I didn't see the subtle put downs. I didn't see that very slowly she was trying to control me by making me feel bad. She didn't do it much in the beginning and her occasional temper outburst was always quickly hidden. It was all excitement and enthusiasm. It was like she was waiting for me to fall for her and then she could start molding me into what she wanted, which is exactly what happened.
With someone who has such self-belief, confidence and a clear idea of her ideal world, it's hard to disagree so I turned her criticisms back on myself. I believed them. Suddenly I didn't know what to say, what to do, or what to like. I also tried harder to make myself better than in any other relationship ever. I don't understand how someone can be so enthusiastic, so joyful, so excited by us and then turn around every three weeks and make you feel bad about yourself. She told me her parents 'truly hated each other’ but stayed together because her mom was Catholic. Surely growing up with that must affect someone. Both parents were totally devoted to her and I think she got away with whatever she wanted.
It was only 7 months, that was 6 months ago and I still think about what I 'should've done better.' If only I didn't do that or liked what she liked more.
Surely this was true love is what I've been thinking. How else do I explain my certainty that she was the one and all the excitement and nerves? I wanted to be a better man for her, but it seemed like being a better man was to be more like her version of a better man.
Now she has proudly displayed her new boyfriend and her as her FB profile. I know about NC. It was dumb. I shouldn't have done that. It's brought it all back because I'm now thinking, “Well, it must have been me. Look how happy she is. She's finally met the right guy and he's getting all her wonderful qualities and not the bad ones. What a lucky guy. If only I could have been more of what she wanted, I'd have that.”
I have never had such a problem getting over someone. The highs were so high it must have been love, right? I've come out of it thinking she's absolutely convinced that it was my fault and she did nothing wrong.
Why can't I think differently? Why am I going through this awful process of self-blame and regret?
One minute, it was 'you're great' and the next minute, it's anger and disapproval. It doesn't make sense and the only way I've been able to make sense of it is blaming myself. Surely it's my fault that this girl who is loved by friends and family was angry/disappointed with me? I don't think I've met anyone like her. When it was good, it was the best. It was so exciting, funny and passionate. Clearly I wasn't enough.
Any thoughts on this would be greatly appreciated. Obviously, I'm very confused and my cycle of self-blame continues.
Ray’s Story
Spinning in Circles
Exactly one month ago, I ended a relationship with what I thought was the love of my life when I discovered all the lies deceit and betrayal that had been occurring since day one of our relationship.
I'm a guy in my early to mid-twenties, just getting started in my career after finishing up a degree. I've only ever had 2 "serious" relationships. Preparation for my career has always been first and foremost in my life. The first ended when she and I realized that our lives were just not on the same page. After some initial bitterness, things calmed down and we are on friendly terms. The last serious relationship ended with lies, cheating and betrayal on her part, and after much honest evaluation, looking back, and reading, it’s clear she fits the example of a narc.
Knowing is one thing, adjusting, another completely. It's like my heart hasn’t caught up with my head in the logic department. I've decided to post here because I just need to let it out, be heard and maybe even get some advice, because quite honestly, I can't shake this funk that I am in.
In my line of work, I've seen some pretty horrible things. I've had to do things that people who aren't in this line of work would never understand. That's not a bad thing as it's taught me to maintain composure and control my emotions in even the worst situations. Don't get me wrong, I don't repress emotion and bad feelings. It's just an unspoken rule, you don't talk about it. You internally sit down, analyze and adapt, eventually moving on.
I realize it's only been a month, but I haven't made any progress at all. It feels like for every step forward, I take two back. I've tried talking to friends, but that's just not cutting it. I am not accustomed to sharing my thoughts and feelings with others and it's uncomfortable. They sympathize and are trying to help, but they just don't get it. Every single one of my friends is in a solid happy long term relationship. It's hard just being around them and seeing the happiness I thought I had, but ultimately discovered was just an act.
Now for the relationship, the whole thing started with a lie. She was with another guy when we first started talking. When I found out I immediately backed off. She and all her friends assured me that this guy was not with her. He was just a jealous stalker type that always wanted to be with her, but she was never interested. My intuition was that this wasn't true, but I ignored it and continued to pursue the relationship....my first mistake. Things progressed over time and we decided to be exclusive, eventually turning into her telling me she "loved" me. She remained in contact with some of her ex's but always made it a point to tell me when she spoke with them so that I would know I could "trust her" and that there was nothing there. What I found out later was that she was actually keeping avenues open so she could "go back" if things weren't working out between us.
At first, I felt like I'd never felt in a relationship before. She made me feel like I was the center of her world. Affection everywhere, close was never close enough, she challenged me (in a good way) to be a better boyfriend- open up, express myself, etc.
As the relationship progressed, we eventually got to the point where we both found ourselves in new jobs; mine was the first real opportunity I had at making a career, not just a stepping stone to something greater. There was a lot of stress adjusting to these changes, especially because it was extremely close to the holidays. I had to adjust my sleep schedule and behaviors to adapt to my new work environment and this caused a conflict in the sense that I had to allot some extra time for me to make sure I could adjust and perform at my best because like I said, people rely on me to keep them safe and my partners have to count on me to protect them as well.
Man oh man, did things change once my focus drifted even the tiniest bit away from her. Up until this point, I would bend over backwards to keep her happy, do things I didn't want to do, even give up some of my passions to keep her happy because she didn't like that it interfered with "our time." I got out of shape, alienated friends just because they happened to be female even though the relationship with them was completely platonic (we had known each other since we were 10 years old for crying out loud!). I thought I was happy because making her happy was what made me happy. Looking back, I now realize that it was so draining, and I was blinded by how she made me feel at the beginning. I held on to that feeling, even though I knew it had been slipping away more and more.
About the beginning of December, the changes in the relationship had become so apparent, so numerous, and so intense that I couldn't attribute it to just stress and change anymore. I confronted her about this growing distance between us, the lack of affection and intimacy on her part, her care free attitude about being with her "new friends," mostly guys, out late, not knowing where she is or who she is with (mind you it was a big deal if I got a text from a female friend asking for help with something work related, but her behavior was to be considered ok), but she was not willing to do anything to spend any time with me. Her answer was that she was unhappy because I am never conversational, I don't show her I love her and I'm always sleeping (I start my 13 hour shifts at 4am), etc.
Now, I am the first to admit my faults. I am not afraid of criticism, and as I loved this girl, I was more than willing to listen. I know I am not very conversational. She would ask me about work and I would be very short and non-descriptive, such as "Oh you know, long day, really busy" and not much else. Not because I didn't want to share, but because of the nature of my job, it would be a crime to share. She knew this and I stretched the rules to their very limit, but I'm not a big small talker either and I told her that I will definitely make the effort to be more involved in the conversations and not just listen to her.
The sleeping, I tried to explain. I need to be able to perform my job to the best of my abilities for the safety of myself and others, but I conceded that I could push my sleep schedule a little more when I had days off and promised I would.
The affection and intimacy or lack-of, she blamed on me because my actions had put her in a bad mood. I attributed not showing I loved her to my lack of experience in serious relationships. She cried a lot, but ultimately at the end, I felt like it was all my fault, that I had failed her in some way by making her upset.
The next few days were rocky. She was extremely cold and I was trying to maintain an "it's ok, we will get through this and be stronger for it" positive attitude for her so she wouldn't be upset.
Then I got our cell phone bill the day after Xmas. I noticed an extremely high volume of calls from her line-almost 1000 minutes on her line alone. I looked at the detailed usage and discovered she would spend anywhere between an hour and a half to three hours on the phone at 2-3 in the morning with this number. I looked into it and found out it was a guy she worked with. This had been going on for several weeks, about the time I noticed this distance starting to manifest itself.
I confronted her immediately, as I was at work we discussed it on the phone. I stepped away from where I had the bill open on the computer and we talked on and off for almost 7 hours. Finally, it felt as if a giant weight had lifted off my chest. I thought I finally got through to her. She apologized and assured me it was nothing more than her venting her frustrations about the issues we were having with another guy so he could give her insight her girlfriends couldn't. I bought into it, that is until I sat back down and looked at the computer. The bill had refreshed since I last looked at it. Every time I had to let her go, or she had to let me go, she was on the phone with this guy (we will call him John from now on).
She called again to tell me she missed me and would really like it if I would just go to her place and curl up and watch a movie. Knowing full well what she had been doing I agreed, like I had no idea and everything was ok. I was not going to deal with any more lies on the phone. I'd see if she would lie to my face. I needed to actually do my job anyways, luckily it was a quiet day and the distraction wasn't really harmful.
The work day ended and I just went straight to her house. I didn't shower, didn't change, and didn’t bring food, like I said I would. I didn't even take off my coat when I sat down on her bed. Knowing full well something had to be wrong, I looked her dead in the eye and said, "Did you talk to John today?"
She looked straight back and without skipping a beat said, "No."
I responded with, "Not at all?" to which she said, "Well, I called to tell him that we couldn't talk anymore but he didn't answer."
I stood up, looked her dead in the eye and said, "You are a f&$(8$ liar. Give me my ring back."
She started crying and saying she was sorry.
I took my ring, grabbed all the things I gave her that had sentimental value and started walking out the door. She kept saying she was sorry and to wait. I stopped, and in a moment of lost self-control, I yelled, "Sorry just isn't going to effing cut it. You lie. You sneak behind my back talking to other guys. You say it's just about 'us' but you end our conversations because you say you are tired and going to bed and then call him and talk until 5 in the morning. YOU EFFING LIE," to which she said I scare her and to get out of her house. I told her if I walk out that door, I'm never coming back. She said we aren't ever going to resolve this tonight and just let me go. I waited 5 minutes at the front door, but she never came so I went home.
The next day at work, I lost total control of my emotions, up down, left and right. I could not reign it in. This was so uncharacteristic. It freaked me out. It made me physically sick to the point I was sent home as not fit for duty because they thought I had the flu. I didn't give them any reason to think otherwise. If they knew a relationship had me so unhinged, I don't even want to think what the fall- out would be. I went home, took a cold shower, tried but failed to eat and then called my mother. If there's one person I could open up to, it would be her I reasoned. She told me “Once trust is lost like that, it will always be in the back of your head."
Despite the negativity I deal with on a daily basis, I remain positive and truly believe that everyone has a good side. People make mistakes, and if they can understand and correct what they did wrong, everyone deserves a second chance. Love is forgiveness after all, right? Man was that naive. My dumb arse grabbed my ring and went over to her house to forgive her.
She had been texting and calling all day, saying she was sorry and she was wrong. She panicked when I asked her about the calls and she didn't want to make me mad after we had such an honest and good conversation. She said we had finally started mending the strain on our relationship. I ate it all up and that's where I gave in to the second chance mentality.
I'd like to note that in the past, I've never forgiven dishonesty and the disrespect associated with it. It’s just one of those things that is very important to me and unforgivable, but this girl had me twisted all around.
I showed up unannounced and she was shocked. I was supposed to be at work all day after all. She had obviously been crying and she broke down instantly upon seeing me and just held on to me for dear life. My heart melted. We sat down and I started talking. I told her that when I first gave her that ring that I meant what I said, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her and was committed to "us" no matter what it takes. At that point, her grandmother walked in the front door. My ex apologized and said she had to go with her to an appointment and had completely forgotten. I was ok with that. I did show up unannounced after all. We promised to meet up after and just talk.
Well six hours later and nothing. I contacted her and she said that the fact I showed up was just shocking and that she thinks that I will always hold this against her, always question her, etc. I told her she was right and I would if she didn't do anything to make me think otherwise. She said she wasn't willing to give up her friendship with John because she didn't think she did anything wrong. I went and got my ring back and gave back everything she ever game me. She didn’t want to face me so I had to drop it off at her parent’s place of business and initiated no contact.
She FREAKED out when she got all the stuff I had left with her mom. Over the next 48 hours, it was message after message, call after call, leaving voicemails saying I love you and miss you, and asking me how I could just cut her out. I caved in on the third day, and it was just a back and forth of me trying to fix it and her saying she wanted to, but doing nothing to actually fix it. I got frustrated and we ultimately decided to spend some time apart, evaluate ourselves, and give it a try in a few weeks.
Well, over the next few days I found out the extent of her deception and betrayal went far beyond phone calls. It was intimate and they were definitely more than "just friends."
I ended it by telling her she was "a lying bit@#” before she hung up on me and that was the last I talked to her. That was about 20 days ago.
Like I said, I went back and evaluated everything that happened over the entire time we were together. I discovered some more deceit when someone sent me some anonymous emails from her phone regarding emails sent between her and others during our relationship. I'm pretty sure I know who it was, a coworker of hers that I’d known for a long time that she had screwed over pretty badly, but I'll never be able to prove it or I would buy them a beer for opening my eyes to who she really is.
I learned that this is a pattern of hers. She always has someone waiting in the wings. Always keeping and opening new options. When things go wrong, she establishes the foundations of a new relationship and just jumps ship. She did it to boyfriend A to B, then B to C, then C with me. The only reason she panicked was because her new relationship wasn't firmly established yet. It wasn't a sure thing yet. I caught her in the act and exposed her game before she could dump me and that threw a huge wrench in how she operates. By the time I ended it, once and for all, she was set with John and has since just disappeared. I got the last word and since, it's been no contact.
I know that the love I had was an illusion. I loved what I thought was her and not the real person. In my mind, I've already let go and logically, I want nothing to do with her. But something is missing. I never really thought heartache was a real thing but I can assure you now that it is. There's a tightness in my chest that just won't go away. It makes it difficult to breathe, eat, or sleep. It's constant.
I've done everything I can think of to help myself move on. I've been hitting the gym. I started to really do it to help when things first started to go south in November. I've lost almost 25 lbs. I’m in the best shape of my life. I went out and bought myself some new clothes, reorganized all of my things, spent time with friends, and reconnected with a lot I lost touch with because of her. But in the end, that's all just a quick fix. It only makes me feel better for a short time. There are only so many times in a day you can go to the gym, only so much you can do to move around your house, you know?
The worst part is that this all came as a complete shock. One lie caused me to look into everything and soon everything just exploded. I couldn't prepare. I reacted and I know my reaction was the right one, but still, to be with someone so long, always have them texting and calling to absolute nothing is probably the worst. My phone is eerily quiet. I just check it a hundred times a day, not necessarily to see if she broke no contact, but to see if anyone out there tried contacting me at all.
I've been through bad breakups. I've been cheated on before. I always look at it as one day at a time. You wake up and you are "down" but every day you feel better just a little bit sooner until you are back to being happy with you. But with this, everything seems to get worse and last longer. I can barely manage to eat anything. The only reason I eat is because I know I have to. I lay in bed at night, scared to close my eyes because I know I will dream about the good times or about how she just cut me out completely at the end.
I guess because integrity has always been a big part of my life, I don't understand the lies. I'm not a trusting person in the sense that I don't let people close to me easily. But as my friends would tell you, once I do let someone in, I trust them completely and they know that I would take a bullet for them without hesitation. Like I mentioned before, I handle emotions differently than a lot of others so I don't throw "I love you" around like it's nothing. If I say it, I absolutely mean it with all of my being. It just kills me to know that she could say that to me and do what she did at the same time. Now she's "happy" and I'm miserable and I have to grieve about that too.
Again, I just feel lost. The traditional remedies don't help. Everyone says just keep doing what you are doing. Time is all that's left, but time isn't helping. It's making it worse. I made her a part of my life, included her in everything about me from the things I used to do to make myself feel better to taking her to the places I used to go to just "escape" and think when I was upset or angry or frustrated.
I'm trying to get out and do new things and meet new people. I've been going out to the bars at night with friends to distract myself (I'm not drinking, personally just not my thing) but that's not my scene. New hobbies bore me. I love my job, but I can't focus and almost my entire 13 hour shift is spent alone. Not focusing at what I do is definitely not conducive to coming home safe at night. My friends, like I said, are all in long term relationships and are set in their own routines so it gets dull doing the same things over and over again. I've tried to meet new people, but it’s very hard not being a chatty person.
I'm beating myself up trying to "show her" I'm better than that. I'm trying to prove to myself that I'm not what she says about me. I'm forcing myself to stay up late even when I'm exhausted because she said I was always sleeping early. I'm going out and doing things I never did before even though I don't like to because it's the only things I didn't do with her. I'm writing long winded messages on the Internet to strangers. I’m not being me. I'm not unhappy with me. I'm actually very proud of what I've accomplished in my life. I know I have a great future ahead of me and that I have a lot to offer.
I'm no idiot. I know I'm missing the "feelings" I had in the relationship, not her. She's not on that pedestal any more. In fact, I made my list of the good vs. the bad. After looking at it, I tossed it in my fireplace. The facts spoke for themselves, and the very thought of who she is makes me sick.
Tammy’s Story
I've dated more men than women, but I fell for another woman. This is my story.
I met the narcissist at work. Her job was to solve technical issues, which brought her all around the building and eventually to me and my laptop. She was obviously and openly a lesbian and the special attention she paid to me was flattering and welcome, especially since she was attractive and 27 and I was perfectly wonderful, yet overweight and 44 years old. I had dated mostly men during my life, but had in the past had significant, romantic relationships with women, one of whom was very important to me.
It was confusing, exciting, and surreal to have this young, attractive woman hone in on me with such intensity. It was also hard to believe and sent up many red flags, as did the fact that she already had a perfectly attractive, age-appropriate girlfriend who lived, conveniently, over an hour away. And the fact that she had dated three other coworkers, all of whom had left the company. And the fact that she had been with 25 women in 10 years, none of whom remained her friend. She told me this as if she were ashamed, though it was obvious to me that she was bragging. All of this was revealed when I was already smitten. I got sucked in hard. She pretended to care about everything I cared about. She asked me what I wanted in a partner and she became it. Her attention was so welcome and intense and she slept with me almost every night. I didn’t know how much I had been missing that, but it was just so good to have someone tell me that she loved me and to sleep beside me, all of which brought back intense memories of a relationship that I cared about but destroyed me when I was her age. I was writing my own story (as we all do) and in my story, this was my chance at some sort of redemption. This was when my hard-won maturity and understanding would allow me to properly love someone, even though the circumstances weren’t ideal and I expected it to be short lived.
After 20 days she said “I can’t do this anymore.” I sobbed and sobbed and explained how much of a loss that was for me, but that I understood and expected to hear as much at some point. Then I tried to segue everything into a friendship, which was all I ever expected long term. But my sobbing and acceptance served to escalate her interest in me, or in what I now understand was her interest in controlling me. From this point on it was a painful dance of push-pull manipulation.
I didn’t ask her to leave her girlfriend, but I did ask her to “fix it.” She would imply that she was ready to make a change, but then meet me to explain her solution, which was “I would like that relationship not to affect this one.” Mostly it was a lot of me crying and trying to extract myself from the relationship, but not being quite strong enough to resist her reaction, which was to pull me in closer in every way that she could imagine. I remember wondering, “What kind of person can just sit there and watch me cry like this?” Then she’d push me away again. She became very busy at work. She no longer was telling me where she was on those nights that I didn’t see her.
Eventually her text messages started to lessen and I noticed her talking to and having lunch with another woman at work. That woman was a 25 year old who looked like a lesbian, mostly because she wore a vest. I saw them through the window walking together one day. The narcissist was focused and animated. Her head bobbed up and down like a balloon on a string. I knew immediately that I had been right about a new woman. Later, after cancelling her plans with me and then almost instantaneously inviting herself to have dinner with me and my father, the narcissist asked me to meet her and “another friend from work” for a drink.
It was the night I was supposed to give the narcissist my feedback on her memoir. It was a terrible memoir mostly about pee wee football and baseball and soccer and seducing older women and how much everyone wanted her. After reading it, I was really starting to see what I was dealing with. When I arrived at the bar, she introduced me to the woman I already understood was my new, romantic rival. And it was clear to me that she was amused to see me unsettled by the slow realization that someone I thought loved me actually wanted to hurt me. She was hurting me for sport.
I didn’t hold it against the 25 year old, who I actually found impressive in her maturity. I was polite and unnerved and I got very drunk and I ended up leaving without the narcissist, shaking the 25-year old’s hand, and writing the narcissist surprisingly rational texts all night. I never once forgot that she was a coworker. She responded as if she didn’t understand why I was upset.
It was a few days later and right after I gave the narcissist some constructive feedback on her ridiculous memoir that I was treated to true narcissistic rage. I was at work and hadn’t heard from the narcissist all day, which was unusual. When I saw her at a company gathering, she was with the other woman. The other, OTHER woman, for God’s sake and the narcissist acted as if she didn’t know me. She and the other, other woman walked around, texted each other and stood directly in front of me several times. I felt as if I had been kicked in the stomach. “What’s this?” I asked a coworker who knew the situation. “This is Jr. High School,” she said. “I’m pretty sure it’s a scene from Mean Girls. Just so you know, this would be your cue to stand up and compete. That’s how this game is played.”
I could think of nothing more humiliating than competing with a woman literally young enough to be my daughter - at work. It was devastatingly painful. The narcissist was smirking at my pain. Smirking. I was sure that she told my replacement that I was obsessed her. I had heard so many stories about so many crazy, obsessed women who wanted her, and now I’d been recast from someone special to someone to be used as a prop in her new story starring this next victim.
She wanted me to act crazy so she could woo her new conquest with stories of all the crazy women who wanted her and so she could ask the new woman for her protection. She loved to play on pity. I was devastated, but there was only one, sane course of action. I disengaged entirely. If she could set up such cruelty when I was willing to walk away quietly and be her friend, I knew she was capable of anything, including a smear campaign. I wasn’t going to give her any ammunition.
I fell into a deep depression for over a year. I felt as if she had taken a chunk of me directly from inside my middle. Although I knew it didn’t make sense and I knew I was a good person, I felt like I had been such a fool to believe anybody would love me. I felt so foolish and ashamed. I had a hole in me that I could only assume had been there all along. It was so incredibly painful to go from being the best thing in the world to being tossed away like a broken toaster.
What’s worse is that because she claimed to value everything I did, it felt like everything I valued had played a mean trick on me. I cried constantly. I lost some friends because they couldn’t understand why I was on auto-repeat. I could think and talk about little else. I couldn’t understand it either, even though it was happening to me. I isolated myself and held my head up at work.
She continued to try to lure me into painful situations, including asking me to join her at a party, as if I would be her date to an event where “some other people from work” would also be. I later found out that the other people at work turned out to be her new girlfriend. She asked me to go out with her and her new girlfriend. Luckily I never took the bait, but the fact that she continued to try to hurt me was very painful and made me feel afraid, since part of me wanted so badly to go back to the way things were, or to at least squeeze something good out of the situation, but I knew that wasn’t ever going to happen.
I walked into that relationship fairly whole. Obviously, I must have had some vulnerability to end up her prey and she made fast work of figuring out exactly what I needed and exactly what would hurt me most. But I exited broken in a way I never could have imagined and there were times when I wanted to die. But I just kept not dying and joined a support group and read everything I could about NPD, and although that all helped, my mind was still stuck in a loop because it wanted to solve a problem that wasn’t solvable. It wanted to make sense out of something nonsensical, which was that I was simply targeted by a psychopath who enjoys manipulating and hurting people for fun.
Meanwhile, while I sobbed and wanted to die, she started a relationship with yet another woman at work - One I sat so close to that I could hit her with a wad of crumpled paper if I tried. The narcissist went on as if nothing at all had happened. And I was forced from my vantage point to watch. And the narcissist enjoyed that.
It took about three years to get over a four month fling with someone I now see as a pathetic, ridiculous, attention-seeking ass-hat. But there were silver linings, including the fact that I am now friends with the 25 year old the narcissist tried to pit me against. We helped each other a lot. She emerged from her experience almost as traumatized as I did and I was able to get all of the confirmation I so desperately needed by sharing my experience with her and relating to the stories that she told me. I wish every victim of a narcissist could have that silver lining. I'm much better, but I don’t think I’ll ever be the same. That’s fine. A lot of things leave us changed forever. I still work with the narcissist, which is hard.
I’ve never discussed what happened with her and I remain polite, though she still goes out of her way to get my attention. The narcissist recently got married to a wealthy widow. They became engaged six days after meeting. I’m delighted to see that the narcissist has porked up a bit. She looks like a cross between Tony Soprano and Chaz Bono in her wedding pictures (no offense to Tony or Chaz). It’s really sad to see though, because I know it’s only a matter of time until the narcissist discards the poor woman who thinks she’s experiencing some sort of miracle. Honestly, if I thought it were possible for the narcissist to grow a soul, I’d wish that she and her wife live happily ever after - for the sake of the wife. Nobody else’s pain will lessen mine and I already have all of the confirmation I need from the woman the narcissist set me up to compete against.
Luke’s Story
I believe that narcs purposely cause trauma, confusion and pain after the Idealization Stage in order to "Farm" or "Produce" Narcissistic Supply from you.
After we split and I was no longer seen as the "Perfect" male, she couldn't let me go to another and experience something better when I had so much to offer....money, a high sex drive, good lover, etc. I accepted so much, was very patient and I took good care of her and her daughter.
But she also loved the thrill of the hunt, the new lover, the fresh supply. So she would leave me to be with another and then come back when I was chock full of supply to feed her. When she felt too settled or that she was too used to me, she simply discarded me and jumped in bed with another to feed off of him.
While I was with her, a bit of me felt that she was purposely creating drama and treating me badly in order for a make-up or supply.
I have searched and investigated so much. I found the reason we get stuck is from what happens with trauma bonding.
Our hypothalamus in our brain creates chemicals that feed our neural network and then flood our cells and bodies with them. These chemicals are HIGHLY addictive to our body. In the beginning, it’s good feeling-chemicals. Then from trauma, bad chemicals. When we go back and forth with these evil people, we are continually fed these chemicals. Our bodies, down to our cells, become addicted to the chemicals, which is why many of us get pulled in and hooked like we do. It explains why our minds are always on them. After we are discarded, and are suffering from "Narcissistic Victim Syndrome,” our bodies are still hooked on the chemicals. We go through withdrawal and actually feel pain. Nightmares, etc. But listen to this....Our bodies don't know the difference between the good-feeling chemicals and the bad-feeling ones. It just wants the chemicals. So our bodies know that thinking either good memories or bad memories will produce more chemicals. Your memory will receive a signal from your body to think about her, or a memory. Good or bad, doesn't matter. Then, your hypothalamus will produce more chemicals to feed your body. It’s a constant cycle.
So NC is the most important thing to keep, but also, to retrain you mind to never think of her and to only think of positive things.
In some ways, deep down I think these toxic people know that they are doing this to us.
The longer you think about your exN, the more your body gets used to the bad chemicals and causes you to think about her in order for it to get its "Fix."
I also think that narcs are in a constant search for the chemicals that make you feel good... the stuff that your body is flooded and drenched with in the beginning of a relationship - Dopamine, endorphins, etc. and this is their primary source of supply.
George’s Story
I owe a lot to this site and the members here. As such, I feel compelled to share some of the experience that I've gained with anyone who may stumble upon this forum like I did.
As a guy here I found myself a bit overwhelmed. This site focuses mainly on the women's perspective, and to be honest, I've never really reached out for any assistance like this before. I felt weak, confused and distant. All wrapped together, I felt like "less than a man." Let's face it, guys are not as keen about sharing their emotions as our female counterparts. I know I'm not alone in these feelings or beliefs. I'm going to attempt to break it down for guys to make the process and overcome any of these feelings "easier."
First off, read...A LOT. Know what you are talking about before really getting involved in any sort of process here. Having that confidence in your knowledge-base can make it easier to discuss the topic at hand and make it less about you. In turn, making it easier to overcome any hesitant feelings you may have about sharing. Second, you are a guy. You are tough. Your pride may take a bruising discussing your "feelings" but in the long run you will feel better, be happier, and be a more confident and well-rounded person.
Third, be honest. This is probably the easiest and the most difficult thing on this list. Nobody knows your name, where you are from, how old you are or what you look like. Be upfront and tell the whole truth and leave nothing out. That way others can understand and give you the best advice they possibly can with the information available. The hard part is that you also have to be honest with yourself. This may come as a complete shock to you, but you do have flaws. We can argue "good or bad" but chances are these flaws had nothing to do with why your relationship with a narc ended, but why it started, in the first place. Identify these things and improve upon them.
Fourth, do not shoulder the burden or blame. You are not a beautiful and unique snowflake. There are people here just like you who know what you are going through. Pardon my French, but you think your situation is fu?$#ked!? I'm willing to bet there's someone here who had to deal with the same or worse. I'm not belittling you or your situation. I'm not saying you aren't in pain or trying to diminish that in any way. No, what I'm saying, as brutally as possible, is YOU ARE NOT ALONE! If you took offense at what I said, GOOD. I got your attention and you were listening, and if you are anything as stubborn as me you needed that.
Fifth, take the anger and focus it. This has to do with the last in the sense that you at some point blamed yourself for the way things happened. We already said don't do that, but in that emptiness you will most likely find anger. Seething, limitless, unfocused rage. Anger is good. It is a fantastic motivator IF harnessed. Uncontrolled anger is just as bad as wallowing in depression. I'm speaking from experience. Use that frustration and anger to push yourself to do new things, exercise and improve upon you.
Lastly, fight. Not literally, please. I don't want anyone coming back saying "Well, George told me to beat people up." No, instead fight for you. Set goals and relentlessly pursue them. Not only will the pursuit distract you, but that sense of achievement keeps you moving forward, setting harder and higher goals. Exercise, eat healthy, pick up a hobby, and meditate, whatever. Fight for your happiness.
Tony’s Story
I caught up with a very old friend last Friday. We had lost touch over the past few years, but clearly should have been talking sooner and more often.
He has been through the exact same wringer with an NPD spouse! Only worse, since his ex seems to be more evil than mine, and they have a 7 year old daughter. But holy cow, once we got talking, our relationships were written from the same script. The minimizing our needs, and deflection to the N's, gaslighting, the lies made out of truths, the using, all of it. Our reactions as well, how our boundaries were chipped away, our unwavering support through crisis after crisis, the fact that it was one crisis after another, isolation, the works.
Wow, that my oldest friend in the world would suffer the same fate, and we weren't talking about it for no good reason. He's about a year out from the final D&D, while I'm only at six weeks. He's finally in mostly a good place aside from trust issues, and I'm still struggling.
Big turning point personally, our get together and long discussion, making me feel better about just accepting my fate, mostly. Well, it helped a lot, but it's still early days for me.
Still wound up about the betrayal and the lies. How she didn't really want me for years, but didn't want to let me go either - that's what really pains me. Every time I would question what was going on or why she was treating me so badly - immediate backpedal, apologize and reaffirm how much she loves me and how important I am to her. Yeah, now I know how important I was and why.
Kicking myself for not reading up on anxiety as soon as she mentioned that was one of her problems. Could have led me here sooner, saved some pain. Still seeing coulds and should. I know that doesn't help and I shouldn't "should."
Of course now I know that "anxiety" wasn't the problem. Anxiety was a symptom of the greater problem. Anxiety was a convenient thing for her to put the blame on so she could feel like she was still a decent person.
She would always say, "It's not that I want to do this, my anxiety makes me do it."
Well, the anxiety isn't coming from anywhere else, so it must be all you!
Jonathan’s Story
It’s been three months since the love of my life, the woman I gave up everything and moved across the county for, the woman whose 4 year old had recently asked if she could start calling me “Daddy,” suddenly decided I wasn’t very fun.
I was replaced overnight by a taller, younger, richer guy who had been trying to be my “friend” so he could get to her. I ended up alone in an extended stay hotel in a rough part of town with no non-mutual friends. I was never even allowed to say goodbye to the little girl, who, I later found out, cried for the first few weeks.
I didn’t think I’d make it through, to be honest. What pain. But, after three months, and a lot of reading and studying, I’m starting to feel how nice it is too deeply inhale some fresh air and be rid of the whole thing.
I’m sure this is a day by day thing, but to those who are just freshly out of something like this:
Don’t do anything crazy. It will pass. You have to hang in there.
Exercise. Really, this is one of the most important things. Put the focus back on yourself. And that’s not being selfish (or narcissistic). It’s just being healthy.
The thing I realize now is, that with all the harsh words said about narcissists, in the end, they are just actors (or actresses) putting on a show.
To be fair, it is a really, really, REALLY great show, and that's why otherwise rational people get hooked in.
And, when the show was over, and we were asked to leave the theater so they could seat the next showing, we took it personally. We didn't want it to end.
But that's all it was - a big show. We have to come back to reality, walk out of the theater, get readjusted to the light of day, and move on with our lives.
The Importance of Feeling
We must allow ourselves to feel. Often times, when in the midst of a breakup or divorce, we do not take the time to feel our feelings. That is because when you experience trauma, you are often in survival mode. You’re trying to keep it together for your children and/or other family members. All your energy is focused on getting through the transition. It's natural not to grieve while in survival mode. It is all a process. That is why it is so important to work The Six Steps to ensure you deal with your feelings now instead of being forced to deal with them in the future when you are not prepared.
Many people, especially men are socialized to believe that we shouldn’t cry or exhibit our emotions in any way, shape or form. We learn to repress our feelings as if they are a sign of insecurity or weakness. In my opinion, this is disastrous to our well-being.
“Primal Scream Therapy” is a trauma-based psychotherapy created by Arthur Janov, who believes neurosis is caused by the repressed pain of childhood trauma. Janov argues that unresolved pain can be brought to conscious awareness by re-experiencing painful childhood feelings or events and fully expressing the resulting pain during therapy. Janov believes this type of therapy resolves pain from the past. Primal therapy first became influential in the early 1970s, after the publication of Janov's first book, “The Primal Scream.”
Janov used Primal Scream Therapy to help patients resolve childhood pain by processing their emotions, integrating them and thus, becoming real. The goal of his therapy is to lessen or eliminate the hold early trauma exerts on adult life.
As we know, trauma can be experienced at any point in one’s life. In a relationship with a narcissist, emotional abuse causes trauma. Emotional abuse is much harder to pinpoint than physical abuse because there are no visible scars. However, emotional abuse is just as real as any other type of abuse and causes the same kind of emotional trauma. The resulting trauma you experienced cannot be ignored. Just like a physical wound, it must be dealt with and tended to in order to heal.
Janov states that neurosis is the result of suppressed pain, which is the result of trauma. According to Janov, the only way to reverse neurosis is for the patient to confront their trauma and express the emotions that occurred at that time. I agree and believe that we must confront these experiences and process our feelings about what occurred in order to move on. John Lennon said that his Primal Scream Therapy sessions with Arthur Janov in 1970 were the catalyst for his most emotionally bare album, "John Lennon/Plastic Ono Band". I love what Lennon had to say about Primal Scream Therapy in this Howard Smith Radio Interview:
“There’s no way of describing it, it all sounds so straight just talking about it, what you actually do is cry. Instead of penting up emotion, or pain, feel it rather than putting it away for some rainy day..... I think everybody’s blocked; I haven’t met anybody that isn’t a complete blockage of pain from childhood, from birth on......
It’s like somewhere along the line we were switched off not to feel things, like for instance, crying, men crying and women being very girlish or whatever it is, somewhere you have to switch into a role and this therapy gives you back the switch, locate it and switch back into feeling just as a human being, not as a male or a female or as a famous person or not famous person, they switch you back to being a baby and therefore you feel as a child does, but it’s something we forget because there’s so much pressure and pain and whatever it is that is life, everyday life, that we gradually switch off over the years. All the generation gap crap is that the older people are more dead, as the years go by the pain doesn’t go away, the pain of living, you have to kill yourself to survive. This allows you to live and survive without killing yourself." - John Lennon
It is critical for you to confront the trauma you experienced and process the emotions that are a direct result of the pain you endured. We cannot repress our feelings and we must confront what happened to us. If we do not, we will remain stuck.
“There is no coming to consciousness without pain.” - Carl Jung
I spent many years in this state, which I refer to as my dark period. Eckhart Tolle refers to this state of being as the “Pain Body.” In his groundbreaking book, “The Power of Now,” Tolle explains how the Pain Body is actually afraid of the light of consciousness. Its survival is dependent on your unconscious fear of facing the pain that lives inside you.
In other words, you will remain in a state of pain, darkness or unhappiness as long as you continue to lie to yourself and deny your reality. Resistance is what keeps us stuck in the unconscious realm. Tolle believes the more you resist the present moment, the more pain you create within yourself. 2
In my opinion, the only true path to enlightenment is to drop all inner resistance and be honest with ourselves. We must allow ourselves to feel our feelings and not be ashamed. When you give a feeling full expression, it diminishes its power and brings about a transformation. Once you acknowledge and express the feeling, it causes the feeling to subside, as it can’t go on forever. We must not be afraid to cry. It is an emotional release, which is good for us. Poets have known this for years:
“To weep is to make less the depth of grief.” - William Shakespeare
Fortunately, science is now confirming such statements. Recent research confirms that crying is good for us because it cleanses our system of toxins and waste, reduces tension and increases our body’s ability to heal itself.
Alan Wolfelt Ph.D., a professor at the University of Colorado Medical School, has measured the chemical benefits of crying and states:
“In my clinical experience with thousands of mourners, I have observed changes in physical (appearance) following the expression of tears...Not only do people feel better after crying ; they also look better.”
The kind of tears our eyes produce for moisture to remove dust or sand and the kind that we produce by crying are chemically different. Crying tears are made-up of manganese. In fact, crying tears are thirty times richer in manganese than blood is, for example. According to biochemists, manganese is only one of three chemicals that are stored up by stress and flushed out by a good cry.
In the school of nursing at Marquette University, nurses are asked not to immediately provide tranquilizers to weeping patients. Instead, they are encouraged to allow the tears to do their own therapeutic work. Dr. Margaret Crepeau, professor of nursing at Marquette states:
“Laughter and tears are two inherent natural medicines whereby we can reduce duress, let out negative feelings and recharge. They truly are the body’s own best resources.”
Studies find that men die sooner than women do after any major stressful or traumatic experience. A man’s refusal to feel his feelings and his determination to repress emotions is thought to contribute to this statistic, which lends further support to my belief that we “Gotta Get it Out” in order to heal.
Letter to the Narcissist
After sharing your story, your next writing assignment will further your ability to feel your feelings. You should now write a letter to your narcissist. As mentioned, a narcissist will never give us closure, but we can give ourselves closure by processing our feelings and allowing ourselves to feel the emotions we need to feel.
You can say anything you want in your letter. It is your letter to your narcissist to get your feelings out. You will never send this letter to her, of course. It is simply for your benefit only. It should come from your heart and has no specific requirements. You should tell your narcissist how she hurt you. Tell her how you feel. Explain what you sacrificed and what she didn’t. Do not hold back. Get it all out. This is the time to tell her everything you ever wanted to and more.
Now, please share this letter with someone by reading it aloud. This person can be a family member, a close friend, a therapist, a life coach or a member of our forum. Read the letter with conviction and authority and allow yourself to feel your feelings. You will most likely feel like crying or screaming as you read your letter aloud. Do not hold back. Allow yourself to feel your feelings.
Letter from the Narcissist
Next, you should write a letter to yourself from your narcissist. You will be writing this letter as if you are your narcissist and you are finally realizing the error of your ways. A narcissist will never come around, but that doesn’t mean we can’t facilitate the words we need to hear in order to move on. If we wait for them to say these things, we will be waiting for eternity. In the letter, your narcissist is saying goodbye to you and telling you everything you always wanted to hear.
Write the letter you have always fantasized about receiving from your narcissist. It may sound silly, but it helps. In the letter, your narcissist should acknowledge and apologize for her behavior. Have someone else read this letter aloud to you. Even though your narcissist is not saying it, the effect of hearing the words you’ve needed to hear for months, years or even decades is powerful and healing. The communication that occurs on a subconscious level will make a difference.
We must process and validate our feelings before we can move on. Repressing our feelings has been shown to negatively affect our physical and emotional health. It is absolutely critical to process our feelings if we want to improve our happiness and well-being.