We tap into the power of our mind to awaken our spirit and find ourselves again.
Whatever arises, we must not judge. We must not avoid. We must use everything that happens to us as a means for waking up. We must reverse our habitual pattern of trying to avoid pain by allowing ourselves to feel the moment and understand what it is we are meant to learn from it. We must stop looking for alternatives and cheat ourselves of the present moment.
Unlike the narcissist, engaging the ego is an OPTION for us. We must remember to let go of our ego and discipline ourselves not to escape reality. Instead, we must practice acceptance. The ego always feels threatened and always lives in a state of fear and want. Once you understand this, you must step out of it so you can.....
Get Real, Wake Up & Heal
Face your fear. Surrender your ego! When we do not run, we discover our innermost essence. Whatever arises, we do not judge. Give up the idea that pain can be avoided and have the courage to relax with the reality of your situation.
Do not avoid your personal experience thinking there is something better out there. We must totally commit to our reality. Only then do we experience the world fully. We must stop thinking we can just run away. Only when we don’t hold back and prepare to escape, do we experience life and truly find ourselves. Commit to staying in the moment. Things become very clear when there is nowhere to escape.
“We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark: the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.” - Plato
To accept uncertainty and stay with it is the path to true awakening. Sticking with uncertainty and learning not to panic or run is the path to spirituality. Accepting that we cannot control everything and everyone around us is to let go of our ego. Being pre-occupied with our self-image, what others think of our success and failure is like being deaf and blind. We lose sight of what is important and that is our relationship with ourselves. Embrace the moment and be open to what you are supposed to learn from it. Wake up and allow yourself to experience pain. It is a fundamental part of life. We think by protecting ourselves from suffering we are being kind to ourselves. This could not be further from the truth. In fact, by doing this we are only becoming more fearful. This alienates us and hardens us. We disconnect from ourselves without even realizing it. If we shield ourselves from discomfort, we will suffer.
Many people never let their guard down to love another person because they are so afraid of getting hurt. Those who live with a guarded heart are not living. They are merely existing and their existence is a sad one.
“It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” - Alfred Lord Tennyson
We must wake up and let go of our ego. We must find a balance between thinking everything has to be defined as either all good or all bad. As we discussed earlier, black and white thinking is toxic. We must learn to live in the grey. Acknowledging that life is messy and never perfect is the first step to waking up and living in the moment. It allows us to discover our innermost essence. We must learn how to allow ourselves to stay in the moment and connect with the richness of it, the rawness of it, the tenderness of it and the pain of it.
“All the world is full of suffering. It is also full of overcoming.” - Helen Keller
When we don’t close off and let our hearts break, we not only find ourselves, but we discover our kinship with all beings. This is why our on-line forum is so powerful. Connecting with others on a level no one else can and in a manner that is so raw and real is life-changing. Together, we help each other face the truth. Yes, it can be excruciatingly painful but at the same time, is absolutely essential in order to heal and move on. To me, this is the essence of waking up. Bochichista is a Buddhist term for a noble or awakened heart and describes this process beautifully.
To try to avoid pain and suffering is to live a false existence. It is a lie to tell yourself you can avoid pain. To fend off how we feel only hardens us. We should not be afraid to feel. We should not be ashamed of the love and grief it invokes in us. I would rather feel pain and know I’m alive than feel nothing. We must take it all in. Let the pain of the world touch your heart and turn it into compassion for yourself and others.
It is a process. Learning not to run away or lie to ourselves about our reality takes time. Running away is so deep-seated in us. We are conditioned so that the minute things get tough or we even think things are going to get tough, we run. The trick is to avoid running and commit to the moment....to stay there and deal with it. Instead of manipulating the situation or lying to ourselves, we allow ourselves to be with it and understand what we are meant to learn from it. It starts by learning to love ourselves unconditionally.
Let It Be
Songwriters: John Lennon & Paul McCartney
When I find myself in times of trouble
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
And in my hour of darkness
She is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
Let it be, let it be
Let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom
Let it be
And when the brokenhearted people
Living in the world agree
There will be an answer, let it be
For though they may be parted
There is still a chance that they will see
There will be an answer, let it be
Let it be, let it be
Let it be, let it be
Yeah, there will be an answer let it be
Let it be, let it be
Let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom
Let it be
Let it be, let it be
Let it be, yeah, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom
Let it be
And when the night is cloudy
There is still a light that shines on me
Shine on until tomorrow, let it be
I wake up to the sound of music
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
Yeah, let it be, let it be
Let it be, yeah, let it be
There will be an answer, let it be
Let it be, let it be
Let it be, yeah, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom
Let it be
Find Your Spirituality
I am a spiritual person, but not a religious person. The beauty of nature and miracle of life prove to me that a higher power exists beyond myself. I believe this higher power exists everywhere. We do not need to go to a church or a temple to be close to God. If that is something that helps us feel closer, then it’s a wonderful thing to do. However, I know that in order to be close to God, I do not need to be anywhere other than with myself. God is within each one of us. It is this realization that has allowed me to find my spirituality.
The kingdom of heaven is within you. (Luke 17:21)
I believe getting in touch with your spirituality has nothing to do with where you pray or to what religion you conform. Instead, it has everything to do with tapping into the spiritual potential that exists within you.
Jesus was not a magician or a performer. He was a teacher. He taught us that any person who makes the discovery of the God-like potential within him has the innate potential to be transformed by the power of their own divinity.
Jesus taught us that God exists within each one of us. He discovered his own divinity and sought to teach us how to tap into ours by getting in touch with our true consciousness. When he says “Follow Me,” he is asking us to reach within ourselves to find the high level of consciousness that he achieved. For it is in this level of being that we are truly alive. I see Jesus as the great discoverer of the divinity of humankind. He does not want to be worshipped. He wants to be followed as a teacher for helping us find ourselves and our true level of consciousness.
Ye shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free. (John 8:32)
In my opinion, this freedom is the inward motivation to tap into the raw spiritual power that resides within us. It is to harness our true potential and move in the direction of our divine good. In a way, it is like turning on a light within ourselves where we become conscious of the root of our true being and consciously make the decision to tap into our spirituality. By finding it, we are more creative, imaginative, powerful and great.
All of us are spiritual beings, whether we know it or not, whether we act on it or not. Unfortunately, in today’s world, we are more in touch with our physical being than our spiritual being. We must remember that our physical being is only a shell that holds our spiritual being and this shell is only temporary. It is our spiritual being, our soul, which never dies. We must tap into our God-like potential, that light that resides within each one of us, to live a life that fosters good, helps others and has purpose. When we are in touch with our spiritual self, we are free to do unlimited things. We see things in a different light, we tap into a creativity within ourselves we never knew existed and we draw upon a higher potential. This potential has always been within us, but it is our responsibility to find it and harness it. This is what Jesus taught us.
“For an impenetrable shield, stand inside yourself.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson
I do not believe God intended for us to fight wars and kill each other over religion. Getting caught up in this causes us to miss the whole point of his message. He sent Jesus to teach us that it is not about how we worship him, but instead about reaching deep within ourselves to find the presence of God dwelling inside us. God is within each one of us and it is up to us to tap into the power and force of his spirit. I believe the moment we understand this, a whole new level of consciousness opens up that can change our lives forever.
God is really the essence of our being...our depth. Many of us try to define the undefinable, but perhaps it’s easiest to think of God in terms of the depth of our being, our innate goodness and our divine potential.
We are all better than we realize. We have higher thoughts that we have yet to recognize.
You do not need to look “out there” to find your spirituality. It exists within you and always has. You can never be separated from God because you are an expression of God. God is within each one of us, waiting for us to harness his power. When we WAKE UP and allow ourselves to experience our true depth, we begin to truly live.
The Power of Your Mind
The human brain is amazingly powerful. Yet, until recently, we did not know how to harness its power. Thanks to recent advances in science and technology, we now know that our brains are much more plastic (changeable) than we ever thought. The concept of brain plasticity, known as Neuroplasticity, is one of the greatest scientific breakthroughs in the last decade. This field of research has proven that our brain is not permanently hardwired, but rather able to change physically, chemically and anatomically in response to our thoughts, experience and behavior. 1 This means that we can alter and heal our brain by directing how we respond to stimuli. It is a step-by-step process and takes time, but we now know we can reverse the damage caused by emotional abuse and psychological trauma. As Dr. Frank Lawlis, author of “Retraining the Brain” states: “This is possibly as great a leap forward in public health as the discovery of antibiotics and vaccines.”
When coming out of a relationship with a narcissist, it is important to remember that our minds are experiencing severe Cognitive Dissonance. As we now know, Cognitive Dissonance leads to obsessive, intrusive thoughts that impede our ability to concentrate, work, sleep, eat or function. It can often feel like we are in a fog or haze of some kind.
Our mind is not functioning properly because we have experienced psychological trauma and been the victim of brainwashing techniques.
Your narcissist used several different methods of coercion in order to control you. As discussed earlier, she threatened, degraded, shifted blame, criticized, manipulated, verbally assaulted, dominated, blackmailed, withdrew, withheld love and affection and gaslighted in an effort to make you feel as though you were going crazy.
She denied that events ever occurred or certain things were said. As a result, you doubt what you’re hearing and seeing to the point that you begin to question your sanity. This is exactly what the narcissist set out to do. She wants you to believe you are imagining things and have some kind of mental illness or faulty memory.
When we doubt our perception of reality, the narcissist is able to control us knowing we are completely dependent on them for the truth. A narcissist wants us to believe we have problems and issues only they can understand and are willing to tolerate. By doing this, we start to feel unlovable, paranoid and doubtful, which ensures our dependence on them and subsequent ability to control us. Stockholm Syndrome is a perfect example of how powerful this brainwashing can be.
It is critical we understand how we are being brainwashed and realize the only reason we feel addicted to them is because they have managed to create a false dependence within us. We must acknowledge this no matter how hard it is to accept. We have experienced emotional abuse and psychological trauma at the hands of the person we love. We have been brainwashed. The good news, however, is that we can deprogram and retrain our brain. We now know it is possible to teach the brain to react in certain ways in situations in the same manner as it is possible to teach the body to move in new ways through physical therapy. I believe this information is all we need to know in order to rest assured that we will heal from these toxic relationships. It requires effort and certainly does not happen overnight, but trust me when I tell you that you can retrain your brain so you can disconnect from the powerful hold your narcissist has over you.
Until recently, we did not realize the incredible ability we have to retrain our brain. It makes sense if you think about it though. Look how easily the narcissist was able to brainwash you without you even knowing it. She used a very subtle and covert approach at first, yet was able to manipulate you to become completely dependent on her. While you must accept that this has happened, the beautiful thing is that it is never too late to reverse the damage. It is now your turn to wake up, take back control of your life and retrain your brain!
Take Back Control
The key for my recovery has been the realization that while I cannot always control what happens to me in life, I can control how I RESPOND to it. Harnessing the power I have to retrain my brain and deprogram from a toxic relationship is what finally allowed me to heal and move on. I want to help you realize the same potential within yourself.
“It's not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change.” - Charles Darwin
Our society is undergoing a revolution in mental health with the newfound knowledge that we can retrain our brain. There are several methods on how to achieve this. Working with a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist (CBT) to retrain my brain is what finally helped me move on. In my opinion, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is the most effective form of treatment for retraining your brain.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is a type of treatment that has been around for the last forty to fifty years, but has just recently been gaining popularity. I believe it is easiest to begin explaining CBT by quoting Einstein’s definition of insanity:
“Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, but expecting a different result.” - Albert Einstein
We all are guilty of this at times. It is human nature.
However, when it becomes a destructive pattern of behavior or negative thinking pattern, we must find a way to address it, right? Well, in my opinion, CBT is exactly what is required in order to change this kind of compulsive behavior.
Exposure Response Prevention (ERP) is the most common treatment in CBT and what it does is retrain your brain to respond differently to stimuli so you can stop engaging in self-destructive behavior. The idea being that responding differently will bring about a more positive result.
Cognitive therapy teaches us not to give others the power to upset us. We can easily allow other people or events to de-rail us and cause us great unhappiness. However, remember, it is not about what happens to us but how we RESPOND to it that matters, right?
CBT is a “doing” therapy whereby the licensed therapist takes you through different mental exercises in an effort to help retrain your brain. This therapy is not easy as the exercises can be difficult and anxiety provoking at times, but it is incredibly effective.
CBT is based on the belief that emotional disturbance is caused by distorted or irrational reasoning. Humans can be influenced to think illogically. This warped way of thinking can be acquired at any point in someone’s life.
Obviously, as a result of the abusive relationship we were in, we were influenced to think illogically and doubt ourselves. We no longer trust our judgment and are experiencing severe anxiety. We have been brainwashed by our narcissist and need to deprogram from them. In my opinion, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is the most effective form of treatment for retraining your brain.
I do not suggest anyone endure the pain of recovering from a narcissist alone. I encourage you to seek professional help and attend support group meetings in your area if available. Our on-line forum is intended to assist you in your recovery, but certainly not meant to replace real therapy from a licensed mental health professional.
Whether you seek out treatment from a licensed mental health professional or certified life coach, there are certain fundamental aspects of retraining your brain that anyone can apply to their recovery program at any time. I’d like to share those with you now.
Retrain Your Brain
The most important thing to recognize when retraining your brain is that you are currently in a state of major anxiety. It is this anxiety that causes you to remain stuck and unable to focus on anything productive. You must acknowledge that you no longer want to remain in this negative pattern of thinking and will consciously make an effort to break free from it.
Webster defines anxiety as: “an abnormal and overwhelming sense of apprehension and fear often marked by physiological signs (as sweating, tension, and increased pulse), by doubt concerning the reality and nature of the threat, and by self-doubt about one's capacity to cope with it.”
The key to retraining your brain is the ability to learn how to manage and cope with anxiety. It all comes down again to:
HOW YOU RESPOND
How you RESPOND to anxiety determines your ability to manage it. Everyone experiences anxiety. It is part of the human condition. 70 percent of adults report experiencing it daily and 30 percent report their anxiety levels are constant. 3
“Things don’t change. You change your way of looking at it, that’s all.” - Carlos Casteneda
Unfortunately, we are currently in a heightened state of constant anxiety as a result of the emotional abuse we experienced in a toxic relationship. We need to focus on retraining our brain. Heightened and prolonged anxiety can lead to obsessive-compulsive disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, panic attacks and other phobias.
The key to retraining our brain is to: DESENSITIZE OURSELVES by controlling HOW WE RESPOND to anxiety in our lives.
“We are born into this world unarmed - our mind is our only weapon.” - Ayn Rand
Manage Obsessive Thoughts
Here is what is happening in your mind when you experience anxiety:
Fear and stress trigger anxiety, which create noise and chaos that your brain cannot resolve. It is this noise that keeps you stuck and spinning in obsessive thought.
The key to stop obsessing is to prevent yourself from responding to the thoughts that cause you to obsess in the first place. You see, obsessive thoughts are a direct result of anxiety. Compulsions are what we do to try to reduce the anxiety....hence...obsessive-compulsive behavior.
Unfortunately, we think engaging in a compulsive behavior will lessen the anxiety, and it might initially, but it is only temporary. In fact, responding only increases the anxiety in the long run. Why? Because responding to the anxiety or obsessive thought in any way, shape or form only intensifies it. It validates it. We must not validate the thoughts.
You can observe the thoughts, but do not judge. Do not try to wish the thoughts away either because it will only cause you to think of them more. Do not fight your thoughts. To do so only creates more obsessive thought. Allow your thoughts to happen, but do not validate or judge them in any way. Laugh at the thoughts, dismiss them, but do not fight them off. Instead, simply observe, but do not judge or respond to them. To ignore them decreases their power.
Please allow me to forewarn you that I am going to be purposively redundant in this upcoming section, but understand I simply want to be sure you realize the incredible power you have to manage your thoughts.
The key is not to control WHAT you think (that is impossible).
The key is to control how you RESPOND to what you think.
The key to managing all anxiety is learning how to RESPOND to it.
For example, we have an anxiety provoking thought....
We have a CHOICE in how we RESPOND to it...
We judge and analyze the thought, thereby giving it significance, causing our mind to obsess and get stuck there...
Or
We do not judge or analyze the thought, thereby desensitizing ourselves to it and allowing our mind to move on.....
It is all in how we RESPOND
OBSESSIVE THOUGHT OR ANXIETY OCCURS....
RESPOND BY OBSERVING IT AND NOT JUDGING IT
= RELEASE IT & MOVE ON
OBSESSIVE THOUGHT OR ANXIETY OCCURS....
RESPOND BY JUDGING IT AND ANALYZING IT
= OBSESS MORE & GET STUCK
By controlling how we respond to our anxiety, we control our ability to manage it. For example, if we respond impulsively by trying to numb the anxiety or avoid it, we only increase the power and hold the thought has over us. However, if we respond with no judgment, we slowly desensitize ourselves to the fear, thereby lessening the control it has over us.
Simply observe the thought and realize that thoughts do not define you and are not a part of you. They are simply thoughts. Look at the obsessive thoughts as a separate entity and you will be able to distance yourself from them. The thoughts will always come. We have no control over that. Do not fight that. If you fight that, you're only setting yourself up for failure. It's like telling people not to look at the “elephant” in the room. Everyone is going to look, right?
Do not fight the thoughts or tell yourself not to think of them. Instead, you simply control how you RESPOND to the thoughts when they occur......because trust me, they will occur. You cannot prevent yourself from thinking thoughts. You can only control how you RESPOND to your thoughts. In my opinion, that is the fundamental key to successfully managing anxiety.
Everyone gets unwanted, intrusive thoughts. Yes, everyone. However, those who have not been brainwashed or emotionally abused do not over-analyze or judge these thoughts the way we do. They let random thoughts roll-off of them. They may just laugh and say, "Ha, what a strange thought" and then move on.
Unfortunately, this has become difficult for us to do because we are experiencing Cognitive Dissonance and possibly PTSD. As a result, we over-analyze and obsess about every little thought that pops into our mind. As I’ve said before, this is precisely what the narcissist counts on. If we feel paralyzed to act, confused by our thoughts and doubtful, we will never leave them. This is where the narcissist wants us... under their control... asking them to clarify what is truth and what is reality.
I am often asked by readers if obsessing about their narcissist means they belong together.
Absolutely not! Thoughts of your narcissist do not mean you still love her, need her or should be with her. Thoughts of your narcissist simply mean she has managed to manipulate you to obsess over her and should be further proof that you need to deprogram from her.
Please know it means NOTHING that you are still thinking about your narcissist. It is not a sign that you should be with her. Like I said, the only thing it means is that she did an exceptional job of brainwashing you.
You must accept that you will have thoughts in the future about your narcissist that you would rather not have. They were a significant part of your life. It is natural to still think about her. In fact, it would be unnatural if you never thought of her.
You cannot control thoughts that come to mind. Memory is memory. Once created, it cannot be erased. However, the good news is you can control how you will RESPOND to the thoughts that pop into your head and that is the key to reducing your anxiety. You must not fight off thoughts of your narcissist because they are going to arise. The key is not to judge the thoughts or respond to the thoughts when they do arise. If you respond to the thoughts in any other way but indifference, you give them power and start the cycle of obsessive ideation.
So the key is not to fight the thoughts. Simply observe the thoughts. It is how you RESPOND to the thoughts that matter.
Try not to even think of them as your own thoughts but simply "intrusive thoughts" that prevent you from getting in touch with yourself. Looking at them in this way is helpful because the less you identify with the thoughts, the more quickly you can get back to your real self. The obsessive thoughts are just trying to distract you from feeling what you need to feel and doing what you need to do.
We can take back control. We can deprogram and begin to trust ourselves again. The key is not to judge your thoughts or give them any weight. The minute you judge a thought, you give it more power. The important thing to remember is a thought is a thought. That is it. You need not over-analyze it or judge it.
A member of our on-line forum put it very well when she said:
"It's ok to revisit places we have been in our lives (in our minds) but just don't throw out the anchor and stay there.”
And you know what the anchor is? You know what causes you to get stuck?
When you:
JUDGE OR ANALYZE the thoughts.
The MOMENT you judge or analyze your thoughts is the MOMENT you.....
ANCHOR THEM & GET STUCK.
The longer you hold the anxiety, the heavier it will feel.
Thoughts are random. They don't define us. We cannot control them. They don't mean anything. There is no hidden or deeper meaning behind crazy thoughts or memories. In fact, some thoughts may even frighten you, but they are nothing more than white noise trying to distract you from having a REAL RELATIONSHIP with YOURSELF. We will always have intrusive, unwanted thoughts. Everyone does. The good news is that we have a choice in how we want to RESPOND to these thoughts. Remember, life is not about what happens to us, it is about how we RESPOND to what happens to us.
Practicing this has helped me tremendously. I finally have peace of mind I never thought was possible. The thoughts still come, but by choosing how I will respond to these thoughts, I have reduced the power and the hold they have over me. I prevent myself from responding to the thoughts in any way that will intensify their strength.
They are only thoughts after all. Thoughts cannot hurt me, but how I RESPOND to my thoughts can hurt me. Being paralyzed with anxiety over thoughts is no way to live life. It prohibits us from truly living and experiencing all life has to offer.
Thought Replacement
At one time, we thought there was a single memory system in the brain.
Thanks to recent advances in science and technology, we now know that memories are formed in a variety of systems and can easily be divided into two major categories:
Conscious Memory (i.e. explicit factual memory systems)
and
Unconscious or Subconscious Memory (i.e. implicit emotional memory systems)
We know that narcissists operate only in a world of explicit memory where emotions are non-existent. They have excellent explicit memory, which includes the details, the how to, when, where, and what of a situation or event. However, they have horrible implicit memory, which is always triggered by an emotion via a sense of smell, touch, taste, etc. As discussed earlier, narcissists are incapable of bringing forth emotional memories, only factual memories.
It is important to understand the difference between the two types of memory when trying to get over a narcissist. The reason is simple. Our emotional memory is extremely powerful and by learning how to harness its power, we can dramatically improve our quality of life.
We respond to events in our life based on images and memories we have stored in our subconscious. We can change how we respond to certain events in our life by engaging our subconscious. I believe our subconscious (i.e. emotional memory) drives all of our behavior. Therefore, learning how to tap into its power has amazing benefits.
To give you an idea of how powerful the subconscious is, compare it to the rate at which we speak. Our subconscious operates at a rate four times faster than we can speak. This is how we can multi-task, walk and chew gum at the same time. It is also how something we were trying to remember a few days ago suddenly pops into our head out of nowhere.
Have you ever forgotten someone's name or title of a movie? You can't think of it and tell yourself that you'll think of it later. When you do remember, it's while you're doing something completely unrelated. You weren’t even thinking about it, but for some reason the name or title popped into your mind out of nowhere. Well, that is your subconscious mind at work. It never rests. It is always at work.
Psychologist, Joseph M. Carver Ph.D. helps us understand how “Emotional Memory Management (EMM)” enables us to manage our emotions in a way that will produce more POSITIVE outcomes for us.
The key, of course, is managing how we RESPOND to our emotions.
We all know what memory is, but in the past we thought this memory simply contained data much like a computer maintains a system of files. New studies in psychology and neurology now tell us that the files not only contain data and information, but emotions as well. In a manner that is still not fully understood, our brain stores the emotions of an experience as they occurred at the time the memory was made.
As a result, memory files contain two parts: the information about the event and the feeling we had at the time the event occurred. Therefore, when we remember an event, we experience the same feelings we had at the time of the event. It is critical we understand how this impacts our behavior and the choices we make.
We experience a variety of emotions throughout a typical day. A specific area of the brain will hold memories for about five days. After this period, memories that are not important are typically erased and will never be recovered. A memory is important if it has a strong emotional impact on you and will hence be stored in your brain. Over time, we create a large file system of memories that consist of both positive and negative emotions.
Our brain pulls these memory files constantly without us even realizing it. According to Carver’s research, our brain has the ability to pull memory files both on purpose and by accident. The good news here is that we can control what memory file we pull by selecting our thoughts. Perhaps even better news is the newfound knowledge that the brain only allows one emotional file out at a time.
According to Carver’s research, the brain will focus on anything we choose, which means that we can choose which emotional file or tape we want to play. Even more significant, in my opinion, is the fact that the brain will only allow one emotional file or tape to play at a time. This means, if you decide to pull a different emotional file, your brain will completely go along with that idea.
Carver explains that the brain doesn’t care which file is active. He compares it to breathing and explains that the brain operates in automatic just like when we breathe. It will automatically pull files throughout our day, just like breathing occurs without having to focus on it. However, in the same way that we can control our breathing by slowing down our inhale and exhale, we can also control our emotions by controlling what memory file we select.
When the brain operates in automatic, the files it pulls are influenced by our mood. Therefore, if you are depressed and your brain is on automatic, it will pull negative files that reinforce this mood. The key finding in this research is the discovery that we have the ability to change our mood or attitude by choosing which emotional file we pull.
As my best friend and very wise mother always says:
“Make it a great day or not. The choice is yours!”
She raised a happy family and founded a successful elementary school on this wonderful mantra, influencing generations of future students.
Realizing that we can influence our quality of life by choosing how we RESPOND to the things that happen to us is a huge discovery. It proves we really do have a choice. Based on this research, I believe if you use the formula below when you are obsessing about your narcissist or stuck in a pattern of negative thinking, it will help you move on to more productive and healthy thoughts.
Negative Emotional Memory File is Pulled...
- Causing you to think of your narcissist and potentially get stuck in a negative thinking pattern
Stop!
Replace with Positive Emotional Memory File...
- Enabling you to replace the negative thinking with positive thinking and move on to more productive behavior
Positive Thinking
The power of positive thinking is huge. We have heard it all before, but I would like to expand on why I believe this to be true. I’m sure you have heard the saying, “We are what we eat,” right? Well, I also believe that “we are what we think.” If we choose to think positive thoughts, our lives will evolve accordingly. If we choose to think negative thoughts, a cycle of negativity will result.
It is critical that you understand you have the ability to influence the direction of your thoughts. I view depression as anger turned inward, which is a direct result of years of uninterrupted negative thinking patterns. The key is to INTERRUPT the negative patterns of thinking by replacing them with positive thoughts. Sounds pretty simple, doesn’t it? Well, it is, but it does take time and dedication.
Depression develops over time so it may go without saying that it can take the same amount of time to recover from depression and break the pattern of negative thinking. The brain can heal itself after trauma, but it requires time. You can break the negative patterns of thinking by forcing your brain to strengthen other areas of your brain that are not related to memories of your toxic relationship.
If we think positively, endorphins and other pleasure-related substances are released, which strengthens a positive feedback cycle of thought, rather than negative. In this way, we do have the power to retrain our brain. The knowledge that we can restore our brain’s capacity to engage in healthy thinking patterns again is very reassuring. We must remember that anxiety is something we all experience. We cannot avoid it. It is part of the human condition. The key is learning how to RESPOND to anxiety.
“Learn to select your thoughts the same way you select your clothes every day. Now that's a power that you can cultivate.” - Richard in “Eat, Pray & Love
Doing something positive to manage anxiety is a healthy coping strategy. Trying to feel better by drinking alcohol, dwelling in negativity or hoping anxiety or depression will simply go away will only lead to worsening symptoms. Practicing different methods of relaxation is an effective means of managing anxiety. Listed below are additional ways we can retrain our body and mind to respond to anxiety in a manner that is healthy and productive.
Create
One way to break negative patterns of thinking is to create something or start a new hobby. The more challenging the better because you want to occupy more resources in your brain towards learning something new rather than thinking about the past. When you are not actively thinking about your narcissist, the neuronal networks in your brain related to negative memories are not being strengthened. We can alter our own thought processes by using very simple methods and exercises.
Creativity allows us to express our emotions in a way nothing else can. Now that you no longer avoid feeling, start to celebrate the power of your emotions by expressing yourself creatively.
Dr. Stephen Diamond says creativity “is one of humankind's healthiest inclinations, one of our greatest attributes,” and explains that our impulse to be creative "can be understood to some degree as the subjective struggle to give form, structure and constructive expression to inner and outer chaos and conflict.”
Create your own prescription for promoting happiness. Whether you write poetry, paint, make pottery and crafts, knit, choreograph a dance, perform in a play, compose a song or simply put pen to paper to write something, to create makes us feel good!
Exercise
Exercise has been linked to positive mental health in numerous studies. Physically, exercise releases feel-good brain chemicals (neurotransmitters and endorphins) that ease depression and lift our overall mood. Exercise reduces immune system chemicals that can worsen depression. It increases our body temperature, which has a calming effect.
Next time you’re feeling anxiety, cope in a healthy way and choose to respond by working out and getting physically active. Research on anxiety tells us that the physical and psychological benefits of exercise can help reduce anxiety and improve mood.
Psychologically, exercise helps you gain confidence by challenging you to meet goals. Getting in shape makes you feel better about your appearance. Working out is a wonderful distraction that can get you away from the cycle of negative thoughts that feed anxiety and depression.
By exercising, you can take your mind off your worries and give yourself time to think about how to respond to anxiety in the most productive manner. Remember, we all experience anxiety. The key is learning how to RESPOND to it. Exercise can also help anxiety and depression from coming back once you’re feeling better.
I can personally testify to the fact that working out can help you relax and feel better. I find kick-boxing to be a wonderful outlet for stress and aggression. I’m addicted to the endorphin-rush of working out. It has an enormous positive effect on my psyche.
Music
Whether I play it, sing along or dance to it, music is like food for my soul. One of the best ways I have found to stop my brain from getting stuck in negative patterns of thinking is to turn on or play my favorite music.
”Music is the movement of sound to reach the soul for the education of its virtue.” - Plato
The type of music that helps one person relax may be completely different from what helps another person relax. Whatever your preference, research shows that music significantly reduces anxiety and nervous system arousal. 4 The body responds to rhythmic, soothing movement. This is why yoga has become such a popular form of exercise and explains why people enjoy dancing so much. Moving your body to a beat is extremely calming and enjoyable.
“In music the passions enjoy themselves.” - Friedrich Nietzsche
I spent the winter of 2009 cutting an album with the MHB Band in a studio in Chicago. I recorded 10 cover songs by my favorite female vocalists and one song I co-wrote with William Ellis and Robin Grant of Nashville. Without a doubt, it was the most cathartic experience of my life. I created a tribute to it and the people who helped me create it at www.gottagetitout.com/ and will always cherish it. I have a piece of artwork above my piano in my home that sums up my sentiments exactly:
“Music is What Feelings Sound Like”
Have you ever started crying when you heard a song that reminds you of someone from your past? That's your subconscious. The subconscious is where all of our emotion and creativity is stored, but we rarely tap into it. Often times, we avoid it. I believe if we harness the power of our subconscious we can help manifest our dreams to create a better life for ourselves. Music is the most effective and enjoyable outlet that allows me to do this. I highly encourage you to explore it as a means for expressing and ultimately finding your inner voice.
Breathing Techniques
“There are over two thousand organs and hormones that can be affected positively or negatively in a manner of minutes by shifting your breathing patterns,” states Dr. Frank Lawlis, author of “Retraining the Brain.” I’m sure you have heard that taking quick shallow breaths increases your anxiety. The reason for this is because short breaths signal to the brain that a threat exists, which automatically stimulates a stress response that leads to destructive patterns of thinking. On the other hand, taking deep breaths tells your brain all is well and allows you to relax.
One model of breathing I have found to be very effective when responding to anxiety is what Dr. Lawlis refers to as “Circle Breath.” The idea is to keep a steady exchange of air inhaling and exhaling, creating a circle of airflow through the lungs. This should be done in a relaxed manner utilizing imagery. When inhaling, you should imagine positive and nurturing air entering your body and mind. While exhaling, you should think about releasing all the inner toxins and negative patterns of thinking into the air. Essentially, you are inhaling positive vibrations while exhaling toxic energy. 5
Meditation
Meditation has been practiced since ancient times as a component of numerous religious traditions and has recently gained a great deal of empirical evidence to support its effectiveness.
According to Wikipedia, “Over 1000 published research studies support the fact that various methods of meditation have been linked to changes in metabolism, blood pressure, brain activation, and other bodily processes. Meditation has been used in clinical settings as a method of stress and pain reduction.”
The aim of meditation is to bring inner peace within our self by changing our thoughts from negative to positive. By focusing within our self and tapping into our spirituality, we learn to transform and nurture the natural qualities within. Meditation is a self-healing process. The person who meditates gains a wonderful sense of their true self.
There are numerous styles of meditation practice. Since everyone responds to methods of meditation differently, I will not attempt to prescribe one technique over another. However, I highly recommend finding a form of meditation that works for you.
Meditation allows your mind to settle inward beyond thought to experience the source of thought - known as true consciousness, mindfulness or pure awareness. In this state, we are most in touch with our innermost self and feel most at peace.
“Within you there is a stillness and a sanctuary to which you can retreat at any time and be yourself." - Hermann Hesse
During meditation, we must allow ourselves to simply be and not fill in the space with outside noise or distraction. We must learn not to impulsively fill the empty space with our usual compulsions. Learning how to meditate is truly transformative for when we have seen ourselves completely, we no longer get jumpy or restless or need to keep busy. A thoroughly good relationship with oneself results in being able to be still in silence.
Massage
Our bodies are hardwired to need touch, but I don’t recommend jumping into a new romantic relationship right away. You need to take time for yourself to heal. Therefore, get a massage from a professional or buy something you can use to massage yourself. The act of touch and massage releases endorphins and neurotransmitters like serotonin making you feel better physically and emotionally. Treat yourself to a massage or hot bath. You will be amazed at how much it relaxes you and reduces your anxiety.
Connect with Others
I believe we are all inter-connected. It is especially important during recovery to reach out to others. We only hurt ourselves when we disconnect or withdraw. Humans cannot thrive in isolation. When we connect with others we discover our kinship with one another. We realize we are not alone and others can relate to our pain. Our struggle seems less insurmountable because we have others who understand what we’re going through. Talking to others who can relate is the best form of therapy I have ever found, which is precisely why I created our on-line forum at www.ThePathForwardNow.com/.
Give Back to Others
Helping others is rewarding and fulfilling. I am dedicated to building awareness on the devastating effects of being in a relationship with a narcissist. It gives my life purpose and meaning. There are many ways to give back and help others and I encourage you to do so as you grow stronger in your recovery.
The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.” - Mahatma Gandhi
Celebrate Your Success
Positive reinforcement is necessary in order to implement any long-term change. Thanks to science we now know that retraining the brain is possible, but keep in mind the brain must experience positive reinforcement in order to fully integrate any significant change. We must enjoy what we are doing in order to continue doing it. If one coping strategy does not work for you, do not force yourself to continue it. Try another method. Everyone is different and what works for one person may not work for someone else. Keep trying until you find a strategy that you truly enjoy and can embrace. Celebrate success at every opportunity. Positive reinforcement must occur if any of these changes are going to last.
There is no overnight cure to repairing the damage caused by long-term emotional abuse and trauma in a relationship. If anyone tells you otherwise, please be cautious. In my opinion, any program that promises to fix you overnight or in a few quick sessions is exploiting victims. The key to any learning is repetition, time, practice and steadfast commitment.
The power to change is yours and yours alone. No one can take this gift from you, but you must treat it as a gift. Never take it for granted. Harness it and take control of this miraculous power you possess.
Learning how to cope with anxiety in a healthy way will allow you to start living and feeling again. Believe me when I tell you, I am living proof that it is possible to retrain your brain so you can stop negative obsessive patterns of thinking and start living life.