I wake up nose to nose with Frankie. I’d forgotten how peaceful she looks when she sleeps, even with smudged eyeliner and a big fat graze on her chin. Her face is soft and serene, her eyelids smooth, her lips gently parted, her hair curly from the rain.
The room is silent. The storm must have finally passed.
I wonder what time it is. I sit up. Ram’s makeshift bed on the floor is empty.
‘Over here,’ a voice says.
I look to my right.
Ram is sitting on the floor next to Albie’s cot.
It was gone 3 a.m. when he turned up at the club, full of apologies, his hand in a bandage. His car keys locked in the hotel, we ended up getting a cab, all four of us stuffed in the back seat, silent with exhaustion.
Back at the hotel, I’d fallen asleep the moment my head hit 324the pillow, all the sleepless nights of the past few weeks finally catching up with me.
‘Hey,’ I say softly.
‘Hey.’
‘How long have you been up?’ I ask.
‘A while,’ he replies. ‘I couldn’t really sleep.’
‘What time is it?’
He checks his phone. ‘Just before seven.’
‘He’ll be awake soon,’ I say, nodding at Albie.
‘Yeah?’
‘Yeah. For his feed. He’ll go back down after it, though.’
Ram nods.
We sit in silence for a few moments, our eyes trained on Albie as his chest rises and falls. I glance at Ram. He’s transfixed.
I have so much I want to express but no idea what to say first. It all feels too huge to even consider putting into words.
‘Look at his eyes,’ Ram says. ‘The way they’re flickering. Do you think he’s dreaming?’
‘Yeah, maybe,’ I say, drawing my knees up under my chin and wrapping my arms around my legs.
‘What about, do you reckon?’
‘Milk,’ I say decisively.
Ram smiles and looks back down at Albie, wonder in his eyes. ‘He’s amazing,’ he says.
‘I know.’
‘I can’t stop looking at him.’
I smile. I’m familiar with that feeling.
‘I’m serious,’ Ram says. ‘I’ve been staring at him for like an hour now and I legit haven’t got bored.’ 325
I tell him about the night I went up to the Special Care Baby Unit, how I held Albie for so long my arm went dead.
‘He was poorly when he was born?’ Ram asks, his eyes soft with concern.
‘Low blood sugar,’ I explain. ‘It was easy to fix, though. He was on the ward with me within a day.’
‘There’s so much I don’t know,’ Ram says.
‘I know. I’m sorry. And I’m sorry you had to find out like this,’ I add.
He considers this for a moment. ‘At least I know now,’ he says. ‘That’s the important thing, right?’
‘I guess.’
There’s a pause.
‘Frankie told me about your mum and stepmum.’
‘She did?’ I ask, swallowing hard.
‘Yeah. Last night. You were asleep.’
‘You must think I’m the worst person in the world,’ I say.
He frowns. ‘Don’t be stupid. I mean, the idea of you going through with it is awful, but I get why you were tempted.’
‘You do?’
‘Yeah. A baby is a big deal and what they were suggesting must have sounded appealing, especially at first, when everything was brand-new and extra-scary.’
‘I wouldn’t have gone through with it,’ I say. I think I knew this all along, deep down, but it feels a relief to admit it out loud.
Ram smiles up at me. ‘I know. And I’m glad. We’re in this together.’
‘Are you sure?’
He looks confused. ‘Of course. Why do you ask?’
‘But what about uni and stuff? What about becoming a lawyer?’ 326
I remember our conversation back in the utility room on New Year’s Eve – the way Ram’s chest puffed out and his voice glittered with pride when he talked about his career plans.
‘I can still go to uni and be a dad at the same time. Just like you can still go to the Arts Academy and be a mum.’
He makes it sound so simple, so manageable, like it’s just a matter of sorting out a few logistics.
‘You really think we can make it work?’ I ask.
‘Why? Don’t you?’
‘I don’t know,’ I admit. ‘I like to think I can do anything but …’ My voice trails off.
‘I know it’s not going to be easy,’ Ram says. ‘It’s going to be really fucking hard work and we’re not going to be able to do it alone, but we’re smart people, Jojo. Surely we can make this work if we put our minds to it.’
‘You know,’ I say slowly, ‘I didn’t realize it at the time, but I think part of the reason I took off with Albie yesterday was to test myself.’
Ram cocks his head to one side. ‘How do you mean?’
‘To see if I could do it – if I could look after Albie all by myself. Mum and Stacey have spent the last three weeks telling me it’s impossible, that I’d be hopeless without them. I guess I wanted to prove them wrong, prove myself wrong.’
‘And? Have you?’
‘I think I’ve done an OK job.’
Ram glances at Albie then looks back up at me. ‘I think you’ve done more than an OK job, Jojo.’
I shrug, embarrassed by his praise.
‘I mean it,’ he says. ‘You’ve been really brave.’
‘I don’t feel brave. If I’m honest, I feel like I’ve spent the last three weeks in a near-constant state of terror.’ 327
‘Isn’t that kind of the point, though? It only counts as bravery if it scares the shit out of you.’
I smile gratefully.
‘Can I ask you a question?’ he adds.
‘Sure.’
‘If you’d found out you were pregnant earlier, say within the first few months or something, what would you have done, do you think? Would you have gone through with it?’
I hesitate. Mainly because this is something I’ve thought about a lot since Albie was born.
‘You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to,’ Ram says when I don’t respond right away.
‘No, no, it’s fine,’ I say. ‘Honestly? No, I don’t think I would have gone through with it. In fact, scrap that, I know I wouldn’t. And that’s been kind of hard to get my head around, because right now I can’t imagine life without Albie in it, but the fact is, I never planned on getting pregnant at sixteen. And I think that’s OK, you know? For both those things to be true at the same time; for both paths to be right.’
He nods.
‘I would have told you,’ I add. ‘Whatever I decided to do, I would have wanted you to be a part of it.’
‘And I would have supported you,’ he replies.
‘I know.’
‘Can I ask you another question?’ he adds.
‘OK.’
‘It’s about his name. Why did you choose Albie? Don’t get me wrong, I like it, it really suits him, I’m just curious as to why you picked it. I mean, it’s not like it’s really common or anything.’
Picking the name was one of the few things Mum and Stacey 328let me have ownership of. In hindsight, part of me wonders if it was compensation, a little something to keep me sweet.
‘After all,’ Stacey said when I revealed I’d already come up with a name, ‘lots of older siblings help pick their little brother or sister’s names.’ Just the memory of her saying this makes me wince.
‘Jojo?’ Ram prompts. ‘You OK?’
‘Sorry,’ I say. ‘In my own world for a second there.’
‘That’s all right.’
‘The truth is,’ I say slowly, ‘I named him after your dad.’
‘My dad? What do you mean?’
‘Albie. It’s short for Albanaz.’
Ram’s entire face slackens and for a moment I’m worried I’ve made a terrible mistake. ‘Seriously?’ he says.
I nod, my cheeks heating up once more. ‘Is that … OK?’
He pumps his head up and down. ‘Jojo, it’s … it’s perfect.’
Right on time, Albie begins to stir. I let Ram go ahead and pick him up, sitting on the bed and watching as Ram cuddles him to his chest. Together, we prepare his bottle and change his nappy. And it feels nice to have him by my side. More than nice.
For maybe the first time since Albie was born, I don’t feel like I’m doing this alone.