Jonathan brushed a piece of lint off his suit, took a deep breath, and walked into the church. It had taken everything in his power to summon up the courage to come. He’d been beating himself up over his failure with Roderick. He’d had to take a couple of days off from work to process how the situation could have gone so horribly wrong.
“Here you go,” the usher standing at the door said, handing Jonathan a program. Roderick’s smiling face filled up the center.
The family was already seated. Mr. Hurst and Rodney sat with their broad shoulders slumped. A woman dressed in all black sat between them, rocking back and forth as she mumbled incoherently. That had to have been Roderick’s mother. Jonathan wondered if her intuition had told her anything about her son’s unhappiness. Jonathan’s own mother had known something had been eating at him, and she had even tried to get him to open up a couple of times, to no avail.
Jonathan didn’t know how he endured the entire service. It had to have been one of the saddest funerals he’d ever attended. Rodney seemed to be taking the loss the hardest. It broke Jonathan’s heart to hear the way he sobbed and kept saying he was sorry for not protecting his brother.
The family led the crowd out of the church after the service. Jonathan followed them to the cemetery where they laid Roderick to rest. As soon as the graveside service was over, Jonathan tried to slip away, but Rodney spotted him.
“Mr. Jackson,” Rodney said, running over. His eyes were still bloodshot, and he looked utterly worn out. “I need to know, did Roderick ever say anything to you? It just doesn’t make sense to me. Why would he do this?”
Jonathan couldn’t help it. He took Rodney into his arms and let him release his pain.
“Rodney,” Mr. Hurst said, approaching them with his wife by his side. “Get over here, boy.”
Jonathan could only shake his head. Even in this man’s time of grief, he was being a jerk.
“No, Dad, I need to know,” Rodney said, pulling himself out of Jonathan’s embrace. “I need to understand why.” He turned back to Jonathan. “Mr. Jackson, was my brother gay? Is that why he did this?”
“Of course not!” Mr. Hurst snapped. “Stop saying such nonsense.”
Jonathan wished that he could give them the answers they wanted. But instead he said, “Honestly, I don’t know. I don’t think your brother even knew. I just know he was battling some inner demons. He was so unhappy. He hated that everyone else thought he was gay. He hated the teasing. I just think he felt like …” Jonathan’s eyes met Mr. Hurst’s and he couldn’t finish his sentence.
“You just think what?” Rodney said.
Jonathan swallowed. “I think he felt he was a disappointment to his parents and to you,” he told Rodney.
“But I loved him. He was my twin brother,” Rodney said, swallowing the lump in his throat. “I loved him just the way he was.”
“I know, but the problem was, Roderick didn’t love himself.”
“What could I have done differently?” Rodney said, wiping his eyes with the back of his sleeve.
Jonathan didn’t tell Rodney that he’d been asking himself that same question for the past week. “I don’t think you could’ve done anything differently. I just think that he was so unhappy that all the bullying and the teasing made his life unbearable.”
“Maybe I should’ve hit them more often,” Rodney said. His brow furrowed like he was contemplating who he was going after next.
“Rodney, you fought as hard as you could. You almost got kicked out of school from fighting so hard. That wasn’t the answer. Roderick just had issues he couldn’t work through.”
“You trying to say my son was gay?” Mr. Hurst bellowed. “Is that what you’re saying?”
Jonathan couldn’t believe that after everything that had happened, that was the only issue Mr. Hurst could focus on.
“I don’t know whether he was gay,” Jonathan repeated wearily. “All I know is he wasn’t who you wanted him to be, and that caused him turmoil you can’t imagine.”
“So, you’re trying to say this is my fault?” Mr. Hurst said, his voice losing its edge.
Jonathan looked at the man sympathetically. “Absolutely not, Mr. Hurst. All of us can stand here and ask what we could have done differently. I’ve done it. Maybe I should’ve counseled him despite …” He let his words trail off before continuing. “Maybe I should’ve seen some signs. Maybe I should’ve made him talk to me. We could say maybe’s all day long. But the reality is that Roderick reached a breaking point.”
Mrs. Hurst finally stepped forward. Her hands were clutched in front of her, wringing a worn Kleenex. “Did my son know that we loved him? Just please tell me that he knew that.”
“He knew that, Mrs. Hurst. And I don’t think he planned to do it. I think he made an impulsive decision brought on by the stress. Please understand, this is not a clinical diagnosis. This is just my opinion. I think he brought that gun to school to fight back, and turning it on himself was an impulse.”
“Do you have any idea where he got a gun?” she asked.
Jonathan shook his head. They’d questioned everyone, and the only clue was a student who’d reported seeing Roderick talking to a neighborhood thug a few days earlier. “I’m sorry, I wish I could give you some answers.”
Mrs. Hurst dabbed at her eyes. “I know people have been giving you a hard time. But keep doing what you’re doing.” She glared at her husband. “Keep helping children who aren’t living up to what people think they should be.”
Jonathan weighed her words. How could he help others when he was confused himself? Especially now that he’d been unable to help Roderick. But her words touched his core. He’d managed to establish a relationship with his own son by keeping his personal issues separate. Why couldn’t he do the same with his job?
Mrs. Hurst patted his cheek. “I know you had stopped counseling Roderick. But I also know why.” She glared at her husband again. “But please go back to doing what you were doing. I know Roderick isn’t the only lost soul out there, and many of them have no place to turn.”
Jonathan nodded. Her words gave him strength. “I will, Mrs. Hurst. I promise I will.”
She smiled sadly, took Rodney’s hand, then walked away. Mr. Hurst kept his head lowered as, for once, he followed in the rear.