The bitch, the bloody, bloody trollip. The stinking wretch, so common, so vulgar, filth from Foulsham, how dare she! To my blood! Why did she have to come and ruin everything! To me, a full Iremonger. To accost me in the street. If we were back in Foulsham now I’d have her turned just like that, she’d be nothing but a button and how I’d like to hold that button in my own hands, the horrid clay disk, how I’d like to do that. No, no, I’d crush it under my boots, I’d smash it to powder with my hard heels, I’d dance on its dust. No, no, I wouldn’t, for that wouldn’t be enough at all, would it now. I’d put it in my mouth, that’s what I’d do, I’d feel it on my tongue, I’d get a taste of it, and then, then I’d bite it! I’d crack it to bits with my canines, and then I’d grind it with my molars till it was nothing and mixed with my spit, I’d swallow the dirty dust down deep through me. Into the lovely land of Pinalippy! It’d be bullied and blotted out and quite thoroughly extinguished by all the insides of Pinalippy Lurliorna Iremonger. Yes! Yes, I say! That’s how I would do it! I would, I swear it by Umbitt Iremonger himself, I’d so do it! But … but … but I can’t, because there is no Foulsham left, it’s all gone upside down. What sense can you ever make of the world if a common servling, a rag picker, a mere dirt-child bred for the heaps, can so stop me in the street? The world’s been pulled inside out, and all must do as best as they can. Where have all the rules gone? Oh I so miss the rules!
‘I am an Iremonger!’
Perhaps I said that too loud. Perhaps I did. Can’t hear anyone coming though. Oh it’s so dark in this park, so deep and dark, so all-encompassing dark that I can’t even tell if I’m heading the right way. I must go on through Hyde Park, that’s what Otta said, and then when I come out the other side I am to look for a large statue of the Queen’s dead consort, the Albert Memorial, then I should nearly be there. Oh, but it’s so dark.
What was that? I thought I heard something, something rushing along in the dark. Stop. Be quiet, very quiet. Hear anything? Nothing, nothing. It’s just you’re upset, Pinalippy, you’re upset a little, that’s all it is, nothing more than that, you must get on, run along now, there’s nothing there, keep going, perhaps, after all, a little quicker. You’re just a little upset. Of course I’m upset. She’s gone and taken the plug from me.
The bloody plug!
Oh!
Oh!
How could you have let her! Clod’s plug! Oh! Clod’s own plug. Should’ve given it to him, shouldn’t you. Whilst you still had the chance. Thought about it. Yes I did. He heard it this morning.
Oh how could you have lost the plug? How could you have done such a thing? I’ll tell no one that I ever had it, no one at all, and then they shan’t know. But they do know already! Rippit knows you stole it! He was trying to get it from you. Oh Rippit, the murderer. He would have murdered the Pin just now, given half a chance. But Umbitt will understand, when I tell, when I tell him all about the Gatherings, he’ll be very pleased with me then, he’ll be so pleased. He’ll get me married, Westminster Abbey I shouldn’t wonder, with all pomp and ceremony, with all fanfare and gloriousness, Clod and I in high splendour. I’ll be head of the family one day, course I shall, it’ll be me choosing the birth objects for people, handing them out. Yes it will. Well done, Pinalippy!
What was that?
Oh that was certainly something!
‘Is it you, Rippit? Is it you? We are blood, I beg you to remember that. Rippit? Rippit?’
No one there.
Are you sure, are you really sure?
No, couldn’t say for sure.
Wind?
Yes, maybe just the wind, the wind in the trees. Oh, when will this park ever end? Once I find the statue then I’m nearly there. I feel so turned around, I feel like I’ll never get out of here. No! Don’t you dare think like that.
Bitch took it from me.
You took it from Rippit.
Rippit was given it by Umbitt.
Umbitt was delivered it from Unry.
Unry found it and brought it back to us.
It escaped from Bayleaf House in human form.
In human form it came with Umbitt to Foulsham on the train.
As plug, Umbitt took it from Clod, turned Clod coin and plug human.
Clod had it, first of all, before any of this, baby Clod was given it by Ommaball Owneress.
Oh what a history of a plug. It’s a veritable nuisance, that plug is. Shouldn’t be put up with, should learn to keep still. Should be given a good beating. No it shouldn’t. How I miss that plug. I so liked to have it with me, it made up for my doily.
But now she has it, and if she’ll get it to him then he’ll love her for it all over again. He must never see her, he must never know that she’s alive but how, oh how to stop that flameheaded wretch? How to snuff her out permanently?
It’s so dark. If only there was a little light.
What I’d give for a lantern, for a box of matches even.
Wait!
Stop right there!
Not another step, Pinalippy.
Oh Pinalippy, brave girl. Smart as a Pin! You have it, you’ve had it all along. The matches, her matches. Matches that were once a bleak school teacher named Ada Cruickshanks. Oh! Oh! The answer to both my worries.
Question: How to light my way a little in this dark park?
Answer: Strike a match.
Question: How to dispose of Lucy Pennant, the flaming thief, permanently?
Answer: Why, I refer you to my former answer – strike a match. And another. And another. Then she’ll turn like any Lungdoner.
I take the matchbox out, how it rattles. Something in there.
Take out a match. Strike it! How it flames, Lucy lucifer coming to life, look how the little light dances in my hands, a little warmth it gives, even. How it does cheer me in so many ways! Ha! Ha!
But perhaps, if there’s anyone here, then they shall see you by her little light in the darkness. Well, they may I suppose, but I’m not stopping, I’m not stopping till I’ve lit them all and let them burn all the way down to nothing. I’m turning her to ash as I do it, I’m writing her off. Goodbye, Lucy Pennant, I’m striking you out.
Two matches gone, well then have another, do, and light our progress through this dark path.
Yes, there we are, that little light of Lucy, coming to life and coming to death all of a moment. Strike! Strike! Strike another. Oh Clod Iremonger, you shall never see her again. Strike, strike all away!
He loves me, I say as the flame burns down. (Not that I care, in truth.)
He loves me not. Not this time, do try another.
He loves me!
He loves me not.
He loves me! I’m skipping along now, this park will be over very soon.
And last one!
He loves me! He loves me!
Out goes the little light, that’s it. All matches gone. How the dark comes on! Yet he loves me! He loves me, of course he does, what’s not to love? Give it a shake, make sure that’s it. Oh, hang on, there’s another match, it’s stuck to the side. Pull it free, and strike home!
He loves me not.
What? But he must, he does, I’m sure he does, he kissed me! There must be another match, there must be! There isn’t. And now it’s so dark.
Something moving. Over there! I definitely heard that. No doubting this time. What ever is it? There it is again.
‘Otta?’ I whisper. ‘Is that you, Otta?’
I look up, something huge there in front of me, of great size, but human shape. Someone huge! It must be the statue. It must be Prince Albert’s statue! I’ve made it! I’ve come out the other side.
But the statue, if statue it is, is moving, and statues don’t move, everyone knows that!
Oh!
I’ll never tell Umbitt.
Oh!
It’s enormous!
Oh!
It’s taken the matchbox from me.
Oh!
BANG!
Oh, Pin! Shot! Blood! Blood! How it hurts …