Sometimes it is really hot in my room. Sometimes it is really cold. It has been cold for a lot of days now. Every morning I wake up I feel the cold. I stay in my bed, under my blankets all day, most days. Once I have my books – and Bozy – that is okay. I read my books to Bozy all the time. He likes them as much as I do. His favourite is Pirates in Pyjamas. My favourite is The Enormous Crocodile.
I have thirty-three books. Eight of them are by a man called Roald Dahl. I would like to be a writer like him one day. I am going to write a book called Bozy’s Adventures. I have asked Dod to bring me some paper to write a book on but he hasn’t brought it to me. He keeps forgetting. But he is kind. Sometimes. He brings me lots of different books. I love books. I am thinking about going over to get The Enormous Crocodile to read it again but I don’t want to get out of the bed. It’s too cold. Then the door opens and Dod walks down the steps. I know if he is going to be good Dod or angry Dod from how he comes down the steps. I think he is good Dod today. He is walking properly. He is not falling against the walls.
‘Everything okay, Betsy?’
‘It’s cold, Dod.’
He makes a noise but I don’t know if he said anything. I don’t know if I should say something back. Sometimes he gets angry if I don’t talk back to him. But I don’t think he wants me to talk back to him this time. He is just looking around my room. He rubs his hands together.
‘I’ll get you another blanket or maybe a duvet if I can find the time to buy one.’
‘What is a duvet?’
‘It’s just a heavier blanket for your bed.’
He is definitely being good Dod today. I see him put his arms around himself and shake a little bit. That’s what I do when I’m cold too.
‘Come in.’
I open up the blankets on the bed. He looks at me. Then walks over and gets into my bed. I put the blankets over him and high up to his chin. He laughs a little bit. I really like it when Dod laughs. He doesn’t laugh many times.
‘Would you like to read me a story?’
He looks at me and then he nods his head. That means yes.
I reach under the blankets and pull out the first book I can feel.
‘This one.’
It is a Peppa Pig book called Daddy Pig’s Big Chair. I used to like it but I think I am a big girl now and don’t need to read Peppa Pig books anymore. But it is okay. Because reading is fun all the time. And if Dod is reading, then it is even more fun.
‘Daddy Pig’s Big Chair.’ Dod laughs again when he opens the book.
Before he starts to read I say something. I only say it because Dod is happy and I like it when Dod is happy.
‘My Daddy had a big chair too. I miss my Mummy and my Daddy sometimes.’
He closes the book and then gets out of the blankets and off the bed. Oh no. I think he is angry Dod now.
‘What have I fucking told you, Betsy? They’re gone. They’re not your parents anymore.’
He throws Daddy Pig’s Big Chair against the wall and it makes a big noise.
I go under my blankets. Dod has never said that before. He never said they’re not my parents anymore. Why is he saying this?
‘You fucking mention Mummy and Daddy again and I’ll hurt you, you little bitch. Do you hear me? Do you fucking hear me?’
I can’t see him. My face is under the blankets. But he takes the blankets off the bed. His face is really red. This is bad. When his face is red he is really, really angry Dod. I am frightened. Frightened and cold. I am shaking so much.
Dod lifts me up. He holds me in the air. He is shouting but I can’t hear what he is saying. He throws me against the wall. I land on top of Daddy Pig’s Big Chair. My back and bum hurt. Really, really hurt. I don’t want to cry but I can not stop it. I start to cry really loud. Dod picks me up again.
‘Shut the fuck up crying, Betsy, or I swear to God I’ll fucking kill you.’
I stop crying. Well, I stop making crying noises. But tears are still falling down my face. I wipe them away and then he throws me again. But this time it doesn’t hurt. He throws me on the bed. Then he bends down. He takes my hands away from my face and looks at me.
‘Are you okay, Betsy?’
I shake my head. And then rub my hands against my back.
‘Show me.’
He turns me around and pulls up my top. It’s really sore.
Then he runs up the steps. I want to cry again but I don’t. I hold up Bozy and give him a hug. That makes the pain go away a little bit.
Dod runs back down the steps. He has a bag with him. He turns me around and then lifts my top again. He puts the bag on my back and it is really cold. Really, really cold. It makes me laugh. Then Dod laughs.
‘I’m so sorry, Betsy.’
He lies me down in the bed and then gets into the bed too. He puts the blankets over the two of us.
‘Betsy. I have something to tell you. Do you know what heaven is? Has heaven come up in any of your books?’
I shake my head.
‘Heaven is a place you go after you die. When people stop being alive they die.’
‘And then they go to heaven?’
‘Yes. And that’s where your Mummy and Daddy are, Betsy. They are in heaven.’
I turn my head to look at Dod. I’m shaking again. Even though I’m under the blankets.
‘My Mummy and Daddy are not living anymore?’
Dod kisses me on the nose.
‘You’re so clever, Betsy. Yes – your Mummy and Daddy are not living anymore.’