Dod drops four new books on my bed. I crawl out from under my sheets and give him a hug. I wrap my arms around the top of his legs. Squeeze him tight. Then I pick up the books and smell them. It’s the first thing I do every time he gets me a new book. My favourite smell in the whole world is books.
The first of my new books that I look at is called The Letter for the King. It says on the back that it is ‘suitable for eight-year-olds’. I’m only seven but I know I can read it. I’m so good at reading. That makes me lucky. Because I am good at my favourite thing to do. I look at the other books. A Series of Unfortunate Events. That looks good. The Wind and the Willows and then… yes! – another Roald Dahl Book. Matilda. I turn around and squeeze Dod’s legs again.
‘Thank you.’
He doesn’t say anything. Just smiles. He has been smiling so many times when he comes to see me these days. I haven’t seen angry Dod in a long time.
‘Ah for fuck sake.’
I stand still when I hear him say that. I wonder what I did wrong. Then I turn around slowly.
‘Not you. Not you, Betsy. Just this… fuckin…’
He likes to say the word fuck or fucking a lot but I don’t really know what they mean. They’re never in any of my books. I guess it just means Dod is angry. I turn around. He is looking into my basin. Into where I wash and pee. And poo.
‘You’re filling this a lot lately.’
He lifts it up. It looks heavy. Heavier than the other times he has had to lift it up before. Then he walks up the steps.
When I first came to this room I had to pee and poo on the floor. Then Dod brought me a box to go toilet in. Then he brought the basin. I think that was two years ago now. Yeah – when I was about five, I think. I’ve been living here for about three years. A little bit more. Sometimes I wish I lived in a place like the one Charlie Bucket from one of my favourite books lives in. It says in the book that he is poor and his family don’t have many things. But I think he has everything anybody would ever need. He has his Mummy and Daddy. And he has his granddads and grandmothers. I only had grandmothers in the outside world. I think both my granddads were dead. They must be in heaven now with my Mummy and Daddy. I hope they are having fun. Sometimes I wish I could go to heaven to be with them. But I have to wait until I die. I don’t know how long that will be.
‘Betsy.’
I look up. Up the steps.
‘Betsy.’
Dod is calling me from the top of the steps. He has never done this before. I can’t really see him because the light behind him is too bright. He is like a shadow. Then he takes one step down and I notice his hand. It is waving me to come up the steps. I take one step forward. Then I stop. I’m afraid. Dod gets really angry when I go near the steps. I don’t want him to be angry. Even if he is calling me. I don’t know what to do. I turn around. I grab Bozy.
‘C’mon, Betsy. Come up. It’s okay.’
I squeeze Bozy and then walk onto the first step. I look up and wait for Dod to shout at me. But he doesn’t. He is just waiting for me at the top. Then I walk onto the second step. Then the third. And fourth. Dod is still quiet. I close my eyes. That way, he won’t get angry if I see anything. I don’t think I’m allowed to see what’s up the steps. I walk up the rest of them. All thirteen. I know there are thirteen. I count them every day.
Dod puts his hands on my shoulders when I reach the top.
‘It’s okay, Betsy. Open your eyes.’
I do. I open them wide. But it’s too bright. It hurts my eyes a bit. It smells different up here. In my room it is mostly the smell of poo. Except for when I smell my books. Then the poo smell goes away for a few seconds. But up here smells like… I don’t know. Different. Nice.
Dod keeps his hands on my shoulders and walks me down a room that has a brown wood floor. It’s nice. It looks a lot nicer than my stone floor. More flat. Then he makes me turn around. I still can’t see much. The light is too bright.
‘This is my downstairs toilet.’
I blink my eyes until I can see more clear. Then I see white walls with a big white bowl. It makes me think of my Mummy and Daddy’s house. We had a big white bowl like that too.
‘You can do your pee and poo in here.’
Dod opens a lid on the big white bowl and I look into it. There is a little bit of water in it.
‘What do you mean?’
‘If you need to poo or pee just knock on the door and I will let you come here to do it.’
I look up at Dod. I am a little bit scared.
‘Am I okay to walk up the steps and knock on the door?’
Dod laughs a little bit.
‘Yeah.’
‘And you won’t get angry. Won’t turn into angry Dod?’
Dod laughs again. This time louder.
‘You’re becoming a big girl now. I can’t be carrying that basin up and down the steps all the time. You can pee and poo in this, and see here…’ He points at another white bowl. It’s like the first one. Just a bit smaller and a bit higher up. ‘You can wash yourself some mornings in this one.’ He turns the shiny bit on top and water comes out. I think of my old house again. Mummy and Daddy’s house. I think they had the same bowl too.
I smile a big smile. But I am also a bit scared. I’m afraid of being up the steps and inside the light rooms. I turn around and look at Dod. He is smiling too. I notice another bright room behind him. It has a big blue chair in it. I wish I had a chair like that in my room.
‘No looking in there.’
Dod says that a bit angry. But then he smiles again. I don’t know what to do. So I just squeeze Dod’s legs.
‘You’re welcome.’
He bends down towards me so that his nose is close to my nose. There’s always a bad smell when his face is close to me.
‘But there’s one condition. Anytime you’re up here, you need to be really quiet okay?’
I nod my head.
‘And I mean really fucking quiet. If you ever raise your voice or make any noise up here at all, I won’t just hurt you. I will kill you.’