I like looking at the pictures on my wall. Dod let me hang the pictures with something called Blu Tack. They are pictures from the magazines he buys me. Some pictures are of girls. Some pictures are of boys. I like the picture of a girl called Christina Aguilera the most. She looks pretty. She has yellow hair and orange skin. I put that picture over my bed. I look at it when I wake up in the morning and then look at it before Dod puts the light out at night and I have to go asleep. My bed is nice. I remember the first night I slept here. I only slept on a small bed with a cushion and a blanket. It was really cold. I cried all that night. I don’t cry so much anymore. Sometimes if I can picture Mummy and Daddy in my head and they almost become real I will cry. But it’s hard for me to picture them as if they are real anymore. When I close my eyes I want to see them. I want them to become real. But it is not easy. Most times when I close my eyes I see the people who I read about in my books. Dod brings me lots of magazines and books.
I have fourteen books now. I counted them yesterday. One book I have teached me how to count. One book teached me all about shapes. One book teached me all about the farm. One book teached me all about the park. I used to go to a park with Mummy and Daddy. It had swings and a slide in it. Just like the park in my book. But I haven’t been to a park since I got here. I haven’t been outside at all. Haven’t been out of the house. Haven’t been out of this room. I did go up the steps once when Dod left the door open but when I got in to another room he just rushed me back down the steps. It was bright up there.
Sometimes people come to Dod’s house. He says I have to be very quiet when they come. He says if I’m not quiet he will hurt me real bad. So I just read my books. Sometimes Dod reads them to me. He hugs me on the bed and puts his fingers in my hair and reads to me. I like that. Sometimes I am scared of him. Sometimes he is really nice. I always know when he is coming. There is a small light that I can see under the door. And when he comes to the door the light goes away a bit. It’s gone away now. He’s coming.
‘Happy birthday to you.
Happy birthday to you.
Happy birthday, dear Betsy.
Happy birthday to you.’
He has a cake and there are light sticks on it. He brings it over to my bed. Then he sits on the bed and smiles at me. He is being nice today.
‘Blow out the candles.’
I look at him.
‘What is candles?’
He makes a blow on the light sticks and the light almost goes away.
‘Go on, blow.’
I do the same. I blow really strong and two of the lights go out. Then I do it again and the other three go out.
‘Happy birthday, Betsy.’ He kisses me on the cheek and then puts the big cake on the bed. I read the cake. It says ‘Betsy’. And then a big number five. Dod walks back up the steps and then comes back down carrying a box.
‘Am I five?’
‘Yes, Betsy. You are five today. It’s your birthday.’
‘Am I a big girl now?’
‘Yes, Betsy. You are a big girl now.’
‘Does it mean I don’t have to hold Mummy and Daddy’s hands anymore?
Dod doesn’t say anything. He just hands me the box. It has red paper all over it. I should be happy. But I am thinking about holding Mummy and Daddy’s hands instead. I told them before that I didn’t like holding their hands. But I want to be holding their hands now.
‘Open it.’
I look at Dod.
‘Rip the paper off… here, let me help you.’
Dod begins to rip the red paper and then I help him. The box has pictures of a slide on it. It is a yellow slide. With a blue ladder. Dod is smiling. He must really like this slide. I smile too.
‘A slide?’
‘Yes. A slide that you can have in here. You can pretend it is like being in the park in your book.’
Dod pulls the box open and then takes out the big yellow slidey bit. Then he takes out the blue ladder bit and gets down on the stone floor. He tries to put them together so I can climb up the three blue steps and slide down the yellow slide. I should be looking at him and being really happy. But I am looking up at the door. Dod has left it open.
‘Don’t look up there, Betsy.’
I look back at Dod. He is not smiling anymore. He is just trying to put the slide together. Maybe I should be happy that it is my birthday and Dod bought me a cake and a slide. But I am not happy. I am thinking about Mummy and Daddy. I am thinking about what presents they would get me for my birthday.
‘Ah for fuck sake!’ Dod seems really angry. He throws one of the blue steps against the wall. ‘My fucking thumb.’ He kicks the slidey part. ‘Stop fucking looking up there. Didn’t I tell you, Betsy? Never look up those steps when the door is open. You little shit.’
Dod picks me up and throws me on to the bed. The cake falls off.
‘I’ll hurt you, Betsy. You do as I say.’
Dod puts his thumb in his mouth and sucks it. Then he turns around and runs up the steps really fast and closes the door. It gets all dark again. I put my hands all around the bed until I find Bozy. Then I lie back under the covers with Bozy and we hug each other. This is what I do when Dod is angry. Hug Bozy. Bozy is my best friend. When we are scared, we sing.
‘Twinkle, twinkle little star…’