Kelly woke to find Ryan gone from bed. She rolled to check the clock on the nightstand and realized why she was alone. It was after nine and Ryan would have long since gone into the office.
When they’d returned from St. Angelo, Kelly had moved into Ryan’s room. It wasn’t as though a big production had been made. He’d simply carried her luggage into his room. And when it was time for bed, he’d carried her to his bed.
And she’d stayed.
How easily they’d fallen back into a comfortable routine. Just like before.
Before, it had been easy to take for granted the rapport between them. The comfort and trust. She hadn’t known then as she knew now how quickly things could be broken.
Even now she questioned how it could have happened.
There was always an excuse, a reason. He hadn’t loved her enough. He hadn’t trusted her. Their relationship was too new to weather something so difficult.
But no matter the reason, the end result had been the same. When things had gotten difficult, their relationship had crumbled like stale bread.
It didn’t speak well for their future.
But she wouldn’t think of that right now. Sure, it was stupid of her to allow herself to have such faith in him. But hope was a powerful thing. It made a person willingly blind to the truth.
She kept telling herself maybe this time…
Maybe this time they would truly get things right. Even if it meant forever bearing the burden of having the man she loved think she’d betrayed him with another man. His brother.
So many times she wanted to confront him. She wanted to try again to make him listen to her. Make him hear the truth. But each time she bit her lip because what purpose would it serve?
He might not believe her. He might. But would it change anything in the past? Would it change their future?
It wouldn’t even make her feel any better because she knew the truth. Ryan believed she’d lied to him but he wanted to forget and move on. Was she an idiot to want more than that? Was she stupid to want him to know how wrong he’d been?
It was a dilemma that plagued her every single day that she and Ryan were back together. Part of her wanted to make him listen and to demand that he accept that he’d been wrong if he expected her to give this whole thing another shot.
Another part of her told her that her pride and her anger were barriers to her own happiness.
Wasn’t a life with Ryan what she ultimately wanted? Did it matter how she achieved that goal?
She stared up at the ceiling as she lay in bed.
Yeah, it did. It really did. She couldn’t go through their life together knowing it was in the back of Ryan’s mind that she’d slept with someone else when she’d promised to be faithful to him.
She had to accept that what she really feared was that when she did confront Ryan, he’d reject her all over again, and if that happened, she knew she couldn’t spend her life with someone who didn’t trust her.
She was a coward, but it was the cold, hard truth that fear was what held her back. Not pride. Not anything else. She knew that if he didn’t believe her this time they could never be together.
Not wanting the weight of anxiety to bear down on her today, she shook the bleak thoughts from her mind and crawled out of bed. She padded into the living room to see that Ryan had turned the fire on for her.
To her further surprise, she found a breakfast tray waiting for her on the table with bagels, cheese and an assortment of fruit.
But what caught her eye was the tiny pair of yellow baby booties.
She picked up the soft, fuzzy little booties, her throat knotting as she read the accompanying card.
Because you said you didn’t have a pair yet. Love, Ryan.
She sank into the seat, her eyes stinging with tears. She held the booties to her cheek and then touched the card, tracing the scrawl of his signature.
“I shouldn’t love you this much,” she whispered. God, but she couldn’t help herself. She craved him. He was her other half. She didn’t feel whole without him.
And so began a courting ritual that tugged on her heartstrings.
Every morning when she crawled out of bed, there was a new present waiting for her from Ryan.
There was a baby book that outlined everything she could expect from birth through the first year of life. One morning he left her two outfits. One for a boy and one for a girl. Just in case, he had written.
On the fifth morning, he simply left her a note that told her a gift was waiting in the extra bedroom.
Excited, she hurried toward the bedroom she’d once occupied and threw open the door to see not one present but a room full of baby things.
A stroller. A crib that was already put together. A little bouncy thing. An assortment of toys. A changing table. She couldn’t take in all the stuff that was there. She didn’t even know what all of it was for.
How on earth had he managed to sneak this in without her hearing?
And there by the window was a rocking chair with a yellow afghan lying over the arm. She walked over and reverently touched the wood, giving the chair an experimental push.
It creaked once and then swayed gently back and forth.
Already her feet protested her being up, so she moved the blanket and sat, staring around at the room full of treasures for their child.
She had been more tired in the past couple of days, but she’d been careful not to worry Ryan. He’d worked so hard to make each day special for her.
If possible, she had fallen more deeply in love with him than ever before.
Tonight was the dinner with his friends and his mother, but even that couldn’t dim her excitement or her happiness. And maybe that had been his plan all along. To take extra measures to make sure she knew that he supported her against any possible animosity or disdain.
It had certainly worked, because she couldn’t imagine anything they could do or say that would make the cloud she walked on evaporate.
Ryan cared about her. He wanted to marry her. What else mattered?
She hugged that thought to her later as she picked through her clothing, trying to find the perfect outfit to wear to the dinner.
Before, it wouldn’t even occur to her that an outfit was too sexy or revealing. If it looked good on her, and if she knew Ryan would like it, that was her only criteria.
But now she worried that with the sentiment already being that she was a…slut…she would merely perpetuate that belief if she wore anything that wasn’t ultraconservative. And that pissed her off. She shouldn’t care what these people thought of her. But it wasn’t that easy. They were important to Ryan and Ryan was important to her.
Warm hands suddenly stole over her body, sliding around to her belly. She was drawn into a hard chest and sensual lips nibbled at her neck.
She sighed and relaxed into Ryan, her pulse speeding up.
“Is there a particular reason you’re standing in your closet staring at your clothes?” he murmured against her ear.
She turned and laced her arms around his neck as she rose up on tiptoe to kiss him. “You’re home early.”
“Couldn’t wait to see you. So what’s with the closet?”
Her lips twisted into a frown and she let out a disgruntled sigh. “Just trying to find something to wear tonight. Something that doesn’t make me look like the tramp they think I am.”
Ryan’s expression gentled and he trailed a finger over her cheekbone. Taking her arms, he backed out of her closet and toward the bed until the back of his legs bumped against the mattress.
He sat down and pulled her down with him.
“You’ll look beautiful no matter what you wear. Stop worrying so much.”
“I know. It’s silly. I can’t help it. I’m nervous.”
“I don’t want you to worry, Kell. The past is in the past. I don’t know that I’ve ever said the words, but I forgive you. And if I can forgive you then they should be able to do the same.”
She went completely still. Pain jolted through her chest as if someone had stabbed her. Not that she knew what it felt like but it couldn’t be worse than this.
He forgave her.
For something she’d never done. For something he refused to believe she hadn’t done.
It took all the strength she possessed not to react, not to lash out. He hadn’t said it to hurt her. but he couldn’t possibly imagine how much she was bleeding inside right now.
He was trying to do the generous thing. He was trying to make her feel at ease.
He kissed her gently on the brow. “We both made mistakes. I’m not blameless. The important thing is that we never let what happened in the past happen again.”
Numbly she nodded. She didn’t trust herself to speak. What could she say?
She closed her eyes and leaned into him. He hugged her to him and rubbed his hand up and down her back. He offered comfort. He thought she was worked up about tonight. How could he possibly know that his “forgiveness” made her want to die?
He eased her to the side until she was perched on the edge of the bed and then he stood and walked into the closet. After a moment, he returned with a gorgeous, midnight-blue dress. He held it up and smiled.
“This one would look fantastic on you.”
She struggled to collect her shattered senses and pretend that nothing was wrong.
“It’s awfully…clingy,” she said. “I’d look eleven months’ pregnant in it.”
“I love your belly,” he said in an ultrasexy voice that sent shivers down her spine. “I love that this shows the world you’re pregnant with my baby. You’ll look gorgeous. Wear it for me.”
There wasn’t a woman alive who could refuse a request like that. She nodded silently, her heart aching all the while.
He laid the dress carefully on the bed and then bent down to kiss her once more.
“I’ll leave you to get ready. The driver will be here for us in an hour.”
She clung to him a little longer than was necessary but he didn’t seem to mind. He touched her cheek as he pulled away and then walked toward the bathroom, loosening his tie as he went.
She stared at the dress. It was a fabulous creation. And it would definitely highlight her pregnancy, something Ryan seemed very keen on.
She closed her eyes. He forgave her. She wanted to weep.
It should be her who had to offer forgiveness. Not him.