To live with sexual betrayal is to live with deceit. Deception means to cause a person to believe what is not true, to mislead, betray, delude, or dupe. When your partner is engaging in sexual behavior that violates the values of your relationship, he will go to great lengths to conceal his behavior. In that process, his deception involves falsehood or the deliberate concealment or misrepresentation of truth.
To mislead means to lead into error, but not invariably with the intent to harm. His behavior is not intentionally meant to harm you. More likely than not he has deluded himself by believing you will never know, and if you don’t know, you will not be hurt.
To betray implies a faithlessness that brings another to a disadvantage or into danger. This faithlessness puts your relationship on an unequal playing field. Instead of an equal partnership, you are set up for a “one up” and “one down” relationship, with you being the “one down.” Without honesty, your relationship is based on an illusion. While betrayal puts your relationship in jeopardy, it can also create physical danger for you with unsafe sex practices and/or the rage that comes from jilted lovers.
To delude is to mislead to the point of rendering another unable to detect a falsehood or make sound judgment. Your partner, as if a magician, has become a master of deception.
To dupe means to delude another by playing upon that person’s susceptibility or naiveté. Time after time your partner has relied on your naiveté, your need to want to believe him, and your fears of what it means to know the truth.
To live like this is traumatic to your whole being.
When Deceived was first published in 2009, it was one of the first books to speak to female partners of men who were acting out sexually in an addictive manner. At that time, the language within the professional field of those working with the addicted and their partners emanated from an addiction model. While I and other early pioneers were addressing the trauma of betrayal, we did not have the language and depth of knowledge about trauma responses that have more recently been validating and critical to the partner in his or her healing. In the past few years the emphasis for healing and recovery is much more steeped in treatment that acknowledges and responds to the traumatic stress and betrayal of trust experienced by partners.
This trauma and betrayal experience is now reflected in the new subtitle for Deceived: Facing the Trauma of Sexual Betrayal. You have been deceived, time and time again, and that is traumatic to your very being. And while you are addressing the lies and secrecy that come with deception, the impact of the trauma needs to be validated and articulated. The words “trauma” and “betrayal” afford that, therefore, in this edition, I will incorporate more knowledge about trauma and trauma responses as well as changing language so that it can enhance and acknowledge the partners’ recovery process.
As the trauma lens has been incorporated into the treatment for partners, the phenomena of one’s codependency has been challenged. Yet as you read, you will see that some of the women in this book, while recognizing their trauma, also find value in their understanding of codependency. In lieu of choosing an either/or framework, they recognize that what has occurred in their relationship has been traumatic and, for some, not all, prior to the trauma of sexual deception, they engaged in what was previously considered codependent behavior and thinking. When referring to their codependent behavior, they are referring to self-defeating behaviors they learned growing up with addiction, abuse, or an otherwise impaired family system. These behaviors included discounting their own needs, learning to not show feelings, or to not trust others. It basically says you learned certain traits as a part of your survival growing up. It was what you did to bring safety and security to your life. But to continue these behaviors in adulthood only interferes with healthy self-care and the ability to be healthy in a relationship. With that meaning, this phraseology is validating.
In my book, Unspoken Legacy: Addressing the Impact of Trauma and Addiction within the Family, published in 2018, I reframe what was learned in a troubled family as being traumatic and much of what has been identified to be codependent is in fact a trauma response. What makes the early life experiences often traumatic is that you are subject to chronically hurtful experiences at the time in your life when you are developing your sense of worth and identity.
In Deceived I follow the stories of six women who worked together in a recovery group. They came to feel such power in community that they called themselves the Women of the Lodge. A handful of years later they are no longer together as a group, but continue in their recovery in various communities. I chose these particular stories as collectively they address the many variations of possible scenarios. You will also read the words of other unnamed partners and at times the words of the addict.
In my work with these women I saw them grapple with self-esteem, self-worth, and dignity at a level I had never before encountered. Was this because of the particular women I worked with? Possibly, but I think not. I think the nature of betrayal they experienced and their profound personal histories, coupled with the safety they felt in the group to claim their voices, allowed them to be authentic with each other and be true to themselves. All of these women came together as a force, and they soared. In their anguish, they cried and they were angry—oh so angry. They laughed and they loved; they bolstered one another; they laughed some more. They came to love and support each other in ways they had never previously expressed or experienced. The common denominator was simply that they each had a partner who was acting out sexually. Some of them had partners who became strong in recovery; others had partners who were never serious about recovery. Whatever their individual circumstances, some women stayed in their relationships, some ended up leaving, and some went through a divorce they did not seek. But each moved forward in her life and benefited greatly through the community of others she found in her healing process. As I continue to meet partners today, I see the same pain, the same strengths, and the same desire to find safety to be able to make decisions about their life and to move forward.
While these women had partners who did pursue treatment that may not be true in your situation. Whether or not he is willing to get help you are left with the trauma of the betrayal. Nonetheless, you can get help on your own. Your healing, which may be about trusting your gut, your self care, and boundary setting, can begin.
Today more men, both heterosexual and gay, and more lesbian partners are identifying their partner as a sex addict. In this book it is not feasible to discuss the nuances and differences in the many types of relationships, but betrayal is betrayal, and we are all human. People want honesty; they want fidelity. They want trust. While I have only used heterosexual female voices, my hope is that others will find pearls in the humanness of this difficult experience.
Everyone’s story is unique and you may not see your exact circumstances but my hope is that you will nonetheless feel both validation and a sense of hope from which you can garner a life that will move you forward.
As you read through Deceived, I encourage you to take a pen, pencil, or better yet, a marker and highlight that which speaks to you. It doesn’t have to describe an exact experience but rather something about it that resonates with you. It may describe you, validate you, it may be a message you want to hang onto. It is quite likely you will have a very marked up book by the conclusion, and it is a good way to use the book as a reminder of what you need to hear again after you have completed the first read. Also, because this book is so personal and therefore can be emotional, having underlined or marked areas that are more specific to you makes it easier to access the content you want to maintain.
Writing can be a wonderful form of self-therapy, and I encourage you to journal throughout the time you are reading this book and journal in response to the questions posed at the end of each chapter. As you read and journal, remember to keep breathing. Stop periodically and reorient. Take some deep breaths. Look around your environment. What do you see? What do you hear? What do you smell? What are you touching? Do you need to take a break? What would be a healthy way to support or nurture yourself?
In reading Deceived it is my hope that you will better understand what is happening in your life, and find a path that offers you clarity, direction, and voice. I am honored to be a part of your journey. I remain humbled at the courage, bravery, strength, and resiliency of both female and male partners, and I continue to be in awe of the spirit of those who feel so fragile, so vulnerable, yet are so strong. As I have said many times, I cannot promise you your relationship, but I can promise you your integrity and self-respect in your personal recovery.
It’s not an easy journey but it is one of profound transformation.