His Behavior Is Not About You
Why is he doing this?
Why won’t he just stop?
First and foremost, you need to know that his behavior is not about you. As hurtful as his behavior is, he isn’t doing this deliberately to hurt you or to punish you. Regardless of what he may say, he is not doing this because of anything you have done or not done, the way you look or don’t look. It is not willfulness on his part. He has reached a stage where he cannot stop acting out sexually without help.
However you describe what it is you are living with, it is very important to see the addictive aspect of your partner’s behavior. I know some readers have already had negative reactions to identifying the betrayal in their coupleship as sex addiction. Having been shaped by social, cultural, and religious beliefs the meaning we attach to sex and sexuality varies from individual to individual. Family values and behaviors may have the greatest impact. The same is true of the word addiction, and its myriad implications and judgments. As a result, it is not uncommon for some people to find the words “sex addiction” offensive or frightening. Perhaps you also think that by viewing or naming it as addiction, it lets your partner off the hook for his behavior. Absolutely not, the addict is responsible for his recovery and that includes accountability.
Historically, the term addiction was first identified as the out-of-control use of alcohol and other drugs. Today, we recognize that many behaviors—gambling, eating, internet, shopping, and/or engaging in sex—can spin out of control and become addictive.
Just as alcoholism has existed over the centuries, using sex in a compulsive, addictive manner has also been occurring for many generations. The Italian-born libertine Giacomo Casanova was such a famous womanizer that, a full two centuries after his death, his name remains synonymous with the art of seduction. Benjamin Franklin is believed to have abandoned his devoted wife, Deborah, and became a lecher in London and France. In his book The Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin, Mr. Franklin confessed that as a young man, his “hard-to-govern’d passion of youth” led him into intrigues with women.1 It is said he went to women hungrily, secretly, and briefly. Wilt Chamberlain, famous professional basketball player, devoted an entire chapter of his autobiography to his sexual exploits. He said that if he had to count his sexual encounters, he would be closing in on 20,000 women. “Yes, that’s correct, twenty thousand different ladies,” he wrote. “At my age, that equals out to having sex with 1.2 women a day, every day since I was fifteen years old.”2 Historically, this kind of behavior by men has been normalized by our society and in many cultures continues to be accepted. As a consequence of the #MeToo movement, sexual assaults, harassment, and sexual exploits and secrets of men not only are not being tolerated, they are much more apt to be exposed and reported.
Whether or not your partner’s behavior is ultimately diagnosed as addictive, you and he both deserve the opportunity to seek professional help. You can still find a path for yourself as you understand your own role in this partnership and a path out of your angst and despair.
The Addiction
Sexually addictive behavior is an equal opportunity addiction that spans all boundaries: economic, political, gender, sexual orientation, intellectual, religious, racial, and ethnic. Sex addicts come from all walks of life: they are factory workers, salespeople, truck drivers, janitors, policemen, accountants, physicians, politicians, executives, and clergy members. Most people who act out sexually during their adult years were abused sexually, physically, or emotionally during their childhood. The majority grew up in families where addiction already flourished. Many grapple with other forms of addiction in addition to their sexual compulsivity.
Addiction is not about a particular behavior but its overall context. Just as there is a distinction between the social drinker and the alcoholic, there is a distinction between the person who has one affair and the person who repeatedly has affairs even when a job or marriage may be in jeopardy. Not everyone who has affairs, participates in unsafe sex, or keeps sexual secrets is a sex addict. Not everyone who views pornography, engages in anonymous sex, visits prostitutes, or performs acts of bondage/dominance or sadomasochism is a sex addict. The type of sexual activity one prefers, the choice of sexual partners, or where one goes to have sex does not determine sex addiction. When a person deviates from the established sexual norms it does not make him a bad person, nor does it mean he is addicted.
The elements that define sexual addiction are the compulsive nature of the experience, the repetition of the behavior despite its negative consequences, the need for more and more to achieve the same effect, and the bad feelings that it engenders. The escalation in the amount of sexual activity or intensity of the experience occurs because the current level no longer provides the fix it once did. An addict has a persistent pursuit of self- destructive or high-risk sexual behavior, wherein cherished aspects of one’s life are potentially sacrificed.
[ADDICT]
At times I would tell myself this is it, no more. But that never lasted for long. I would again find myself acting out. I didn’t see it as acting out. I was just still doing what I had been doing, be it an affair, pornography, or a massage parlor. I would totally forget that I had a moment of thinking I shouldn’t be doing this. The truth is, most of the time I just didn’t see it as something I needed to stop. I was so caught up in just me or my next conquest. It was like I felt I was entitled to this life. If I were to think about it, I just totally separated it from my relationship with my wife. Today I know that is hard to grasp, but that is what I was thinking during the behavior. My behavior had nothing to do with my marriage, nothing to do with my wife. It was about me. I would have been doing this no matter who I was married to.
While an accepted definition of addiction is “a pathological relationship with a mood-altering chemical,” the American Psychiatric Association (APA) offers a more clinical definition: “Addiction is a complex condition, a brain disease that is manifested by compulsive substance use despite harmful consequence. People with addiction (severe substance use disorder) have an intense focus on using a certain substance(s), such as alcohol or drugs, to the point that it takes over their life.” The addict’s relationship with the substance of choice becomes more important to him or her than family, friends, health, or work, and it progresses to the point where consumption and/or use are necessary to feel normal. In order to feel adequate, the addict comes to depend on a change in neurochemistry and the accompanying mood-altering experience; it becomes central to his or her life. The vow to stop the behaviors gets lost against the power of the addiction. All of that is equally true for the sex addict.
THE BEHAVIORS
As a drug addict may use pain medications, heroin, and marijuana, sexually compulsive people often engage in a combination of behaviors. The behaviors can range from pornography, to one-night affairs and long-term relationships. He may engage with prostitutes (escorts), massage parlor workers, or in chat rooms on the internet. Some sex addicts are drawn to voyeurism, exhibitionism, or connecting sexually with someone of the same gender when one is not gay.
People who are acting out sexually find the internet exacerbates their problem. Even if someone has not previously been acting out, internet access to pornography and cybersex often incites escalating and provocative behavior. It also contributes to acting out in real life. Online sexual behavior has been described as the “crack cocaine of sex addiction” because of its accessibility and affordability. Just pushing a button gives a person access to his secret world. He doesn’t have to go to outside of the home or office, put himself at physical risk, or cruise the streets. Anytime, day or night, in the comfort of his home or workplace, his fix is available with devastating consequences just as harmful as realtime sex addiction.
Just as the majority of alcoholics are not homeless, most sex addicts do not fit the erroneous stereotype of criminal offenders who satisfy their needs by forcing themselves on helpless victims. This is not to say that there are not victims in sexual addiction. In reality, all addictive sexual behavior is victimizing; the addict and his partner are both hurt in the process. The behaviors of a sex addict are often emotionally hurtful and disrespectful of others, but only a few behaviors are considered crimes and those differ in the degree of personal violence involved. Certainly, child molestation and rape inflicts deep emotional wounds, but many people who commit sex crimes, specifically child molesters and rapists, are not compulsive. They are sociopaths engaged in acts of aggression. Sexually addictive behavior does not necessarily indicate criminal behavior; likewise, committing sexual crimes does not necessarily indicate sex addiction.
Research in the field of addiction supports the belief that different forms of addiction taps into the same brain chemistry.3 Today we recognize there are three different types of addiction: 1) arousal, 2) satiation, and 3) fantasy. Whatever the substance or behavior, it can manifest in any one of these types.
Arousal-type addictions are also thought of as intensity addictions; the sex addict is hooked on the rush that occurs with risky sexual activities—the combination of fear and danger. The danger can be physical danger or a social danger, such as being caught in the act. Satiation-type addictions are seen in behaviors that medicate personal pain and anxiety. Fantasy-type addictions involve imagined sexual experiences.
Many addicts mix and match their sexually addictive behaviors as well as other addictive disorders. One can move from fantasy and escape to arousal and back to escape. For example, a man who masturbates while fantasizing he is having sex with a woman he sees on the internet. Then at greater risk to himself, he moves on to meeting this woman in person and after having a clandestine meeting of rough sex he returns home to a night of drinking to oblivion.
Addicts live an all-or-nothing kind of life, not knowing how to moderate themselves. They know two ways: full-out high speed or full-on brakes. Intensity addicts who are more apt to engage in high-risk dangerous situations commonly engage in satiation fixes to calm down and soothe their heightened energy, enabling them to be able to resume normal activities.
My father raged and was abusive. By age eleven I found what my father had—power in raging. It protected me from my fears, my sense of unworthiness. Then I discovered masturbation and it calmed me. It was a solace.
Rage gave me the high, the power, and masturbation was my anesthetic. They worked in tandem for years.
Because a sex addict is a person who never learned to tolerate his painful feelings, he seeks escape from those feelings. Sexual activity and sexual fantasy alter brain chemistry in the same way by producing profound feelings of pleasure. Sex addicts are altering their brain chemistry, and as a result, their mood, all the time. They use sex as a drug to produce a high. As his disease progresses, the sex addict cares less and less who his sexual partner is. If he can’t find a partner, masturbation will give him a quick fix. His chief pursuit is the high.
THE SCIENCE OF ADDICTION
While a nonaddicted individual can quickly see how the addict’s behavior causes problems or has the potential to do so, the addicted person continues the behaviors despite the risks. He either doesn’t recognize the impact his behavior is having on his committed relationship or he is willing to risk the relationship. He may lose jobs, put himself (as well as his loved ones) at high risk for sexually transmitted diseases, and be willing to risk lawsuits or experience bankruptcy, all while downplaying these possibilities.
I think back about my behavior. There was so much deception, lying, working the room. There was no turning it on or off. I really thought it was okay. I was clueless to the damage. I rationalized my first divorce not being about my behavior but that she just wanted different things. Today I am stunned at my own thinking, or lack of thinking, back then.
[ADDICT]
I didn’t know how to stop. It sounds so strange, but until I got help I didn’t realize that it was truly an addiction for me. I was incapable of stopping on my own. I needed help. Left to my own thinking, I thought I had my life in control. The twisted thinking here is that I thought I had all of my lies covered and that meant all was okay.
The science of addiction indicates that the inability to recognize the impact of behavior on others or the willingness to risk what is significant in one’s life appears to be connected to brain chemistry. How many times have you said or wanted to say to your partner, “What are you thinking?” The answer is: he is not thinking.
When people use substances or engage in escape behaviors, the brain releases neurotransmitters, such as adrenaline and dopamine, that trigger the brain’s pleasure/reward center; or it may release serotonin, which lessens anxiety and depression. With repetitive engagement, the triggers in the brain’s reward center override the cognitive, rational thinking part of the brain. Brain scans show there are reduced levels of activation in the prefrontal cortex, where rational thought should be able to override impulsive behavior. But under the influence, it doesn’t. The prefrontal cortex succumbs to the limbic system, the emotional, reactive area of the brain. In essence, addiction is a hijacked brain.
Addiction is not about substances or behaviors, but is about disrupting the processing of pleasure; the balance point is shifted so you keep creating more and more urges, and you keep wanting more and more.
Science also tells us that stress alters the way we think. Parts of the brain that help us problem-solve shut down at times of stress, fueling impulsive behavior. When this behavior becomes excessive, the brain interprets the feelings as positive and cannot recognize the long-term consequences, telling us “this is good; we should do it again.”
The good news in looking at the science is to know that the brain has plasticity to it. That means the practices people learn in treatment and in recovery affect brain function in a positive manner. An addict can learn skills to calm the emotionally reactive area of the brain, avoid triggers that activate the emotional area, and enhance the decision-making area where he can rationally think through his decisions, rather than responding impulsively and from such a strong emotional basis.
THE ADDICTIVE CYCLE
Being addicted means that at some point a person loses the ability to choose whether or not he is going to be sexual. He is unable to say no to his impulses and cravings. Be it alcohol, gambling, or sex, the addicted person either doesn’t see it or denies the problems that his compulsive activity is continuously producing in his life, maintaining his denial with rationalizations. Sex addicts are preoccupied with and compulsive about their sexuality. They engage in distorted thinking, rationalizing, and defending and justifying their behavior while blaming others for the problems that result. Like those addicted to alcohol and/or other drugs, sex addicts progress through stages in which they retreat further and further from the reality of friends, family, and work, and potentially destroy those important relationships, sabotage careers, and risk significant health issues and violent death.
Sex addicts describe their euphoria with sex similarly to that described by drug addicts with drug use. This may be an effect of endorphins and other endogenous brain chemicals that are excited during sexual behaviors, creating a drug-induced state. The mood-altering experience is not just the sexual act itself; it can be produced by sexual fantasy and rituals as well.
Patrick Carnes, PhD, a pioneer in the sex addiction field, delineated key components of the addictive cycle as it relates to sexual compulsivity.4 Obsession and preoccupation are the thinking disorder aspects of addiction. People can become obsessive about any activity that generates a positive mood for them, whether it is the self-nurturing feeling of eating, the excitement of gambling, or the arousal of seduction. Addicts find that just thinking about a sexual act leads to a preoccupation that in itself produces pleasurable and exciting sensations, creating a positive mood in order to avoid a negative one. It can be employed at any time of the day in any situation. Often sex addicts seem as though they are not present even when they are physically there. Their mental arousal makes them less and less in tune with the emotional stresses that triggered the fantasy and creates a pressing desire to act out their thoughts. The fantasy, the anticipation, the planning, and the risk-taking are as important as the sexual act itself. For some addicts, the thinking about, planning of, and anticipation of the behavior is the most pleasurable part of their addictive cycle. As the addict moves into fantasy, his neurochemistry begins to unleash the chemicals that an actual sexual encounter would prompt. Spurred to action by sexual fantasies, the addict begins to prepare for sexually acting out.
[ADDICT]
My actual sexual indiscretion was only minutes, but the planning and anticipating took hours. I couldn’t even remember things about my job or what was happening at home. I was mentally consumed with the fantasy or was covering my bases and finessing my lies.
Engaging in pre-sexual rituals intensifies the powerful emotional and neurochemical high and drives the addictive cycle forward. Rituals are as varied in number and complexity as there are sex addicts. Some rituals may take minutes, others hours. Some sex addicts will travel great distances to obtain pornography and won’t act out until they return home. Some will make elaborate travel plans in order to connect with partners from around the country or the world. The ritual might include changing into erotic clothing, listening to specific music, cruising by car in a favorite neighborhood, or going online. For some, the ritual involves the use of alcohol or other drugs. Just like fantasies in the preoccupation stage, rituals produce excitement. Perhaps the excitement comes from anticipating going to a massage parlor that practices techniques the addict hasn’t experienced before. Maybe the excitement is produced by the amount of risk involved in a certain activity. Danger and intrigue are exciting to the addict and summon the release of adrenaline, which is in itself is addictive. Through the preoccupation and ritual stages, the addict’s brain has literally created a chemical cocktail that is as addictive as any drug. Any addictive behavior can be dangerously pursued and therefore is exciting, giving addicts a rush.
Once addicts have reached their ritual stage, it is almost inevitable that they will go on to the acting-out stage. Moments, hours, or even days into their fantasies and rituals, sex addicts arrive at the full-blown expression of their sexual behavior. Compulsive masturbation with pornography, exhibitionism, voyeurism, hiring of prostitutes, paying for sexual massages, and visiting sex clubs are intensely stimulating.
Once he has acted out, he may or may not look back with regret, fear, or anxiety about what he has been doing sexually or otherwise. He may suffer direct unwanted consequences as a result of his sexual conduct, which makes him feel even worse. Since addicts act out in part to compensate for their limited emotional coping skills, their sexual behavior and its consequences often make them feel worse about themselves over time, which in turn causes an escalation of the frequency and intensity of their behaviors. They lose faith in themselves and turn more frequently to sex to try to feel better. The depression, shame, and anxiety generated by their sexual acting out can bring addicts back to the very need for emotional control that initiated the addiction cycle at the outset. Each addict has his own particular response to his behavior and his unique way of gearing up for the next time. Think of a merry-go-round in motion; it is difficult to get off.
All addiction is characterized as progressive with diminishing returns, meaning there is a need for more of the chemical or more of the compulsive activity to get the same level of satisfaction. Over time, alcoholics require more and more alcohol in order to feel good. Likewise, the sex addict will find himself taking more and greater risks in order to feel the same level of excitement. Early in his addiction, an addict establishes rules that allow him to believe he has control over his behavior. While addiction serves its purpose to anesthetize an inner shame, to offer a false esteem, or even to produce feelings of power or control, the addict is certainly not delusional in his thinking all the time. There are times when he is aware of his dishonesty, ashamed of his lies, and feels guilty for the pain he is causing his partner. It is then that he tells himself he won’t do it again or he puts restrictions on himself. He often promises himself he will do things differently next time, and then he feels twice as bad when he cannot keep his promises. As the alcoholic tries to control his behavior by saying to himself he will only drink after a certain hour or only on weekends or only certain liquor, people who are sexually addicted impose their own restrictions (as seen in the examples below) and soon break their own rules:
• “I will only engage with prostitutes when I am on business out of town, never in my own city.”
• “I will only have affairs with single women.”
• “I will only have affairs with women who my wife would not know.”
• “I will only get on the computer after hours at work.”
Eventually, the addict comes to break all of his own rules as he takes more and more risks. He starts to have affairs with women in his town, then a neighbor, and then a woman at his church. He starts to visit massage parlors in his own city and starts his day at work by downloading pornography.
When he continues his risky behavior despite negative consequences and he requires more and more to obtain the same effect, then addiction has set in, no matter what the specific behavior. The behavior will continue to progress and it will ultimately destroy the addict’s life unless the cycle is disrupted with a new start in recovery.
Unlike complete abstinence that defines alcohol and drug recovery, sex addiction recovery does not require total abstinence from sex. In this way it is similar to recovery from compulsive overeating. Sexuality is a part of one’s natural human state, as is the need to fuel one’s body with food. People in recovery from eating disorders, specifically compulsive overeating, avoid eating certain foods. They learn to eat for the nutritional value of the food rather than eating out of boredom or to anesthetize anger or pain or other feelings. Ultimately, they develop a whole new relationship with the role of food in their life. In recovery, the sex addict also develops a whole new relationship with the role sex plays in his life. There will be certain behaviors he will no longer engage in. The act of sex will be for the experience, for the sharing of sexual pleasure, and for relational connection rather than out of his emotional reactivity and woundedness or for the sake of garnering power and control. He’ll learn how to identify and voice his needs and feelings and to honor those of others, creating greater emotional and sexual intimacy. The recovering sex addict will develop boundaries that are based on respect for self and others. Whether the addiction is food, gambling, substances, or sex, all addicts in recovery learn how to identify their triggers and how to avoid them or not react in self-defeating ways. While all addicts need to develop greater emotional and relational skills to create healthier ways of getting their personal and interpersonal needs met, recovery for the sex addict is about learning how to get those needs met in a nonsexual way and addressing the issues that created barriers to healthy intimacy.
Why Am I Not Enough?
It is my hope that in better understanding the addictive nature of sexual compulsivity you will be able to answer the age-old question: Why am I not enough? Wives and partners often wonder why sex with them, and only them, is not sufficient for the sex addict. It’s important to know that when the addict is in the throes of his addiction, he doesn’t have sex with you to forge a connection and develop intimacy. He’s doing it with you to keep up his pretenses, to reinforce your falsely held and unspoken belief that if he has sex with you then he isn’t seeking it outside of your coupleship. Or you may simply be an element of his stash and part of his addictive cycle. In the act of his addiction—in the immediate moment—he may feel complete, whole, and good. But that feeling disappears once the activity is over, and he will go out and seek that feeling, as fleeting as it is, again and again.
[ADDICT]
I like having sex with my partner. She participates willingly and I find her attractive. I know she tries hard to please me. So why isn’t that enough for me? All I can say is that my addiction isn’t just about sex. There is this self-hate part of me that I try so hard to never show my wife. But when that self-hate gets triggered, and it is always there waiting to be triggered, that is when I act out. I have sex with women I don’t know so I don’t worry about displeasing them, nor do I have to be respectful to their needs. I also engage in totally different sexual acts that I would never ask my wife to engage in. My twisted thoughts about power, pain, and anger all come into play during my acting out. I am just into me, me, me, totally me.
The addict’s feelings of shame, fear, and inadequacies are a bottomless pit. His behavior is an endless vicious cycle that has nothing to do with you.
Multiple Manifestations of Addiction
Addicted people often have histories of trauma, and the more profoundly they have been abused, the more likely they will have multiple addictive disorders. Some people have several forms of addiction operating simultaneously, while others trade off these forms (i.e., substances or behaviors), giving up one only to get lost in another. It is common that when one addiction is addressed, other addictive behaviors that do not get addressed gain strength. Many women have partners in recovery from one manifestation of addiction, such as alcohol, only to ultimately be confronted by sex addiction.
[ADDICT]
I got help for my alcoholism and I quit drinking because it was messing up everything. But I didn’t give up all of my womanizing and affairs for another twenty years. I didn’t see the sex messing up things. My marriage was struggling, but I just thought that was a problem between the two of us and had nothing to do with this secret world I had going on.
[ADDICT]
I used sex just as I used alcohol: to ignore pain, to block out my feelings. It separated me from a lot of loneliness, confusion, anger, guilt, and shame. I know I look like I have my act together to the outside world, but for my whole life, starting as a kid, I have felt lonely. I was never confident of myself. I was confused about why I did a lot of the things I did, and I felt guilty and ashamed. I sort of lived in two worlds: what I felt inside and what the world would see. They were two very different things. But I got good at buying into the outside image and ignoring that inner world. Well, that is exactly what alcohol and then sex did for me. They allowed me to disconnect from that inner world and believe my own lies about myself. I told myself that my behavior wasn’t different from other men’s behavior and that my behavior didn’t really hurt anyone else because they didn’t know about it.
Addicts will often seek help for the addiction that is most visible to others, the one they have the least shame about or the one that is the most disruptive to their lives. Addiction to substances, for example, are usually much more disruptive on a daily basis and are often more visible to others than sex addiction. It is also common for someone addicted to alcohol or other drugs or gambling to initially be willing to get help but continue to hold on to sexual secrets. Sometimes, while receiving help for one compulsive behavior, an addict is acting out in another addictive disorder because he believes he can handle it or thinks once he no longer uses drugs or drinks it will no longer be a problem. The denial and rationalizations about the hidden behavior go unrecognized. He does not fully understand that addiction takes on a life of its own. Unfortunately, many who get help for their identified addiction do not undergo any additional assessment for other problems. It’s possible for his sexual acting out to continue for years before a crisis compels him to address his long-standing sexual compulsivity.
[ADDICT]
After ten years of being clean and sober from alcoholism, I knew I needed help again. I was not drinking or using. I was still going to a twelve-step program, but I was sexually acting out and being dishonest about our family money. Knowing it was catching up with me, and that my wife was very suspicious, I went to a treatment program. I had been to treatment ten years before, but I didn’t get honest about anything but the alcohol. This time I told them I was in trouble for these other things.
The first time in treatment I thought that because my sexual acting out was always associated with my drinking that I just wouldn’t do it if I didn’t drink. And I also knew that if I exposed my sexual acting-out behaviors, they would want me to tell my wife, and I didn’t want to do that. For two years I did okay, mostly because I just deliberately kept myself away from women as much as possible. But slowly I got myself back into my old behaviors. I was crazy in a sense because I knew what I was doing and knew I wasn’t being honest with my recovery friends, my sponsor, or my wife. I was increasingly out of control. Shortly after my tenth sober anniversary I got help for my sexual acting out because I also knew I was close to drinking again.
Addiction exists in layers. Some are more deeply embedded than others. Sometimes the various forms of addiction are ritualized together such as sex and alcohol or sex and other drugs (a form of speed such as cocaine or crystal methamphetamine is the most common). For example, an addict’s ritual could be using crystal methamphetamine or cocaine as a part of his pattern of sexual acting out. Combining speed with sex is a way that addicts try to find an even greater high. After acting out, an addict will often use alcohol or marijuana to induce a greater sense of calmness in coming down from the previous high. Typically, this means that a person does not engage with one addictive behavior without engaging in another addictive behavior.
Work, rage, drugs, alcohol, sex, spending, gambling—it doesn’t matter what the behavior or substance is, if it has the ability to (falsely) empower, to medicate or soothe, to help you avoid, and/or to move you from a feeling of “less than” to “better than,” then it can be addictive. A man in recovery from addiction told me, “I was an addiction binger and trader.”
[ADDICT]
I started a paper route when I was just a kid and found that work was a source of pride and solace. It got me out of the house and distracted me from all my fears. The money I made gave me independence. I became quite the entrepreneur and soon had other kids working for me. Reading was another source of solace and a way for me to disconnect from the pain and confusion of my life. I was really very angry with my father during that time, and my paper route and withdrawing into reading and numbers (I loved overseeing my bank account) gave me a sense of well-being and confidence that ultimately fueled a strong work and gambling addiction. Then I began to drink, and it too gave me a sense of well-being. Adding sex to that made it become one big, powerful cocktail.
Problems and behaviors that are often overlooked include raging behaviors, compulsive spending, and work obsession. Work obsession and distorted thinking about money are culturally supported, and rageful behavior is often hidden and a last vestige of recovery.
[ADDICT]
Rage, alcohol, marijuana, work, and sex—all were my validation. They also became my form of power. After I got sober, my sexual behavior went underground and my rage became sporadic, but my work addiction flared. I was on a seesaw, professing recovery. Finally I decided to do some therapy around my childhood. It was then that a clinician confronted me about my sexual behavior. This led to my issues with rage and work addiction being addressed in my recovery.
Another prevalent combination of addictive behaviors is violence, drugs/alcohol, and sex. The violence component nearly always has its roots in a childhood that included parents or caregivers who were alcoholic, physically violent, and/or sexually abusive. In some cases, the child received affection only after being abused or after a family fight. Thus, for that person, violence and affection (sex) are paired. It may be that as a young boy the addict listened to his parents arguing and heard the physical abuse as his father literally threw his mother around the bedroom. In his powerlessness as a young child, he found comfort in masturbation. Today he cannot get an erection unless he fantasizes about something of a violent nature while listening to music with violent lyrics. When addiction is ritualized, each manifestation feeds the other and intensifies the addictive cycle.
To keep from merely switching addictions and to support a healthy recovery, the addict must identify and address all his forms of addictions as well as the internal source of his pain. Today, addiction specialists recognize that having multiple forms of addiction is interactive; they present as a package. If you cut off or treat just one branch of a diseased tree, it does not necessarily heal or get to the root of the problem. Whether there are dual or multiple forms of addiction, each manifestation is a primary issue, and each needs to be addressed simultaneously.
Even though not all sex addicts are addicted to alcohol and other drugs, all reputable sexual addiction treatment programs strongly advise abstinence from alcohol and any so-called recreational drug use since any use is a disinhibiter. These substances weaken a person’s judgment to the point that one cannot remain committed to healthy boundaries, which are a part of recovery from sex addiction. They can strongly influence a relapse into addictive thinking, which sets up the addictive behavior.
Any process or behavior that interferes with the ability to be honest deserves attention—whether it is addiction or an otherwise, self-defeating behavior that doesn’t support healing and recovery.
Depression and Anxiety
It is common for addicts to experience underlying depression and anxiety as a consequence of both biology and traumatic family histories. In addition to a generalized anxiety disorder, post-traumatic stress often underlies addiction. These co-occurring mental health disorders may be substance-related but very often are their own primary issue. Like multiple manifestations of addiction, depression and anxiety often go unrecognized for many years. It is not uncommon for a sex addict to seek treatment for substance abuse, then ultimately for his sex addiction, and then without a substance or behavior to give him false esteem or to medicate, his underlying depression and anxiety become much more apparent. While we all know the typical symptoms of depression are apathy, lethargy, and feeling blue, it is not uncommon, particularly for men, for depression to be expressed as blatant hostility and unmanageable anger and rage. The symptoms of undiagnosed disorders such as depression and anxiety can be masked and managed through patterns of addictive and compulsive behavior.
[ADDICT]
I am not the kind of guy who thinks of himself as depressed, but in my recovery from sex addiction I was still acting out with explosive anger and really rageful behavior. My size, words, and loudness are intimidating, and I used them. A therapist suggested antidepressants, and I had learned to be open to suggestions from those I respected. To be honest, I was shocked by the recommendation, but now it is apparent that alcohol and sex just covered up this depression. My anger was always close by, always ready to protect me. So depression was just more and more apparent without my other fixes. Today I still have some inappropriate anger, but that is not so related to depression as just a lifetime of being quick to use anger, and it’s my first defense. But treating my depression has made a world of difference that I never would have identified as an issue for me. After all, big men are not supposed to be depressed.
Addictive behavior—whether it’s satiation, arousal, or fantasy—can be a cover to depression. In our society, it is far more acceptable for a man to get treatment for addiction than to be diagnosed with and treated for depression. It is considered unmanly to be depressed. In our culture, girls and women are socialized to internalize pain; they blame themselves and draw distress into themselves. Boys and men are socialized to externalize pain and are more likely to discharge distress through action. A man is running from the pain and emptiness he has felt for years, engaging compulsively in work, financial goals, and sex. Money, prowess, and prestige become the drugs that sustain him and take the place of authentic relationships. He has trouble being intimate with others because he can’t be intimate with himself. His sexual acting out is an attempt to escape the sense of unworthiness and emotional impoverishment that has haunted him throughout much of his life. To relieve the threat of depression, the addictive substance or process in this case works to transform the emotional state from feelings of worthlessness to feelings of extraordinary worth.
As Terrence Real so eloquently says in I Don’t Want To Talk About It, “the depressed man frequently buries himself in work, wraps his internal discomfort in anger, and numbs his discontent with alcohol, other drugs, and sex. As a society we have more respect for the walking wounded, those who persist, deny their pain and difficulties.”5 Men readily engage in satiating and fantasy behavior, and at the same time they are pushed toward arousal-type behaviors. They are expected to engage in risk-taking but are to avoid being vulnerable or owning or showing those feelings. Pain is something they are to rise above. As a consequence, an addict’s untreated depression sabotages his recovery.
[ADDICT]
I went to AA because my wife threatened to leave me due to my drinking. She knew about some of my sexual acting out but thought it only happened because of my drinking. The truth was I drank more in response to the shame I felt about my acting out. But who really knew that? So I went to AA to save my marriage. I was also tired of all the drinking and I couldn’t seem to stop. But when I went to AA, I left half of me outside the door. Then in time, with recovery from alcoholism, I found food to be the solace that alcohol once was to hide my sexual shame. So I had this odd fight going on of esteem building in AA, yet I had this secretive sex life. Finally my growing esteem took me to Overeaters Anonymous (OA). Now where were my fixes? I couldn’t hide from myself, and my sexual acting out was leaking everywhere. My dishonesty was challenged by the principles of the twelve-step programs. That was when I finally got help for my sex addiction, and soon after I was in full-blown depression.
Current research confirms that a vulnerability to depression is genetically inherited. Any person, given the right mix of chromosomes, will have a susceptibility to this disease. Major depression and bipolar disorder are the two forms of depression most likely linked to biology—a genetic history. Bipolar disorder is characterized not only by depressive symptoms, but by a switching between what are referred to as the poles of manic and depressive episodes. These episodes can vary in duration and intensity, depending on the person. Bipolar disorder has a specific link to sex addiction because one of the symptoms of bipolar disorder can be hypersexuality. Hypersexuality is the increased need, even pressure, for sexual gratification driven in part by the physical activation, heightened sensory and sexual interest, and risk-taking that are often symptoms of mania for a person with bipolar disorder. With the exception of bipolar disorder, in the majority of cases, biological vulnerability alone is not enough to bring about depression. Usually a combination of genetic susceptibility and psychological injury produces depression. Such psychological injury—especially physical or sexual abuse or being raised in extremely impaired family systems—is often seen in men who act out sexually. Many times the dominating source of impairment in his family was an addiction that created loss and modeled addictive behavior as a solution to pain or a source of power.
It is also possible the addict may experience dysthymia (low-grade, chronic depression) due to the shame he feels as he confronts his behavior and the sense of emptiness or hollowness that often accompanies the initial absence of his acting out. When diagnosed appropriately, depression of all types can be treated quite effectively with medication and/or psychotherapy. As with addiction, a strong diagnostic work-up in a treatment process is advisable to identify or rule out mental health issues that could interfere with and/or sabotage the recovery process. The most common issues are depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress symptoms, most often due to childhood abuse. This may seem overwhelming, but neither you nor your partner need to carve the path of treatment, as a qualified sex addiction therapist will do this. With a desire and willingness to change, recovery is possible.
If you see a repetitive pattern to your partner’s behavior, and if he continues his behaviors in spite of adverse consequences to himself, to you, and to his family, it is most likely this behavior needs to be addressed with a specific addiction focus and not just seen as a painful lapse in relationship fidelity or an innate perversion. There are emotional reasons for this acting out that ultimately lead to repetition and compulsivity, and the inability to willfully control himself. Of course, these explanations don’t excuse his behavior; what they do is contribute to understanding. It is also important to know that there is a path for treatment and healing.
Reflective Thoughts and Questions
• What did you learn in this chapter that helps you understand your partner’s behavior?
• In what way does understanding the addictive nature of his behavior aid you in your recovery?
• Are you concerned about your partner having other addictions? Explain.
• Are you concerned that he may have depression, anxiety, and/or other mental health issues? Explain.
• What was important for you to learn in this chapter?
CHAPTER THREE NOTES
1 Benjamin Franklin, The Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin (New York: Touchstone, 2003), 55.
2 Wilt Chamberlain, A View from Above (New York: Signet, 1992).
3 Harvey Milkman and Stanley Sunderwirth, Craving for Ecstacy: How Our Passions Become Addictions and What We Can Do About Them (San Francisco: Jossey-Bass, 1987).
4 Patrick Carnes, Contrary to Love: Helping the Sexual Addict (Center City, MN: Hazelden, 1994).
5 Terrence Real, I Don’t Want to Talk about It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression (New York: Simon & Schuster, 1998), 35.