Learning the News
What should I do?
Do I want to know everything?
How can I show my face to those who may know?
How can I ever trust again?
Women learn about their partners’ sexual acting out in a variety of ways. Perhaps you heard about your partner’s behavior from a coworker, a friend, a neighbor, or a family member. It’s possible someone told you inadvertently and didn’t even realize what they said. Or perhaps the person knew full well what he or she was saying and did it out of respect for you. It could be that someone shared the information out of vindictiveness. You may have read about your partner’s activities in the newspaper or saw him on television. Perhaps the police came to your door to take him away. His angry lover may have called and left a message or emailed you a letter and/or pictures. It is possible you happened upon your partner with his lover. You may have inadvertently found internet sex sites he bookmarked on the computer. Maybe he went to a treatment program for his addiction to gambling or drugs or alcohol and you suddenly found yourself sitting in a counselor’s office, surprised to be learning about his sexual acting out. It’s possible your child told you about something he or she saw. Sometimes women visit their doctor and learn they have a sexually transmitted disease. This news, whatever the setting or form of delivery, can be a bombshell. It can also be nothing more than a validation of what you’ve been suspecting.
[PARTNER]
The first time I learned he was acting out I had gone to his office after work with our baby in my arms just to see him. I had no idea I would find him in a compromised position with someone at work. I was numb. They laughed at me. I stayed with him several more years and had two more kids. He would never admit openly to what he was doing but I found the evidence: the hotel slips, the letters.
[PARTNER]
My husband had been in some intensive psychotherapy, and after one of his therapy retreats he came home an emotional mess and disclosed he was a sex addict. He told me it was a one-time ongoing affair with someone out of state. He told me it was over, and that was all that was said. Well, I had a history of sex abuse as a child and to use the word “sex addict” was so scary. Sex addict, sex abuser, sexual molester—were they all one and the same? I didn’t know what to think, so I focused on what he said about this affair being over and I thought, Good, it’s over with, and locked it up in some mental container in my head to not think about it. But what I did not know for a long time was he was acting out more and more.
[PARTNER]
Because I was suspicious, I went searching for proof and found his journal, which was the darkest day of my life. I read about affairs that had been going on for years, for one hour, one night, several months, and multiple affairs at the same time. I thought I would die. I actually thought about suicide. I was overwhelmed and wanted a divorce. He went to treatment. I didn’t hear any additional information. I really got it all in his journal so there was nothing more to add. As hard as it is to know—and I did need to know, to get to where we are today—that was not the way to find out. I wish it had been a structured therapeutic disclosure.
Every discovery is a trauma-inducing event. Often partners become overwhelmed and go into a freeze state putting their heads into the sand for years. Others have suicidal thoughts and often think of dying. Needless to say it’s a horrific time, a time of great darkness.
When you first hear the news, you may only take in a piece of the whole picture. It’s likely that even if you are aware of the severity of the acting out, you may not view it as an addiction from which one recovers, but more like something that men just do. You may believe if the man feels guilty enough, he will just stop. Your response may be one of shame, guilt, fear, and rage, and very often you have no safe environment to express these feelings or even begin to understand the ramifications of what is occurring. Even with the very real threat of leaving the relationship or getting a divorce, unless the addict is in a treatment/recovery program for sex addiction, you are probably not hearing the full extent of his behavior. Therefore, neither you nor he is seeing its addictive nature. While some women are genuinely unaware of the behavior at the time they hear the news, most suspect or are somewhat aware of the acting out. And many, when they do find out, say they would prefer not knowing. In the long run, it is my professional bias that you will benefit more from knowing about his behavior than not. Addictive behavior flourishes in isolation and secrecy. It is a therapeutic tenet that secrets not only interfere with recovery, they preclude the possibility of recovery and they will fuel relapse. As difficult as it is for him to disclose the extent of his behavior and for you to hear it, it is a vital aspect of the recovery process both for you individually and for your relationship.
The value of knowing the truth is that it reinforces trust in your own perceptions and allows you to deal honestly with the relationship. Knowing the truth gives the relationship the potential for an honest foundation. You deserve to have the information to make objective choices about whether or not you want to continue in the relationship and/or go through the journey of potential recovery with him.
Disclosure
At the time of initial awareness, in the heat of rage or the pain of shame, you may demand to know everything. Whether you are at home, in a car, in a motel room, or in a public place, it doesn’t matter to you—you want to know and you want to know now.
[PARTNER]
My boyfriend disclosed all right—I discovered him all over the internet. That was my experience with disclosure.
[PARTNER]
Well, I thought my husband disclosed, meaning he told me about the pornography. But later he told me about the chat rooms and then he told me about the woman at work. I have been disclosed to a lot.
[PARTNER]
My husband did this disclosure and we didn’t have any facilitation. I was so angry I think I scared him, and because I insisted, he told me lots of details. I kept screaming that if he wanted me to stay he had to tell me everything, so unfortunately I got everything, including her clothes size and color of hair and eyes. I wanted to know exactly which internet sites he was on. I wanted to know what they did when they had dates, where they had gone, etc. So what did I do with that? I made him take me to the places he took her. For whatever reason, he mostly acted out with redheads, and so being a brunette I quickly colored my hair red. I had him buy me the exact presents he bought the other women. Well, none of this did anything for me or him. It just kept me wound up and him crazy.
These women certainly “got the news,” in a variety of ways but that’s not what I’m talking about here. The word disclosure is a therapeutic term that describes a structured conversation mediated by a professional counselor who provides both physical and emotional safety, wherein the addict shares (discloses) the extent of his sexual acting-out behavior. While it is emotionally difficult, when it’s done in a manner that offers support to both of you, it has the potential to lessen the craziness you have been experiencing and provide much-needed validation to your suspicions.
In a professionally mediated disclosure process the standard practice is for the generalities—not the specifics—of the acting-out behavior be disclosed. Some partners insist on all the details down to the color of a lover’s clothing. The Women of the Lodge refer to that as pain shopping. You seek the details, but being privy to minute details only tends to help you stay obsessed and reactive, resulting in more pain and anxiety.
Essentially you are taking the detailed information and recycling it. Traumatized by knowing his every behavior, you retraumatize yourself. Some women don’t want to know anything about what happened. They just want to hear that the behavior has stopped. To assume the behavior has stopped because it has been exposed is denial. Seeing only one piece of the picture maintains your denial about the seriousness and extent of the problem. Ignorance is not bliss.
When you know the bigger picture it may seem like your relationship is in even more trouble than you previously thought. Yet, addiction thrives in secrecy. Truth is the only way intimacy is ever truly achieved. There is no doubt that this is a time of intense feelings and great uncertainty, but disclosure levels the playing field. Since you are no longer in the dark, you are in a better position to know how to go forward and make informed decisions. I strongly recommend that you and your partner work through the disclosure with therapists trained and certified in working with couples impacted by sex addiction. (See Helpful Resources in the back of this book.)
[THERESE]
I agreed to the disclosure, after all it seemed that we were both working up to it with our separate therapists. I really wanted to hear what he had to say, yet, I still wasn’t sure. I knew the pretending had to stop. Just being ready to try to move on wherever we went in our relationship made it easier for me to hear. Oh, I hated him in the moment. I couldn’t look at him, though I hung on to every word. I did ask a couple of questions. It was important for me to know if any of our family knew of this and to know the last time he was on the internet. I heard him talk about what he was going to do to stop this behavior, but what impacted me was how much more serious this was than I had guessed.
[PARTNER]
I’d already knew a lot about my partner’s behavior before we had this formal disclosure, but it was helpful for me to hear it in a more level way. It wasn’t so emotional now. I knew we were having this conversation because we were trying to keep our marriage and I am hopeful that we will, but I’m aware he and I both have a lot of work to do.
For a disclosure to be helpful and to lessen furthering greater trauma, there are suggested prerequisites.
1. Addict is demonstrating commitment to stop all acting-out behavior (this means actively involved in some form of treatment/recovery practice).
2. Addict needs foundation in recovery. Therapist assesses the addict’s ability to be honest, his emotional strength, his understanding of his behavior and makes recommendation for timing.
3. Partner needs understanding of sex addiction, that the behavior not about the partner, and garnering understanding of traumatic responses.
4. Boundaries for discussion agreed upon. There are established boundaries as to the content, and to self-care. Listening and speaking boundaries are explained, so neither party is subject to being victimized. Both containment and protection boundaries will be in place. Both parties able to demonstrate emotional regulation.
5. Partner has established support. Support system informed when the disclosure will take place. Because it is difficult to remain objective, family and friends often not the best support. Your best support may be a peer group of others in recovery
6. Support is available to both individuals before, during, and after disclosures
Suggested generalities to be shared in disclosure are:
1. In what type(s) of behavior was he engaged? (For example, extramarital affairs, prostitution, pornography, voyeurism, masturbation, fetishes, and so on.)
2. How long has he been acting out?
3. Is there a possibility that either of you is at risk of sexually transmitted diseases? Will his acting-out behavior affect your health?
4. Have the family finances been impacted? How has the money been acquired, and how much has been spent to engage in the behavior?
5. Are there any legal issues, such as the possibility of other children or legally binding arrangements with others? (Owning property with a mistress, outstanding warrants, pending court action, and so on.)
6. Did he engage in any behaviors with friends, family members, or other individuals known to you?
Most sex addiction experts believe disclosure is beneficial to the addict, the partner, and the coupleship. Truth telling is an important component in restoring trust.
For the partner, this type of disclosure has the potential to:
• Allow for an adult-to-adult relationship on an equal basis
• Empower her with the truth
• Give her the ability to make informed choices based on the truth
• Allow her to embrace recovery
For the addict, it:
• Reinforces accountability in his recovery
• Reinforces honesty with others and self
• Facilitates the letting go of his shame
For both, it begins the opportunity to:
• Break the addictive system
• Heal the relationship
[ADDICT]
I was pushed into telling my partner by my counselor. I went to treatment only because I knew this time she would really leave me. I didn’t really get what it meant to be an addict. When questioned in treatment, I was honest about what I had been doing. But I didn’t want to tell her because I knew she would be mad and I would disappoint her. I knew deep down she was the best person ever in my life. I knew she loved me when I couldn’t and hadn’t been able to love myself. I didn’t want her to see the terrible person I was. But I put my trust in those counselors, and today I believe it was important to put the information into the light—it is what allowed us to move forward.
[ADDICT]
I’m sitting in front of the woman I married and she can’t look at me. She seems so fragile, and I tell her all of these things about myself. I felt worse than an animal that lives underground. I felt I didn’t deserve her. I so didn’t want her to leave me but knew she might. I had to do this for us to have a chance.
The impact of planned and mediated disclosures vary, but again, if working with skilled sex addiction and partner trained therapists, partners will find a mediated disclosure was needed to go forward with healing.
THE DRIBBLING EFFECT
Even when you participate in a mediated disclosure, and you think you’ve been told the whole story, many partners experience what I call the “dribbling effect.” You think you have been told everything, and then with time more and more information gradually reveals itself.
[PARTNER]
As we sat in a therapist’s office and he told me what had been going on throughout our entire marriage, I kept asking him if that was all, had he told me everything. He swore that was it. He was crying, asking me not to leave. I told myself somehow I would cope with this.
Somehow we could find a way to go forward now that I knew. But then over the next two years I would find out more. He was no longer acting out but he hadn’t told me a lot of the real story at the supposed time of disclosure. I would find out more because I found pictures when I was in his office. I found out more when I was reviewing some retirement accounts. I found out more when he told me one day he had something else he needed to tell me. It was about his once being involved with a woman I knew who was moving back to our community. Each time I got more information, it was a setback for me. I honestly believe that as painful as it would have been, it would have been better for me to know everything all at once. He would tell me he had told me all, and then more kept coming. It made it hard to believe there wasn’t yet more to come.
Even when working with a counselor and encouraged to be as honest as possible, he may not be prepared to be totally honest. Sometimes his shame is so great he is only emotionally equipped to share some information; other times he may consciously or unconsciously be protecting his stash; or he may think disclosing additional information will be the deal breaker for the coupleship and he is too scared to take that chance.
It’s also possible that at the time of disclosure an addict may not fully remember some of his past behaviors. Addicts are very skilled in compartmentalizing their behaviors and have learned to detach from them often within hours, if not minutes, after engaging. So when months and often years pass, some behaviors may be quite distant from his consciousness. To live with the shame, he has learned how to push aside specific memories and details.
As those memories are triggered (by a conversation, by being in a specific place, or while watching a movie, for example), he is then confronted with how he is going to reveal this information to you. Either he shares it and risks you believing he has deliberately been deceiving you, or he says nothing and you inadvertently discover the information.
No doubt, this dribbling disclosure is debilitating to building trust. But if you and he are engaged in recovery practices, you can get through this excruciating phase. I strongly suggest that you take any new information that has dribbled out after a planned and mediated disclosure to a counselor to facilitate healthy discussion and accountability.
After Disclosure
Hearing the news is painful and your response may vary from relief that finally your perceptions and your senses are validated to humiliation, shame, rage, disbelief, and back again. This emotional roller coaster can last for days and even weeks. You may be asking, “What now? Just because he’s finally honest doesn’t make everything okay.” It’s not okay—it hurts, and it hurts deeply.
Depending on the extent of the behavior and your level of surprise the first few days and weeks after disclosure can be very overwhelming. Some women are not so overwhelmed as much as they are relieved to hear the truth, or have their suspicions validated. After taking in the information, remember that you do have choices, and it is important that you ascertain what you need as far as contact and distance are concerned. For the moment, make no major decisions other than those that involve your safety. Most partners need time apart from the addict. It may be an hour, a few hours, one night, a few days, or even longer. You may choose to sleep separately for a while or not even stay in the same house. While the addict may perceive this as punishing behavior, healthy boundaries are about honoring the pain you feel and what you need at this time for your own emotional safety.
You may feel confused about boundaries and ultimatums. You aren’t setting boundaries to punish him, you set them to honor and protect yourself, to help you feel safe and confident so that you can heal.
Whether the disclosure came as a surprise or was professionally mediated—or perhaps it was both—there are likely more additional issues to be attended to as a consequence of hearing the news. There are often immediate problems that range from financial, to legal, to public exposure issues, etc. You also have other areas of your life that need your time, such as work or school, raising children or even grandchildren, and other activities. It’s best to take things one step at a time. Take a deep breath, ask for guidance, and do the next indicated step. Then breathe again, ask for guidance, and move forward again—one step at a time.
GETTING TESTED FOR STDS
Regardless of how you learn the news, it is vital to your health that you get tested for all sexually transmitted diseases. Even if you believe your partner had no physical contact with another person—because he was engaged in voyeurism, exhibitionism, or cyber sex—this step is essential. It’s a healthy precaution, as you may not yet know the full extent of the acting out, and it may be more than he is telling you. This is another dark moment in the process of living with sexual compulsivity. Most partners say that being tested is humiliating, and for many it evokes incredible anger and despair. Nevertheless, your responsibility to yourself is a priority. This is a positive step in your self-care and your healing.
[PARTNER]
Here I am looking at this questionnaire in the doctor’s office. Do I use IV drugs? Do I have multiple sex partners? Do I practice unsafe sex? Do I engage in unusual sex? Then I see the “Other” box in which I get to write, “My husband of twelve years has sex with prostitutes and then comes home to me.” I want to scream. I want to die. I want to tear his eyes out. And instead I hold my head up and act like this is an everyday occurrence. Funny, maybe it has been.
[PARTNER]
I’m sitting in my doctor’s office and she asks me if I’m okay, as obviously I don’t look okay. My face is bloated and my eyes are red from crying and I tell her I need to be tested for STDs because my husband is a sex addict and I’m really not sure I know who he has been with. I then burst into sobs and she simply takes my hands in hers and waits until I’m done crying. Then, without any judgment but with great compassion, she tells me we will find out what we need to know.
Shame and/or denial can prevent or stall you from being tested. You might be thinking, My partner would not engage in something that would cause me to develop a chronic or even fatal health problem. And if he did, of course he would tell me. But being tested is necessary and will relieve or confirm any thoughts about possible exposure.
[PARTNER]
My first exposure to a STD was pretty significant, as it threatened the welfare of our unborn child. I was having herpes outbreaks during my pregnancy and we had a serious talk about a caesarean section to deliver the baby safely. I had never had herpes until after I had been with my husband for a few years. I told myself it couldn’t be from him, but I also knew I had not been exposed to anyone else.
When I became aware of the extent of his acting out, I don’t know if I felt more anger about anything other than the fact that he would thoughtlessly risk my health and even my life with unsafe sex. How could he do that to anyone, especially me, his wife? Today I get that he just didn’t think about that and that it is a part of the addiction. In spite of being terrified, I did not get tested because I had a life insurance physical exam coming up and knew there would be some blood work that would verify if I had HIV or another sexually transmitted disease. Even after the exam, as scared as I was awaiting the results, I was so ashamed I couldn’t talk to anyone about it.
[PARTNER]
I discovered during my husband’s disclosure that his way of reassuring himself that he was safe was by donating blood, because part of the blood donation screening process is testing for HIV. How could he be so careless with his and my safety? To stoop to those bizarre levels of justification and denial around what he was doing to us was incomprehensible to me.
Again, being tested is an act of self-care. You don’t have to explain your circumstances to anybody, not the nurse, not the doctor. Just tell the physician you have a need to be checked for all sexually transmitted diseases.
BEING SEXUAL AFTER DISCLOSURE
How can you be sexual with your partner who has betrayed you? If you are not sexual with him, are you giving him justification to act out again? If you are sexual with him, are you crazy to even want to be with him? These are normal and expected questions at this stage. There is a lot of emotional intensity attached to these concerns.
First, you are not giving him justification to act out if you do not want to be sexual right now. If he is serious about wanting a healthy relationship with you, he will honor this boundary. Remember, addicts use whatever they can to justify their behavior. It is not your responsibility to control him. If you find yourself wanting to be sexual after hearing the disclosure and that surprises you, know that for some people this desire to be sexual is a form of validation that they are still desirable. For him, sex is the answer to most things, and his desire for sex with you may be to garner assurance that you still love him and won’t leave him. The consuming desire to be sexual by either of you in the face of crisis, often referred to as the honeymoon effect, is an attempt to reaffirm that all will be okay. Unfortunately, it only offers a temporary and false sense of security, an illusion of safety. This doesn’t mean that the relationship isn’t going to work. It is a combination of time with active recovery practices that has the potential to sustain the relationship.
Answering the following questions as honestly as you can will help you recognize your motives and help you decide whether or not you are ready to be sexual with your partner.
• Do I want to be sexual out of fear he will go elsewhere if I am not?
• Do I think I will be able to control his behavior if I am sexual with him?
• Do I believe having sex reaffirms he still loves me?
• Do I withhold sex as a way of punishing him?
• Do I not want to be sexual with him because I don’t feel the intimacy sex would imply?
To aid in this initial decision, know that nearly all sex addiction specialists recommend an initial ninety-day period of no sexual behavior in early recovery. The purpose of this abstinence contract, which is really a verbal agreement, is not to punish either the addict or you, but to help the addict learn how to better articulate his feelings and thoughts without using sex as a medicator or fix. It is essential for him to learn new skills for getting his emotional and relational needs met. This ninety-day sabbatical also affords you time to begin your healing. While some women say the sex between them and their partner is still good, this is not a timeout that focuses on the physicality of sex but a break from the physical act to rebuild trust, emotional intimacy, and safety in your relationship. Also know there is nothing particularly magical at ninety days. The pain may still be so great, and recovery behavior so new that you need more time before you are ready to pursue sexual intimacy. The coupleship needs emotional intimacy before sexual intimacy feels safe. There are many issues that will influence one’s readiness, and it is very likely the idea of healthy sexuality is so foreign it needs to be navigated with a therapist.
When being sexual with your partner is an option for you it is critical that you approach it from a place of strength.
Should I Stay or Should I Leave?
Many women have threatened to leave a relationship if their suspicions are validated or the behavior reoccurs; some do leave, while others, in spite of their threats, do not. If family and friends know of your situation, they may encourage you either to leave or to disregard his behavior and stay. Regardless of past threats, to leave or stay is a decision that you want to make from a position of inner strength, not because of emotional reactivity (a time of emotional overload interfering with the ability to think through the situation clearly). If you are just beginning your own recovery, you don’t have to make such a major decision right now. When you feel as if your head and heart are spinning, make as few life-changing decisions as you can. It is easy to believe that the problem is totally him and that leaving him or getting a divorce is the quick, simple solution: If he was just out of my life, it would be such a relief. But quitting the relationship out of spite causes more problems in the long run. I’m not saying you should stay in the relationship. I’m saying if you take some time, things will become clearer. When you immerse yourself in finding your voice and your strengths and can objectively assess how seriously your partner is engaging in his recovery practices, you will have clarity.
[PARTNER]
With the last discovery, and they have been going on for over thirty-eight years, I knew I was leaving. And he knew it too. I always threatened but this was different. I was really done. But he did what he could. He did what he never did before. He sought help and he sought the right help. I was honest, I told him I just couldn’t stay but I needed time. I think he thought because I didn’t move out right away he had a chance. I even attended therapy sessions with him. I wanted help to understand, and I wanted him to feel I supported his recovery. But I didn’t feel an ounce of love anymore. I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life with him even if he was totally changed. It took me about a year and half, but I did leave. He is the father of my children and I hope he embraces recovery. For me, I have a lot to heal from.
[PARTNER]
It’s odd because I knew of some of my husband’s behavior and suspected even more. But it wasn’t until a counselor guided us in a disclosure process that I insisted upon some level of separation. I asked that at least for a few nights he stay with a friend or at least outside of the house. I couldn’t make a decision past just a few days. After those few days, it felt okay for him to come back home. We have two young children and we both thought that they needed to see him. So for the next few weeks, I simply asked that he sleep in a different room.
We managed to have dinner together with the kids. Our conversation at home was very superficial. Our much-needed serious conversations were with a counselor. I was also quickly directed to a women’s group where I did a lot of talking that I needed to do. But I also heard a lot of things that I needed to hear. While I was still incredibly hurt, angry, and unsure, we gradually resumed sleeping in the same bed. What I came to realize is that I didn’t want to “throw the baby out with the bath water.” I believe there is hope.
When women leave with spite, they take their confusion, righteous anger, blame, and pain with them, contaminating all aspects of their lives. It impacts how they feel about themselves, how they relate to others, and their parenting skills. It increases the likelihood of not completing the grief process or addressing any family of origin dynamics. As much as you vow and can’t believe you’d ever repeat this experience, not addressing these issues sets you up for trauma repetition.
[PARTNER]
After three years of my husband having countless affairs and berating me sexually, I left him for another man. What I didn’t know was that this new guy already had a girlfriend at the time. So sure enough, it was happening again. But I was determined to make this relationship work, thinking that somehow I was just a failure at relationships. After a couple of years, he left me. I took a break from relationships for a while. Feeling better about myself, I then met another man and after a year of dating we married. Within days of my wedding I was a raving lunatic, totally searching for “the other woman.” I nearly drove my new husband away. He was the one who told me I should go address my issues. He called them mine—not my previous husband’s problems. I was clearly taking my fears of abandonment, my anger, and my pain from my previous relationship and dumping them into my new relationship.
MAKING THE DECISION
In the long run, the decision to stay or leave often involves incremental steps to garner a stronger foundation to make that decision.
[SARA]
Over the years, in spite of my suspicions and even some knowledge, I stayed in the marriage because I craved safety more than anything. But when we had a real name for it, when he and I both recognized it was sex addiction, by then there was so much muddy water under the bridge that the additional knowledge was too much. I needed a time-out. I pretty much knew that right away. I couldn’t contain my anger in his presence, and I had so much to deal with—my breast cancer in particular. A separation was suddenly a very clear and viable option. But he was motivated and getting the kind of help he had needed for years. I didn’t know for sure what I wanted. The time-out gave me clarity and I could go forward. After nearly a year of separation, we both arrived at the same decision: since we had been together in the addiction, we wanted to try being together in recovery.
Sara realizes that she and her husband didn’t have the opportunity to know what was possible in their relationship in a healthy way because for years he was trapped in his addiction and she in her trauma. The timing of learning about the depth of betrayal was complicated as she was also battling cancer. She knew herself well enough to know that her judgment about any decisions she would need to make regarding her physical care and her marriage was severely impaired by the depth of her anger. The anger was so great that she wanted the physical separation; she wanted time with herself so she wasn’t in a state of reactivity. She needed to gain clarity.
After months of separation she was now experiencing her husband differently. Even more important to her, she was experiencing herself differently and she wanted to see if there was potential for them as a couple. She understood that there were no assurances about her husband’s behavior, but she saw a commitment on his part to be in therapy and attend workshops and twelve-step meetings for his sex addiction. She also experienced him differently in his communication. She didn’t see or feel any of the old behavior. This gave her hope. But, more important, she was learning a lot about herself in her own therapy process. She realized she had a self-destructive pattern with men and that it was not about her choosing a different man but about being different herself. She was finding her voice in her ability to know what she wanted and needed; she was learning to own that verbally. She was learning about boundaries. She was learning to focus on herself more and to act from a place of self-care instead of self-protection.
THERAPEUTIC SEPARATION
The process Sara has described is a therapeutic separation. It is not unusual to want some degree of separation to sort out your thoughts and feelings. Best facilitated by a therapist or counselor, together you and your partner agree to a separation for a specific amount of time. Then you will come back together to renegotiate the terms of the relationship at the end of that time. Significant to this process is that each of you has a specific plan about what you will be addressing during this separation period. For example, you commit to work with a therapist on childhood issues once a week, you agree to read specific books related to partner betrayal, he agrees to go to a treatment program, or he agrees to end certain relationships. You will also make decisions as to what type and amount of contact you will have during this time and what specific financial and parenting responsibilities are maintained.
The following couple decided to take a therapeutic separation very soon after the initial disclosure. Being together was simply not an option for them.
[PARTNER]
By the time my husband went to treatment for his sex addiction, I wanted a divorce. Nonetheless I agreed to participate in the therapy process they had for family members. Our relationship was so antagonistic and acrimonious that we both agreed to an immediate separation. I really thought we would divorce. But I followed the therapist’s advice and made no legal decisions. I used this time to focus on myself and try to figure out what I wanted and more of who I was. I had so much anger long before this marriage. Overall, I liked our separation; I found a freedom. It felt better than being together. While we thought it would be a three-month separation, it was actually a year. We both attended twelve-step programs, and both of us did a lot of therapy. It took a lot of discussion for me to have ownership of myself and some independence of him. After a year we got back together, but I still wasn’t convinced it would work. Well, here we are twelve years later. I never would have imagined we would be the people we are today. We committed ourselves individually to our respective therapy processes and by doing so came together as a family.
The next example of therapeutic separation is less acrimonious. This couple believes therapeutic separation allowed them to learn more of what they needed individually, separate from each other, to allow them a healthier relationship down the road.
[PARTNER]
My husband and I have been in recovery for many years, he regarding pornography and myself for betrayal trauma and codependency. During this time he has had a few relapses. In our seventh year of recovery his acting out escalated.
He was going to massage parlors and having physical contact. I requested that he sleep in a separate bedroom for a few nights. I was angry, scared, and confused, and I didn’t feel I could honor him or myself by sharing the same bed. Due to his relapse behavior, our counselor recommended shifting the dynamics in our coupleship with a ninety-day therapeutic separation. The first thirty days, outside of counseling, we would have no contact unless there was a physical emergency. The next thirty days would be renegotiated. Immediately, I felt scared as to what this meant for our marriage. We had been married for twenty-six years; he is my best friend. Yet I understood that something had to change. I didn’t want to keep living a life of his acting out. I cried a lot during the first few weeks. The accumulation of fear, sadness, and not knowing where our marriage was headed worried me. But clearly both of us found the separation helpful. He is confronting some major underlying issues that with my presence were being glossed over, particularly owning his anger. I also see how enmeshed we were, to the point of being unhealthy. In just a short period of time I see how, as individuals and as a couple, we will be healthier and have a greater possibility of recovery.
[JACQUE]
We had a therapeutic separation a couple years after we began recovery. He had a slip in his sexual sobriety and it was my sponsor who suggested to me that a time-out may be what I need to do for me. The separation coincided with his decision to seek treatment for his loss and trauma issues, which were triggering relapse. One of the things I worked on most for myself during this time was what life would be like if I chose to divorce.
While I did not make the decision to divorce, it was an important issue to explore. It was very empowering. I realized that even with a divorce I could go on and live my life. I would feel great loss but the idea of being by myself was no longer so frightening. I had spent my whole life wanting to be safe and had given my sense of safety over to men who violated or betrayed me. I finally was really getting the idea that I had the ability and the responsibility to make myself safe. Well, now a few years have passed. We have chosen to stay together and I am hopeful for our relationship. Today my choice to stay is from a place of strength, not fear.
[JENNY]
After one and a half years of attempting recovery practices, my husband and I pursued a therapeutic separation that ultimately preceded our divorce. To say the least, we were having a rocky time. I was working so hard to figure out who I was and what I needed. I think that was confusing to him. I think he thought that if he just said he wasn’t acting out anymore, everything would be okay. But the relationship had not been okay on most levels for years. So I just kept moving forward in terms of knowing that I needed a life other than being reactive to him. As I stayed fervent in my recovery process, he eventually stopped all of his counseling. Most of our core issues were still unresolved. I had learned so much about healthy relationships that I knew that I could not be in a relationship that didn’t practice recovery. I was committed to becoming healed, not only for my benefit, but for the long-term benefit of my kids as well. My spiritual healing was very strong and with trusted friends for support, I knew what I needed to do. I never thought I would ever be divorced or be the one to file for one. In my marriage my husband was always the one threatening to divorce me! While I was scared, I made the decision from a position of strength.
Although Jenny chose to divorce her husband after a therapeutic separation, many couples reenter their renegotiated marriages successfully. For many couples, structured time out with terms and goals often secures their coupleship.
It is important that you do what works for you. Do what you think is healthiest for you. Your best determination will come from a place of strength, not from fear or shame or rage.
Am I Crazy to Love Him?
In your healing journey it is normal to experience a multitude of feelings and, often, contradictory ones. You may hate him one moment, love him the next, be enraged another, and then feel profound sadness. But no, you aren’t crazy for still feeling love. You may honor valued history together and treasure what you experience to be honest times. Others may certainly tell you you’re crazy. Then some partners are so angry, tired, and despairing they can’t fathom the thought of still loving the addict. But don’t confuse your loving feelings with not being free to be angry or not having a voice. These feelings are yours—yours to own without having to justify or explain. Remember, though, that while love is often unconditional, healthy relationships are not. To make your relationship work you need to establish conditions. It will take time to sort out the basis of your love, its strength and foundation.
Learning the news, whether it’s done in a formal disclosure process, a media story, or an inadvertent mishap, can make you feel like your heart has been ripped out of your chest. The intensity and waves of emotion seem relentless and never-ending. Yet when you allow yourself the opportunity to be witnessed, validated, and led by others who have been there and found a path out of this dark time, you will find the strength to take the self-care actions that are a part of your healing. There are a lot of questions at this stage. Your head may feel as if it is exploding or you may be absolutely numb—probably both—but you will find answers. It is my hope that you are already finding direction and will continue to do so as you read on.
Reflective Thoughts and Questions
• How did you initially become aware or suspicious of your partner’s behavior?
• What are your thoughts and feelings about further disclosure with a therapist?
• Have you experienced the dribbling effect? If so, what has that been like for you?
• Have you been, and/or are you willing to be, tested for sexually transmitted diseases?
• Would a short-term celibacy contract be helpful to you? If so, explain. Do you see the value of it for your partner?
• What was important for you to learn in this chapter?