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I CRASHED ONTO THE desk, burying my head in my arms. I wouldn't cry. I refused to cry. I was a tough nut and I could handle this.
Yet...
When Razer had looked at me that way, I wanted nothing more than to throw my arms around him and tell him I didn't mean it. but then what? That look had torn my heart to pieces, shattered it like a jackhammer, and it only hurt me more that I was the one causing the pain.
The two of us could never, ever get together. If I let him get any closer, I'd end up with no job at all. He was wrong for me. He was all kinds of wrong. I could write an encyclopedia on the wrongs of Razer.
It was so much more than that, though. The feelings I had for Razer were not the right feelings. They weren't the feelings I wanted to have. I wasn't myself when I was with him. I was some smishy, soft girl with a gooey belly. He woke up the dreams I had buried deep within me. All kinds of shit swirled to the surface.
I imagined the two of us together, happy and smiling. A future that stretched on forever.
But, looking at things logically, that future could never exist. He was a rocker and rockers never made for good relationships. They screwed around, they only thought of themselves and they couldn't be depended on.
Even if, at times, Razer acted like he could be depended about, he blew it all away when he was late for the photoshoot and then up there on stage with that girl. I knew she meant nothing to him but he’d always flirt. He’d always have women throwing themselves at him, too.
Music pounded from outside my office. Upstairs, a band soundchecked and downstairs, Carlie played something loud and angry in the bar. I’d never be able to concentrate on work.
If I went through the thousands of rockers I'd met in my life, pretty much all of them fell into that category. Good for a one-night stand or a fling, if you were into that kind of thing, but they weren't boyfriend material.
Razer, he didn't have that smell. He was different from other musos. For a few brief moments, I’d thought maybe I could be with him and not lose myself.
But, no.
I couldn't think like that. That path led to destruction.
Anyway, he'd never look at me again. Not after the way I'd twisted his heart in my hands. I'd closed the door and locked it tight.
I was doing the right thing. The smart thing. My career and my life were on the line and I didn't believe that Razer had a part in that future.
So, why did it feel like the life was draining out of me? Pain suffocated me. I needed to get air but I didn't want to leave my office and face everyone. They'd be joking around and I'd have to plaster on a smile.
I wiped my eye. Damn it, I had some dust or something in it, making it water.
Someone knocked on my door.
"Go away," I called.
"It's only me," Carlie replied, opening the door and coming in. "I thought I'd knock. I saw Razer walking out of here like he'd been crushed so I didn't want to walk in on any emotional – shit, have you been crying?"
"Nope, just got something in my eye."
But Carlie looked at me like she didn't believe a word I was saying. She stared, in fact.
I shook my head.
"It's nothing. Maybe overwork and stress."
Carlie lit up a cigarette and sat on the sofa.
"Well, that'd sure be getting to you. Things just go from crazy to totally insane around here. Drew's decided he has some kind of weird tropical disease and thinks he's going to die. He's never even been to the tropics. Mark wants to get a Mohawk and has been asking me a million times if I think it'll suit him. Babs has been jumping down the throat of everyone who talks to her. Sometimes, I wish Chuck would just announce he's selling. At least we wouldn’t have the uncertainty. I think the anticipation of the worst is worse than the worst, if you know what I mean."
She ashed her cigarette.
"Are you sure you're okay?" she asked.
I nodded. I wasn't really in the mood for talking. The sunshine had gone from my world and I just wanted to be alone but Carlie just had to push things.
“You must’ve been pretty rough on Razer, the way he looked when he left here. He was shattered. What the hell did you do to him?”
“I told him he had no hope with me.”
Carlie laughed. Not a real laughter but a really sarcastic, dry laugh.
“Shit, Violet, you’re my friend and all but you are being a right bitch. You can’t be serious. You are running so cold and hot with that guy, he doesn’t know which way his head’s on.”
I folded my arms and glared at her. She could get out of my office if that’s how she was going to talk. That didn’t stop Carlie from snarling.
“Listen, I have no idea what shit is going on with you but you aren’t handling this well and from the look of your miserable face, it’s not what you want either. You’re being a dumb bitch, Violet.”
I had my reasons. Reasons Carlie didn’t know about. No one knew except Chuck and he’d never spilled the beans, surprisingly. I guess he couldn’t hold it over me if everyone knew.
I took a deep breath. Maybe it’d be good to tell someone. It was so hard to live with. If nothing else, it’d shut Carlie up for once and for all.
“Something happened. It was way back when you’d just started here. I didn’t know you that well.”
I picked at the edge of a notebook sitting on my desk.
“I finally worked my way up to band booker after pestering Chuck about it for two years. George, the guy who used to book bands, had taken me under his wing and showed me the ropes. I think he wanted to show me more than the ropes but I managed to avoid that. I worked behind the bar but every spare minute I had, I'd work with him, doing all the shit jobs so he could sit back and take it easy. Poor old George had taken it too easy, though. A heart attack meant he had to quit and I had my chance. For about a year, I'd had my own ideas about how things should be run but he'd rejected any idea I had.
“He’d tell me it was the way things were always done. And I’d tell him that didn’t mean it was the best way. He’d nod but nothing ever changed. He’d just get all defensive like I was invading his territory.”
I looked up and smiled.
“Sounds about right.” Carlie took a drag on her cigarette. “Old dinosaur.”
“When he retired, I got a chance to make this place into something. Instead of being a bar that had bands, we became THE club to play. Then, bam, I started dating one of the guys hanging around the place. Hottest guitarist in town. Hot in body anyway, he was a shit guitarist for a shit band. Pete Cooper. That man was sex on legs. Too much sex. Not enough legs.”
“Hey, I remember him. He was fucking hot as. What happened to him?”
I was getting to that bit. Carlie could just wait.
“It was all about the sex. They were supposed to be playing one night and we got really hot and heavy before they went on.
"Come on, Violet, just a quickie before I go on stage. I'm burning up here. I can't play because I'm so crazy for you. That was the kind of shit he said.”
Shit that I fell for because that guy had me wrapped around his finger. I didn’t tell Carlie that because it still made me burn up inside to think I’d fallen for his stupid tricks. I’d thought he’d loved me and we had something. Pete hadn’t thought the same.
“I was supposed to be working the door but he had me up against the wall, lips locked together and his hand up my skirt. We were pretty much dry humping for the world to see.”
“Hey, don’t beat yourself up about that.” Carlie smiled. “Everyone in the world has dry-humped someone in that room. Some of them even wet hump. God, they do it downstairs. More than one girl has got in trouble at Trouble...”
“Oh, it gets worse.” I didn’t want her turning this into a joke. I hunched forward, tense and ready to flee.
“Sorry. It’s just that I think you are overthinking this. One bad relationship doesn’t break you forever.”
As she said that, a funny look came over her face. Like she’d realized what she’d said and how it applied to herself. Carlie had secrets just like I did. Our friendship was built on not asking too many questions. Maybe I shouldn’t say anymore but, now that I’d started, I had to let it all out.
“We stopped because people had gathered around, watching and laughing. We needed privacy. I figured I could leave for five minutes. It was slow on the door. The band room was already packed and everyone who was going to show up was there already.
“With nothing but sex on the brain, the two of us race down to my office for some privacy. I left the cash box with the door takings with the bouncer. I mean, that was his job, right, to be security. The sex was fast but mind-blowing. He fucked me hard. I think there are still my nail marks in the desk from that night.”
“Where?” Carlie bent forward looking for them.
I pushed her way. She didn’t’ need to see my sex scratches.
“When I got back upstairs, the bouncer was nowhere in sight. With my brain still fuddled from the fucking, I ran to the bar and asked if they'd seen him.
“The barman said he’d gone out for a smoke break. My stomach dropped. He should not have been doing that. Not with all the takings for the night. What a dick. I ran downstairs to the back alley where everyone smokes. You were out there and I asked you if you’d seen him.”
Carlie nodded. “That big gorilla guy who always wore the purple suit. I remember him. Fred.”
“You said he hadn’t been out all night and I nearly threw up. I ran back inside, ran all over the club. He was gone. He was fucking gone. And he'd taken the night's takings with him.”
“Fuck. How did I never know about this?” Carlie lit up another cigarette and stared at me. “You must’ve been shitting yourself.”
“I came to my office and wrapped the blanket around me and just stared off into space until Chuck came in and found me. He raged at me because the band hadn’t gone on stage. It wasn’t just Fred who’d shot through – Pete disappeared along with Fred and the money.
“I never saw Fred the bouncer again. Or Pete the shit guitarist. They'd played me. Like a fool. I found out later that Pete had run up a shitload of drug debts. Thousands of dollars. I figured the two of them had split the takings and left town.”
I paused for a moment. Even the memory of that night had me shivering.
Carlie frowned. I always thought if I told anyone about that night, they’d laugh at me and I’d die from the humiliation. Stupid me, thinking that Pete loved me. But I should’ve trusted Carlie.
“Dickheads, it wasn't even that much money. Not enough to ruin my life over. When I told Chuck, he exploded. Went fucking nuts. And I didn't blame him. Said that’s why he didn’t want a chick doing this job. You get all cock hungry for anything carrying a guitar. Sends your brain crazy.”
“That’s a bit rich coming from Chuck, considering what a dick he makes of himself over his bimbos.”
“Yeah. I wanted to punch him but I couldn’t say a word because he was right. I'd been cock hungry and not thinking. Fred had only started working a week before that. I hadn't thought. My judgment had been clouded by insane lust.”
I didn’t want to look at Carlie in case she had judgment in her eyes. I’d been so stupid.
“Hey, it’s not that bad. You said yourself it was only around a grand – and how much money has Chuck lost us recently?”
She wasn’t wrong there but it was the principle more than anything.
“The only way I could hold onto my job was to promise not to get mixed with rockers ever again. Of course, I agreed. I thought he’d forget about it in a few months’, but he’s never let me live it down. If I spend too much time talking to anyone, he always finds out.”
“And now he’s put the pressure on you to agree to this competition because he wants the money. What an absolute bastard. He can’t change the rules midcourse to suit himself. I see now why you were so against it.”
Carlie put out her cigarette.
“Even without that promise to Chuck, I'd have never dated another muso again. Fucking men. Fucking rockers. Who needed that shit in their life?”
Carlie walked over and rubbed my arm. “It was one bad experience. Razer’s no Pete. Alex isn’t either. You should give them a chance.”
Carlie could say that but I knew how close I’d come to disaster. I’d never let my judgment be clouded again.