| |
I DIDN’T GO STRAIGHT back to Trouble. It might’ve been weak of me but I didn’t want to face everyone, not after failing.
I’d lied. I’d lied to Razer when I told him I wanted him to play for the sake of saving the club. I wandered along the river, letting self-pity flood me.
If I’d been able to bring myself to tell him how I felt, that I needed, he might’ve stayed. It wasn’t about the club, it was about me.
Even before tonight, those things I'd said to him, that we didn't belong together, that we weren't right for each other had all been lies. I’d known that at the time. I'd been so scared of what would happen if I let him into my life that I'd destroyed things before they could even start. All I had was a crumbling pile of shit.
A cold wind blew around me. I had to go back. I couldn’t run away forever.
When I got back to the club, downstairs was empty. The crowd had cleared out. I figured Carlie must've told them to go home. I kicked a can someone had left sitting on the floor and stumbled toward my office.
I'd lost it all – the fight to save the club, Razer, and any chance I had for happiness. I didn't even want to think about my future. I might as well go to my office and pack up my stuff and go home.
Sure, I couldn't help that Razer got an offer he couldn't refuse but I'd failed at being true to myself and that was the hardest thing to take. I’d wanted to save everyone and, in the process, had agreed to all Chuck’s stupid conditions only to have him screw me over in the end.
Carlie hadn’t gone upstairs to work, obviously because the night had been canceled. Jackson still sat in his corner and a few other regulars lingered but I kept my head down. I didn't want to talk to anyone or even meet their eyes. I just wanted to be alone to lick my wounds. I'd sulk and maybe cry a little. I didn’t want company for that, I'd do it all alone in my crummy flat. Maybe I could buy a bottle of whiskey and a bucket of ice-cream. One or the other might make me feel better but I doubted it.
Damn Razer, he haunted me. I could've sworn I could smell the scent of him lingering in the bar. I guess he spent enough time there that it'd seeped into the walls. It seemed to even override the stale beer and Drew-sweat smells.
“Are you looking for me?”
I spun around. Razer?
What the hell was he doing in the club and not on a plane to fame and glory?
"I thought were going." The words came out with a small sob.
“You ran off before I finished talking. Like I said, Dazza got it all wrong. I’m not leaving Trouble, not like that.”
"You turned down the best offer of your life to play here? Are you fucking crazy?"
He shrugged. "You shoulda known I'd never be the kind of guy to turn my back on my friends. I couldn't leave you in the shit, Violet. That would be a ratbag thing to do. This club is my life, it's been everything to me. You guys needed the competition to survive. Friends do for friends. Anyway, with my talent and good looks, plenty of other chances will come along. Chances for me and my own band, not being a tag-along on someone else's shirttails."
Loyalty is as sexy as hell and Razer never looked sexier than he did at that moment.
“So, you’re going to play?” Carlie threw a cloth in the sink. “I should get upstairs then.”
“Just a minute,” he said to Carlie, then he turned to me. “You’re the crazy one, Violet. You rushed off without listening to me. I meant what I said. There’s no way in hell I’d date you if all you want is to save the club. There’s no way in hell I’m going to date you even if I win tonight. The only way I’m going to date you is if you want it with your entire heart.”
I gulped.
I had things I wanted to say to Razer but I wanted my words to come outright. I wanted him to know that it was him that matter to me. Sure, the club mattered and all that I couldn't devote my entire life to this club. It might not even be here for me soon. It was a job, a job I loved, but it'd never love me back. I had my priorities all mixed up.
I thought life with Razer would be chaos but, until today, I’d never realized what chaos my life would be without him.
I had to tell him, even with everyone in the bar listening.
“I want you,” I said, not daring to look up at Razer. “I want you with my entire heart.”
I wanted to say more but Razer swept me up in his arms, his lips smothering the words.