As I drift off to an uneasy sleep, I try to hold onto the encouragement I’ve had lately. There’s been bits of it from everywhere – Mr Baker, Olivia and Ash’s mum. I know it should mean something but it’s hard to believe in any of it.
On New Year’s Eve, I wake at 6.00am but stay in bed and weave in and out of sleep. Just before lunch, I get up to face the day, trudge down the hall but instead of going into the kitchen, I walk out onto the veranda. It’s murky outside – a plain, boring grey, like this day is no more special than any other. Yet this is it, this is the end of the year, the end of the decade.
This is the end of things.
I keep myself busy by playing pool, reading and prowling around my leather journal, until Ash calls and tells me to meet him at 7 pm. I eat and shower and tell Mum and Dad I’m going out – they warn me to be careful, because there are lots of idiots out for New Year’s, like werewolves who come out for full moons – and then go to meet Ash at the corner.
‘How’re you feeling?’ he says.
‘I’m okay.’
We don’t talk much as we walk down to Meadow Soccer Ground. The clouds are scattering. On the horizon, city buildings rise into a gorgeous golden evening that’s tinged with crimson, like the year is trying to hold onto a certain beauty but is quietly bleeding and expiring.
Ash and me sit against one set of the goals and wait for people to show up. Riley and Felicia are first, each with an arm around the other’s waist and Riley carrying all the drinks. He sets them down by Ash. Felicia looks at me and smiles and I know Riley’s told her about my stuff and, instinctively, I know he’s told her about my stuff so she’s not focusing on his stuff.
Others show up as night falls, shadows like spectres coming to remind me what I’m not a part of. Ethan brings a stereo, which he sets down and tunes to a radio station which is doing a countdown to the New Year. He also brings two six-packs of beer. Everybody brings drinks and I get jealous that I don’t even know if I can drink anymore on medication. I should check it. But it’s annoying. Something I never would’ve once thought about now needs an examination.
A breeze sweeps across the ground and we stumble around in darkness, realising this hasn’t been thought out too well. But then one of the light towers blinks on. Ethan comes out of the club room jingling keys.
‘I did tell you all about my part-time job here, didn’t I?’ he says.
Kids cheer and now there’s a real party atmosphere. I smell the alcohol, feel the radio vibrate, as it booms out music too loud so that the songs are distorted, and sense the energy as kids take up dancing. Gabriella spots me and comes over. She sits next to me, warm and soft.
‘Hey,’ she says.
We’re quiet. She keeps trying and I never know how to respond. And now it’s like she’s giving me a chance but only if I take the initiative.
‘What did you write for the Boland?’ I say. ‘The essay about improving the world.’
‘I wrote I couldn’t wave a wand and improve the world,’ Gabriella says, ‘and all I could do was try improve myself and be the best person I could. I said if enough of us could do that, maybe we could start a chain reaction of change – us, those around us and the world.’
‘That’s clever.’
‘You’re not just saying that?’
‘No. It is.’
Gabriella’s face softens. In a movie, this is when the guy and the girl would lean in towards one another and kiss. I wish I was better at this.
‘I’m not coming back next year,’ Gabriella says.
‘What?’
‘Mum and Dad want me to transfer to this exclusive girls’ college.’
‘You’re gonna do it?’
‘I think, yeah. Because of the divorce, they’re selling up, buying their own places. But they already had this planned before. Now with the Boland, they want to make sure I go to the best school.’
‘That’s…a shame.’
‘Why?’
Felicia’s smug little look haunts me. If I tell Gabriella the truth, I couldn’t handle if she responded the same. She won’t, she won’t, she’ won’t, I tell myself. She’s not Felicia. But I’m still scared of putting it out there. Anyway, this isn’t a love story. I’m not going to be saved by some cool girl. That’s not her job. And those things do only happen in stories.
‘I’m sorry,’ I say.
Gabriella waits for more. She sighs and rises. ‘Okay. I get the idea.’
She moves off. Felicia intercepts her and whispers in her ear. Gabriella looks back at me – not condemningly or anything like that. So that’s good. But Felicia chuckles. Riley throws an arm around her waist and the two slip away. Felicia’s probably told everybody – well, if Riley hasn’t already, because I see now that that’s Riley: he’d use it to make himself the centre of attention. I’m sure now that he started the rumours about Deanne. That’s his style.
I know what’s going to happen now – how many parties have I been to this year? I’m going to taper away into a shadow because I don’t belong here. I belong to the darkness.
I pick faces out in the crowd: Ash and Kat, although Ash glances at me like I’m a dog who might stray away; Gabriella now dancing with her friends; Samantha with her friends; Lachlan and Mickey drinking a beer each; Ethan and Jake dancing with some of the sportier girls; I don’t even know some of the faces. But they’re a big ball of happy.
I get up and drift away. Fireworks pop – it’s not New Year yet. I can tell that from the radio. Just premature poppers. Maybe I’ll walk the streets. Only I hear a yelp, and then a cry of, ‘Stop it!’ I know the voice: Felicia.
Riley and her are silhouettes under the struts of the scoreboard. They wrestle – well that’s what it looks like. But it becomes clear Felicia’s trying to break away from him. And then that her skirt is bundled up around her hips and her underwear halfway down her buttocks. She shrieks. Everything inside me balls into a single focus.
‘Hey!’ I say.
Riley and Felicia stop wrestling. I step forward and can just see Riley’s face. He glowers at me. ‘Can we have some privacy?’ he says.
Felicia tries to wrench her hands free from him. ‘I don’t want privacy!’
‘You fucking owe me!’
‘I don’t owe you shit. Let go!’
‘Riley, let her go,’ I say.
‘Keep walking,’ Riley tells him.
‘Let her go.’
‘This is none of your business.’
I hold my ground, my arms trembling.
‘Fuck off!’ Riley says.
‘I’m not going anywhere until you let her go.’
‘Or what? What? You weak, fucking cunt. What’re you going do?’
I step forward, although my legs might be made of marble. Felicia breaks free and yanks her skirt down. Riley takes a few steps towards me. Now my heart’s racing and there’s an irony that at least I know why. I almost laugh at the stupidity of it all.
Riley stops in front of me and puts his hands on his hips.
‘What the fuck is this?’
Ash is behind me – I smell the scotch first and then he brushes past me.
‘It’s fucking nothing, okay?’ Riley says.
Other kids form an arc around us. Felicia runs to her friends and huddles with them. Riley’s getting nervous, taking one step forward, then another back, knowing he’s now losing face in front of everybody. He steps up to Ash and shoves him in the chest.
Ash sways but keeps his footing.
‘So, this is what it’s gonna come down to?’ Riley says. ‘You and me.’
Ash still doesn’t say anything.
‘Fuck you! Fuck you both!’
Riley tries to burst right between Ash and me, but Ash props his shoulder, not giving Riley any room. Riley pinballs off him, steadies and keeps going. Everybody parts for him so he can walk through, not looking back.
‘You okay?’ Ash says.
I nod.
‘What about you?’ Ash asks Felicia.
Felicia nods furiously. ‘Thanks.’ She puts a hand on my shoulder and says in a tone that’s the most genuine tone she’s ever used with me, ‘Thanks.’
‘Come on!’ Ash says. ‘Let’s get back to it.’ He shoos at them with his hands. ‘You coming?’
‘Just give me a minute, huh?’
‘You sure?’
‘Yeah.’
I stand there as everybody walks back into the spotlit area.