THE campanology group began planning their activities, and the Bishop and his wife Samantha arranged a meeting with Glynis. It emerged that both women had belonged to the Tappets Showtime Dance Troupe. It was so named because of all tightfitting, red-and-black-coloured Basque, wearing top-hats and carrying lightweight walking canes used to tap out a rhythm whilst hoofing around the stage. It was to be a meeting full of surprises.
But not all was tranquil at the Retreat. Residents facing the rear of the building were suddenly awoken at seven in the morning, with the distinctive sound of bagpipes. This was Jock’s latest attempt to irritate the woman he called ‘the Bint’. Attempts that had, so far, miserably failed and had only led to her increasing interest in Jock.
Running along the rear of the building was a path overlooking the balcony of Martha Samuels. Jock, dressed in his kilt and a Lovat green jacket, decided he would march along the path from the garage at one end to the double, wooden gates at the other end and the back to a spot underneath her flat window, playing a selection of Highland’s laments.
As he began playing a mournful rendition, one elderly male resident emerged from his balcony and shouted down at Jock whilst waving a heavy walking stick and shouting a selection of profanities, “Quit that racket or I’ll be down to batter yer.” It was one of the politest requests. Jock played on unperturbed by the threats. Then, Martha appeared and looked down at him from her balcony. Dressed in an ankle-length housecoat, she smiled and threw him a kiss, waving at the same time.
Jock changed his musical style and adopted a stirring Highland marching tune. He marched away with Martha still waving and the elderly man from flat nine still bellowing a string of obscenities.
It would be midday before he’d discover if his early morning renditions of various piper’s tunes had antagonised him enough for her to leave him be. No such luck.
Sitting in the lounge, waiting for the arrival of the other three, Jock, now dressed in grey flannel trousers, white shirt and a dark blue blazer, wasn’t quick enough to avoid the attention of Martha. She made a beeline for him and, in a girlish pose, fluttered her eye lashes at him, “Oh, John, thank you for this morning. Being woken by a suitor playing the bagpipes is a great honour.”
He was flustered and tried to back away from her. She followed him until he became trapped in a corner of the room. Martha stroked his upper arm, “You did look smart, and you still do. You must come and have a meal with me soon. I’d like to know more about you.”
As this event was underway, the Colonel cooked a steak pie for his lunch. A couple of mouthfuls later, he decided it was unpalatable. He put the plate with the mostly uneaten pie on the kitchen top. His front door bell rang. He left with Lenny, leaving the remains of the pie on the side.
His three pals arrived to collect him for their visit to the Talbot. Jock didn’t move away from the corner. Martha stepped away from his side, giving him a wave and blowing him a kiss as she reached the door to the corridor.
He took a gulp from his hip flask while muttering, “I’ve failed. I’ve failed. I tell thee I’ve failed.” His earlier intake of a large dram and the top-up helped his spoken words. He looked despondent and said to the others, “Get me oota here, afore she pops up agin.” They said nothing and walked out to visit the pub.
He was beginning to feel a little more cheerful and sipped his large Glenmorangie and announced he would plan a new scheme, “I’ve gotta get her off me back.”
As the four enjoyed their socialising, Mary was updating her book-work as Ernest Fisher made a rare excursion from his flat. A few minutes later, he arrived at Mary’s office, said nothing and sat in an armchair, reading a copy of Magicians World. She did a double-take when she realised Ernest was stark naked. He remained silent as she enquired, “You alight, Ernie?” With the lack of response, she slowly got up from her desk and went the back office. She first rang the doctor’s surgery, then the care company.
An hour later, the doctor, a nurse and an ambulance with two white-clad attendants arrived. They persuaded him to dress and took him to the psychiatric wing at the hospital. He kept trying to convince anyone who would listen that he was really a ghost and should be left alone until those responsible issued him with his entry ticket to heaven.
The gang of four missed this episode of life at the Retreat. The Colonel arrived back at his flat to discover the contents of the meat pie had vanished. Bewildered, he threw the crusty remains is the trash can.
Reg stood outside Tesco, taking pictures on his mobile phone. He would then convert these images into black and white pencil drawings. I was a rare gift he had. He was taking one picture when young James stepped in view and smiled at the camera. “Ello Reg,” he said, “I want my picture.” It was one of the longest sentences he had said to anyone other than his mother. He ran away to catch-up with her.