Destin couldn’t believe Livia had kissed him.
It had been a brief, soft kiss, and perhaps she hadn’t meant anything by it, but because of the feelings it had triggered inside him—a burning, overwhelming need—it had him coldly, brutally, pushing her away.
He didn’t want her pity.
And he could not kiss the emperor’s bride.
Courage, consult, fealty, he repeated to himself, over and again. He would not have his loyalty called into question.
He must not feel anything towards her. It would get in the way of his ability to protect her. It would jeopardise her safety. And his own life too.
He was in a foul mood, and it wasn’t helped that he had had to spend the entire night sitting on that too-small, rock-hard chair, watching over her, her body tossing and turning, her beautiful chest gently rising and falling. And all he could think about was the feel of her hands on his skin, her soft lips brushing against his.
As soon as the sun had risen over the mountains and he’d felt it was safe enough for him to leave her, he’d exited the room and the hospice and checked the periphery of the building, looking for signs of any unwanted visitors. Thankfully, all was quiet.
He took in a few lungfuls of air and admired the dramatic scenery. It helped to calm him. And yet it wasn’t anywhere near as beautiful as the scene back in that room... Livia’s slender body stretched out on the furs, her silky black hair having come loose and spread across the pillow, her cheeks still rosy from the mountain air.
She had eventually fallen asleep last night, and he’d known it by the way her breathing had changed. But he’d listened to her having a dream, muttering and shaking her head against the furs, agitated, until he’d come off his chair, sat down next to her on the bed and stroked her hair, soothing her, until she’d fallen back into peaceful slumber.
How could he continue to take her on this journey to be the emperor’s wife, when he wanted her for himself? How would he be able to hand her over, when with every step they took together he seemed to enjoy her company even more?
Heading back to the hospice, in search of some hot spring water and lemon, his heart lurched. There, in the light dusting of powder-white snow before the door, were three sets of footprints. His, and two others’. But his went in the direction away from the door, the others disappeared inside...
Crunching over the light patches of snow, he pressed his ear against the door and he heard the sounds of Father Sebastian and two men talking. He went cold all over. Were Prince Lothair’s men in the building? No! Livia was asleep inside.
He checked his surroundings again, a prickling sensation rippling over him, feeling as if he was being watched from the line of trees. If he was, he didn’t want to give away where she was. And yet, he had to get to her...
As quickly and quietly as he could, he made his way around the hospice to the little window of their room. He was glad he’d opened the shutter to let some light in this morning, as his heart nearly overflowed with relief when he saw she was still lying there on the bed, fast asleep. He rapped on the wall. ‘Livia,’ he whispered.
She stirred, but she didn’t get up.
He tapped again, this time a bit harder. ‘Livia,’ he said, louder.
She sat bolt upright, her tousled hair tumbling loose over her shoulders. She looked around under hooded eyelids and gasped when she saw his face at the window. She swung her legs off the bed and came round the room to the window.
‘Livia, listen to me,’ he said calmly. ‘There are two men inside. I think they’re your uncle’s soldiers.’
Her eyes widened, her lips went taut.
‘Get your things. We need to go now,’ he said.
She nodded and raced to pull on her boots and cloak, stuffing the satchel with her wet things, before rushing back to him at the window.
‘All right. How do I get out? How do I get to you? Do we break the shutters?’ she asked.
‘No, they’ll hear,’ he said, shaking his head. ‘They’ll come down the hall straight away the moment they hear the noise. I’m going to go round the front and create a distraction. Wrap those furs around your elbow. When you hear a commotion, break the shutters and crawl through. Understood?’
She nodded, and he went to leave.
‘Destin,’ she said, placing her through the small gap, her ashen face full of concern.
He placed his own hand on top of hers, gripping her fingers tight. ‘I’ll be right back. I promise.’
He had to force himself to go. He knew he shouldn’t let her out of his sight, but he had no choice. It was the only way to get her out of there.
He rushed back through the slush, his heart pounding, towards the log store he’d seen at the front of the building. The monks had enough wood in there to last them through the winter. He hoped they’d forgive him for what he was about to do.
Crouching down, he removed two flint stones from his belt. Áki had told him they would always come in useful, and they had. Rubbing them together quickly, he created a spark, and gently lit up the pile of wood. He waited a few moments before the fire raged into life, and then, using his sword, he toppled a few of the logs, beginning an avalanche, causing an almighty crash, setting off chaos. And then he ran.
Appearing back at Livia’s window, he was pleased to see she’d broken the wood, splintering it into shards. He wasn’t pleased to see she was bleeding. Helvete!
He used the fur she passed him to knock out the rest of the broken shutter and then helped her through the small gap in the thick walls, pulling her arms. It was a tight squeeze, and when she finally came through, she fell on top of him, his arm coming around her.
‘Are you all right? You’re bleeding,’ he said, trying to ignore the sudden tension in his body, the way her warm, soft curves felt pressed against him. He was glad they were back together again, with no stone wall separating them.
She nodded. ‘It’s just a scratch.’
Not believing her, he deftly swiped up her sleeve to see how bad it was. He didn’t like to see her injured, but assessing the gash, although there was blood, he didn’t think it was too urgent. ‘We’ll patch you up later, but first, we need to get away from here. We have moments till they realise we’re not in the room and they’ll come looking.’
They ran around the back of the building, towards the stables, but inside, there was just one lone scrawny-looking mule, like the priest had said.
‘He’ll have to do. We’ll have to ride together,’ Destin said, ascending the animal first, before helping Livia up. And as she settled herself between his thighs, he swallowed down a wave of desire.
He could hear the monks shouting outside, no doubt panicking about the fire but hopefully dousing the flaming wood with water and snow to put it out—that’s what he’d do. He knew that Lothair’s men would be looking for them by now, and the moment they rode out of here, they’d be in danger, pursued again. He only hoped those men didn’t have horses of their own.
He pressed his feet into the mule’s sides and spurred it on into an immediate gallop, forcing Livia back into his chest—and his groin—and she gripped onto his arm to steady herself, trying to hold herself away from him. But it was no use, the speed was too great, and she finally gave in, her body slackening against him, clinging onto his chest and arm. They tore across the uneven ground, heading for the mountain pass, aware the monks and the men were all standing there, looking at them in disbelief. And then he saw the two men in uniform charge, racing towards the forest.
Reaching the pass, he was glad to see the morning sun was bursting through the clouds, already melting the snow. Good. It shouldn’t hinder their progress, and he urged the mule to go faster. He glanced behind him, to check if the men were following. Not yet.
He took a last glance at the monks and the hospice, guilt prickling, after the men had taken them in last night and looked after them. They were shaking their heads in disappointment. They didn’t deserve this. At least the flames had been put out before any real damage had been done.
‘It’s them, isn’t it? My uncle’s men?’ Livia asked, turning her face to look up at him.
‘Yes.’
‘So they’ll be after us now? Right behind us again?’ He didn’t like to see her golden eyes wide with fear.
‘I’ll try to lose them further up the pass, but it will mean us getting off the track, which I’m not too keen to do. It can be treacherous out here. But it will be all right, Livia. I promise,’ he soothed.
He hadn’t slept in days, and he felt tense, and irritable—not just because they couldn’t seem to shake Livia’s uncle’s men, but because of the way she felt in his arms, nestled against him, her scent getting up his nose. The movement of the mule was unsteady, and she clung to him like mud, and he couldn’t deny he didn’t like the feel of her hands holding on to him, as if she needed him. It was as if someone was trying to test his resolve and his loyalty to the emperor by putting his greatest temptation in his way. But he needed to keep his head—he had to remain alert, he had an enemy hot on their tails.
When they reached a three-way junction in the path, surrounded by forest on all sides, he looked back to check no one was coming, before halting the animal. He jumped off into the undergrowth, careful not to leave any footprints on the path, before gripping Livia around her waist and lifting her from the animal. He carried her and she wrapped her arm around his shoulder, before he set her down in the shelter of the trees.
He quickly urged the scrawny mule up the path to the right and the animal trotted on unwittingly, happy he had lost his heavy load.
Destin took Livia’s hand and tugged her further into the forest. ‘Hopefully they’ll see the mule’s tracks and think we carried on along the path,’ he said.
‘But what now?’ she said.
‘We wait. I want to see how many of them there are. See which way they go. And that mule wouldn’t have made it much further anyway, not carrying the both of us.’
‘What if they don’t come and we’re stuck here?’
‘They’ll come.’
And sure enough, within moments, he saw the two soldiers charging down the track on horses. He weighed his options. He could attempt to take them out, but he didn’t know if any others were behind them. And he didn’t want to put Livia in any more danger. No, he thought their best bet was to keep hidden, for now, and see what route they took. Perhaps they could work out what Lothair was planning.
‘Here they come,’ he whispered. ‘Stay low.’
As they reached the crossroads, the soldiers began conferring about which route to take.
‘What are they saying?’ Livia asked.
Destin placed his finger over her mouth to silence her. ‘Quiet,’ he hushed. ‘I’m trying to hear.’
She looked up at him, her golden eyes blazing in anger, his finger across her plump lips, and he struggled to concentrate. He sensed her breathing change, as if she was aware of him too, and he moved his hand away from her mouth.
‘They’re not behind us,’ the one soldier said. ‘Our best bet is to meet up with Lothair and the rest of the men at the border. Trap them in between us. They’ll never get through into Italy.’ And finally, they carried on up the right-hand path, the way Destin had sent the animal.
‘They’re gone, for now,’ he said, letting out a sigh of relief. ‘And it sounds as if Lothair has overtaken us and will be at the border when we get through the mountains.’
‘That’s not good.’
He grimaced. ‘Let’s take a look at that arm of yours while we decide what to do.’
‘It’s nothing.’
‘I’ll be the judge of that.’
He gently cast her cloak over her shoulder and pushed up the sleeve of her tunic, holding it in place above her elbow. She winced as the material moved over the wound.
‘Sorry,’ he said.
She had a gash to her forearm, but it wasn’t too deep and the bleeding had stopped. He rummaged in the satchel for her damp tunic from last night and tore a strip off it with his teeth, before wrapping the material round her arm.
‘Will you hold it in place while I wrap it?’ he asked.
She nodded.
‘You’ve been very brave,’ he said, as he wound the material around her skin, before tucking the end in. ‘Better?’ he asked.
She nodded.
He bent down and plucked a small, star-shaped white flower from the ground and pressed it into her hand. It was a little furry, but it was beautiful. Intricate. ‘Your reward,’ he smiled.
‘Pretty. What is it?’ she asked.
‘I’ve been looking for one of these since we left the settlement and started on the mountain path. It’s an edelweiss. They’re rare. It looks delicate, but it’s extremely hardy. It can withstand most storms. Its name means noble, pure—and it’s a symbol of resilience... It reminds me of you.’
She smiled up at him. ‘I think that’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me. Thank you.’
He felt the air change between them, and he pulled away a little and sat down, his back against a fallen tree.
‘Are we going to talk about it?’ she said, biting her lip, wary.
‘What?’ he bristled.
‘Last night.’
He gave her a stern look. ‘There’s nothing to talk about.’ He’d already said far too much. He shouldn’t have been so vocal. Perhaps he’d had too much wine. But he knew that wasn’t true. He was always careful never to drink too much, especially when he was on guard. It had everything to do with her, and he knew it. She made him want to share things he’d never told anyone. And she’d astounded him—knowing about his gods, likening him to them... He’d never thought of his impairment in that way before—that perhaps by having a weakness, it made him stronger in other ways? She had totally reframed it in his mind, bolstering his confidence. If ever there was a reason to embrace his uniqueness, she had found it. She had certainly given him something to think about in the long, dark hours...
‘I kissed you,’ she said, matter-of-factly.
He groaned inwardly, remembering the feel of her soft lips pressing against his. His body had gone rigid in shock and desire. He still couldn’t believe it. It was only a brief, sweet kiss yet his reaction had been fierce. But why had she done it? To thank him for looking after her? Or was it out of pity? He couldn’t believe he had been careless in revealing his thoughts about his impairment. Did she feel sorry for him? Had that been what had prompted her to press her lips against his?
‘You were tired. It’s been a worrying couple of days. Let’s just forget about it.’
‘Oh, that will be easy, won’t it?’ she said sardonically. ‘Especially as I go around kissing lots of men. I’m certain not to remember it—especially the humiliating part where you pushed me away.’
‘Livia!’ he warned. ‘We need to stay focused. All these questions, all this talking—it compromises my ability to protect you and keep you safe. I don’t think you understand how much danger you’re in—the seriousness of the situation.’
‘I don’t think you do either.’
‘What’s that supposed to mean?’
‘I like you,’ she said simply.
The silence stretched. Had she really just said that?
And she laughed then, a shrill sound echoing out across the quiet landscape. As if she knew what she’d said was absurd.
His brow darkened. ‘You’re mocking me,’ he said, his voice ice-cold.
And all her light-heartedness fled. ‘No,’ she said, shaking her head. ‘No, I’m not. That’s the laughable part. You’re aloof and intrusive, formidable and hateful at times, but I still like you. And I know I shouldn’t. I know it’s madness, because the only reason you’re here is because I’ve been promised to someone else, and you’re taking me to marry him.’
‘You’re right. It’s absurd,’ he said, rising to stand, trying to put some distance between them.
‘You don’t like me?’ she said, curling upwards, standing to join him, placing her hands on her hips.
And he wondered how she could be so straightforward in her questions and answers.
‘What would be the point in that when you’re engaged to be married to someone else? When you’re a princess and I am a member of the emperor’s Royal Guard.’
‘You didn’t answer the question.’
‘I think you’re confusing my protection with my feelings. Livia, you must know—there can be nothing between us... I’m not the way out of this marriage alliance of yours.’
She reeled. ‘I know that,’ she said, her beautiful forehead furrowing. ‘All right...have it your way. Let’s forget it. It was nothing,’ she said, her voice sounding cool, her body moving away from him, and he knew that he’d hurt her.
He felt a bitterness burn his throat, a pain in his chest, as if he was turning down something truly special. Because the moment her lips had met his he’d felt fire. A spark he had never felt before. A connection, and he’d wanted to pull her closer, open her mouth with his and kiss her fully. It was all he’d thought about all night long. But his fealty to the emperor would never allow it.
Recklessly, he gripped her wrist and tugged her back. ‘I don’t think a kiss like that, between you and me, could ever be described as nothing, Livia,’ he said. But then he released her and dragged his hand over his cheek. ‘But no good can come of it. And no one can know.’
She nodded. ‘Like you said last night, I’m not going to tell anyone, are you?’ she said.
‘No. Not unless I want to lose my position—and my head,’ he said wryly. ‘Come on, let’s go this way,’ he said, leading them up the left-hand path. ‘It might be slightly longer, but hopefully we won’t encounter any more of Lothair’s men for a while.’
‘What’s the plan? How are we going to get past the border if they’re blocking it?’ Livia asked.
‘Let’s keep within the tree-line but follow the path. The priest said there’s a farmstead up this way. Perhaps they can help us,’ Destin said.
Livia nodded, and trudged through the trees behind him, along the root-strewn forest floor, their conversation from moments before running through her head. She knew he’d disapprove of what she was saying. That he’d try to dissuade her from her thoughts—that his duty would always win out. And wasn’t that one of the reasons she was starting to like him—that he took his fealty so seriously? That he was loyal. Wasn’t it why in the space of two nights, she had started to feel safe with him?
And he was right, of course. What had she been thinking? She was the future queen of Constantinople, if not Rome—there was no way anything could happen between them. So why did she feel so disheartened? She needed to pull herself together. She needed to stop thinking as if her marriage to the emperor wasn’t going to happen. It was what her father and Alexios wanted. And she was powerless to stop it. She had to start getting her head round the fact that soon she would be Alexios’s wife. And the only way she could do that was to start imagining herself in Constantinople. To find out more about the emperor. And to put as much distance as possible between her and Destin. From now on, she should keep her thoughts—and her lips—to herself.
They walked all morning, the warm sun beating down on them, the hum of the insects in the hedgerows filling the gaps of silence. And finally, they came over the cusp of a hill and saw the sprawling farm buildings down below. Destin made them stop for a while to watch who came and went, to check there were none of Lothair’s men around, but it looked as if it was just the farmer and his wife and their help.
Her thoughts returned to Destin’s men back at the castle—and her people. It was torture not knowing what had happened to them, not knowing if they were safe. And her father...last night the monks had said he was still alive. She craved more information.
To add to her frustration, Destin made her wait half the way down the track towards the farm as he went and spoke to the man and woman at the door. She could hear their voices, and see them gesturing, but she couldn’t make out what they were saying. When he finally made his way back up the track towards her, she tried not to look at him, and the way he walked, his rugged, riveting maleness, and his smouldering stare, but instead focused on the warm sun on her face and the scent of alpine flowers. She fingered the flower he had given her, which she’d tucked into her stola. Did he really think she was resilient? And she wondered, if she went with him to Constantinople to meet Alexios, would she see him every day? At least she would know someone. At least she wouldn’t feel alone. Would Destin still guard and protect her, as well as the emperor?
‘Finally, we’re in luck. They’ve said they’ll take us to the border this afternoon.’
‘That is good of them,’ she said, breathing a sigh of relief. ‘Did they say whether they’d seen my uncle’s men?’
‘She said four men passed by yesterday evening and asked about a man and a woman, then carried on their way.’
He shuffled his feet. ‘I may have told them who you were...’
Her head shot up. ‘What? I thought we were travelling in disguise. I thought we were keeping our identities secret?’
‘It was the only way I could get them to take us today. I could tell they were loyal supporters of your father, from their shields and swords lined up in the house. The farmer even served in his army for a while.’
She nodded. ‘Did you tell them about my uncle?’
‘Yes, they know what they’re getting themselves into and are prepared to go anyway. They don’t want to see Lothair on the throne. It seems you have supporters, Livia.’
She nodded thoughtfully.
‘They have a small building round the back by the lake. They said we can wait in there, out of sight, while they load and ready the horse and cart. Let’s go and take a look now.’
Dustin led them round the buildings, past the pens of pigs and chickens running loose, and they came to a little barn.
‘This must be it,’ Destin said, pushing open the door. ‘The farmer’s wife says she makes him sleep out here when he’s had too much ale.’
Livia smiled at the thought.
It was cosy inside, with a small bed, a hearth and a smoke hole.
Destin threw the satchel onto the ground and she felt awkward. The afternoon stretched out before them. ‘Did they say how long they’d be?’
‘No. I doubt it’ll be too long.’
‘At least we don’t have to stay till morning,’ she said. The thought of spending another night with him wasn’t too appealing.
He gave her a look, arching one perfect eyebrow.
‘What? Am I supposed to feel happy about sharing another room with you again?’
‘I wouldn’t exactly be thrilled with the idea either,’ he said with a grimace. ‘But I’m afraid you’re still stuck with me for now.’
‘So what are we going to do all afternoon?’
‘We could take a walk?’
‘Oh, no, please, no more walking...’ she said, flopping down onto the bed.
‘There’s a lake...we could paddle? I don’t know about you, but my feet are killing me.’
She shook her head. ‘I think my body has been frozen enough these past couple of days. What about a game?’
He looked at her, as if she couldn’t be serious. ‘A game?’
‘Yes, have you never heard of a game before?’
‘Sure, I just didn’t think grown men and women played them.’
‘Perhaps that’s why you’re so serious all the time,’ she smiled.
He gave her a look. ‘What game did you have in mind?’
‘What games did you play growing up? Maybe you could teach me one from Norway.’
‘Not many. Hnefatafl. Kubb.’
He looked around and his eyes settled on the chopped pile of wood. ‘We could try kubb,’ he said. And she watched, amused, as he got to work setting up the chopped pieces of wood at the end of the barn. When he came back to her, he handed her a small stick and she took it from his fingers. Would she ever get used to the spark between them when they touched?
‘Right, you throw this and see how many pieces of wood you can knock down. The ones you do, you get to keep. The winner is the one with the most wooden pieces at the end,’ he said, amusement dancing in his eyes. ‘I warn you, I play hard—and I’m good.’ He winked.
She laughed. ‘I might be a natural.’
He gestured with his arm for her to take a turn and prove herself so she stepped forward to have the first go.
She planted her feet apart, weighing up the pieces of wood, taking it seriously. And she swung her arm back, aiming her piece of wood at the others. Finally, she released it, letting it fly, and it knocked down three out of the nine pieces. ‘Yes!’ she said, making a fist with her hand and cheering.
He laughed at her delight, and she thought how different he looked to the man who had stormed up her hallway in Harzburg to demand that she come with him to Constantinople. She had seen so many different sides to his character these past two days, and she admired them all.
She stepped back, allowing him to take his turn, and he blew on his piece of wood and winked at her, as if it would bring him good luck. Her heart swelled. He was utterly gorgeous. She still couldn’t believe he didn’t realise it.
He drew back his hand and then launched the wood forward, knocking down four of the pieces.
‘Not bad,’ she said, raising her eyebrows. ‘But you haven’t won yet.’
‘It’s going to be close.’
She took up her position again, and blew on her own piece of wood, flashing him a grin, and then she assessed her target and let go of it. To her amazement, she knocked down the last two pieces, winning the game.
‘I won!’ she gasped in delight, throwing her hands up in the air to celebrate, turning round to face him, and he caught her waist lightly in his hand.
‘You did! Well done! I can’t believe you beat me. You really do have natural talent!’ he laughed.
It was only a game, but his words of praise pleased her. ‘Or it’s just beginner’s luck.’
‘You do realise we have to play again now, so I have the chance to win back my reputation at being the best at this.’
She smiled. Despite the danger they were in, despite being out on the mountains not knowing where their next meal or bed was going to be, she was enjoying herself—again. And she knew it had everything to do with the man at her side.
They were just finishing their third round, and he had indeed beaten her, two–one, when there was a knock at the door.
She saw the change in him instantly. His smile left him and his hand was on his sword, ready. He moved to open the door a fraction, and he released some of the tension in his body when he saw it was just the farmer’s wife, come to offer them a small feast—some cold meats and bread, grapes and ale, and he thanked her, gratefully.
The woman peered through the slit in the door, and Livia came to say hello.
‘Your Highness,’ the woman bowed, slightly in awe of meeting her, and Livia felt Destin’s eyes on her.
‘It’s lovely to meet you. And thank you for allowing us to rest here a while and travel with you. We will remember your kindness.’
‘Oh, it’s nothing, Your Highness. The least I can do. It is such an honour to meet you.’
‘What is your name?’ Livia asked.
‘Marta, Your Majesty. And my husband’s name is Charles. We will let you know as soon as the cart is ready. It will be a bit of a bumpy ride, but we’ll do our best to make it as comfortable as possible for you.’
‘Thank you.’
When she was gone, Destin propped the door open to let the sunlight in, and they sat on the floor and had a picnic, both famished from their day’s walk.
‘You don’t cope well with being recognised—or adored, do you?’ he stated.
‘I’m just a person like everyone else,’ she said. ‘It was one of the reasons I preferred to live in Saxony. Away from all the drama of being watched and expected to behave a certain way all the time. Will you tell me a little about what Alexios is like? How does he cope with the attention?’
He looked up at her, surprised. He finished his mouthful and put down the rest of his bread.
‘What do you want to know?’
She shrugged. ‘What does he look like these days?’
His eyes narrowed on her. ‘I thought looks weren’t important.’
‘I should like to know if he still looks the same as I remember, so I don’t have a shock. Will I even remember him? Will I melt at his feet when I see him?’ Her lips curved up, as if to tell him she was jesting, but she felt her smile crumple at the sides.
A muscle flickered in his cheek. ‘He is still fair. He has a slender frame and delicate facial features. I would say he is a handsome man. The women seem to think so anyway. He is popular. And a lot vainer than you. He definitely likes the attention. He cares a great deal about his clothes and his appearance.’
‘Delicate?’ she queried.
‘Let’s just say he’s not covered in scars, like me.’
Shame, she thought. ‘Are they all battle wounds?’
‘From fighting, as a child and an adult, yes.’
She nodded. ‘What of Alexios’s character? What are his interests?’
‘He hosts many feasts and enjoys elaborate entertainment, like the chariot races in the hippodrome, much like your Coliseum. I’m sure you will enjoy those events. There are also parades, and staged animal fighting and hunting.’
‘Do the animals get hurt?’ she asked, wrinkling her nose.
‘Sometimes.’
‘I don’t think I shall enjoy those.’
‘No, neither do I. I always say I have training on those days...’ He smiled.
‘It’s funny. I’ve spent my whole life preparing for how I should be as a princess. But I’ve never been taught how I should behave as a wife. How will I be treated?’
‘Well, I hope. With respect,’ he said, his voice sounding strained. He took a large swig of his ale, and then didn’t stop until he’d drained his tankard.
‘Does he want children?’
‘I imagine it would be expected,’ he said, clipped.
‘What if I don’t?’
He put down his cup. ‘You don’t want to be a mother?’ he asked, his eyes wide.
She shrugged. ‘I saw what my mother went through. What happened to her. I am unsure.’
‘You were there with her when she died?’
‘Yes. My father made the choice to save the baby, his second son, over her. Then they both died. I was angry with him for a long time over that.’
She’d had a bad dream about it again just last night, unable to get the images out of her mind. It had weighed heavy on her today.
He shook his head at the thought, and reached out to touch her hand. ‘She also had two healthy children, Livia. Remember that.’
She nodded.
‘All men want a legacy...’ His brow furrowed at the thought. ‘That’s probably why your father behaved how he did. It is a king’s duty to produce an heir, to carry on their bloodline. It’s why the emperor will want children.’
‘You don’t.’
He pushed his hand through his hair. ‘I don’t see what that has to do with anything. We weren’t talking about me. Are you done with your questions?’ he asked brusquely. ‘If so, I think I’ll go and see how the farmer and his wife are getting on with readying the cart.’
‘But you haven’t finished your food.’
‘For some reason, I’m suddenly not hungry,’ he said, getting to his feet. ‘I’m going to get some air.’ He stormed out of the barn and slammed the door behind him.
‘Did I say something wrong?’
Destin was angrily skimming stones into the emerald-green waters of the lake, and he spun round, startled by Livia’s approach. He was disturbed he’d lost his temper back there. He’d been surprised by her questions concerning the emperor, first wanting to know what he looked like, then asking about his character. Where had this newfound interest in the man come from?
‘No,’ he bit out.
‘You seem angry.’
‘I’m not.’
He knew he shouldn’t be. Livia was preparing herself to be married, which he’d told her she should do. He should be pleased, only he wasn’t. The thought of the two of them together was bad enough, let alone thinking of the things they’d have to do to make a child... Thoughts of Alexios taking her to bed had not been pleasant. He didn’t like it. And yet it had no right to bother him, not one bit.
He shook his head, as if to shake away the terrible images in his mind. He wanted her for himself, he admitted. How had he allowed this to happen? How had he allowed himself to begin to like her? He prided himself on staying on task, never veering from his duty, never allowing his emotions to get in the way. But he’d never expected her to be so alluring. He was fighting to remember his vow of conduct and his oath of loyalty to the emperor.
He threw another stone across the surface of the water.
‘I thought you didn’t care. I thought you wanted me and the emperor to be wed,’ she said.
‘I do.’
‘Fine.’ He saw her blanch and he hated himself. He usually prided himself on being honest.
‘What are you doing? Is this a new game I can beat you at?’ she said, obviously trying to lighten the mood. And she went to take the stone out of his hand. He gripped her wrist, pulling her up against his chest, hard.
She gasped.
‘Look, I’m glad you’re readying yourself for what’s to come. But it doesn’t mean I enjoy talking about it, answering your questions about him or thinking about you with him. I do care, more than I should.’
She was so close, staring up at him, and he could see the tiny little flecks of gold in her widened eyes. He saw her swallow, and he released her. She stumbled backwards.
Knowing he’d said too much, that he’d revealed too much of his feelings, he bent down and picked up another stone, rolling it round in his hand. He needed to get this back onto safer ground. ‘Want me to show you how to play?’ he asked.
‘Yes,’ she said, her voice sounding shaky. And he could have cursed himself. He had no right to say what he had said. He was giving her mixed messages, being unfair. And this helped neither of them.
‘You need a flat, smooth rock that fits in your hand. Put your finger beneath it like this, and flick your wrist forward, throwing it across the water. You have to try to get it to bounce across the water as many times as you can. More than your opponent.’
He threw his stone, showing her his technique, and it skipped over the water. ‘Now you try.’
She held the stone like he’d told her to and she let it go. It bounced once, before sinking beneath the shimmering surface.
He bent over to pick up another two stones, selecting the best ones, but when he stood and passed her one, she rounded on him.
‘I don’t really care about the game right now, Destin.’
He sighed and turned to face her, stroking his hand round the back of his neck. He’d brought this on himself.
‘I know that nothing is allowed to happen between us. I know we have our lives marked out for us, determined by others. That we both have duties we have to fulfil. But don’t we get anything that we want?’
‘No.’
‘I don’t think that’s right,’ she said, bravely stepping towards him. ‘I don’t want to settle for that.’
‘What do you want?’
‘Right now? I want you to be the first man to kiss me.’
The breath left him. He was not expecting such honesty. He flipped the stone round in his hand. ‘And how exactly will that help either of us?’ It would surely destroy him.
‘It probably won’t. But perhaps I just want this one perfect moment. Here, in the mountains, with you. Is that too much to ask when I am prepared to give up the rest of my life based on what others expect of me? You...you’re free to go off and live your life however you want to. Can you not give this one thing to me?’
‘Livia...’
‘No one is around. Like you said last night, who is even going to know?’
He had no right to touch her... ‘I’d know.’
‘And you couldn’t live with yourself?’
Could he?
He cast the stone angrily into the water, giving up on the game, and sat down on the pebbly shore. She slumped down next to him. He stared out across the crystal-clear lake, hemmed in by the mountains, watching the birds swoop down low over the glittering surface.
‘How can you live with yourself if you let this moment pass by...’
The air surrounding them felt as if it was crackling with the tension between them.
Destin felt her hand on his arm and he turned to look at her. She was so beautiful. She was right. How could he not do what she was asking? A huge battle was playing out between his duty and desire.
‘Just one kiss?’
She nodded.
He knew he’d made his decision. He couldn’t resist her any longer. And slowly, he bent his head and leaned towards her. Her eyes fluttered shut as she waited for him to reach her, and he gently covered her soft lips with his. He had intended to give her the kind of kiss she had given him last night, to keep it chaste, to stop as soon as their lips met, but as she turned her body into him, pressing herself closer, her chest brushing against his, he lingered, not wanting to be parted from her. His lips gently moved against hers, coaxing hers open, and he carefully slid his tongue inside her warm, forbidden mouth.
He half expected her to pull back in shock, but instead her hands reached out to touch his chest, to hold his jaw close, holding him in place as she met his tongue, caressing it with her own.
He was lost. His hand came up to cup her cheek, her skin smoother than Byzantine silk, running his fingers into her glossy hair, drawing her closer, deepening the kiss, and he felt her whole body tremble. His gave a responsive shiver as something he’d never felt before rippled through him, and he finally pulled back, disturbed.
Her eyes flickered open and she looked up at him, smiling. ‘Thank you,’ she said.
He stared down at her, not sure he could string two words together. He wasn’t sure what had just happened. His whole world had been rocked. That wasn’t a chaste kiss between friends, that was a kiss between...
‘I’ll find great comfort in that in the following weeks.’
Comfort? he thought, incredulous. That was not the word he would use to describe it.
He wondered how she could look so content. So satisfied, when he felt anything but. Was that enough for her? It had been the perfect kiss, but now he knew once would never be enough. No, now he was ruined, because one kiss had just made him want a whole lot more.