Destin and Alexios galloped down the street on horseback, heading for the Lateran Palace, which was hosting the German princes of the Electoral College for the first time. Approaching the impressive building, it was a symbol of the Holy Roman Empire’s power if ever he saw one. It reminded Destin of the stunning stone palaces back in Constantinople, and he surprised himself by realising he wasn’t missing home. But why would he, when there was such treasure—everything he needed—right here?
After leaving their horses, they climbed the steps and entered the palace, heading to the great hall, and he looked around in awe—the walls were lined with ornate mosaics, frescoes adorned the apses and there was an impressive indoor fountain spurting water in each and every direction. Yet despite the imposing surroundings, it was the stern looks on the princes’ faces that caused his stomach to tighten in apprehension. He wondered how Livia would fare, making her speech in this magnificent place, to these formidable men. It was notably different to the hall in which she’d first received him in Harzburg and he was reminded of how far they’d come.
Matthias and his men had advised her it would be unwise to arrive with Emperor Alexios and his bodyguard for the election. They’d felt it might sway the decision one way or another. Even though he knew they were right, he didn’t like it. He hadn’t wanted to let her out of his sight, not when she had to travel through the excited crowds of the city and Lothair was still at large. And especially after he had made love to her, branding her with his taste and touch, making her his. Or had she made him hers? Either way, he didn’t want to be parted from her. He wanted to be the one taking care of her.
He kept glancing towards the door, hoping every new arrival would be her.
His lover. The woman he loved.
She had felt glorious when he had thrust inside her, like a silken, tight embrace. A spasm of pain had crossed her face, and he’d prepared himself to stop, but then she had slowly relaxed around him, holding him close, allowing him to sink deeper, and he’d never wanted it to end.
He was distracted from his thoughts when he heard the announcement marking Lothair’s arrival and his beastly men entered the room and took up their positions on one side of the hall. The prince looked arrogant, as if he was assured of his success today, despite already suffering one defeat this morning, and Destin wanted to throw himself over the seats between them and pick up where they’d left off.
He was worried how Livia would react when she saw her uncle again. Would she be intimidated? Or scared? He glanced at the electors, wondering if they had already come to a decision in their minds, before the College had even taken place. He hoped not. He hoped they’d come here willing to listen.
The hall was overflowing, cloying with people, and he knew the streets were just as bad. He pushed his hand through his hair. Where was she?
‘Relax,’ Alexios whispered from beside him. ‘Anyone would think you care.’
He opened his mouth, went to retort, when finally, the doors swung open and Livia’s name was announced, marking her arrival, and everyone stood and turned around to watch her enter.
He felt the breath leave him.
Livia stood, tall and proud, dressed in an exquisite, refined black and gold mourning gown, her dark hair swept up elegantly with several braids framing her face. It was as if she had blossomed since this morning. She looked the part—she’d bloomed into a true Roman queen, and an awed hush settled around the room as everyone was dazzled by her grace and beauty. Destin swallowed, riveted. This was what she was born for, he thought. To be on show, to be looked at. She was perfection. He needn’t have worried, she made the great hall look lacklustre.
Something was different about her. She seemed...ready. As if she had transformed into a woman before his eyes. Was he and the things they’d done together somehow responsible for that? She looked like a woman every man would want to worship. And of all the men in the room, he couldn’t believe she’d allowed him to do so.
It had been glorious, considering it was both their first times. They had fitted together perfectly, as if they were made for each other, and it had felt so intense, so right. There had been a little blood on the furs, proof of him taking her innocence, and that was when the reality of what had happened between them hit him. The enormity of it. But he’d been powerless to stop it. And he couldn’t bring himself to regret it. It had been too incredible. He’d wanted to make her his since the moment he’d first seen her, and now he had. He should be satisfied now. But looking across at her, he was starting to think he never would be. Not unless he was at her side, always.
She began to walk up the aisle, slow and steady, as they’d discussed, holding her head up high, her shoulders back, her eyes coolly assessing the crowd, nodding in acknowledgement to some of the nobles. As she walked past him, part of him hoped she’d glance his way, that their eyes would meet, but she did not. Rationally, he knew that was wise, in case either of them gave anything away, but still he clenched his jaw, feeling foolishly disappointed.
When she reached her seat and sat down on the opposite side of the hall to Lothair, it was as if the whole room took a collective breath, and the electors began. First, they commemorated the late king, talking a little of his achievements, before introducing the proceedings. Then they welcomed Prince Lothair up to address the room.
Bile rose in Destin’s throat as he watched and listened to Lothair stand and make his speech as to why he should be the next Holy Roman Emperor, stating he had the greater claim as he was a man. His tactic was to quote his accolades of war and glory, and his plans to expand their empire further if he should come into power, through continuing the king’s bloody campaign in southern Italy. Destin felt Alexios tense beside him.
Finally, Lothair put Livia down for her age and for being a woman, and Destin made a fist with his hand to try to curb his anger. But despite Lothair’s debasement of her in front of everyone, she didn’t flinch. Destin would have noticed if she had, for he couldn’t take his eyes off her.
Next, it was Livia’s turn. She stood gracefully and began to speak clearly. She didn’t fidget once. And Destin’s heart was in his mouth.
She addressed the electors, lords and ladies in the room, first stating she was the rightful heir—the direct descendant of her father and chosen by God. ‘I intend to keep our empire in power and prosperity. But not through war, like my father, and like my uncle is proposing. In fact, I have already recalled my father’s troops in southern Italy. We will never be a great power by focusing on lands outside our empire. We need to focus on what is within our already great realm.’
Whispers rustled around the room.
‘And no man or woman shall live in fear here, as my uncle wishes it,’ she said, turning to look him in the eye. ‘I should like to tell you of his recent plot to displace me.’ She didn’t falter—or tremble—as she spoke of what he had done in Harzburg, and this morning, making sure the College knew what he was capable of. ‘But I should like to call a few others up to speak for me,’ and she nodded to the guard at the door. As he opened it, a line of injured, bloodied and broken men, women and children filed in. Destin stopped breathing. Among them were some of his men.
Gasps of horror and outrage rumbled around the room. ‘These are some of my people from Harzburg, who arrived just this afternoon. Lothair razed my late mother’s castle to the ground. Many are still wounded or recuperating in the hospice in the city, but some were determined to come today to show you all what Lothair did. So take a good look. These are the people he wishes to rule over. They’re not his enemies, but this is how he treated them.’
Destin felt his rage spike at what Lothair had done, and looked around, hoping the other lords and ladies of Rome felt the same. He admired Livia’s courage, and yet he wondered why she hadn’t shared their arrival with him. He had been worried for hers and his men’s safety too. But he was pleased she had given the councillors a reason to mistrust Lothair for his atrocious actions.
‘Is this the kind of monarch we want ruling our empire?’ she asked the room. ‘Our realm won’t thrive through war and bloodshed, but through peace. And alliances. Before our meeting here today, I visited the Pope, to ask him to pray for these people, and he offered me his full support and blessing.’
The murmurs turned to mutterings and a mixture of excitement and outrage in the hall.
The electors had to hammer on the tables for silence.
Destin had to hand it to her, it was a clever move. Besides the king, the Pope was the most powerful man in Rome. Whoever ruled here would need his approval.
‘I also have the allegiance of the Byzantine emperor,’ she said, turning to Alexios and offering him a smile. Her gaze still didn’t stretch his way and Destin felt the burn of jealousy in his chest.
‘What about foreign influence? We don’t want our empire being taken over by Byzantium,’ someone shouted out from the crowd.
‘No, neither do I,’ she said calmly. ‘I am well aware my people don’t want a foreign ruler, and I do not need one either. I have spoken with Emperor Alexios and we have agreed that he will release me from my father’s marriage agreement.’ She continued to look at Alexios while she was speaking to him. Her gaze didn’t falter. ‘In return, I am willing to give him the lands in southern Italy that my father has ravaged for the past few winters.’
He felt the shock, then the relief, that she was offering Alexios what he wanted, ripple through his ruler’s body. She was trying to keep everyone happy.
‘Ultimately, they have always belonged to Byzantium. And I wish for us to remain friends, Alexios, for our two great empires to remain as allies, as my father and your father always were.’
She turned to look at the council, as if she was ready to make her final and most poignant statement. ‘If the College accepts me as their queen, I vow I will never marry a man unless you wish it, unless we find a man you deem worthy to be my husband. Until then, no man will rule over me or my country. I will be wedded to my empire instead.’
A hush now descended on the room, as everyone took on board the significance—and sacrifice—of what she was saying.
Destin struggled to rake in another breath. He felt as if he’d been punched in the gut.
It was a bold move. Admirable. But if they accepted her vow, it meant she could never be with him. They could never be together. And he felt like a fool. After the intimate things they had done together today, he had thought they would find a way...
But she was putting her empire, her duty, before him. Yet he of all people could understand that. Duty had always come first for him too. Until he’d met her.
He had always known, right from the start, that he would have to hand her over to someone else. That she could never be his. She was a princess, he was a soldier. So why did her statement, pronouncing that she would never take any man as her husband, unless the council approved him, now hurt so much? Why did her sacrifice feel as if she was ripping open his chest, like she was sacrificing him too? Was it because he knew they’d never choose him? A pagan, a Northman soldier, with a broken body. She must know that too.
When had she decided all this? While she’d been lying in his arms today, or when he’d been moving deep inside her? Had she been planning it all along and not thought to share it with him? Just like she hadn’t told him of the arrival of his men? Rejection cut through him.
As Livia sat down, for the first time since her arrival, he saw her hand tremble and she reached out to grip the arm of her seat to steady herself. He tried to tear his eyes away from her beautiful fingers as they reminded him of how they had trembled when they had touched him earlier. He wanted to go to her, to shake her, to ask her why, and yet, he already knew the answer. She had done what was necessary. For her people and her empire. Her throne was more important than him. He was both proud of her and furious with her all at once.
The College adjourned and the people in the room erupted into speculative chatter, giving their own thoughts on the speeches, anxiously awaiting what the verdict would be. But they didn’t have to wait long—the electors returned with their unanimous decision in no time.
Livia was to be the new Holy Roman Empress.
On the morrow, she was to be taken to Saint Peter’s Basilica and crowned by the Pope.
The hall went wild, clapping and cheering. And she stood, with her hand across her heart, in surprised disbelief, smiling, as people rushed forward to congratulate her, all wanting to speak with her, and offer their allegiance and service. And he felt as if she’d passed beyond his reach.
Alexios seemed to be in a state of elated shock beside him. He clapped Destin on the shoulder. ‘Well, I never thought that would happen. Perhaps I should have come to Harzburg to fetch her myself. Then I might have been the ruler of two empires,’ he said lightly.
‘Perhaps you should have,’ Destin said tightly. And then none of this would ever have come to pass. He wouldn’t have nearly got himself killed, broken his oath of loyalty or had his heart damaged beyond repair.
‘So neither of us gets the princess... But at least I have southern Italy, and my freedom,’ the emperor grinned. ‘And you still have your title, and me. A good result, I think.’
Yes, it was. So why then, did Destin not feel like celebrating?
Livia’s eyes looked heavenward and she sent up a silent word of thanks. She was so glad it was over. She was overwhelmed the College had named her as their empress. She hoped her father was smiling down on her and he would now be at peace. He would be livid with her if he knew what she’d done about the lands in southern Italy, but he had said a great ruler would decide their own destiny, and this was what she felt was right.
As her guards ushered her out of the hall, there was a five-thousand-strong crowd waiting for her outside, lining the streets, wanting to catch a glimpse of her. Their new Holy Roman Empress. The soldiers surrounded her in a protective wall, trying to keep her safe.
She glanced all around, looking for Destin. She was desperate to see his face, to share the excitement of the incredible verdict with him. He was the only one she wanted at her side right now.
Finally, she saw him, as he stooped, coming out of the door, leaving the building. Standing at the top of the steps, taking in the crowds before him, he frowned, his hand coming up to shield his eyes from the sun. He looked deep in thought, his jaw tense, his eyes scanning the masses. He was still on alert, protecting her and Alexios, she thought. She willed his eyes to meet hers, but she was being swept up in the convoy, bustled along the road to her carriage.
A soldier held the door open for her and she lifted her skirts and climbed in, and then she was off to make a processional tour of the city. She looked back at Destin over her shoulder and he finally met her gaze, but she couldn’t read his dark eyes as he watched her leave. He just stared after her as the distance grew between them.
Livia felt an enormous sense of relief when the carriage entered the palace gates later on that afternoon. It had taken what seemed like an age to travel down the streets, waving to all the crowds. She knew the hard task of ruling was only just beginning, but today had felt like a test. She’d had to prove herself worthy. She just hoped she could live up to all that she had promised her people. She would do her best.
As the carriage pulled up in the courtyard, she caught sight of Destin leading his horse back towards the stables and she rushed to get out, clambering down the steps.
She nodded her thanks to the footman and then picked up her skirts and, as quickly as she could, as gracefully as she could, without breaking into a run, raced across the courtyard. She had always been taught that a princess should never run. What about a queen?
‘Commander,’ she called.
He gave her a cursory glance over his shoulder, before continuing to stride on.
She felt a prickling sensation all over her, and was uncomfortable that the other soldiers in the courtyard had witnessed that. But it didn’t stop her. She charged after him, determined to speak to him. She tore after him up the steps into the stables, calling after him.
‘Commander...’
Catching up to him as he secured the horses, she tugged his arm. ‘Are you ignoring your queen?’ she bit out, suddenly angry and terribly hurt. All she wanted was his support right now. To hear a few words of praise from the person she cared about most of all. Was that too much to ask?
‘You forget, I answer to another sovereign, Highness. But congratulations on your success. It seems everything has worked out perfectly for you,’ he spat, pulling off the saddles and hanging them up.
She felt wounded. This wasn’t the Destin she knew, who had made love to her so tenderly earlier. Who had taken her virginity. This man was a cold, unfeeling stranger, like the man she had first met in Harzburg.
‘What’s wrong?’ she asked.
‘I’m busy. So if you’ll excuse me, I need to ready my belongings. The emperor plans for us to leave for Constantinople before the day is out.’
Pain lanced her chest. He was leaving her? The hurt was so great she couldn’t breathe. She shook her head. Had he got what he wanted from her and now decided that was it? That it was over?
He stole past her, exiting the stables, and she felt an anger tear through her like never before. She didn’t deserve this. She charged after him, following him down the corridor towards the soldiers’ barracks.
‘Commander,’ she shouted at his back. ‘Destin.’
Past caring if anyone saw, she charged after him, determined to speak to him, pulling his arm and getting in the way of his path. He tried to sweep her aside as he reached for the handle to his door, but she pressed her back against the wood, blocking his entrance.
‘What the hell are you doing? Have you lost your mind?’ he bore down on her, suddenly furious. ‘If anyone sees you here...’
‘I don’t care if they see...’ she threw at him, reckless. ‘You won’t talk to me! Did today mean nothing to you?’
His neck was corded and he flexed his hand by his side. He glanced around furtively, to check if anyone was watching. He tried to move her aside again as he wrestled with the handle.
‘Livia, move.’
‘No.’
The door flew open and he stormed past her inside, and she followed him in.
‘Meant nothing to me?’ he asked, incredulous, rounding on her, his eyes burning with fire. ‘You’re the one who just swore to an entire empire never to be with a man for the rest of your life. But perhaps I’m just the foolish one, to have started to hope of having any kind of future with you. I’m not sure when or why! Maybe it was when you opened your robe and spread your legs, enticing me to kiss you there. Or perhaps it was when you bathed in front of me, then welcomed me into your arms and your body.’
Anger was rolling off him in waves, and she felt the full force of it crashing over her.
She slammed the door shut behind her, resting her back against it. ‘What did you expect me to do—tell the council all about us and ask for permission? To confess I’d slept with you and hope they’d understand? Somehow, I don’t think they’d deem our relationship appropriate, do you? You’re a Northman and I was born into royalty. I said what I needed to say to make them listen. I had to put my own desires aside for the good of the empire.’
Pain slashed across his face and he turned away from her again.
In a blaze of fury, she pushed herself away from the wood.
‘I said what I had to say to make them want me as their queen. They would never have elected me if they’d known I’d just lost my virginity to a Norseman. But it doesn’t mean I can’t stop thinking about it. It doesn’t mean I don’t want you. It doesn’t mean I don’t want to do it again.’
He cursed, raking his hand through his hair, and then in two strides he’d reached her, capturing her between his body and the door, her back hitting the wood, his hand coming round her neck to haul her to him. And it was all that she wanted. His mouth came down onto hers, hard and possessive, kissing her more furiously than ever before, his anger stirring his passion. And she kissed him back, not caring that her tender lips were stinging, her hands gripping his shoulders, pressing herself against him with the same desperate urgency, wanting to have him touch her again, wanting to feel skin against skin, wanting to become one.
She began to peel off his sling and leather vest, ruthlessly wrenching the fastenings open, before slipping them off his shoulders. And then she was bunching up his tunic, wanting to see his beautiful chest again. It had been too long since the last time. It was gone, discarded on the floor in an instant, and the way he was rucking up her skirts, she knew he was just as eager.
She felt the hard ridge of him pressing into her belly, holding her in place against the wood as he continued lifting her skirts, as if there was no time to undress her. As if he just needed to be inside her, now, and she whimpered, wanting the same. She raised her leg to hook over his hip, wanting to feel him right there. He pushed his hand down between their bodies to touch her as she clung on, his fingers stealing inside her body, making her gasp and her legs buckle. But his hips pinned her in place.
‘I want you,’ he whispered. ‘So badly.’
‘Then have me.’
He undid his breeches and freed himself, moving his shaft to her entrance. She curled her leg tighter around his hip, giving him better access, and he stroked her with the tip, and she groaned. She couldn’t wait any longer, she thought she might come apart with him just touching her like this. She bucked against him and he thrust inside her, all the way, making her cry out in pleasure. She clung on. She couldn’t do anything but.
He brought his hand up, no longer needing it to hold himself in place now that he was buried so deeply inside her, and he gripped her bottom tighter, tugging her closer, lifting her off the floor, with his one arm tucked beneath her, and she wrapped her legs around his waist, holding on. She looked up into his face, so focused, so intent on giving them both pleasure, and she gripped his jaw with both hands, kissing him as he surged inside her again, impaling her, her back pinned against the door. They were good at this, she thought.
Her head tipped back and his lips dragged down her throat, his hand coming up to fumble with the neckline of her tunic, pulling at the restrictive material, his lips pressing against the top of her breasts. He ruthlessly surged inside her again, slamming her against the door, and she’d barely caught her breath before he did it again, and again, the sensations intensifying. She buried her face in his neck, holding on as he plunged inside her one more time and when he hit home, she screamed with the insane pleasure of her release. He pulled out of her and bit out his climax as he erupted over her thigh.
His forehead pressed against hers, his breathing ragged, he continued to hold her in place against the door. ‘Sorry,’ he said. ‘I’ll clean it up.’
She laughed lightly. ‘Don’t be.’ She felt off balance. Moved by the intensity of what had just happened.
He set her trembling body down, his hand coming up to cup her face.
‘Are you all right?’
His face was stern from the fervour of their lovemaking, and her legs were shaking, her heart pounding. She nodded. She felt a lump grow in her throat. She loved him. So much.
He fastened up his breeches and disentangled himself from her arms, walking across the room to get a cloth, and came back to her to wipe her clean, stroking the material over her thigh.
‘I was going to ask you what your first task as queen was going to be, but now I know,’ he said, but his lips couldn’t quite make a smile. And she realised she’d hurt him today. It hadn’t been her intention.
He discarded the cloth and came back to her, gathering her in his arm. He pulled her into his chest. ‘I was proud of you today, Livia,’ he said, looking down at her, stroking her back. ‘Your mother and father would have been proud of you too.’
‘Really?’ she asked. It was all she’d wanted to hear.
‘Yes, you were everything I knew you could be,’ he said.
‘I can’t believe they voted me queen.’
‘I can. You deserved it. And you will make a wonderful ruler.’ He stroked his knuckles down her cheek. ‘This day will be memorable for a lot of reasons.’
‘I already miss the freedom of being in Harzburg. All those people watching today were overwhelming. That giant hall...’ She shook her head.
‘I was worried about you, wanting to be at your side but knowing I’d been told to stay away, that it wasn’t my place to protect you.’
He had grown more and more impatient, waiting for her carriage to return to the palace. He’d visited the hospice and his men, discovering what had happened back in Saxony, checking up on them, while she’d been on her procession of the city. He’d felt such a mixed-up jumble of emotions, that she had done it, she’d won over the electors and they’d announced her as queen...but at what cost? He had felt massively hurt at the same time—that she had sacrificed him. An old fear had reared its ugly head. That if his own parents had been ashamed of him, hadn’t wanted him, why would he think anyone else would? Now she was empress, she certainly couldn’t attach herself to him. When she’d got into that carriage, surrounded by a wall of soldiers, of people baying for her, he’d had a glimpse of what the future would be like. Him wanting to be with her all the time, but unable to even get close to her.
When she’d returned after her procession, relief had quickly given way to his underlying, simmering anger, as she’d run across the courtyard to speak to him, and then he’d needed her so badly, he’d made love to her again, so passionately, so fiercely, it had taken his breath away. He wondered how he could soar between feeling so high and low when he was with her. Was this what love felt like?
‘I wanted to talk to you about that...’ she said, looking up into his eyes.
He took a step back, taking her hand in his, pulling her over towards the bed. They both sat down on the edge.
‘Destin, now that my future has been decided, I wanted to talk to you about yours,’ she said, tracing her other hand over his bare chest, her fingers following the ink. ‘Now I’m queen, I can make decisions for myself. And I’ve decided... I want you at my side, Destin, not because you have to be, because you were sent to fetch me, because I’m a duty you have to fulfil, but because you want to be here,’ she said.
He leaned in closer, his thumb smoothing over the top of her hand.
‘I was hoping you would talk to Alexios. Or I could. I could tell him that I want you to stay...’
He stared down into her golden eyes. His heart lifted just a little... She really wanted him?
‘I want you to be my personal bodyguard, instead of his.’
His hope came tumbling down around him. His fingers stilled in hers. ‘Your bodyguard?’ A sentinel standing guard in the shadows.
‘Yes. Whatever land or titles or gold he was going to give you, I will give you instead.’
He reeled, hurt and disappointment washing over him. He didn’t want her to buy him! To give him coin to be with her. ‘You’re offering me a position in your Queen’s Guard?’ he said, pulling away from her.
‘Yes. It would mean we could always be together.’
She leaned back into him and her hand flattened against his chest, smoothing her fingers over him. But he gripped her wrist and gently lifted her away, moving to get off the bed. He shook his head. ‘I can’t,’ he said, his voice sounding strange, not like his own.
He got to his feet, and it took a lot of effort for him to start picking up his clothes and pulling them back on.
‘Why not?’ she said, tucking her knees beneath her on the bed, kneeling up.
Because, he realised, he didn’t want to just be her bodyguard. He didn’t want to be kept a secret, like she was ashamed of him—hidden away, as if he didn’t exist. Silenced, as if he didn’t mean anything to her. He didn’t want to watch from afar as she made important decisions about her empire and then came looking for him for sex at the end of the day. He wanted to be the man at her side. The man who made decisions with her. The man she loved. The man she told the world she loved.
But she couldn’t do that because she was the empress. And especially not now she’d made her vow.
She had found her place, become the woman she wanted to be. And yet he still didn’t even know who he was or where he’d come from. He wanted to be the man she was proud of. But who was that man? He didn’t even know who he was.
Deep down, he had known this would happen—that things would have to come to an end, and he was enraged with himself for getting attached. She belonged here and he was needed in Byzantium.
‘My life is back in Constantinople.’
‘But I’m here,’ she said, wounded. ‘You could make a new home here. Or in Germany. We could move back there, together. You could create a new role in my guard and have your own contingent of men,’ she blurted. ‘You could have me.’
He paused, midway through putting his sling back on, and breathed out a long unsteady breath.
‘You? When would I have you?’
‘Whenever you want!’ she said, coming forward, stepping off the bed, moving towards him.
‘Really?’ It was a tempting offer. He had half hoped that when he took her to bed, his desire for her would be sated. But now he knew that would never be the case. It had been moments since he’d pulled out of her body and he already wanted her again. It would never be enough with Livia...he would always want more. ‘You mean whenever I want in between your royal duties, when you can fit me in, and in secret.’
She frowned. ‘It wouldn’t be like that.’
‘No? What would it be like? Are you really willing to keep risking your crown, to do this? To have a snatched moment here or there? Because people will find out...look how recklessly we behaved today.’
‘I was mad at you.’
‘And people saw.’ He stepped towards her. ‘We can’t carry on like this after the vow you have made to your people. They see you as some kind of vestal virgin, who will continue the power of Rome and be chaste. You can’t disappoint them. You can’t break your promise.’
‘But—’
‘And what about your body? Aren’t you worried about putting it at risk?’
The crease in her forehead deepened, as if she didn’t understand.
‘Because every time I make love to you, Livia, I have to pull out, so as not to plant a seed in your body, so we don’t risk you becoming with child.’ He raked a hand through his hair. ‘Do you know how hard that is for me to do?’
She shook her head ‘You didn’t enjoy it?’
‘Of course I did,’ he said, softening a little. ‘But don’t you see it’s dangerous? What if there’s a time when I can’t stop? What if I lose control? What if you get with child? There would be uproar in your empire. And we’ve discussed this. Neither of us wants a baby.’
She swallowed. ‘So what? That’s it? You’re just going to leave me?’ Her beautiful eyes pooled with tears. She slumped back down on the edge of the bed.
He sat down next to her and cupped her chin in his hand, turning her to face him. ‘I don’t want to. You know I don’t. This past week, with you, has been incredible. I will treasure it for ever. But I really think that I must go now, for both our sakes, don’t you?’
Livia had thought Destin had made love to her to make her his, but instead he had made love to her to make a memory. He was leaving her, and the pain was too great. She had tried to convince him to stay, but she had always known he was a man unable to be swayed when he’d made up his mind. She might have been persuasive, coercive, once or twice, but this time he was resolute. And it felt as if someone was reaching into her chest and ripping out her heart. He had told her he would always be around to protect her, but now she knew that wasn’t true. He was returning to Constantinople to go back to protecting the emperor instead.
She felt distraught, her legs heavy, as she made her way down from her room that evening. She wasn’t sure how she was going to say goodbye to him. The thought of never seeing his handsome face again was too much to bear.
She had tried to distract herself by welcoming some of her people from Harzburg into the palace, hearing about the battle that had taken place, and how Destin’s soldiers had saved many of them from the fire that had ravaged the building. After being under siege for days and realising Lothair was not going to stop until he’d razed the castle to the ground, with them inside, they had taken the same tunnel she and Destin had and escaped. Now some of them were planning to return to Saxony, others were thinking about staying with Livia, wherever she made her home. Others, she noticed, had fallen in love and were contemplating going with their soldiers to Constantinople. And her heart burned fiercely with jealously. She was pleased for them, but she couldn’t deny she wanted what they had. She wanted him. The man she loved.
She forced herself to make her way out to the courtyard, where Alexios and Destin were readying their horses and their men to leave. Her chest ached, and her eyes and throat burned from holding in the tears. She was even sore between her legs, a reminder of where he’d been and what they’d done together, but she didn’t mind. In fact, she never wanted the feeling to leave her. She didn’t want him to leave her.
‘It’s been a fascinating trip,’ Emperor Alexios said, turning to greet her. ‘Not a wasted one after all. I feel we’re parting ways stronger allies than ever before.’
She nodded. ‘I’m glad that you came.’
‘I am too. And I’m sorry again about...you know.’
She waved her hand in the air. ‘It’s all forgotten.’
‘I do believe the right person got the crown,’ he said.
‘Thank you. That means a lot.’
‘And I think things have turned out for the best, between you and me. I’m sure our friendship will last a lot longer than our marriage would have.’ He winked, and she smiled. ‘Do come and see us in Constantinople some time. We have some fantastic entertainment and I know our people would love a visit from the Holy Roman Empress.’
‘I might just do that,’ she rasped.
Alexios nodded and ascended his horse, moving the animal away to allow Destin to speak with her too.
She approached him, cautiously, steeling herself for the agony of having to say goodbye to him, knowing she couldn’t reach out to him, touch him, or make a scene here.
‘Will the trip take you very long?’ she asked politely.
‘No more than a few days by boat.’
‘At least you won’t be being pursued by anyone on this journey.’
‘Thank goodness.’
‘Or suffer intense torrents of rain and no sleep.’
‘Small mercies.’ He grimaced, his hand holding the horse’s reins. But he inclined his head, lowering his voice. ‘I’d suffer it all again to get to know you, Livia. I have no regrets.’
She nodded, but she could feel her chin begin to wobble from the strain of holding in her emotions. ‘Neither do I.’ She ran her gaze all over him, wanting to commit his molten ebony eyes, his long, wild hair, each scar, expression, every part of him, to her memory.
‘Promise me you’ll take care of yourself, so I don’t have to worry.’
She nodded. ‘I promise.’ Though she could barely talk, her throat was raw. Her whole world was shattering and she had to stand there, pretending that it wasn’t.
‘Goodbye, Livia,’ he said, ascending his horse. ‘If you ever need anything, remember, we’re only a sea away.’