Putting duty over desire had been a terrible idea. Livia had been suffering ever since.
After Destin left, she threw herself into her new role, keeping busy. They had held the most splendid funeral for her father, giving him the magnificent send-off he deserved. And she had been crowned queen and empress by the Pope in an equally elaborate ceremony. But somehow, even with all those thousands of people in attendance, it had felt almost hollow without Destin at her side.
She’d tried to stay occupied, setting to work on rebuilding her mother’s castle in Saxony from afar and improving the mountain pass in the Alps so her people could more readily get between the lands of their empire, improving trade. Livia had also discreetly sent some coin and horses to the monks up at the hospice, to make the place more hospitable for them and for the weary travellers they took in. The busier she was, the less time she had to think about Destin, she realised. And yet still the summer dragged on and on.
She couldn’t regret the vow she had made to the College that day, as she knew it was what they’d needed to hear to make her queen. And this was what she wanted. It was her rightful place. But she had really thought Destin might stay. That he would want to be with her anyway. Yet he hadn’t, and her heart had been fractured ever since. He had been her greatest sacrifice and he was always on her mind. She felt the absence of him everywhere she went.
Every night, when she lay awake in the bed where he had first made love to her, she pulled her chronicles open on her lap and found the little edelweiss flower he’d given her in the mountains. She had pressed it between the pages, to keep it safe, and took it out to study it, running her fingers over the petals. ‘It can withstand most storms. A symbol of resilience...’ he’d told her, and remembering his words helped to keep her strong.
She’d invited farmer Charles and his wife to visit soon, and she was looking forward to seeing how they were, and thought she could ask them to bring a few of these flowers from the mountainside and try to grow them here, in the palace gardens. Perhaps it wouldn’t be the right conditions, like it hadn’t been for her and Destin’s relationship, but she thought she would try anyway.
The project she was most excited about and had thrown herself into fully was creating an orphanage in one of the monasteries in Rome. It was for families who didn’t think they could raise their child. If they were struggling, instead of leaving the child out to die in the wilderness, or on the streets, parents could anonymously leave their unwanted child in a foundling wheel and the infant would be looked after by the church until they could be taken in by a loving household. Livia really hoped it would make a difference to children who had been abandoned, children like Destin.
Having decided to stay in Rome and rule from here, she was starting to grow into her position and she felt supported by her councillors. She had made just one error during her time in power so far. She should have seized her uncle in the palace that day, after the election had taken place. First, they had heard accounts of Lothair and his men having gone to France. Now, there were increasing rumours he had won support from the nobles there and was raising an army to attack Rome and usurp the throne, naming him the ‘true sovereign’ of the Holy Roman Empire. While free and alive, he was still very much a threat to her. A black cloud constantly hovering above her.
Lothair was yet to step foot back on the empire’s soil, and she prayed an invasion would never come to pass, but if he did, it would be a direct act of opposition and Livia knew she would have to send troops to fight for her, to safeguard her lands and power. She had promised her people that her reign would be one free of conflict, so she would have to deal with an attack swiftly and effectively, so a battle didn’t escalate into a war.
When the light of the city began to mellow, and the leaves on the trees began to change colour and fall to the ground, farmer Charles and Marta arrived for their visit. Livia was delighted to see them. She had met them at a dramatic time in her life, and their help had meant such a lot to her. She held a feast in their honour, thanking them for their assistance, and the following day, she and Marta took a stroll around the grounds and the woman helped her to plant the edelweiss flowers in a small rock garden. Marta had lifted the roots from the plants in the mountains and divided them, bringing them here as Livia had requested.
‘Forgive me, Your Highness, I hope you do not mind me saying, but you do not seem as content as you were when we met you in the mountains, despite the danger you were in. You must miss your home in Saxony?’ Marta queried.
Livia shrugged. ‘Sometimes. But not as much as I thought I would.’
‘You miss the commander more.’
Livia’s head whipped round. ‘What?’ she gasped, halting digging a hole in the soil, looking up at the woman in disbelief.
‘Oh, ignore me, I’m probably speaking out of turn...’ she said, bustling about, handing out one of the plants for Livia to take.
Livia glanced all around her to check no one was about. A guard stood at the corner of the garden, watching them, but fortunately, he was out of hearing distance.
‘No, it’s all right,’ she said, lowering her voice. She hadn’t mentioned Destin to anyone in weeks, and it felt good to be able to speak of him with someone who knew him. ‘Go on...’
‘I saw you kissing,’ the woman admitted.
Livia’s eyes widened and she felt a flush sweep over her cheeks.
‘By the lake, that day. I think you must have liked him,’ the woman said conspiratorially.
Livia’s throat constricted, the memories hitting her with force. It had been a glorious moment. Her first kiss. Destin had made her toes curl. She had loved him, even then. But she hadn’t known they were being watched. And she realised Destin was right, they would have been found out eventually. She wouldn’t have been able to keep her feelings hidden. They were irrepressible, much too strong.
Her eyes filled with tears and she tried to blink them away. ‘Yes. I did. Very much. But I wish to thank you for not telling anyone about it. For being discreet.’
Marta’s brow furrowed. ‘Oh, I would never.’
‘He gave me one of these,’ Livia said, nodding to the little star-shaped plants. ‘I love them.’
‘People say an edelweiss is a sign of devotion, you know.’
‘Do they?’ She wondered if Destin had known that.
Marta nodded. ‘He was a very handsome man. And one who was willing to die for you too. There’s not too many of those about, I can tell you. What he did out there when those men attacked the cart...’
Livia nodded, still unable to comprehend it herself. ‘I know.’ She shuddered.
‘He must have liked you too, I think!’ she said, raising her eyebrow.
‘Not enough to stay,’ she said miserably, rising to her feet to look Marta in the eyes. ‘When I became queen, I asked him to be my chief commander in my Queen’s Guard, so we could still be together. So I could see him every day. He refused.’
Marta looked at her thoughtfully, tipping her head to one side. ‘I expect he wanted more than that, no?’
Did he?
‘Perhaps. But that would have been impossible. I had just been made empress.’
‘And he’s just a soldier? A Northman...?’
Livia frowned. ‘I didn’t mean that... I didn’t mean he’s beneath me.’
‘No, I don’t think that man could ever be described as just anything,’ the woman said.
But a sudden feeling of unease began to prickle along Livia’s skin. Had she made him feel like he was lacking? Had she made him think he wasn’t worthy? She had offered him a position in her Guard, telling him she’d give him all that the emperor gave him...but had that insulted him?
‘Did you get the chance to tell him what he meant to you?’ Marta asked. ‘Before he left?’
‘He knew.’
But did he?
She began to silently berate her words and actions on that final day, a tight knot forming in her stomach.
She had asked him to stay, saying she wanted to be with him, but she hadn’t told him she loved him. She had shown him with her body, over and over again, she had given herself to him completely, but she’d never said the words. And then a thought lanced her, so swift and brutal, it made her gasp. When she’d suggested they could be together, but keep their relationship secret, had that been the worst thing she could have done? He would have thought she was ashamed of him, as his parents had been, but she wasn’t at all. She just couldn’t see another way around it, how they could be together, and she would have rather had him in secret than not at all.
But now she realised, with blinding obviousness, that a man such as he wouldn’t have wanted to be kept hidden, out of sight, as if he wasn’t significant. He’d suffered that his whole life. Especially as he was important.
She felt the emotion rise, thick in her throat. He was the one person she could depend on and trust more than anyone else. He was the man who had made her the woman she was today. He was the key to her happiness.
News of an imminent invasion came one night, a few weeks later, when Livia had just retired to bed. The beacons had been lit throughout the empire, warning them of the impending attack. Livia had wrapped herself in her robe and raced down to the hall, where all her councillors had gathered.
‘Lothair has landed in Italy and is marching north,’ Matthias told her, filling her in immediately. ‘There have been skirmishes as his army has made its way through the lands in the south. Your people are standing up to him, putting up a fight, but his army is making incursions, heading this way.’
So he had come. Her uncle intended to invade Rome and try to secure his position as king. He would never give up unless he was put down.
Livia’s stomach roiled and she clutched her arms to her chest as she attempted to swallow down her fear.
‘How many of them are there?’
‘They came by a fleet of a hundred ships. Combined with reinforcements picked up in southern Italy, our scouts tell us there are over a thousand men. That is, if he isn’t joined by any other forces on the way north.’
The breath left her.
‘What do you advise we do?’
‘Meet him on our border, near to Naples, and stop him proceeding.’
‘How many men will we need?’
‘All that we have. At least enough to match his army.’
‘Very well.’ She nodded. ‘I shall lead them.’
‘Your Highness. I cannot allow...’
She held up her hand to silence him. ‘I will not send my men into a battle I’m not prepared to fight myself. I’m going, Matthias, and nothing you can say will stop me from doing so.’
Perhaps he saw how adamant she was, how vital her presence might be for the morale of the soldiers, as he clamped his lips together and didn’t fight it further, and later that day, they set off for the south.
The scale of her army was impressive—how many men were willing to fight for her and their empire—and more joined them along the way. Livia was humbled. But she hated that they were in this position. She didn’t want to take fathers and husbands away from their homes and families. Still, she hoped they had a big enough force to fight Lothair and his foreign army.
It was a long trip down to Naples, especially in her heavy, restrictive armour, which she wasn’t used to wearing, and carrying her father’s sword. But she knew she had to remain stoic for her men. They would be looking up to her to set an example, and so she was determined to show no fear. She desperately wanted to be a queen they could believe in.
After what seemed like an immense journey, they heard they were nearing Lothair’s army, and the battle site was picked—one which would give them the most advantage. The men erected tents and they sat around sharing stories by the fires, and she tried to gather her strength. She went around speaking to each group, hoping to remind them what they were fighting for, and in return, their tales of glory kept her spirits up. Still, the tension in the camp was high. Everyone knew that by morning, they would be in the throes of a great battle that would determine their future.
‘You should get some rest now, Your Highness,’ Matthias suggested.
‘The same goes for all of you.’ She nodded. ‘We will all need our strength on the morrow.’
If it were to be her last night to live, she thought, retiring to her tent, this wasn’t how she would choose to spend it. Given the option, she would want to be with Destin. She would want to die in his arms, like she had thought she was going to that day in the cart at the border. Or as an old lady, having lived a lifetime of happiness at his side. And she decided, if she was to survive this battle, afterwards, she would visit him in Constantinople. After all, the emperor had invited her. She needed to see his face again, to look into his eyes and tell him how she felt, to know she’d done everything she could for them to be together.
Morning came much too quickly. The autumn sun struggled to break through the clouds, an encroaching storm hovering overhead in the east, and the men began preparing themselves for what lay ahead. They sharpened their weapons in heavy silence, before forming a formidable line along the ridge above the expanse of meadow. The hilltop site offered them a good defensive position, and they stood awaiting their enemy.
Sitting atop her horse, Livia’s heart was pounding in her chest. Since Lothair had been a threat, she had begun practising sword fighting again with her soldiers at home. She was competent, but she would not consider herself a warrior. She had no experience of ever fighting in a battle. She was afraid, but she could never let her men know that—she was determined to do her best, for them and her empire.
They knew Lothair’s army was drawing near when the ground began to shudder beneath their feet. And as her uncle’s army finally came into view on the horizon, her blood ran cold. There were many of them. And the noise was deafening, as they chanted and roared, trying to strike fear into the hearts of her men. Her soldiers’ horses began to nicker and paw their hooves, agitated, and the men began to jostle for space, nervous now. Only the air was still.
A lone rider crossed the field towards them and Livia and Matthias pressed their ankles into their horses’ sides, urging them forward to greet the man halfway.
‘Your Highness. Prince Lothair demands you lay down your throne and your weapons and he will stop this fight.’
‘Never. He is a traitor to his crown and empire. Tell my uncle that if he doesn’t lay down his own weapons, we will not stop until he is defeated. This ends today.’
‘Then you should prepare for the worst, Your Highness,’ the stranger sneered.
As they galloped back towards her men, she gave a nod for them to get ready, with her leading the charge. Despite her whole body trembling, she would show them her courage, that she was worthy of their loyalty and swords.
Lothair’s men began chanting faster, louder, and then they were charging towards them, swarming across the grass, waving their weapons. It was the most frightening sight she had ever seen.
But all of a sudden, out of nowhere, an enormous body of men appeared from out of the trees on the left, startling both sides, cutting into the flank of Lothair’s men, and the whole of the field descended into chaos.
It took a moment for Livia to register what was happening. That these men wore the burgundy cloak of the Byzantine Varangians, the dragons’ eyes on their tunics mocking their opponents. And there, leading them on his horse, was their commander, Destin.
Destin was here.
Momentarily, she forgot all else. The battle. The enemy. Where she was. She could only focus on him and how magnificent he looked, galloping towards her across the meadow, his brow forming a dark line. He looked almost godlike, in burnished armour, his muscled arm bare, his chest covered in chain-mail, the breeze ruffling his long tied-back hair. He wore a helmet, but his visor was up, and his dark, reprimanding eyes were focused on her. He had grown a full beard, she realised, as she openly stared at him, devouring him, forgetting to blink, and her mouth hung open in wonderment.
His cavalry were keeping the enemy occupied, taking them by surprise, cutting them down, while his infantry fearlessly lined up in formation in front of Livia’s soldiers, putting themselves between her men and the enemy, protecting them.
He galloped towards her, before drawing his horse to a halt next to hers.
‘You’re here!’ she gasped, breathless, verbalising her shock. Her eyes raked over him. She’d missed his handsome face. His ebony eyes. The curve of his generous smile. His incredible body. Their conversations. She’d missed everything about him.
‘So are you,’ he said, and she realised he wasn’t pleased to see her, he was angry. ‘You should not be! The battlefield is no place for a woman.’ He turned to Matthias, unleashing his irritation on her councillor. ‘What were you thinking?’ he raged.
‘I tried to dissuade her. She insisted,’ he said.
‘I don’t want you fighting. It’s much too dangerous,’ Destin barked, his brittle gaze boring into her. ‘Hold back in reserve, behind your infantry.’
She shook her head. ‘No, I need to fight with my men.’
A muscle worked in his cheek, just visible under his armour. ‘There’s no time to argue with me.’
‘What are you doing here?’ she asked, her voice cracking with emotion. She needed to know, now, even though they were in the midst of a battle. ‘Why did you come? How did you know we’d be here?’
Destin surveyed the scene before them, the bloody fight drawing closer. ‘Shield wall!’ he shouted. And all his men locked shields, forming a tight line. They looked formidable, as did he. Then he turned back to her, giving her his attention again. ‘I told you, if you needed me, I would be here. We heard of Lothair leaving France. Alexios allowed me to come with my men. That’s what allies do, right?’
She swallowed. What about lovers?
But she nodded, her eyes filling with grateful tears. She furiously blinked them away.
‘I came as quickly as we could, Your Highness.’
She bristled at the formality of him using her title. And yet, she was elated he had come here for her. To protect her, again. To defend her title, even though it was the cause of their separation. He was still on her side, and it gave her hope...
‘And we are very glad you’re here, Chief Commander,’ Matthias said.
‘Chief?’ Livia asked. The emperor must have raised his rank. Was that because he had done his duty, with her? She had been starved of news of him... How had Matthias not shared this information with her?
Destin turned his focus back to the fight. To commanding his men. And she wondered...reinforced by his troops, might they stand a chance?
She watched in awe as he unsheathed his sword and raised it in the air before leading his infantry into battle, fighting, at the heart of the action, striking the enemy down one by one. He rained down brutal blows on his opponents, as his men fought well by his side. He was a force to be reckoned with, incredible to watch.
His soldiers maintained their shield wall even as they met the enemy’s onslaught. And then Livia lifted her own sword, commanding her own army, and they joined the fray, swords clashing, shields splintering, but she no longer felt afraid. Now Destin was here, she felt invincible.
The first strike of metal against her own shield winded her, but Livia quickly gathered herself together and fought back, trying to push one brute away, then the next. She saw Destin jump down from his horse, before disposing of a man who was bearing down on her, fighting without fear, and he protected her from the spears and axes flying in all directions. They fought back-to-back, and it was working, despite the carnage, soldiers falling wherever she looked, but she dug deep and pushed on, trying to make a difference.
The battle raged, and she was beginning to tire under the weight of her heavy weapon and armour, but she didn’t dare stop, until finally, Lothair’s army began to fragment and fracture. They were outflanked. Men began retreating, fleeing the battlefield, but Destin pressed on, seeking out Lothair, heading directly for his enemy, unwilling to allow him to escape this time.
‘Ah, the one-armed warrior. Come to single-handedly defeat me,’ Lothair mocked, and he gave a brutal swipe of his sword and they began to fight.
Livia’s heart was in her mouth. She couldn’t bear it if something were to happen to Destin. Not now. Especially after he’d come to the rescue of her and her men, putting himself at risk to save her again. Lothair bore down on him, but Destin ducked, just missing the swinging blade, before bringing his own sword down on his opponent. Lothair managed to raise his shield to prevent the blow from doing any damage.
They both fought savagely, and she felt every blow Lothair rained down on Destin as if she was suffering it herself, wincing at each jab. But Destin was quick on his feet, faster than Lothair, and a much more skilful warrior. He was relentless, ruthless, and finally, he managed to knock the weapon out of Lothair’s hand and push him down, onto his back, into the muddy ground. He put his boot on his chest, just as he had done back in Rome, his breathing ragged.
‘It seems we’re here again,’ he said, wiping his brow with the back of his arm, having lost his helmet during the battle. His long hair had come loose and he looked incredible. Powerful. All man. ‘The second time I’ve beaten you. Only this time, you’re not going free. I should kill you right here and now...’
‘Please. Don’t,’ Lothair whimpered, like the coward he was, his eyes wide with fear, the remainder of his men dispersing, deserting him and his cause, not wanting to stick around to see what happened next.
Destin’s and Livia’s men watched on, waiting for the chief commander to run Lothair through. It was his right. But instead, as controlled as ever, Destin turned to look at Livia over his shoulder, his gaze seeking out hers.
‘What do you want me to do with him, Your Highness?’
She swallowed, walking over to him on unsteady feet. ‘The rebellion is defeated. The battle is over. Let us not spill any more blood. I want my reign to be one of mercy, not marked by bloodshed.’
Destin nodded. ‘Get me some rope,’ he ordered one of his men.
When they returned with it, they quickly bound Lothair’s wrists and Destin dragged the traitor to his feet.
‘You will be imprisoned for your crimes against your queen and the empire, Uncle,’ Livia told him, looking her defeated enemy in the eye. ‘You should be ashamed of yourself for all you have done. I never want to see you again.’
‘Take him,’ Destin said to his men. ‘Guard him.’ And the men bundled him away.
Destin sheathed his sword, before turning to look at her.
She stared back at him, her eyes glowing with admiration. It was over. He had saved them. He was alive...
She wanted to throw herself into his arms and collapse against him, to have him pull her close, for him to hold her again and whisper words of comfort into her ear, but she knew he could not with all the soldiers watching. She didn’t even know if he wanted to. So instead, she settled on taking a step closer towards him.
‘Thank you, Destin. For coming to help us. I can’t tell you how much it means to me.’
He nodded, his gaze roaming over her. ‘Are you hurt? I told you not to fight!’ he said.
‘No. Not a scratch,’ she said, and she could see the tension ease from his face.
‘Commander,’ Matthias said, coming over, interrupting them, and Livia felt the crushing disappointment that they were no longer alone. ‘How will we ever thank you? I hope you know how much we appreciate what you did today.’
‘I will always come to your aid.’
Livia hadn’t seen Destin all summer and she wanted to speak to him. Properly. There was so much she wanted to say to him. She wanted to ask him how he’d been. She wanted to know how he’d spent the past few months, and whether he’d missed her. She wanted to touch him, to press her hand against his handsome face again, to rest it over his solid chest. But instead, he turned to talk with her councillor about how word had reached them of Lothair’s plan, the battle, and what now needed to be done to clear the field.
The men walked off, making a start, barking out orders, and she felt bereft. She wanted him to herself. She needed him. But it was clear everyone else did too. They were all in awe of him, at last. Finally, they all saw what she had seen in him from the start. All the men wanted to thank him and praise him, offering their words of appreciation, and they held him responsible for their success here today, for saving her throne and the empire. He was a hero to be admired. But she wanted to be the one to worship him, not them.
It took the rest of the day to bury the bodies. They had suffered far too many losses and it was a depressing task. By the time nightfall came and they’d set up camp, everyone was exhausted.
She tried to speak to Destin when they were sitting around the campfire, but they got interrupted, and finally, when Matthias showed her to her tent and put a soldier on guard outside, she felt desperate. Would she ever get to be alone with him again?
She couldn’t help but think he wasn’t helping the situation, as if he was avoiding her, trying to keep her at a distance. Had he forgotten her, or moved on with his life? She hoped not, for she hadn’t forgotten anything about him. And now she’d seen him again, she wanted him more than ever. She wanted him to come to her tent, to hold her, kiss her and make love to her again. And she lay down on the makeshift bed feeling frustrated.
She wanted to ask him what would happen in the morning. Now that he had come to their aid, that he’d done what he’d come here to achieve, would he be leaving again, returning to Constantinople? She didn’t think she could bear to say goodbye to him for a second time, not now that she knew how bad it felt and how much she missed him. She didn’t want to live without him any more. She wanted him in her future, and this time, she would do whatever it took to make that happen.
They rode all morning, the soldiers in high spirits despite their injuries and lack of sleep. Matthias had announced they would host a celebratory feast in Destin’s honour back in Rome, and Destin had agreed to see them back to the city safely, before returning to Constantinople, but he was finding being back in Livia’s company harder than he’d thought.
Last night, he’d been unable to sleep, knowing she was in a tent a few feet away from him, knowing he was unable to go to her. Seeing her again was a torment. When his gaze had fallen on her on the battlefield, his body had contracted in shock. Not for one moment had he thought she’d be here, on the frontline of the fight. He had hoped she would be safely at home in Rome, and she would never have to witness the brutal battle that had taken place yesterday. His heart had frozen over in fear for her safety.
When he and Alexios had heard of Lothair’s fleet leaving France, they had known they had to help. Destin had headed straight here. But he’d never thought he would be fighting alongside her, just protecting her from afar. He had thought she wouldn’t need to know about his intervention until it was all over.
Instead, she had surprised him by being competent with a sword. But she had been a distraction too. He hadn’t been able to take his eyes off her for a moment. He’d never been so afraid when fighting. He’d been terrified of her getting hurt. What the hell had she been thinking? And yet, he had to admire her bravery. She was certainly an empress the men were ready to fight and die for. He knew he was.
He hadn’t been prepared to see her again. And the force of his emotions came back like a landslide. It had taken him months to learn to cope with the misery of being without her. He had tried to forget her, just like Áki had done with Gerdur, all those years before. But he hadn’t been able to set his mind to anything either, his thoughts were consumed by her, and in one moment, one meeting of their eyes, he was right back to where he’d started, wanting her, all over again.
When he’d ridden out of her life before, he’d felt like a broken man. He’d returned with Alexios to Constantinople and had been made chief commander in his Varangian Guard. He’d been rewarded with riches and a home of his own. He’d got everything he’d ever strived to achieve, and yet it had felt empty somehow without her. He was like the fruit trees he could see from his window in the Great City, lost without their sweet bounty.
He’d felt as if he didn’t know who he was any more, and so, with Alexios’s permission, he’d decided it was time to find out. It was why he’d returned to Norway to try to find his birth family.
He’d come so far. He’d thought he’d moved on. But now, riding behind her on this journey, watching her bottom sway from side to side as her horse trotted in front of him, he knew he wasn’t over her. He had just tried to bury his feelings, pushing them down, trying not to acknowledge them. Now they had sprung forth once more like the water in the fountain in the palace that day, and he knew one thing was vital. He had to protect himself. He had to build a shield wall around his heart. He had to make sure they were never alone. He would see them safely back to Rome for the celebrations they were putting on in his honour, and then leave and never look back, before he did something foolish. Before he destroyed them both.
As they reached a wider track, Livia slowed her horse so they were riding side by side. ‘How have you been?’ she asked quietly.
‘Well, thank you, Your Highness,’ he lied.
Her jaw clenched. He knew she wouldn’t like him calling her by her title, but they were surrounded by her men, what did she expect? Besides, she was the one who had wanted to keep up the pretence of them not being intimate.
‘And you?’
‘Yes, very well. How is the emperor? You will have to pass on my sincerest gratitude to him for sending men to support us.’
‘I will be sure to do that.’ He glanced across at her; she sat atop her horse, riding astride as she had the night they’d first met and had escaped the castle. She was still just as beautiful as she’d looked the first time he’d seen her, despite the dark shadows beneath her eyes. Yet she carried herself proudly, regardless of the weight of responsibility that he knew she must carry around with her for her empire. He wanted to ease her burden. ‘How are you settling into your new role?’
‘It has been busy, but I have learned so much. Something new every day, I think.’
He nodded. It felt good to talk to her again. He wanted to hear how she’d spent every moment of her time since they’d been apart, and he gave himself a silent talking to. He must not allow himself to care.
‘We heard you have not long returned from Norway,’ Matthias said, interrupting them.
Her head flipped round to look at her councillor, her eyes wide. Matthias obviously hadn’t shared that information with her. Just like his title.
‘Norway?’ she asked Destin, incredulous, and he could see the questions burning behind her eyes.
He nodded. ‘Visiting family. I’ll tell you about it sometime,’ he said, inclining his head. ‘But right now, let’s focus on the ride and getting back to Rome. I imagine your people will be eager to see you.’
And he was right. They were. A messenger had been sent ahead to tell the council of their success on the battlefield and when they finally arrived home, the whole of the city had turned out to celebrate their return. But he was shocked to discover they weren’t just cheering for their empress and the soldiers, but for him, as well. It seemed he was the man of the moment. The warrior who had heroically made a stand against Lothair’s forces, protecting their empress, their men and their realm. He bowed his head graciously. He wasn’t used to the attention.
A huge celebration was held across the city to mark their win in Naples and the defeat of Lothair, and it culminated in a lively feast that night. He was surprised to be named the champion of the people and seated next to Livia as her guest of honour. It was quite a turnaround. Everyone wanted to speak to him, to hear his version of how the battle had gone. And yet, all he really wanted was to get her on her own, to have their own celebration. And he chastised himself for his thoughts.
When their knees brushed under the table, he hated that excitement hardened his groin, and when their arms collided, heat rippled through him, and he had to steel himself against it. Her floral scent drifted under his nose, causing a pang in his chest, but he was determined to deny the attraction that still burned between them, even though the feelings he felt for her were as intense as ever.
‘I saw the farmer and his wife a few weeks ago,’ Livia told him.
‘How were they?’ he asked, pouring her some ale from a jug.
‘They are well. They’re considering selling the farm and moving to the city. They’re finding it a lot of work, and too remote. I offered Marta a position at the palace.’
‘Did she accept?’
‘She’s thinking about it.’
He nodded, wondering what it would have been like if he’d accepted her proposition. Perhaps he would be retiring to a warm bed rather than a cold one. Had he made a huge mistake? Surely it would be better to have her in his life in some capacity, rather than not at all?
‘We planted some edelweiss flowers in the palace gardens while she was here. I don’t know if they’ll put down roots and bloom, but I’m hoping so. Did you know they’re a symbol of devotion?’ she asked him, looking up into his eyes.
‘I did know that, yes.’
She swallowed.
He was pleased when finally the meal came to an end and the entertainment began so he could excuse himself to get back to the safety of his barracks. When he pushed out his chair and stood, he saw her face fall, but he was determined to put himself far, far away from temptation.
He thought he had been successful. But as he crossed the courtyard to the soldier’s barracks, he heard her softly call his name. Had he imagined it? Was it just wishful thinking? He halted, even though he knew he should keep walking. But the pull of her voice was too much. When he turned round he saw her coming towards him, her beautiful golden eyes glittering in the moonlight.
‘Go back inside, Livia. We can’t be seen out here.’
‘I just wanted to ask you about Norway,’ she said, and he knew he’d hurt her with his sharp words. She began wringing her hands. ‘Will you tell me about it? Please?’
He was touched she was interested and his heart jammed in his chest. Did she still care? He raked his hand over his hair. ‘I’ll tell you about it if you promise to go back inside afterwards.’
She nodded. ‘All right... What made you go back there?’
‘You,’ he said simply, shrugging. And he sat down on the courtyard steps.
Her eyes widened. ‘Me?’
‘Yes. Watching you become the woman you were born to be made me look at myself. It made me realise I still didn’t know who I was or where I’d come from. I didn’t know what kind of blood flowed through my veins. After I left here, for the first time in my life, I wanted to find out.’
‘And did you find out?’ she asked, coming to sit down beside him. ‘Did you manage to find your family?’
The hall erupted into clapping and cheering inside, but he was only focused on her. Helvete! How did she have this hold over him?
‘Yes. It took a while. I went back to the woods where Áki found me, and began asking questions of all the villagers in the settlements around there. I was getting nowhere, I was losing hope, when I was sitting in an alehouse and a woman approached me. She’d heard I’d been asking questions and hadn’t known whether to speak out. It turned out she was my mother. And she was both shocked and delighted to find me alive. She told me not a day had passed when she hadn’t thought about me, or regretted her decision. It was like I’d thought, they’d been worried about my future and had decided it would be more merciful to put me out to die.’
‘It still shocks me to hear it, even now,’ Livia said with a shudder.
‘They are simple farmers. She couldn’t believe it when I told her I was a commander in the Emperor’s Guard.’
‘Chief Commander,’ she corrected him. ‘I notice you have been raised to a higher rank. Congratulations.’
He inclined his head in acknowledgement. ‘Thank you. She took me to meet my father. And I have two brothers, both younger than me. I looked into their faces and saw myself. They looked just like me, only they had no impairments.’ He shook his head as he was reminiscing. ‘It was...good, to finally know where I’d come from.’
‘I can imagine.’
He’d finally felt free. As if he could return to Constantinople, knowing himself better. ‘They welcomed me back, said I could stay, but I told them it wasn’t where I belonged.’
But moving back to Constantinople, he hadn’t felt as if he belonged there either. Not any more. He was unable to settle, finding it difficult to live without Livia. He finally understood how Áki had felt when Gerdur had died, needing to travel, to see new places and make new memories to try to stamp out the pain of thinking about the old ones. Now that he was back here, with her, he didn’t want to be parted from her. All he wanted to do was reach out and touch her. He so desperately wanted to stay. But their circumstances hadn’t changed, and he knew he couldn’t.
‘Thank you, for telling me,’ she said.
He gave a brief nod. ‘Go back inside now. You promised.’
‘What are you worried about? What do you think is going to happen?’ she asked him, tipping her head to one side to study him. ‘Don’t you trust yourself around me?’
His eyes narrowed on her. ‘Truthfully? No.’
He saw her eyes widen just a little, shocked at his searing honesty, that he’d admitted it. And then she smiled.
‘Destin, I’d like to show you something on the morrow. Will you meet me here, at the gates, before we break our fast in the morning?’
‘You know I’m leaving tomorrow, don’t you? I’m returning to Constantinople.’
‘Yes,’ she said sadly. ‘So will you do this one thing for me, before you go?’
He got to his feet and drew his hand over his beard. ‘You know I can’t deny you anything, Livia,’ he said wryly. It’s what he was so afraid of. Why he had to get away. ‘I’ll see you on the morrow then,’ he said, and he turned his back on her, leaving her sitting there on the steps of her palace in the moonlight.
‘Where are we going?’ he asked.
‘You’ll see.’
The carriage took them along the streets of her capital to the monastery and when they arrived outside, he raised an eyebrow. ‘You’ve brought me to church?’
She rolled her eyes at him as they got out. ‘No, not quite. I wanted to share with you a project that’s become close to my heart this summer,’ she said, stepping out, waiting for him to follow her, stooping his head as he curled his big body out of the cabin. ‘I’ve brought you to my orphanage.’
He swung to look at her and she met his gaze.
‘Orphanage?’ he pressed.
‘Yes. We have turned one of the monasteries into an orphanage,’ she explained. ‘For families who don’t feel able to raise a child, for whatever reason...’
He stared at her, incredulous. ‘That is an admirable thing to do,’ he rasped. ‘What inspired that?’
‘You.’
His throat closed in shock.
‘Which is why I’ve called it Hospice Destiny. After you. You, and the children here, have proven that out of trauma and tragedy, true greatness can appear.’
Is that what she thought? He was incredibly moved.
‘Will you come inside and meet some of the children? They are amazing,’ she said, tugging his arm. ‘They have so much potential.’
He allowed her to lead him through the doors and they spent the next few hours walking around the orphanage, talking to the children, and seeing the work the bishops were doing with them. And he was astounded. Of her. Of what they had achieved. He looked over at her, as she was cradling one of the babies, and their eyes met. His heart swelled.
He couldn’t believe that he had had such an impact on her that she would create such a place for children like him. He was astounded. Perhaps he wasn’t quite as insignificant to her as he’d thought.
‘It’s incredible, Livia. Really. I’m proud of you. You really are an empress to look up to.’
As they stepped back out onto the street, the afternoon sun shining down on them, he ran his hand round the back of his neck. The silence stretched between them.
‘Shall we walk a little?’ she asked.
He knew it was time to go, to leave her, so why was it that he couldn’t bring himself to do so? He gave a short nod.
They began to walk down a leafy lane, her guards following behind them at a distance, but after a few strides, she stopped, turning towards him. ‘Destin, I’m so glad you’re here. I have thought of nothing but you all summer long. I have missed you, terribly. I’ve been miserable without you,’ she said. ‘I should never have made that vow to the College that day. It was wrong of me.’
He stared down at her, his throat choked with emotion. ‘You said what you needed to say to make you empress. It was the right thing to do, Livia.’
‘No, it wasn’t,’ she said, shaking her head adamantly. ‘Because I was lying to my people and myself. And I wasn’t fair to you. I hurt you. And nothing has felt right since, with you being gone. You say I’ve become the woman I was born to be, but you made me that woman, Destin. And I am only half of the woman I know I could be with you by my side.’
His dark gaze studied her. ‘What are you saying?’
She reached down and took his hand in hers, looking up at him. ‘I realise now, I made you feel as if you weren’t good enough for me. That you weren’t worthy of my love. But no one is more deserving of love than you, Destin. And I should have told everyone how I felt about you. That I couldn’t live without you. I should have told you that I love you. Because I do. So much. And I want to make it up to you now, by telling you I love you every day, for the rest of our lives.’
He went very still, unable to believe what he was hearing. ‘You love me?’ Despite the fact he was a Northman? A pagan? His impairment? It was all he’d wanted to hear. ‘I thought you just wanted to seduce me—I didn’t realise you loved me,’ he said, trying to jest, but he knew now was the time to be serious. What she was saying was very serious.
‘I think I loved you from the moment you helped that horse in the stables that first night,’ she said, her lips trying to form a smile, but it crumpled, the significance of what she was trying to tell him, getting to her. ‘And every moment since then.’
‘I don’t think telling the College that would have helped you become empress, Livia,’ Destin said, staring down into her eyes that were sparkling like yellow diamonds.
‘No, but telling you might have changed your mind about staying. I’m hoping it does now. I don’t want you to leave again, Destin. I want you to stay. Always.’
His heart was overflowing with emotion. She loved him. But did that change anything? Could he now stay? He wanted to. And being the bodyguard of someone he loved, protecting someone he cared for was a good way to spend his time. He could live with that.
‘Are you reiterating your offer, to be in your Queen’s Guard, to be by your side and protect you every day?’ He’d felt a fool for turning her down before, and had regretted it many a restless night since, longing to have her back in his embrace. If she asked him again now, he knew he would weaken and say yes.
‘No,’ she said, shaking her head. ‘I don’t need a bodyguard, Destin... But I do want a husband.’
When Livia saw how Destin had earned the respect and support of the people, how his name was revered around the city, she wondered if it was possible they might finally see in him what she did. She hoped so, because one thing had become very clear to her. She knew she had to have him in her future. She couldn’t lose him again. And she was prepared to fight for him, as he had fought for her on the battlefield.
Last night, it was as if he’d returned to the man she’d first met in Harzburg, devoid of emotion. She’d seen a flicker of the real him return when he’d told her of finding his family, but apart from that, she knew he was shutting her out, trying to keep her at bay, even if it was a struggle. Because he was trying to do the right thing, as always. But seeing the flare of panic in his eyes as she’d approached him in the courtyard, she’d begun to hope. If he was so concerned something might happen between them if they were left alone, then perhaps he might still feel a little of what she felt for him.
Afraid now, she wrung her hands. ‘I visited the electors at the palace this morning. I asked for their permission to marry you...’
His eyes widened. His brows rose. ‘What?’
‘I know it sounds absurd. I don’t even know if you want to marry me, or how you feel about me any more. But I had to ask, just to know if there was even a possibility, a chance for us. You are the man who saved our empire, who saved me, after all, so I couldn’t think of a better time to speak to them.’
His gaze raked over her and he stepped towards her. ‘What did they say, Livia?’
Her eyes filled with tears. ‘They asked me to wait outside while they discussed it. I paced the courtyard for a long while. But when they called me back in, they said yes.’
‘They said yes?’ he asked, repeating her words.
‘Yes,’ she smiled, her eyes filling with tears. ‘But there are conditions attached, of course.’ And she bit her lip, suddenly feeling nervous. She wasn’t sure what he’d make of them.
‘What are they?’
She shook her head. ‘It is a big ask...’
‘Tell me.’
‘They would require you to renounce your nationality. And all titles. I know how hard you have worked to get to where you are now.’ She knew it was too big a request, perhaps that’s why the council had suggested it, to test him. But she hadn’t wanted to give up her authority to a man. Why would he? ‘And you would never be king here, but merely my husband. Perhaps a duke in time...’ she continued. ‘You could still command my Royal Guard, if you wanted... And...and they would expect you to convert to our religion. To be baptised...’ She thought back to his comments about her religion in the chapel before they’d started out on the mountain pass, and how he would never convert to Christianity for Alexios, so she wondered if he might laugh at her, for even suggesting it. ‘I know it is a lot to think about, that it is too much to ask...’
Suddenly, he pulled her close, wrapping his arm around her waist, bringing her right up against him, not caring they were in the middle of the lane, who saw, and she gasped.
‘I don’t need titles, Livia. Or riches or lands. All I want to be known as is the man who you love. That is enough for me. Because I love you so much and I cannot bear to be parted from you again either.’
She felt the breath leave her. She couldn’t believe it. ‘What about your religion? Your Norse gods.’
‘I believe in you and our love far more than any faith... I will work around it.’
She frowned. ‘So you’re willing to do all those things, sacrifice them all, for me?’
‘If it means I can be at your side for the rest of our lives, and not have to hide how I feel about you, then yes.’
He pressed a soft kiss to her temple to show her and whoever was watching how much he loved her. ‘Thank you, for fighting for me. And for the amazing legacy of the orphanage, Livia.’
‘About that...’ She bit her lip. ‘Can I throw in another condition?’
He pulled her tighter, his lips a breath away from hers.
‘Looking after the children at the orphanage, I was starting to think having a child of my own might be worth facing and dealing with my fear of childbirth. With the right person at my side to get me through it.’
He frowned, her statement sinking in. ‘You want children?’
‘Your children.’
‘But...’ He shook his head a little. ‘What if they’re like me? Look like me?’
She smiled then, wrapped her arms around him too. ‘I really hope they do, Destin,’ she laughed. ‘Because you are the most beautiful man I have ever met. Inside and out. And they will be the most loved children in all the empire because I will love them as much as I love you.’
He drew her closer and pressed his lips against hers, kissing her tenderly.
‘Is that a yes, then?’ she said, when he ended the kiss, leaving her feeling warm and excited.
‘If we can make a start on the having children part right now.’