Paging Chief Cobbler
This is the first time I’ve been called on at school to be acting Dwarf Police Chief. I need to be professional.
“So tell me exactly what happened,” I say to the girl who sent for me. I try to use my best serious voice. I should really have a scroll on me and a quill. Does Pete take notes? Should I already have called for backup? I fire off a series of questions to the girl who is stuck playing messenger: “Have you spotted a creature at our doors? Is it a recognizable villain? Or a giant attack? I’ve recently learned giants can be friendly, but one can never be sure who they’re crossing paths with. What kind of attack was it?”
We reach the foyer. A group of dwarves are arguing. The girl stops and looks at me strangely. “They said it was an attack on vegetables.”
Vegetables? That doesn’t sound like a very pressing matter for the police chief.
“I told you to stay off my farm!” one dwarf yells, throwing his right arm back and hitting the other dwarves in the face with goo. They’re all covered in a strange green slime. They’re so busy arguing, they don’t realize we’re there.
“Well, I’ll leave you to it,” the girl says. “I need to get back for the theater break. The genie meet-and-greet is today. Don’t want to miss it.”
“Genie meet-and-greet?” I repeat.
“Yes.” The girl pulls a pink quill out of her uniform dress pocket. “I’m fifteenth in line, and my friend Rita is holding my spot. Darlene’s going to sign our scripts and do a story time about some of her former masters. She’s even going to provide snacks.” She sighs. “Everyone loves her.”
Snacks. Like Maxine, I don’t think Darlene is ready for her stay at Fairy Tale Reform School to be over. She’s clearly enjoying the attention after not having any for a few hundred years. No wonder she’s stopped pushing Maxine to make her final wish.
“You threw first! Not me!” another dwarf shouts.
“Can you blame me? You ruined three bushels of my crop with your stunt!” says a third dwarf.
“I told you I didn’t do it!” says the first.
I can’t tell what this vegetable problem is with all the yelling. “Gentlemen?” I try. They keep yelling. “Sirs?” Nothing. I put two fingers in my mouth and whistle. That gets their attention. They all look at me. “What seems to be the problem?”
“Who are you?” demands a dwarf with green slime all over his face and in his beard.
“Yeah, where is Pete?” asks another. “We asked for the Dwarf Police Chief.”
“You’re just a girl…dressed as a tree,” says the third.
“Pete is on vacation.” My face warms slightly. “I’m, uh, filling in.”
“They put a kid in charge of kingdom security?” The first blots his face with a handkerchief. “No wonder things are such a mess.”
“Would you rather speak with Headmistress Flora?” I ask hopefully. “Or Rapunzel? She’s a member of the royal court, and both are on school grounds.”
“They said to ask for you,” sighs one of the dwarves. “Didn’t know you’d be a kid though.” They all mumble in agreement.
I exhale sharply. “Are you going to tell me what happened? If not, I have musical rehearsal to get back to.” Which suddenly sounds way more appealing than dealing with these guys.
“See this all over me?” asks a dwarf with slime all over his blue overalls. “He threw this at my farm! Now my entire crop is ruined!”
“Why would I do that, Hank?” asks the second dwarf, sounding clearly exasperated as he removes his green spectacles. “I grow vegetables too, and my crop is also destroyed! Now no one near Fawn Lake can get a fresh radish if they want one!”
My ears perk up. “Did you say radish?”
“No one anywhere in the kingdom can get their hands on a radish,” corrects the third dwarf, who has the longest white beard I’ve ever seen. “There are no radishes anywhere! Or gingerroot! Or strawberries!”
“Just those three fruits and vegetables are ruined?” I ask, feeling confused. Why would anyone ruin a radish crop? Radishes are great for getting rid of those nasty gargoyles. The hair on my neck stands up. Could the gargoyles have taken them all? They were Alva’s spies. But I haven’t heard of any sightings. The headquarters have been sending me daily scrolls with crime reports, and the only thing I’ve seen is some lady rambling about a typhira. People couldn’t get them confused with gargoyles, could they? “Did you see anything flying over your property? A gargoyle, perhaps?”
“If a gargoyle was on my farm, I’d know,” sniffs the first dwarf. “I know people claim they saw a typhira, but we all know there’s no such thing. This was a prank. And they started it!”
I rub my temples the best I can with these leafy arms. How can Pete deal with these issues on a daily basis? I can handle a dragon on the loose or a beanstalk on school grounds, but people arguing over vegetables… I just don’t think I have the strength. “So this prank involved covering both your crops and each other in goo?”
“No,” says Hank sheepishly. “The radishes are missing. The goo is on the remaining crops. We just have it on us because we threw it at one another. The only crops I have that aren’t ruined are blueberries.”
“All I have are my green beans,” says the third dwarf. “This has been happening for weeks. We keep appealing to headquarters to send someone out, but every time they do, there is nothing going on. The attacks happen at night. Maybe you could camp out and watch for yourself?”
“I’m not allowed to leave school at night without permission,” I tell them. Plus, I’m not sure I’d want to camp out to see who is ruining radishes. It’s not like anyone was hurt. “But I will send some squad members out to take samples of this slime and look for clues.” I pause. “And you’re sure you haven’t seen any flying gargoyles?”
“No!” Hank shouts. “Gargoyles don’t frequent these parts.” He looks at me suspiciously. “Aren’t you supposed to be the police chief? You should know that.” The other two snicker.
My face feels hot. “I know. I’m just checking.”
“Then check on the weather too,” says the second dwarf. “It cannot be sunny and warm one moment and then snowy the next. It doesn’t make sense.”
He’s right, it doesn’t. According to Ollie, typhira can change the weather. But they aren’t real, are they? Something isn’t adding up. “I will send someone out to investigate as soon as I can. We’re also trying to track down Rumpelstiltskin so resources are slim.”
Earl’s eyes widen. “Slim? This is our livelihoods at stake! Come on, fellas. This kid doesn’t know what she’s doing.”
“This kid?” I cry, and poof! More patty-cakes appear. The dwarves eye them eagerly. “Here. Take them as a parting gift,” I say wearily.
Hank snatches the tray of treats and walks out the door. “As if patty-cakes could make up for my radishes,” I hear him say. “Ooh! These are good though.”
“Gilly, there you are!” Miri the Magic Mirror lights up behind me; the mirror’s glass is a mix of blue, yellow, and pink swirling colors. “I’ve been looking for you. I have a Dwarf Police Squad update,” she says cheerily. “Red says there was an incident at Red’s Ready-for-Anything Shoppe with a customer refusing to pay for the protection charms they wanted to buy. They broke a broom in anger on their way out the door. Two Pegasus coaches collided in the village square, toppling an apple cart and causing damage to Pinocchio’s puppet theater. The Enchantasia Civic Association has requested a meeting to discuss ongoing lake revitalization efforts and a possible new mermaid-under-the-sea shop that someone would like to open. Two more farmers have made accusations about, well, each other, regarding their strawberry fields, which are covered with green goo.”
“Is that all?” I slide down against the cold, stone wall and onto the floor. I have a massive headache, and I’ve just realized it’s going to be awfully hard to stand back up in this tree costume.
“Nope! Margaret Hamlet of 2 West Wind Way says her door was vandalized by children who should be in Fairy Tale Reform School but aren’t because, and I quote, ‘It seems like Fairy Tale Reform School is too busy chasing villains to look after the youth anymore.’ And there have been two more typhira sightings, if you believe that sort of hogwash.” She snickers. “If I were you, I’d ask Pete to come back from vacation ASAP.” Her mirror fades to black.
She’s annoying, but she’s not wrong.
“Gilly!” A fairy races around the corner and spots me on the ground. She flies over me. “I’ve been looking everywhere for you!”
Oh no. Not another problem. “Yes?”
“Maxine needs you to come to the Creature Care classroom right away. Peaches is eating everything in sight!”
Peaches is always eating everything in sight. Is this really a job for the Dwarf Police Chief? Maybe this is what Pete meant when he said this job wasn’t just about battling villains. Maybe it really is about making every person who comes to you with a problem feel like they’ve been heard. I can’t clamp Peaches’s mouth closed, but I can be there when Maxine needs me. “Can you help me up?”
The fairy pulls me up and whisks me through two hallways before depositing me in front of the battered Creature Care classroom doors. They’re closed, but I can hear the symphony of neighs, chirps, and elephant roars from here. I quickly enter the room and find cages rattling, animals running around, and a llama standing on a table.
“Maxine?” I call.
“Back here!” I spot her outside the back door of the classroom in the paddock where creatures like AG’s unicorn Butterscotch, are kept. She’s still in her full costume and makeup. “Come quick!”
I run back and find her locked in a tug of war with Peaches over a radish.
“Help! She’s going to eat it!” Maxine cries, tugging on the radish.
I’m confused, but I rush over, pulling on the back of Maxine’s arm as she tugs the radish from Peaches’s mouth. I’m trying to remember if Peaches is allergic to radishes and if that’s why Maxine is so upset. But I don’t think Peaches is allergic to anything.
Peaches has her beak clamped down hard on the radish leaf roots. We give a valiant effort, but man, is Peaches strong, and it seems like the other animals in the room are watching and cheering her on. Jax’s dog is yipping, Ollie’s parrot is squawking, and the llama is pawing at the table nervously. Actually, a lot of the animals seem nervous. Is it because of Maxine’s blue wig?
“Pull!” I try one more time, but Peaches yanks harder, and we go flying, hitting the floor.
“Stop her!” Maxine cries, but it’s too late.
Peaches swallows the radish whole and lets out a massive burp. The other animals only make more of a ruckus.
“Why can’t Peaches have radishes?” I ask breathlessly.
“She can, but she shouldn’t because that’s the last of the radishes at school,” Maxine says, her left eye rolling around in the socket. “I was in the middle of singing my big number before intermission, and Peaches started squawking about some radish shortage and not wanting them to get ahold of them. Something about ‘save the radishes!’ which didn’t make sense to me so I kept singing, but then Peaches took off and all these animals burst into Madame Cleo’s room in terror, and Peaches was gone, so I ran here and found her eating every radish in sight while the other animals cowered in their cages in a panic.” She lifts a sticky shoe. “And there’s all this goo over the floor.”
“How would Peaches eating all of the radishes save them?” I ask.
Maxine blinks. “You know Peaches. She likes to protect things. And she said you weren’t doing a good job so it was up to her.” We both look at Peaches.
Peaches glares at me. Quack!
Even Peaches thinks I’m not cutting it.
The animals continue to shake and cower, with one cat meowing loudly and a corral of chicks peeping madly. They’re clearly upset about something.
“When you came in, did you see anyone else in here?” I ask, and Maxine shakes her head. I look at Peaches. “Was it a gargoyle?” I try. That causes mass hysteria. Peaches is flapping her wings and going wild. “You did see a gargoyle?” I ask again.
“No! She said no!” Maxine snaps. “No one saw anything. Peaches said she just came to save the radishes. Which she did. But I really wish she hadn’t eaten all of them. It isn’t nice to be greedy, Peaches,” Maxine scolds.
Peaches burps again.
I look around the room for clues, checking the troughs. The only things missing are strawberries and radishes. Gargoyles don’t like strawberries, do they? Do typhiras? No! Don’t be ridiculous, Gilly. They’re not real!
“I need to get back to rehearsal, and Darlene wants to go over some new promotional scrolls so…” Maxine starts to back out of the room.
“Maxine, this is getting out of control,” I tell her again.
“I know, I know,” Maxine says again, looking forlorn. “Just give me another week until the musical. Please, Gilly? I need this.”
I look at Maxine’s pleading face and cave. It’s just some missing radishes. It’s not a beanstalk in the vegetable garden or a dragon in the school gym. I sigh. “Okay. One more week.”
Pegasus Postal Service
Flying Letters Since the Troll War!
FROM: Gillian Cobbler (Fairy Tale Reform School)
TO: Pete, Police Dwarf Squad (Address Unknown)
PETE! WHERE ARE YOU?
I can’t do this! I don’t know how to be a Dwarf Police Chief! I’m a kid, and every time people bring me another problem, I realize more and more I don’t know how to fix things. I’m trying, but—and I can’t believe I’m saying this—I need your help. Please come back! Immediately!
Sincerely and with much regret,
Gillian Cobbler
RETURN TO SENDER: FORWARDING ADDRESS UNKNOWN