Chapter Two:
Know Your Partner

How Do You Perceive Your Partner’s Personality?

There’s something to the expression “Love is blind.” When we’re in love, our brains are manufacturing a feel-good brain chemical called oxytocin. Naturally high, we believe what we perceive is our lover’s true nature. But experts report we tend to view our partners as archetypes (ideal examples), and our impression is formed through the lens of our own experiences—not necessarily what’s happening in the here and now. Yet, for a healthy, long-lasting relationship, it’s best to keep it real. It’s the only way your relationship can unfold and develop. This test will help you see what you’re focusing on. Travis Bradberry, PhD, author of The Emotional Intelligence Quick Book, says, “By looking at your partner’s reaction to situations, you’ll discover his most impressive quality and learn how it affects you—and your relationship.”

1 Of these, the character trait you think is his strongest is:

a. Friendliness.

b. Trustworthiness.

c. Decisiveness.

2 You’d describe his handshake as:

a. Somewhat firm.

b. Soft and warm.

c. Strong.

3 He’s most likely to begin a call with a friend by saying something like:

a. I was just thinking about you.

b. What have you been up to?

c. I can’t wait to tell you . . .

4 If the person behind you at the movies started talking a lot, your guy would:

a. Ask the person to be quiet in a pleasant voice.

b. Turn around to give the person a look.

c. Face the screen but whisper, “Shhhh!”

5 If your man was around a toddler who wouldn’t share and grabbed a toy from another little one, he would most likely:

a. Tell him he needs to share and have him give the toy back.

b. Ask him if there’s another toy he’d like to share.

c. Return the toy to the other child himself.

6 Who initiates lovemaking more?

a. I’m not sure.

b. I do.

c. He does.

7 If a co-worker took credit for his ideas, he’d probably:

a. Take the co-worker aside and privately suggest that he or she corrects the error.

b. Let it go—this time.

c. Politely correct his co-worker immediately in front of whoever was listening.

Analysis

MOSTLY A’S

HIS MOST IMPRESSIVE QUALITY IS HIS INCOMPARABLE SOCIAL SKIL.

No matter the situation or the person he’s dealing with, he usually intuitively knows what to say or do. That’s because he recognizes that others want to feel important and all it takes is some positive feedback. People appreciate this. “His outgoing nature rallies people to him,” says Bradberry.

ADVICE

It’s common for couples to let one person be the social butterfly while the other one becomes more passive. But there’s room for two to be in the limelight. Try this:

• Make a list of actions or goals you want to reach and then give yourself a deadline to achieve them. When you take actions step-by-step, you’ll be less likely to feel like a shrinking violet.

• Try saying yes instead of no. Your first reaction may be to turn down a challenge but think it over again. Exploring different options can actually expand your ability to shine.

• Schedule in double dates and share the social scene. Practice using your charisma to engage friends in conversation.

MOSTLY B’S

HIS MOST IMPRESSIVE QUALITY IS HIS ABILITY TO READ OTHERS.

From the shift in his body language to the tone of his voice, your guy has no trouble reading other people. His ability to put himself in others’ shoes drives this trait. And he’s a good listener, too. “When you listen to what’s on a person’s mind, barriers are broken—and they’ll be receptive to what you say,” says Bradberry.

ADVICE

Since your guy is the master at communication, you’ve let your diplomatic skills go to seed. Here’s how to replenish them:

• Delegate. Allow others who have expertise to carry some of the load. If it makes you uncomfortable to let someone else share responsibility, it’s okay to check in once in a while.

• Open your palms. Surprisingly, a study shows this simple gesture of letting go actually helps release the impulse to take over situations.

• Eat foods rich in B6, which will help to keep your nervous system steady during up and down times: spinach, tuna, walnuts, white meat chicken and turkey, bananas, and raisins are all good choices.

MOSTLY C’S

HIS MOST IMPRESSIVE QUALITY IS HIS INDEPENDENCE.

Whenever he enters a room, his confidence comes through just by his posture and the way he walks. “When you have confidence, people feel sure about you and want to follow your lead,” says Bradberry. His high self-esteem and take-charge qualities means he’s capable of setting forth a plan, but he also knows how to compromise when it’s necessary.

ADVICE

This means you often step aside and let him take over. To make sure you’re also meeting your potential:

• Set daily goals. The longer your list, the less you’re likely to accomplish, so keep it to a maximum of five things.

• Learn to take a breather and relax. Even though he’s calm and relaxed about being in the driver’s seat, you tense up if it’s your turn. Take a deep breath and tell yourself, “I can do this!”

• Shut down distractions and limit multitasking. Studies show when you don’t give full attention to a primary task you’ll make 30 percent more mistakes and can spend up to 20 percent more time correcting them.

• Do tai chi, yoga, or meditation exercises. You have the perfect personality for these proven confidence-boosting practices. Plus, each of them can help you find your strong center.