My pet peeve when it comes to a guy’s fighting strength is the moping man. For me, nothing is worse than the silent treatment. But you might not agree. It doesn’t really matter what your personal preference is; it’s more important to be able to identify the way your guy voices his displeasure and be able to respond so he feels understood. What? You say you never fight? Think again: No two people in the world, no matter how made for each other they feel, will ever agree about everything at all times. What’s more, it’s good to let off steam. Jill Spiegel, author of The Pocket Pep Talk, says, “Couples who have healthy fights develop a kind of efficacy that makes the relationship stronger as time goes on.” In recognition of the usefulness of arguing—find out what kind of fighter you’ve fallen for!
1 When packing for a trip, he usually:
a. Gives himself a small but comfortable margin of time to spare.
b. Throws things into the suitcase at the last minute.
c. Packs carefully and well in advance.
2 The last time he was stuck in traffic, he:
a. Tuned in to music and just kept inching his way along.
b. Switched lanes to get ahead.
c. Turned on the traffic report to get an idea of the delay.
3 When he makes a mistake, does he usually react by saying:
a. “Let me try again.”
b. “What can I learn from this?”
c. “How can I do it differently next time?”
4 During the evening hours, he prefers to:
a. Curl up in front of the TV set.
b. Catch up on whatever needs to be done.
c. Make up tomorrow’s schedule.
5 What was his best subject in high school?
a. English or history
b. Art or music
c. Math or science
6 If a cocktail he was planning to serve to guests didn’t come out exactly as expected, he would most likely:
a. Serve it anyway.
b. Doctor it up—fast!
c. Switch to an entirely different drink.
7 He prefers to:
a. Watch sports.
b. Play sports.
c. Ignore sports.
8 When it comes to watching television, he usually:
a. Goes with his favorites.
b. Channel surfs.
c. Checks the listings in advance.
9 Would he consult a feng shui expert before decorating his apartment?
a. If it matched his decorating taste.
b. Absolutely.
c. Are you kidding? No way!
10 If the forecast was for bright skies, but there were sudden looming clouds just as he was about to go for a hike, he would most likely:
a. Take his chances and just leave.
b. Reschedule.
c. Grab rain gear and go.
Analysis
MOSTLY A’S
HIS FIGHTING STRENGTH IS RESILIENCY.
He bounces right back because he knows arguing is just part of the process—a stepping-stone toward intimacy. “He’s deeply positive, optimistic, and self-confident,” says Jill Spiegel. “It’s why he can keep walking forward no matter what difficulties you both encounter.” In fact, studies show resiliency is the number one trait of folks who rank highest on the scale of emotional intelligence—a prime predictor of relationship success.
MOSTLY B’S
HIS FIGHTING STRENGTH IS FLEXIBILITY.
Outstanding at finding alternative routes to compromise, he’s super adaptable, can change directions easily, and stays open-minded to a wide range of possibilities. “Surveys show folks who are flexible are easy to get along with because they don’t hold too firmly to only one way of doing things,” says Spiegel. “They consider difficulty a challenge—not a defeat!” Spontaneous, able to think on his feet, and naturally creative—he’s pretty easy going. And since he can bend easily, even when there’s a sudden surprise and plans fall apart, he remains calm, steady, and centered.
MOSTLY C’S
HIS FIGHTING STRENGTH COMES FROM A STRONG SENSE OF REASON.
As a strategic thinker, he can analyze any situation and think through problems quickly because he’s able to look at both the big picture and small details all at once. “He also knows how to evaluate information,” says Spiegel. “He gathers advice and researches the facts, but ultimately uses his own sense of practical reasoning to come to the right conclusion.” As a man who knows how to stand back and look ahead, he’s usually fully prepared, which means whatever life hands over he’s ready to take it on!
Advice
Regardless of fighting strengths or styles, whenever you need to discuss something really heavy that’s likely to bring up disagreements, it’s best to plan for it.
• Decide when. Identify a good time for your discussion. Avoid times when either of you are tired, children may be listening, or stress may be looming. If it is a time when you are both relaxed, it is likely to work better.
• Decide where. Find a neutral location for your discussion. Avoid discussions in your bed or in locations where you are likely to be interrupted.
• Decide what. Agree on the topic or the problem for discussion beforehand.
