What Are Your Partner’s Goals in a Relationship?

Forget the serenades by moonlight or rose-petal-strewn sheets—although both would be nice! If you want your relationship to thrive you’d be advised to come up with a joint mission statement. A survey of six hundred couples found that pursuing common goals with the same intensity is the key to lasting love. “The problem is that different goals and priorities create arguments and conflict,” explains Warwick Hosking, PhD, the researcher who conducted the study. “Opposites attract” is really a fallacy and only romantic folklore. The adage that makes more sense is: “Birds of a feather flock together.” Take this test to discover where your partner puts his focus and whether it’s in sync with yours.

1 Do you consider your partner a risk taker?

a. Not really

b. Sometimes

c. Absolutely

2 How does he react when meeting new people?

a. A little uncomfortable at first

b. Enjoys it

c. Is always at ease and tries to learn from the interaction

3 Given a choice, would he take a job which:

a. Lets him work from home.

b. Gives him a chance to express himself.

c. Includes lots of travel.

4 He would describe his main career objective as:

a. Providing income for daily needs.

b. Making a difference in the world.

c. Doing something he enjoys and can be recognized for.

5 Other than the computer, what item on his desk does he glance at most often?

a. A framed picture of you, his family, or his pet

b. A daily appointment book

c. A can-do affirmation

6 If he wanted a stress-busting vacation, would he book a:

a. Secluded resort.

b. Disney vacation.

c. Luxury spa.

7 Where would he most likely place a bet?

a. On a sports game

b. At the poker table

c. With a scratch-off lottery ticket

8 If he had a break, which of these classic adventure movies would he watch?

a. Indiana Jones

b. Star Wars

c. Back to the Future

9 If he were in the mood for a leisurely drive, where would he head?

a. Down a country road

b. Around town

c. To the mall

10 If he came into a large inheritance, he would most likely:

a. Put it in the bank.

b. Invest in a low-risk stock.

c. Spend a chunk on “toys.”

Analysis

MOSTLY A’S

HE’S AFRAID TO SET GOALS.

Psychologists call your man “risk aversive”—meaning he’s most comfortable when he can see exactly what’s on the road ahead of him. Unfortunately, even though this means he’s pretty easy going, he’s also usually standing still—or not going very far. It affects his ability to set goals in your relationship as well as in other areas of his life. This may create a conflict for you since you’re more of a high-achiever and tend to set goals for yourself. What can you do to help him let go a little more?

ADVICE

• The next time an opportunity presents itself and he’s afraid to go for it, tell him to ask himself: What’s the worst thing that could happen if it doesn’t work out? To be involved in a relationship—or to set any goals—you have to accept that nothing in life is certain.

• Teach him to breathe. Risk-aversive types are usually tense. Next time he’s faced with a challenge tell him to take ten deep breaths.

• Be open to talking it over. He may see the world differently than you do, but he’s a good listener. Try to stay calm while trying to discuss how you see your future with him.

MOSTLY B’S

HIS GOALS ARE PRACTICAL.

Your man always looks before he leaps. Ahead of any kind of decision, whether it’s financial or romantic, he weighs the pros and cons carefully. That’s usually the sign of someone who has his priorities in order, isn’t a huge risk taker, and can be trusted to toe the line and remain a true-blue partner and trusted ally. But sometimes thinking for too long or being too careful means he misses the boat on life’s golden opportunities. Remember the adage: “He who hesitates is lost.” You can help him be more adventuresome (like you) by:

ADVICE

• Encouraging him to trust his instincts! Research shows that with conscientious types like him, his hunches are right 90 percent of the time.

• Helping him take risks. Not the kind that jeopardize your relationship!

Think sky-diving or rollerblading.

• Assuring him that even if he makes a mistake—and takes a risk that doesn’t pay off—you’ll still stand by him.

MOSTLY C’S

HE SETS HIS GOALS HIGH.

Okay. Your man is fearless and this sense of “anything is possible” has led to some terrific twists of fate. But you probably also want to be sure that he’ll always be there for you and is willing to make compromises if you don’t exactly agree with the way he sees the world. To do this:

ADVICE

• Suggest he sleep on it before making any major changes.

• Ask him to talk over decisions with those who will be affected by them— that means you!

• Encourage him to follow his dreams—but make sure he also creates a Plan B.