Chapter Three:
Know Your Relationship
What’s Your C.Q.— Compatibility Quotient?
“When people say, ‘We’re incompatible,’ that usually means, ‘We don’t get along very well,’” says Ted Huston, PhD, psychology professor at the University of Texas who runs the PAIR project—a longitudinal study of married couples. “People overemphasize the effect of personality or values and they underemphasize the extent to which easy, congenial temperaments aid relationships.” Yet, few would argue that most of us want someone who is not only great in bed, but can share our laughter, be our best friend, and who will keep our secrets, love our families, and enjoy the same adventures. In other words, we want to mesh with our man and yes, be compatible. But it’s not as simple as it sounds. Compatibility doesn’t necessarily hinge completely on a personal inventory of traits. Nor is it something you automatically have. It’s something you make. It’s a process—one that you negotiate as you go along, again and again. It’s a disposition, an attitude, a willingness to work. Take this compatibility test and discover where you are at as a couple and what you can do to grow together.
1 Are you on the same sleep and wake-up schedules?
Yes No
2 Do you like the same kinds of music?
Yes No
3 Do you choose to relax in the same way?
Yes No
4 Would you both enjoy the same television shows/movies?
Yes No
5 When it comes to money, are you both on the same save or spend page?
Yes No
6 Do you like each other’s families?
Yes No
7 When decorating a room, do you share the same taste?
Yes No
8 Do you like the way he smells?
Yes No
9 Are you into his sense of style?
Yes No
10 Do you argue in the same way?
Yes No
11 Do you think he respects you?
Yes No
12 Do you respect him?
Yes No
13 Would you share a dark secret with him?
Yes No
14 Has he opened up and shared something deep with you?
Yes No
15 Do you both want (or not want) children?
Yes No
16 Would you choose to go on the same kind of vacation?
Yes No
17 Do you like each other’s friends?
Yes No
18 Do you like each other’s fashion flavor?
Yes No
19 Do you enjoy the same kinds of physical activities?
Yes No
20 Would you rather make love to him than anyone else?
Yes No
21 Do you share the same political perspective?
Yes No
22 Do you view religion in a similar way?
Yes No
23 Are your life goals compatible?
Yes No
24 Can you trust him to do the right thing?
Yes No
25 Do you find the same kinds of jokes funny?
Yes No
Analysis
BETWEEN 18 AND 25 YESES
YOU’RE TOTALLY COMPATIBLE.
You scored extremely high on the compatibility scale because you not only read your guy like a book—you’re on the same page. When he speaks you can finish his sentence because you’re thinking the same thought. You almost anticipate his needs, wants, hopes, and dreams because they’re yours, too. More importantly, you let your man know you don’t want to make him into somebody else—you accept and love him 100 percent exactly for who he is. For obvious reasons, it’s easy to do. Think about a mirror. Yes, you’re his reflection—and he’s yours! So, what could possibly improve your relationship? The simple truth is that sometimes when everything goes along like salt through a shaker, the relationship gets boring. Spice it up by:
ADVICE
• Forgetting about the bed. Use the kitchen counter, the dining room table, the top of the dryer, or a blanket on the floor.
• Surprising him in the shower. You’ll save the planet and time if you add shampooing to the event.
• Sharing a fantasy. Not only is curiosity sexy, it also has the power to shift your relationship.
BETWEEN 10 AND 17 YESES
YOU ’VE GOT GREAT INSTINCTS.
Okay, so you may not match every single criterion in the compatibility test and thus, you may not read him perfectly all of the time, but since you follow your instincts about how to handle situations (even the sticky ones) in your relationship, you’re usually on target. What’s more, even though you don’t have a particular strategy, you can intuit when to back down and when to stand your ground. In fact, you possess the most important skill when it comes to compatibility: compromise! Plus, you can always sense when he needs a hug—or some quiet time by himself. Most of the time, your love feels absolutely right. However, when it’s a little edgy:
ADVICE
• Ask what’s going on. During those rare times when you don’t have a clue, be direct. Research into happy relationships shows that communication is more important than compatibility.
• Take a break. Since you’re both hard workers, even a day trip to the country is likely to allow more time and space to exchange thoughts.
• Make a list of all your assumptions. Then check it out with him. You might be surprised at where you’re off base.
9 OR FEWER YESES
YOU FOLLOW YOUR OWN HEART.
Does it really matter if you’re compatible if you’re madly in love? Well, yes and no. A real romantic, you’re a sentimental and loving soul who may not share her guy’s views but always gives 100 percent in trying to make him happy. Sound familiar? Well, this works for a while, but it could lead to resentment. Being a martyr isn’t a healthy way to sustain a relationship. Plus, as a full-fledged nurturer who makes her man’s interests a priority, you rarely see his shortcomings. To you, he’s the same handsome, charming prince as the day you first met. And because of your sweet nature and abundance of affection and compassion—he treasures you as much. This is a form of compatibility, but to ensure that your relationship will continue on its golden path:
ADVICE
• Be sure to speak up when you’re not happy with something.
• Take risks. Sometimes life requires a small “leap of faith.” You’ll feel good that you took some risks, even if they don’t always work out as well as you hope. At least you can say you tried!
• Set personal goals. Decide what YOU would like to accomplish, set a schedule, and reward yourself in order to get you there.
