Sure, we want to be loved. “But if you end up sacrificing your own happiness for everyone else’s it can ultimately take a toll on your self-esteem and sense of well-being,” says psychologist Diana Kirschner, PhD, author of Opening Love’s Door: The Seven Lessons. Take this test to see if it’s in your nature to try too hard to please others—especially your partner—and then get tips on how to boost your personal resolve so you can put yourself first.
1 If you were at a dinner party and found yourself disagreeing with your host’s views, you would probably:
a. Still stress your point of view.
b. Keep the conversation pleasant, even if it means conceding.
c. Politely smile and nod.
2 If the person ahead of you on the supermarket express aisle had more than the items allotted, would you:
a. Suggest she move to a regular line.
b. Point it out, but let her proceed.
c. Either go to another line or say nothing.
3 If your boyfriend asked whether you liked the shirt he was wearing . . . and really, you didn’t, would you probably:
a. Tell him the honest truth so he wouldn’t wear it again.
b. Sugarcoat your opinion by stressing the positive.
c. Tell a white lie and say, “You look great!”
4 When you’re out with buddies for lunch, you usually offer to:
a. Pay your portion.
b. Split the bill evenly.
c. Either pick up the entire tab or pay the full tip in addition to your portion.
5 If your partner says something that’s hurtful, are you most likely to:
a. Tell him he hurt your feelings.
b. Offer a cold shoulder until your feelings heal.
c. Simply hope it doesn’t happen again.
6 Who are you most likely to impulse buy a gift for?
a. Yourself
b. Sometimes yourself, but more often your partner
c. Always him
7 When talking to people in positions of authority, you feel nervous:
a. Almost never.
b. Sometimes.
c. Often.
8 If during a staff meeting, a colleague presents one of your ideas as his or her own, would you most likely:
a. Express your displeasure immediately—and take the credit you deserve.
b. Say nothing in front of the group, but point out your resentment privately.
c. Tell her you’re flattered she likes your idea.
9 On an average day, you apologize to your guy:
a. Once or twice, if at all.
b. About five times.
c. Between six and a dozen or more times.
10 When it comes to making love, would you describe yourself as:
a. The initiator.
b. The mentor.
c. The follower.
11 If you were served cold soup or coffee at a restaurant, you would be most likely to:
a. Send it back.
b. Leave it untouched.
c. Drink it anyway.
12 Pride is . . .
a. An important quality to possess.
b. Something you try not to cultivate.
c. A personality flaw.
13 When an argument with your lover is over, how often do you replay the situation in your head, thinking of all the things you could have said?
a. Almost never
b. Sometimes
c. Often
Analysis
MOSTLY A’S
YOU STICK TO YOUR GUNS.
Supremely self-confident, you’re able to express your honest feelings and assert your beliefs even if someone disagrees. “Research confirms people aren’t born with this kind of inner strength—it’s learned,” says Kirschner. “You were raised in a nurturing home with respect for your abilities and plenty of opportunities to take charge.” Your gung-ho independence is admirable, but in relationships compromise is not only appropriate—it’s imperative. To nurture a more flexible strength:
ADVICE
• Use reflective listening. Research shows if you listen carefully not only to what is being said, but also to what is meant—without thinking of your response—you’ll be twice as likely to come to a compromise.
• Take a yoga, stretch, or dance class. Studies of the mind-body connection point to a correlation between physical and mental flexibility.
• Ask yourself: “What’s the worst thing that can happen if I don’t get my way?” Fiercely independent types often feel they have to control their partners because they’re sure what’s right. Give yourself the opportunity to explore other possibilities and consider you might not always be right.
MOSTLY B’S
YOU KNOW HOW TO JUGGLE EVERYONE’S NEEDS.
As a truly compassionate soul, you can slip easily into another’s shoes. That’s why your goal is to create a “win-win” outcome for your loved ones. “Folks in this category concentrate so intensely on fairness—weighing pros and cons of every issue,” says Kirschner, “they often end up skewing a decision just so their mate’s needs are met—even if it’s not the best or right way to go.” When you need to take a strong position:
ADVICE
• Go with your gut reaction. Kirschner says, “Women in this category are often run by their intellect.” When you have an inspiration or intuitive spark—go for it!
• Laugh more. Release yourself from the pressure of being absolutely fair by keeping a sense of humor about it. Remind yourself: “I’m not Judge Judy!”
• Visualize saying no in front of a mirror . . . and stand tall! Research shows just by practicing assertiveness and resolve, you’ll gain the confidence to take a stand without feelings of guilt or remorse.
MOSTLY C’S
YOU ALWAYS PUT HIM FIRST (AND OF TEN FORGET YOU RSELF!).
Deep down you want nothing more than to be loved and cherished. “Our studies show people who have this strong drive for approval and love,” says Kirschner, “won very little acceptance as children—and now want to make up for lost time.” But when you give up on your own desires or say yes when you want to say no there’s a good chance resentment, anger, or depression will build up. Remember the old adage, “To thine own self be true.” It’s the only way to be truly happy. To practice putting yourself first:
ADVICE
• Take tiny steps; say no to small requests first. For example, say: “I can’t get you water now. I’ll get it in a few minutes, or you can get it yourself.”
• Practice loving and giving to yourself. When you have the urge to buy a gift for your boyfriend—get one for yourself instead! Or be sure to be make time for relaxation and pampering. You deserve it.
• Keep a photo of yourself as a baby in view. Studies show this simple technique will help you focus on protecting and loving your innocent, beautiful self.
