Are Your Problems Too Big to Ignore?

Of course, it’s only human to get irritated. According to a Hofstra University study, most of us report feeling some degree of pique at least a few times a week—and when it’s focused and directed it can be positive. “Healthy rancor can mobilize you to take action, set limits to the demands others make, think about why something matters so much, or defend yourself if attacked,” says Tony Hope, MD, a psychiatrist, professor of medical ethics, and author of Managing Your Mind: The Mental Fitness Guide. But he also cautions, “It can blind you to other ways of seeing things, understanding what’s really important, sharing responsibility, and finding peaceful options to dealing with real or imagined difficulties.” Plus, it can blur the line between small, inconsequential annoyances, and big problems that shouldn’t be ignored. This test will help you discover which kinds of difficulties your relationship is really maneuvering around—and offer advice on what you can do about it.

1 When you’re having difficulty solving a problem—whether it’s paying your taxes or finding your keys, he:

a. Offers his help.

b. Ignores your sighs.

c. Accused you of being a scatterbrain—or worse.

2 When shopping together for a big-ticket, or even a small item, the decisions are:

a. Left up to you.

b. An exercise in compromise.

c. Ultimately, his choice,

3 If you’re feeling dissed, you:

a. Say so right away.

b. Eventually share your feelings.

c. Keep it to yourself.

4 How often would you say the two of you argue?

a. Rarely

b. Once or twice a week

c. Constantly—at least a few times each day

5 How does he express his anger?

a. By talking it over

b. By getting all sullen

c. By ranting and raving—sometimes throwing things or threatening you

6 Do you trust him to stay true blue?

a. Absolutely

b. As much as you can trust any man

c. Not at all. His history proves he’s a player.

7 How often do you have sex?

a. At least three or four times a week

b. Once or twice a week

c. Pretty sporadically

8 And when you do make love, how sensitive would you say he is to your satisfaction?

a. Very, very, very!!!

b. A fair amount

c. Not nearly enough

9 How often do you contact each other during the day when you’re apart?

a. A few times

b. At least once

c. Rarely

10 If you had a burning secret, would you share it with him?

a. Of course

b. Probably

c. I doubt it

11 If he came into an inheritance, he would probably:

a. Ask you how you think it should be managed.

b. Buy you a lovely present and save a chunk.

c. Blow it on stuff for him.

12 When it comes to tidiness, his habits:

a. Fit in perfectly with your own.

b. Conflict a little with yours.

c. He’s Oscar to your Felix or vice versa.

Analysis

MOSTLY A’S

THERE ARE NO INSURMOUNTABLE ISUES.

Nothing is perfect in life and, of course, you’ll occasionally argue over the big stuff—and the small stuff, too. But that’s okay because the fundamental foundation of your relationship is solid. Your differences aren’t gaping divides, and you come together more often than you drift apart. You share values and see the world the same way—and there’s an undercurrent of mutual respect, which gives the fabric of your relationship flexibility and strength. When there’s a problem, each of you knows how to discuss it like adults—keeping an open mind and holding back judgment. Your views on money run along similar lines. And when it comes to sex, he’s there to please, as are you. This give and take is exactly what a healthy relationship possesses. No matter what issues arise, they’ll easily be overcome. Here’s the only real sticky point: sometimes you just don’t feel like sharing all your problems with him. That’s okay. But don’t keep it to yourself. Instead:

ADVICE

• Open up to a true friend. Talk it over with someone who has your best interests in mind. Be sure your confidant is both supportive and honest.

Why This Works :

Women tend to ruminate, and then they end up either rationalizing their anger or blaming themselves for the outburst. “By sharing your story with a friend who really knows who you are, she can enable you to gain perspective, see the situation from a different angle, and help you to accept your emotions,” says Eve A. Wood, MD, author of 10 Steps to Take Charge of Your Emotional Life. “Also, by giving voice to your story, the emotional charge behind it gets diluted.” Even better, a good friend can suggest ways you might handle the conflict differently.

MOSTLY B’S

YOU RELATIONSHIP MAY BE A LITTLE TOO BLASé.

Where’s the fire? Each of you is playing the dance of avoidance rather than dealing with problems that may or may not be important. Sometimes it’s risky to take a stand, or dig around in the muck, or search for the truth, but in order for a relationship to stay vibrant and alive, you need to take chances—put your issues out there. A middle-of-the-road attitude keeps you both at a sort of way station. There is such a thing as too much compromise and that’s what’s going on here. It may be an indication that you’re not willing to move onto the next level of commitment. Here’s what you can do:

ADVICE

• Dare to admit how you’re really feeling. Simply say the words “I’m feeling angry.”

WHY THIS WORKS:

Anger needs to be named and acknowledged before you can move through it. “If it isn’t identified, you’re more likely to stuff the feeling, giving it the chance to evolve into another emotion such as frustration, stress, or sadness. Or you might numb the feeling with a self-defeating action like overeating,” cautions Martha Straus, PhD, author of Adolescent Girls in Crisis: Intervention and Hope. “Naming it is the first step to releasing (not unleashing) your rancor.”

MOSTLY C’S

THE RELATIONSHIP STILL HAS LOTS OF PASSION BUT . . .

It’s been channeled into anger and resentment. The result is too much fighting and not enough fun. The bigger underlying problem is stress. This issue could be handled if you both came together like a team. But that’s not the dynamic. Instead of standing up for what you believe in, you’ve let him bully you. Your reaction is to keep your resentment to yourself—and it builds up. The likelihood that eventually one of you is going to look for a more intimate relationship with less stress is pretty high. But like most problems, it can be solved.

ADVICE

• Let go of resentment. This doesn’t mean believing what the other person did was right or justified; it means you stop wasting your energy staying mad and understand all the disadvantages of doing so. If an apology is offered, accept it and avoid dwelling on the wrong that was done.

WHY THIS WORKS:

The urge to let bygones be bygones is shared by most all of us, but few of us actually know how to forgive. “As long as we hold on to a grudge, we can never forgive others, and our lack of forgiveness hurts no one but ourselves,” explains Thubten Chodron, Buddhist teacher and spiritual advisor. But absolution isn’t easy; it takes time and intention. It also means changing the way we think. The reward, however, is undeniable. “As soon as you understand your reaction is your own responsibility,” says Thubten Chodren, “you’re no longer handing your power over to anyone else—you’re the one in charge.”