Not too surprisingly, a poll by MarriageAdvice.com reveals couples mostly fight about sex and money. But scratch the surface and most relationship problems go deeper to what I call the Huge Five:
1) Dealing with unresolved issues from the past
2) Believing you’re misunderstood
3) Taking the relationship for granted
4) Cheating, jealousy, and other trust issues
5) Allowing arguments to escalate to dangerous ground
If any of these issues sound too familiar, don’t despair. The first step in fixing problems is identifying them. Once that’s accomplished, you can put solutions into practice.
PART ONE
1 Basically, you’re attracted to a certain kind of guy. He’s . . .
a. Just like the very first love of your life—in every way.
b. The quiet type.
c. An artist.
d. A player.
e. A risk-taker.
2 You’ve been spending time with a guy you like, and he tells you that he does not want a committed relationship. Do you think:
a. He may think that now, but he won’t be able to resist me for long.
b. Still waters run deep. He’s feeling it but he needs a little coaxing.
c. It doesn’t matter. I can devote myself to him on his terms.
d. Bring on the competition!
e. I’ll offer unforgettable nights of lovemaking so he won’t stray.
3 As a teenager, what kind of TV shows did you prefer to watch?
a. Family dramas
b. Sappy romance shows
c. Celebrity gossip
d. Hot soap operas
e. Adventure shows
4 … and now, when you read the Sunday newspaper, do you turn first to the:
a. Obituaries
b. Wedding announcements
c. Arts and culture section
d. Lifestyle pages
e. Current news
5 On the average, how long do you usually date someone?
a. More than five years
b. More than two years
c. More than a year
d. More than six months
c. Two months at most
6 You start a new job and you immediately fall for a guy in the office—who is already in a relationship. What do you do?
a. Flirt
b. Just fantasize
c. Wait for him to make the first move
d. Let it go
e. Go for it—and watch the cards fall where they may.
7 If you’re feeling a little down, you’ll put on something:
a. Cotton and get comfy.
b. Cashmere to feel luxurious.
c. Silk and satin because feeling sensuous will perk you up.
d. Lace and velvet for a sexy pick-me-up.
e. Anything denim to knock around the house in.
8 How do you feel about love?
a. It’s the greatest thing a person can have.
b. It’s all about communication.
c. It needs to be cultivated if you want it to last.
d. If you keep your heart open, it’s always available.
e. You’ve got to fight for it.
Analysis
MOSTLY A’S
YOUR BIG PROBLEM IS DEALING WITH UNRESOLVED ISUES FROM THE PAST.
Many people go from relationship to relationship without truly healing their hearts. They never discover what went wrong in their previous relationship and what they could have done differently. Of course, they keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again—yet expecting a different outcome. Ring a bell?
ADVICE
• Take the time to heal your broken heart and your attachment to being a victim—or whatever holds you to a previous relationship.
• Take responsibility for what happened.
• Forgive yourself and your previous partner.
• Make a to-do list of what you want to change in your life.
MOSTLY B’S
YOUR BIGGEST PROBLEM IS THAT YOU FEEL AS IF YOU’RE MISUNDERSTOOD.
It’s to be expected that being in an intimate relationship will inevitably bring up fears and challenges. These might include fears of not being good enough, attractive enough, or feeling that your partner doesn’t know the real you. If your fears are not expressed, looked at, and healed, they will interfere with the health of your relationship.
ADVICE
• Notice when fears surface, and instead of looking outward and blaming your partner, consider whether it’s your issue.
• Ask yourself if you’re really being neglected or are you just making stories up in your head.
• If you feel strongly that you’re not being understood, set aside a specific time to talk to your lover about your concerns. Practice in front of a mirror first so that you feel comfortable expressing your true feelings.
• If talking about it is too tough, write a letter explaining your concerns. Avoid blaming him. After all, if you’re feeling misunderstood it may be because you haven’t been honest about who you are and what you expect and need from the relationship.
MOSTLY C’S
YOUR BIGGEST PROBLEM IS THAT YOU TAKE THE RELATIONSHIP FOR GRANTED.
We’re working longer hours (or freaked out about losing our jobs), multitasking to the max, and generally spending less time with our partners than ever before. When we’re tired, communication is cut down to the bare essentials with conversations like “What time will you be back?” as you cross paths in the kitchen. In the past, couples would stay up half the night fighting and probably solve the argument; today they are too aware of that early meeting to want to waste precious sleep time. Instead we complain that our partner never listens.
ADVICE
• Set aside “sacred time” that belongs to just the two of you. For example, make Thursday night your date night. Even if you can’t go out, spend the time talking, listening to music, or making love. FYI: Many couples in therapy find they benefit most from the concentrated, quality time they spend together, rather than the counseling.
• Don’t make assumptions, but check out your hunches. If you think you know what’s going on in your partner’s mind and heart, there’s a good chance you’re at least slightly off base. Ask questions and really listen.
• Write a love letter. Tell him all the reason you love him.
• Rekindle your initial feelings of attraction by remembering what it was like the day you knew he was the one for you.
MOSTLY D’S
YOUR BIGGEST PROBLEM IS ALL ABOUT TRUST.
Occasional jealousy is natural and can help keep a relationship lively, but if it becomes intense and irrational it can put a dangerous strain on the relationship. Your partner ends up feeling as though he’s constantly walking on eggshells to avoid a jealous reaction. The jealous partner, often aware of their problem, swings between self-blame and justification. If your partner is in fact cheating you should seriously consider ending the relationship. But if it’s really your trust issue, you need to work on it.
ADVICE
• Give yourself a reality check—take a good look at those things that trigger your jealousy and ask yourself how realistic the threat is. What evidence do you have that your relationship is in danger? And is your behavior actually making the situation worse?
• Use positive self-talk—when you start feeling the twinges of jealousy, remind yourself that your partner loves you, is committed to you, and respects you. Tell yourself you’re a loveable person and that nothing’s going on.
• Seek reassurance—one of the best ways to beat jealousy is to ask your partner for reassurance. Make sure you don’t nag or bully, but rather share your insecurities and ask him to help you overcome the problem.
MOSTLY E’S
YOUR BIGGEST PROBLEM IS ALLOWING ARGUMENTS TO ESCALATE.
One of the most common mistakes people in a relationship make is to create absolute right or wrong scenarios. As soon as critical words are said, defenses and walls go up and suddenly that person (who you love and who loves you) becomes an “enemy.” When arguments start getting out of hand, become accusatory, and escalate to blaming and name-calling, serious damage is done. Words can heal, but they can also be brutally destructive.
ADVICE
• Before you jump into blaming and judging your partner, stop and take a moment to breathe. Ask yourself if making your partner wrong will drive you further apart or move you closer toward healing.
• Try to understand the dynamics of what’s going on between the two of you.
Hear the full story before deciding he’s wrong.
• Don’t name-call. Once you’ve said something it’s tough to take it back.
• If an apology is offered, work toward forgiveness rather than instantly dismissing it. If you’ve made a mistake, offer an apology.
