In most relationships someone takes the lead, and the other follows. But when a couple is in sync they come to a natural give-and-take; they’re able to switch roles depending on the circumstances. It’s not so easy when it comes to fighting. All couples argue, but different personality types approach conflict in different ways. By knowing who takes the lead, you can learn to deal with conflict in a positive way and develop a stronger relationship with your partner.
1 When you’re arguing you tend to:
a. Throw out a zinger and then retreat.
b. Continue with a steady insistence.
c. Sulk.
2 Imagine you’ve done something that really annoys your guy. He will most likely:
a. Not say anything until days later.
b. Give you the cold shoulder.
c. Let you know.
3 If he were late for dinner, would you:
a. Stomp out of the kitchen. Let him fend for himself!
b. Let your displeasure be known—through every course.
c. Ask what happened.
4 When you’re arguing, who holds the strongest eye contact?
a. I do.
b. He does.
c. We both do!
5 Who has the louder voice?
a. I do.
b. He does.
c. We’re pretty well matched.
6 If you broke a promise, your partner would most likely:
a. Bring it up again and again.
b. Be pissed in the moment—but then let it go.
c. Be angry and disappointed but hear out your reasoning.
7 Who usually initiates the make-up after an argument?
a. He does.
b. I do.
c. It depends on who was wrong.
8 Who is more sarcastic?
a. I am.
b. He is.
c. Neither of us. It’s not our style.
9 What do you focus on most when you’re fighting?
a. Getting your point across
b. Staying calm
c. Resolving the disagreement quickly and fairly
10 As a couple, which of these statements is most true?
a. Fighting is the biggest way we communicate.
b. Fighting is unpleasant for me. I think my partner is more into it.
c. Fighting is an inevitable part of any relationship—but I’d prefer it if we didn’t do it.
11 When you were growing up, who had a worse temper?
a. Mom
b. Dad
c. Neither had a bad temper
12 Does your partner belittle your opinions?
a. Rarely
b. Often
c. Almost never
13 If your partner did something really stupid in front of another couple, you would:
a. Call him on it right then and there. It’s just too bad if he’s embarrassed.
b. Shoot him a dirty look.
c. Bring it up as soon as you’re alone with him.
Analysis
MOSTLY A’S
YOU’RE THE INSTIGATOR.
For some people, the inability to get along with others is a sign of a deeper emotional or personality issue. However, since you’re generally an easy-going person who gets along with people, and usually has a good relationship with the man you’re with, your style of losing your temper, instigating arguments, and resenting yourself for making reasonable compromises are some of the ways you have learned to cope with the stress of emotional closeness. You probably acquired this pattern while growing up, observing other people (possibly your parents and older siblings) mishandle stress and disagreements.
The good news is that you can change. The first step is recognizing your issue. The next one is changing the way you approach disagreements.
ADVICE
• Stay on point. Friendly fighting sticks with the issue. Neither party resorts to name-calling or character assassination. It’s enough to deal with the problem without adding the new setback of hurting each other’s feelings.
• Keep your voice down. The louder someone yells, the less likely they are to be heard. Even if your partner yells, there’s no need to yell back. Taking the volume down makes it possible for people to start focusing on the issues instead of reacting to the noise.
• Soften your defenses. Defending yourself, whether by vehemently protesting your innocence and rightness or by turning the tables and attacking, escalates the fight. Instead of upping the ante, ask for more information, details, and examples. There is usually some basis for the other person’s complaint. When you meet a complaint with curiosity, you make room for understanding.
MOSTLY B’S
HE’S THE INSTIGATOR.
Ongoing anger in a relationship is shown in two main ways. 1) Your partner seems to be permanently annoyed and simmers quietly but constantly, and 2) Your partner erupts and explodes with anger at the slightest thing. Violence or threats of violence are never all right in a relationship. If arguments are always aggressive, or you avoid conflict because you’re scared of things getting out of control, then you should seek help at once. However your partner expresses their anger, the following tips will help you to minimize its destructive effect on you and your relationship.
ADVICE
• Acknowledge your partner’s feelings. Openly saying, “I can see you’re angry,” and if appropriate, “I understand what you’re angry about,” will prevent your partner from believing they have to prove how they feel.
• Show you’re listening. People often continue to be angry because they don’t think they’re being listened to or taken seriously. Prevent this by giving eye contact, nodding and repeating significant words, and summarizing what’s been said.
• Share your feelings and fears. If you’re feeling angry, too, then say so. If you’re feeling nervous or upset by their anger, then share that also.
MOSTLY C’S
YOU’RE IN THIS TOGETHER.
No two people in the world will ever agree about everything at all times. (It would be boring if they did.) So couples do need to know how to negotiate differences and make room for constructive criticism. They also need a way to assert opinions, disagree, and have a healthy way to express intense feelings. A good relationship requires knowing the skills necessary for “friendly fighting”—dealing with conflict respectfully and working together to find a workable solution. Friendly fighting means working out differences that matter. It means engaging passionately about things we feel strongly about, without resorting to hurting each other. It helps us let off steam without getting burned. Friendly fighting lets us “fight” and still stay friends. Here’s how to do it:
ADVICE
• Embrace conflict. There is no need to fear it. Conflict is normal, even healthy. Differences between you mean that there are things you can learn from each other.
• Find points of agreement. Almost always there are parts of a conflict that can be points of agreement. Finding common ground, even if it’s agreeing that there is a problem, is an important start to finding a common solution.
• Make concessions. Small concessions can turn the situation around. If you give a little, it makes room for the other person to make concessions, too. Small concessions lead to larger compromises. Compromise doesn’t have to mean that you’re meeting each other exactly 50–50. Sometimes it’s a 60–40 or even an 80–20 agreement. This isn’t about scorekeeping. It’s about finding a solution that is workable for both of you.