Where do you stand on the G.S.— Grudge Scale?
On some level it has to feel good to hold a grudge. If it didn’t, why would so many couples cling to theirs? But here’s a reality check: although we may get fleeting satisfaction from staying pissed off, acting passive-aggressively, or holding fast and furiously to a grudge, it has long-lasting toxic effects on our relationship. If you are unable to let go of a grudge, you can spend years feeling emotionally bitter and resentful. You can even get physically sick! Studies show anger increases heart rate, elevates blood pressure, and makes you depressed. To set a grudge free, you first have to see it—and then figure out the strategy that will work best for you and your relationship. Dr. Katherine Piderman, the staff chaplain at the famed Mayo Clinic, says, “Letting go of a grudge doesn’t mean you’re condoning a hurtful action, or excusing bad behavior; it means you’re moving on so that you can put emotional control back in your own hands.” This will heal your heart. Take the first step with this quiz and find out where you land on the grudge scale.
1 I share my deepest worries, thoughts, and emotions with my partner and believe he is attentive and understanding.
a. Often b. Sometimes c. Rarely
2 When my partner is talking to me about his problems, I’m open to what he is saying and won’t form a judgment or interrupt him in order to share my viewpoint.
a. Often b. Sometimes c. Rarely
3 If I’m freaking out about something (raising my voice, making threats, getting hysterical), I realize it pretty quickly, offer an apology, and try to dampen my reaction.
a. Often b. Sometimes c. Rarely
4 If my partner says something that hurts me, as soon as he’s done speaking I let him know how I’m feeling and why.
a. Often b. Sometimes c. Rarely
5 I’d rather ask questions about how my partner is feeling than assume I know what’s going on.
a. Often b. Sometimes c. Rarely
6 Also, I try to ask them in an open-ended way without any preconceptions.
a. Often b. Sometimes c. Rarely
7 If it was a matter of keeping the peace, I would opt to find a compromise rather than coerce my partner into conceding. Winning isn’t my goal.
a. Often b. Sometimes c. Rarely
8 Besides my partner, I share my honest beliefs, thoughts, and fears with close friends.
a. Often b. Sometimes c. Rarely
9 If a trusted friend gave me advice about my relationship problems, I’d take his or her perspective seriously.
a. Often b. Sometimes c. Rarely
10 Rather than ruminate or feel resentful, if my partner isn’t doing his share around the house or holding up his other responsibilities, I let him know.
a. Often b. Sometimes c. Rarely
11 Our relationship has plenty of carefree, loving moments.
a. Often b. Sometimes c. Rarely
12 I know the sore points that will get my partner going. If it isn’t crucial to solving a problem, I try to avoid them.
a. Often b. Sometimes c. Rarely
13 I believe my partner can be trusted.
a. Often b. Sometimes c. Rarely
14 Whenever I’m authentically feeling gratitude toward my partner and our relationship, I express it—no holds barred.
a. Often b. Sometimes c. Rarely
15 Truthfully, I see a long and happy future together.
a. Often b. Sometimes c. Rarely
Analysis
MOSTLY A’S
YOU’RE PRACTICALLY GRUDGE-FREE!
You scored exceptionally low on the G.S. and have a natural, almost reflexive ability to forgive transgressions and move on. In fact, when faced with injustice, you’re more likely to feel sorrow than anger. But be careful: You’re so trusting and quick to look at the upside that you’re sometimes blind to your partner’s faults. What’s the problem? Well, it could mean you’re avoiding dealing with an issue that needs work. On the other hand, a nature as truly forgiving as yours saves you from stress created by frustration and resentment. If you place a little caution alongside your compassion, you’re likely to live a joyful life together. Here are tips to keep you in balance.
ADVICE
• Don’t forgive until you are really ready. You don’t want to be sweeping your feelings under a rug of hidden resentment.
• Ask for an apology. Although it’s not a good idea to focus on righting the wrong by getting an apology, it’s certainly okay to ask for one.
• Talk to someone. If your partner has done you wrong, discuss it with a trusted friend and get his or her viewpoint. Sometimes your forgiving nature can be a little over the top.
MOSTLY B’S
YOU’RE REASONABLE.
Your score on the G.S. shows that you have a balanced approach to anger and tend to step back and look at the bigger picture rather than get bogged down in tiny slights. You rarely take offense at your partner’s minor transgressions and, more often than not, let bygones be bygones. Resentment is just not a feeling you frequently experience. However, since you’re not a saint, some things do get under your skin. You’re a stickler for honesty and find it easier to forgive your partner when he comes clean than when he denies or tries to cover up his mistakes. But good riddance to the guy who dares to cheat on you!
Otherwise, in most matters of the heart, your motto is “To err is human.”
ADVICE
• Write down your thoughts. Think about what upsets you and how you feel about it. Writing can keep your perspective in focus.
• Consider possible motives. Often our partners say and do things in fits of anger (or another intense emotion) and later regret it. If the offense is forgivable—forgive and try to forget.
• Revisit the honesty thing. Sometimes our partners lie out of embarrassment or a lack of self-confidence. Try to investigate his motive before racing to a conclusion.
MOSTLY C’S
YOU’RE A GRUDGE-AHOLIC.
When you feel wronged, you’re merciless. In fact, no matter how sincerely your partner offers an apology, you’re apt to ignore his gesture. Sometimes (depending on the seriousness of the offense), you may take it a step further and resolve to get even. This is a lose-lose situation because grudge holding makes you miserable and sucks the energy out of your life. But don’t get all down on yourself. There may be a reason for your hard heart; as a child you were probably given the same sour treatment. Now, as an adult, you cherish a grudge as if it were a valuable gem. Forgiveness is the balm that heals old wounds. Now is the time to open your heart and let the diamond shine. Here are some ways you can learn to let go of what has a nasty hold on you:
ADVICE
• Remind yourself that letting go of a grudge does not mean you stuff your feelings away. It means changing how you think about the situation. You can’t change what happened, but you can change your attitude and interpretation of events.
• Don’t focus on righting the wrong—or getting revenge. Although this is a common reaction of grudge-holders, it’s a destructive pattern. Instead, practice releasing your anger through exercise, talk therapy, or deep breathing and meditation.
• Remind yourself that you’re not perfect. How many times have you made a mistake?