Is Your Relationship Worth Saving?
When a relationship gets rocky, it’s tough to figure out whether salvaging it is worth the heartache, effort, or time. It often feels overwhelming. Many couples are afraid of letting go out of fear of loneliness, but on the other hand they are unwilling to put in the necessary work to make crucial changes. They can be stuck in a pattern that has no end. It takes serious soul-searching to honestly explore whether your relationship is worth saving. This test asks the hard questions and will hopefully lead to other thoughtful ones. After tallying your score, sit with the analysis for a while. Go back over your answers to find the biggest problems. Then decide if you want to try to work it out. In some cases, it might mean fighting to save your relationship against all odds.
If that’s the case, ask yourself what you have to lose—and what can be gained.
1 Do you get along better when you’re apart?
a. Yes
b. Sometimes
c. No
2 Your partner tells you he’s working late. You:
a. Think he’s lying.
b. Believe he might be lying
c. Trust him.
3 Would you say you still like your partner as a friend?
a. No
b. Sometimes
c. Yes
4 You’re both at a restaurant with a group of friends. He says something insulting to you. Your reaction?
a. You yell at him in front of the others.
b. You say nothing until you get home and then let him have it!
c. You ask him in a calm voice in front of everyone to apologize because he hurt your feelings.
5 Is sex still good?
a. No
b. Sometimes
c. Yes
6 Have either of you ever been physically or emotionally abusive with each other?
a. Yes
b. Once
c. Never
7 If you open up and tell your partner about a problem you’re having, he is likely to:
a. Continue whatever he’s doing.
b. Give you his standard answer.
c. Listen and offer sage advice.
8 Have either of you ever cheated?
a. Yes—more than once
b. Once
c. Never
9 Your partner suggests a weekend getaway. You:
a. Are revolted by the suggestion.
b. Think it may help to work stuff out.
c. Get excited about the idea.
10 Do you share a history of little white lies?
a. Yes
b. Well, just a few
c. No
11 If your partner was flirting with a good friend, you would most likely:
a. Pretend to ignore it. Really . . . who cares?
b. Tell them to knock it off.
c. Ask your partner about it later and let him know how weird it made you feel.
12 Do you still find him attractive?
a. No
b. Sometimes
c. Yes!
13 Do you get along with each other’s families?
a. No
b. Mostly
c. Yes
14 When you and your partner argue, you:
a. Both scream until your voices are hoarse.
b. Yell for a while but calm down. One of you apologizes eventually.
c. Take turns hearing the other one out.
15 Are you feeling bored with the relationship?
a. Yes
b. Sometimes
c. No
16 Do you fantasize about being with someone else?
a. Yes
b. Sometimes
c. No
17 Your partner has done something that deeply offends you.How long is it likely you’ll hold on to it—and throw it back in his face?
a. Forever!
b. Until the pain goes away.
c. About a week. I try to let it go.
18 Would you be willing to go to couples therapy to make changes in the way you treat each other?
a. No
b. Maybe for a brief time
c. Yes—for as long as it takes
19 Do you think it’s possible that your partner can really change?
a. No
b. Maybe
c. Yes
20 If your partner wasn’t feeling well, you would:
a. Get annoyed.
b. Ask him once what you can get for him.
c. Give him unlimited TLC.
21 Do you think if you broke up, you would get back together again?
a. No
b. Maybe
c. Probably
22 Is it true that one of the biggest reasons you’re still hanging on is because you’re afraid to be alone?
a. Yes
b. Maybe
c. No
23 Do your friends or family advise you to leave him?
a. Yes
b. On occasion
c. No
24 Do either of you have a drug or alcohol problem?
a. Yes
b. Not really
c. Definitely not
25 Would you be willing to try anything to save this relationship?
a. No
b. It depends
c. Yes
Analysis
MOSTLY A’S
YOUR RELATIONSHIP NEEDS A LOT OF WORK.
Here’s the bottom line: Does your relationship make you a better person? Or does it lead you to feel badly about yourself? Does it inspire you to make the most out of yourself? Or does it coerce you into doing things you would rather not do? In other words, is your relationship tapping into your higher self? Well, if you received this score, chances are the answer is no. And this is the essential point. A good relationship should compliment you—not suck the life out of you. It should offer you hope, and even more crucially, make you happy. If instead, your relationship is consistently making you miserable and yet there’s still a voice inside of you screaming out “But I love him! I love him!” then you need to dig deeper.
ADVICE
• Make two lists. Write down everything right about the relationship. On the other one, write down everything wrong. Which list is longer? Are there crucial areas where either of you consistently fall short? Is there a pattern? Do you think you can change your behavior? Do you think he can change his?
• Be honest and explore why you’re afraid to leave him. Ask yourself: “What’s the worst thing that could happen if we split up?” Allow yourself to envision what life would be like if he was no longer a part of it. Is your life better, or is it unbearable?
• Write a letter to yourself. Be kind and gentle. Tell yourself how much you love yourself. Explore the reasons why you deserve happiness. Discover your strengths and forgive your weaknesses. Acknowledge your past mistakes with understanding. Be sure to write about the future you envision.
MOSTLY B’S
YOUR RELATIONSHIP CAN USE SOME TWEAKING.
Your relationship may be going through a rough patch, but the basic foundation is sound. You’ve had hard times lately, and you’re feeling uneasy and maybe resentful. Still, by the looks of it, this relationship is worth saving. Just because you may hit a few bumps in the road and things might not always look so rosy doesn’t automatically mean that you can’t work it out. As long as you are realistic with yourself and your partner, you’ll be able to repair the damage. But it’s up to you. Begin by asking yourself whether you’re willing to invest energy into making it a better relationship. If you still look forward to spending time together, the answer is probably yes. From here, you’ll need to make a few adjustments.
ADVICE
• Schedule time to be a duo. Of course you’re both very busy and that’s part of the problem. It seems the only time you get together is for chores. Make sure you also have time to have fun and be carefree and romantic—at least once a week.
• Ask yourself: Is he my rock? Remind yourself that your partner has been with you through tough times, maybe the death of a loved one, a job loss, or your own illness. Can you still lean on him? If the answer is yes, consider him a keeper.
• Clear the air. Maybe your partner is harboring some ill will that hasn’t been expressed, or you’re resentful and it’s coming out in odd places. Time for a talk. But before you begin, set ground rules: no yelling or blaming. Set aside enough time, in a place where you won’t be disturbed, to really air grievances. Stay calm and listen to his side of the story. Ask for the same in return. When you’ve both shared your grievances, kiss and make up.
MOSTLY C’S
YOU’RE IN GREAT SHAPE.
Whether you’ve been together for years, or you’re a fairly new match, your love is very much alive and thriving. Sure, you have some down days, or some really boring ones, but who doesn’t? The point is, you can see yourself with this person for the rest of your life. You love the sound of his voice and the feel of his skin. You respect his point of view and know he feels the same way about you. Trust? You have it, but neither of you takes the other for granted. As partnerships go, yours is a darn good one. But there are a couple of things you can do to make it even better.
ADVICE
• Laugh together. Sharing a sense of humor makes the hard times more bearable.
• Share a hobby. It can be tennis, biking, dancing, hiking, camping—even antiques shopping for a stamp collection. The point is to spend relaxing time together. Studies show couples who share a hobby rank their relationship as happiest.
• Keep flirting. It’s the absolute best way to maintain your high-octane mutual attraction.