WITH TALLIE’S HELP, I’d spent so much of Razor’s money in a single day that I couldn’t even begin to fathom how I would pay him back. Particularly since he didn’t seem inclined to take me up on the only mode of payment I knew. I’d tried on multiple occasions over the past few days to initiate sex, only to have him suggest we talk or cuddle instead. Talking was bad enough, but cuddling? I hadn’t been prepared to go there. And now, if we were going to have any hope of convincing the world that we’d married for love, I was going to have to allow that very sort of intimacy.

After our shopping excursion, Tallie hung around with us for about an hour, resting with her feet up on the ottoman. After I took my purse to the guest room and Razor finished bringing in the rest of the bags, she regaled us with stories of the adventures she’d had at Babies “R” Us with her husband and his brother last week. They’d gone to purchase furnishings for the nursery and set up her baby registry. Apparently while they were there, Kade had tried to figure out how to use a breast pump, and Hunter had gotten lost in an aisle covered in pink and couldn’t seem to tear himself away, even though they’d settled on yellow and green for the baby’s room.

“We want to be surprised, so we’re making everything gender neutral.”

“Sounds like Hunter knows exactly what he wants the baby to be,” Razor said.

Tallie laughed. “He swears he’s fine with a boy or a girl, but I’m not sure I believe it.”

Razor eased closer to me on the sofa and draped his arm over my shoulders. I fought down the urge to slip away from him, willing my pulse to slow.

“Hey, Tallie, you’ve lived here a long time, right?” he asked, sparking my curiosity.

“Only my whole life.”

“Any chance you could recommend some good doctors for Tori? A general practitioner, maybe your OB-GYN…”

What was he trying to do? I scowled up at him. “I don’t need doctor.”

“Well, maybe you don’t right away, but it’d be a good idea to go ahead and get set up with someone,” he insisted.

“I love Dr. Rodriguez,” she gushed. “She’s my baby doctor. I’ve been seeing her since my teens, and she’s the best thing ever. And I see Dr. Oliver for everyday stuff. Oh, and if you ever need a good counselor, there’s a fantastic center on Harvard Avenue. We found them when I was trying to get some help for Hunter’s brother with his addiction and depression issues, and we liked them so much I started seeing a therapist there, too. You know, all my Mama issues,” she added at the end, looking at Razor and giving a wave of her hand. “It’s helped me tons. Not saying you need counseling, of course…”

Except she really was. And maybe I did need it, but the thought of talking to some stranger about all the fucked up things in my life was somehow even worse than the thought of telling Razor.

“Thanks,” he said. “We’ll check into them.”

Not if I had anything to say about it.

After that, Tallie pushed herself to her feet and said she needed to get home and make sure they hadn’t killed each other while she was gone…and to verify that her nursery was coming along the way they’d promised. Razor and I both got up to see her out.

“Oh, but you should come to the baby shower next week,” she said to me as she gathered her purse and phone.

I shook my head. “Baby shower?” I pretended I didn’t know what she was talking about, that maybe there was a cultural issue standing between me and comprehension. It was just an act, though…one I hoped would get me out of going to any sort of party she might be putting together, particularly one involving a bunch of other women. Buying new clothes and getting a pedicure wasn’t anywhere near enough to make me into the sort of woman who belonged at something like that. There was no makeover in the world that could change the fact that I’d spent the past few years having sex on film for money.

Tallie didn’t seem fazed by my ploy. “It’s a party. And you don’t even need to bring a gift or anything. I don’t care. I just want you to be there.” She smiled. “You could bring Razor, too. I’m sure Hunter could use some moral support, and even though I’ve begged and pleaded with Kade to be there, I don’t think it’s working.”

Razor squinted and scratched his head. “What day?”

“Thursday afternoon. At two. We’re having it at the house, keeping everything nice and easy.”

He shook his head. “I’ve got a meeting with… Um…”

“Mm-hmm.” Tallie rolled her eyes and turned back to me. “But you can come. It’ll be good for you. Some of my sorority sisters will be there, and a few of the other girls I used to do pageants with, and I think a handful of the other players’ wives are going to fly in even though it’s still summer. So you can make some more friends. It’ll be great.”

Great wasn’t a word I would associate with the kind of torture it sounded like.

But Razor nodded in encouragement, and I couldn’t come up with a good excuse to give for not going. “I’ll come,” I forced out.

She bounced up on her toes, grinning a mile wide. “Oh, good. And I’ll come steal you from Razor again soon. We can go to the mall even if we don’t buy anything. I just need to get out of the house and walk around some, you know?”

I nodded, and she headed out the front door, still talking a mile a minute. I waved as she climbed into her car and drove off.

Razor closed the door, brushing his arm against mine as he slipped into the empty space behind me. I shivered. Not from cold. From the electricity surging between us, despite the simplicity of his touch. With one finger hooking mine and the slightest hint of pressure, he compelled me to turn and face him.

I swallowed, fighting to regain control over my response to him.

There wasn’t enough distance between us. Not nearly enough. The heat of his body wrapped around me as surely as if he’d taken me into his arms, softening my bones and churning my muscles into butter.

“It’s nice to see you smile,” he said, lifting my hand by nothing more than my pinky finger up to his lips. He kissed my knuckles, then raised my hand higher and kissed the tender skin on the inside of my wrist.

My belly rippled with the gnawing ache of longing.

His eyes met mine. They held, steady and sure, trapping me. Uncovering me. I’d never felt more naked and vulnerable than I did right in that instant. Every raw, exposed nerve in my body was screaming for me to back away. To run. To find a way of breaking free from his clear blue gaze so I could protect what little remained of myself before he claimed it as his own.

But I couldn’t move a muscle.

And then he kissed me, and it was too late.

His lips glided across mine, the faint trace of his tongue a velvet-soft request for entry. I opened and almost sighed when his tongue met mine, stroking and tangling in an unhurried exploration.

The ache in my belly only grew, and the ripples turned to supercharged jolts that shot out to my limbs in devastating surges. He was making me want things I could never have. My fingers itched to sink into his back and draw him closer, to knot in his hair and drag him down to me. I burned to feel his hands on me, molding my breasts to fit his palms or digging his big hands into my ass cheeks and grinding into me.

If he would just take me, manhandle me, hard and fast and rough, then I could find a way to drift off. I could brace myself against the pain and, at the same time, make him think I was into it.

But as long as he kept up this slow seduction, I couldn’t escape to a safe space in my mind. Razor intended to undo me.

And with every day that passed, I grew more and more afraid that I would let him.

He broke away but didn’t move back, his lips hovering millimeters over my skin but not quite touching as he moved along the curve of my jaw.

“What are you doing?” I demanded when I could form words.

“Kissing my wife.”

My chest rose and fell like I’d just danced a pas de deux. “Why?” No one was around to see us. Putting on a display like this wouldn’t make any difference in whether I would be granted a green card if there weren’t witnesses. All it was doing was ripping away layer after layer of my defenses.

Razor let out a sigh and backed away, looking at me with the sort of expression my dance teachers had given me when I failed to properly perform the same move for what must be the thousandth time. “Because if we’re ever going to be able to convince the people around us that we’re desperately in love with each other, then we’re going to have to act like it all the time. Besides, would it be the end of the world if maybe we started to believe it ourselves?”

Yes. Because if I loved him, he could hurt me. Not just physically but deep down on the inside. If I loved him, the Tambovs could use him against me. They could take him from me, the same as they’d taken everyone and everything else from me. I couldn’t afford to love anyone, not ever again.

And there was no one left in this world who loved me. At least no one I would ever see again. Mama might still be alive, but only a fool would hold out hope for a reunion.

I said nothing. He didn’t want to hear the truth.

He backed up a step. I wanted to follow. I wanted to take what he’d started and push him toward its inevitable conclusion. Because if I couldn’t get him to fuck me—to really, truly fuck me and forget about his slow come-on—he would maintain the upper hand, and I’d never get any semblance of control over my life.

But then he said, “I asked Tallie about her doctors because I think we need to go to one. For you,” he added when I merely blinked at him.

“I don’t need doctor.”

“You do.”

I shook my head and made my way back toward the living room. No doctor could help me. All they would want to do is test for STDs and pregnancy, and stick things up in my pussy that would hurt as much as fucking only without the benefits of fucking. They’d pry into my past, and they’d tell me I just needed to relax. That I was clenching from stress. Maybe that I needed more lubrication. Like any of that had ever done a damn thing to stop the stinging, biting pain of having something ripping me to shreds over and over again.

I didn’t need a doctor telling me I was crazy and it was all in my head, or at best that it was simply a bit of discomfort and I was exaggerating, and those were the only things they would tell me. I knew. I’d already seen a doctor about it when the pain had first started.

I just had to cope with the pain. Frankly, that was something I’d already been doing for years, so there was no reason I couldn’t keep doing it now, with Razor.

“Tori—”

“No doctor. I’m fine.” I plopped down on the chair that Tallie had vacated, bypassing the sofa because I couldn’t handle him sitting next to me right now. If he touched me, I’d lose it.

He sat on the arm of the chair and tipped my chin up toward him. “You’re not fine. I want to help you. You were in pain when I was inside you, and that’s not normal. It’s not okay. And I refuse to put you through that, so until you can handle sex without being in pain, we’re just not going to have sex.”

I blinked back my tears in frustration. “But you’re husband.”

“I am your husband. And I’m not denying that I’m an asshole, but I’m not that much of an asshole. I’m not going to cause you pain if I can help it. But there’s no reason we shouldn’t go to a doctor to find out what’s behind it and see what we can do about it.”

“Doctor says it’s in my head. Make it up. Just uncomfortable.”

“Then we’ll keep seeing different doctors until we find one who’ll believe us and help you. Because you and I both know it’s not just in your head. Or are you going to try lying to me about that?”

He looked like he might kiss me again. Could I take advantage of the situation and redirect him? And maybe then I could get him to forget about it long enough to just fuck me. Get it over with. I could mask my pain better this time. I’d done it countless times on camera, and they’d never had to reshoot because I wasn’t convincing enough.

Before I could talk myself out of it, I reached for his cock, rubbing him over his pants. His dick was already big and hard, and it jerked to life at my touch. Razor groaned, and I fumbled to open his fly. I almost had it undone, but then—in a single move—he picked me up, took my seat, and settled me sideways on his lap with his cock pulsing against the outside of my thigh and my knees draped over the arm of the chair.

“I don’t understand,” I said in a huff. “You’re hard. Cock is ready. You want to fuck. So fuck me. It’s fine.”

He shook his head, slowly. Deliberately. “It’s not fine, beautiful.” Then he pressed a kiss to my forehead that made me want to scream in frustration. “I am hard. I do want to fuck you. But I can’t do it. I can’t be inside you and know I’m hurting you. I can’t take pleasure and know it’s torture for you. I won’t. Someday you’ll understand. Someday I’ll get through to you, and you’ll know you’re a thousand times more valuable than the sum of your parts. You’ll believe that your worth isn’t directly related to how wide you spread your legs. Someday, you’ll take control over your body again, and you’ll own it. And maybe then, you’ll see how beautiful you are to me. Maybe then, you’ll be beautiful to yourself.”

“I’m not…” I started to shake my head, without a clue what I intended to say, but he put a hand on the side of my face, cupping my ear. He brushed the pad of his thumb over my cheekbone, his touch barely there, and buried his fingers in my hair.

I couldn’t breathe because of the vise squeezing my chest, stopping my heart as surely as it stopped time.

“Don’t,” he said. His voice had become deep and harsh, and the blue of his eyes matched. “Please, stop telling me you’re not beautiful. It’ll never be true, and it kills a piece of me every time.”

I didn’t trust my voice, so I gave him a reluctant nod. I doubted I could manage to do what he’d asked of me, but he hadn’t insisted on my promise.

He kissed the end of my nose. “Good. Now, will you let me take you to the doctor? They might not be able to help, but it’s worth a shot.”

I nodded again. Maybe the doctor could convince him that it wasn’t as bad as he thought.

“Okay. One more thing.”

I flickered my eyes up to meet his. At this point, I couldn’t imagine what else he intended to throw my way.

“I think you need to move into my bedroom. Tallie saw you go down the other hall to put away your purse. If people believe we aren’t sharing a bed…”

He didn’t need to finish that statement.

But if I was in his bed, the likelihood that we might fuck would only increase. Maybe I could change his mind about the doctor, and then I could start to repay all his kindnesses. And if we were fucking, it wouldn’t be as difficult to convince anyone that we had married for love.

“I’ll sleep with you,” I said as decisively as I could. I added a firm nod for good measure.

He studied me, his eyes roving over my face, taking in every feature. Then his lips touched mine again.

The tenderness of his kiss shattered me. I might never be whole again, no matter what Razor thought.