If you have this book, your marriage is probably over, or you and your partner are not going back to the way that you were. One of you has left, or you’ve gone from intimacy to one partner planning to move on. Maybe a big fight ensued, or you came home and all of your partner’s stuff was gone. Maybe you found that the bank account has a different balance than you thought was there, or that you are no longer a signer on the account. Maybe you received a Dear John letter, or you have been served with divorce papers.
People can get divorced at all ages. You can be old or young and get divorced.
You could have been married for a few years or for many years and get divorced.
You can be rich or poor and get divorced.
You can be from a religious family or an agnostic family and get divorced.
You can be any racial ethnicity and get divorced.
You can be from a solid background or a not-so-secure background and get divorced.
Because it takes just one person to end a marriage, divorce can happen to anyone.
Marriages can end at different stages and for many, many reasons. What follows is a basic list and doesn’t include all problems—your issue may or may not be listed. Some common catalysts for divorce include:
Finances – Some couples cannot get on the same page regarding money; finances cause the marriage to fail. Money represents power, security, and control, as well as defining your future. For many, trouble with how the money is handled during the marriage can be one of the causes of divorce.
Loss of Trust – Some couples have serious breaks in trust during the marriage (the one we elaborate on in this book is an affair). Some pattern of behavior by one or both partners has eroded the marriage. Most marriages cannot survive without a basic sense of trust.
Lack of Respect – One of the partners has lost all respect for the other partner due to behavior or actions taken during the marriage. This is a major relationship killer, and one of the main reasons for a partner to leave the marriage.
Unfulfilled Expectations – At some point one or both partners feel that life isn’t living up to what they expected it to be. Milestones are unmet or do not happen. Goals such as having a family, buying a house, financial success, or career expectations aren’t achieved according to the timeline of one or both partners. Sometimes long-term sexual satisfaction isn’t what one of the partners anticipated in the marriage. This, combined with life expectancy (the idea that as we age we begin to run out of time) causes dissatisfaction. Unmet expectations of one partner become more important than the commitment to the marriage, and it fails.
Lack of Communication/Feeling Misunderstood – We all want to be known on a soul level. If one partner feels misunderstood, doesn’t feel heard, or stops telling the other partner what is happening, it can cause the marriage to end.
Betrayal – There are all sorts of betrayal. One partner has gone behind the other partner’s back and committed some type of betrayal. It can be financial, or not keeping a confidence, or lying, or a sexual indiscretion, but destroying trust can take the marriage down. Because the partner who is betrayed feels threatened, their feelings change about the other partner.
Abuse – Physical or emotional abuse can end the marriage. If someone is physically or emotionally threatened, they will eventually back out of the commitment to save themselves.
Alcoholism/Drug Abuse – Feeding an addiction eventually becomes more important than the addict’s partner, who will likely feel disrespected and betrayed, among other things. One partner’s addiction can cause misunderstandings and financial problems and can end the marriage.
Lack of Affection/Sexual Fulfillment – One of the basic foundations of marriage is your intimate life. If things aren’t working out in the bedroom, it can cause the marriage to fail. For many, a lack of affection from the other partner will cause alienation in the marriage.
Leading Separate Lives – The couple lives together but ceases to spend time being emotionally or sexually intimate, and eventually they stop doing anything together. They develop other interests and relationships outside of the marriage, and as a result become so distant from one another that their marriage breaks up.
It takes only one person to end a marriage, whether that person leaves the marriage temporarily or for good. Perhaps this person has been feeling shortchanged for a long time. All sorts of stresses can happen in a marriage— whether related to sex or money or children or emotions or power—but whatever the trigger is, this person hits the proverbial wall (more on this later) and decides to bail. The other partner may be completely blindsided by this turn of events.
For most people who leave a marriage, there has been at least one major long-term deal breaker or disappointment. The person who leaves may have gone into the marriage with solid intentions, but over time, they may feel as though their expectations of marriage have not been met, that they have been denied love, attention, or whatever else they feel that they needed to make their life meaningful or to be happy in the marriage. Usually the dissatisfaction involves love, sex, money, power, betrayal, or a loss of respect for their partner. They may threaten to leave over a period of time, or they may just up and leave.
The leaver may feel that they have tried hard to work it out, but it’s over. They know it may be a rough ride for their spouse, their children, parents, community, and extended family and friends, but everyone is just going to have to get used to the idea because the leaver is done. The leaver feels justified and will reject any other view but their own. Pleading with the leaver may fall on deaf ears. The leaver has begun to envision a new life for themselves and has figured out that they want to leave the relationship permanently. They have hardened themselves to the decision.
Once someone feels wronged or neglected, it’s easy for them to justify leaving, because in their mind, they were hurt or mistreated first.
Amy was married for twenty-two years to Tom, who was the breadwinner. Tom and Amy had two children. About ten years into the marriage, Amy began to feel like Tom still relied on his parents too much. They lived close to Amy and Tom and hosted family dinners every Sunday. It started out with small comments and looks, but over the years Amy began to feel judged by Tom’s mother. She even felt that his parents knew details of their sex life. Her mother-in-law would say to her: “Look, Amy, if a man wants it, just give it to him.” Amy was irritated that perhaps her in-laws knew too much about her, and felt that they judged her parenting decisions as well as her ability to keep a clean and organized house (Amy was a wonderful housekeeper). Tom seemed to reflect exactly what his parents felt, whether it was based in reality or not. She felt like it was her against his parents and that nobody was ever empathetic to her. Amy had a wonderful sense of humor, but she just felt that all of the fun she liked to have with Tom had left their marriage. Everyone told her what an asset she was to Tom, but she eventually began to feel bad about herself. Their private marriage didn’t match what everyone saw on the outside. One night Amy confronted Tom and told him that in the Bible it says that he should leave his mother and father and support her, but he laughed at her, snapped open a bag of chips, and left the room. She realized Tom had never left his parents— that they were more important to him than her thoughts, feelings, and opinions. It would never change.
When her kids were in middle school and high school, Amy found herself with more time during the day. She started to sell a product line from home and became very successful. She began to realize that she could support herself without Tom. She later had a hysterectomy and had severe complications from the procedure, which required several corrective surgeries. Despite her ill health, her husband insisted that she work in the backyard and maintain the house. And in the midst of the surgeries, when she was not feeling well, he also forced her to have sex with him one night. It was a snapping point for Amy. She asked Tom to accompany her to marriage counseling, but the pleas were ignored. She waited a year until she was well, and then she moved out.
While Tom begged her to come back, he maintained that there was nothing wrong with him, that all of the issues were in her head. When Amy realized that no apologies would accompany his pleas to have her back, she decided to see if she could make it on her own. It hurt like hell, and she faced a good deal of displeasure from her then-college-aged kids, but she simply could not go back.
The person who has been left was likely aware of signs, blowups, or weird things said, but they may still be stunned by their partner’s decision. They know that there are problems, but they are committed to the marriage. They may have had disappointments of their own, but were getting what they needed or, alternatively, perceived marriage as a permanent state. Splitting up is not an option. They usually still love the person who is leaving. The partner left behind may think or hope that their spouse will come back, and will wait to see what happens, possibly anticipating the return of their partner. A part of them believes that the spouse cannot survive without them. They may do all of the things that the partner had asked, hoping that the partner returns. The left may become highly sexual with the leaver, hoping to regain the relationship.
It’s stunning to the left that they have no voice or power with their separated spouse. The person left behind may be unaware of the depth of the hurt that the leaver has suffered, and likewise, the leaver may not comprehend fully the damage they’ll leave behind.
The reality is that both spouses may see themselves as the one who has been wronged. Every situation is unique.
You know what bothers your partner. Now that they’ve left, you may clean up your act and hope they return. You may keep to your shared routines, just in case they come back. You may leave the door unlocked or open, metaphorically or not. You may be so scared of the unknown that you would trade anything for what used to be, even if the way it used to be wasn’t great. The future without your partner may be unimaginable.
Before the bomb fell, did you notice changes in your partner? Did your partner make declarations about their future or start talking about what they want? Did your partner suddenly have a problem with your behavior or appear distracted? Or maybe you recall your partner starting a fight out of the blue? If any of this sounds familiar, your partner was probably experimenting with emotionally distancing themselves from you. Those partners who follow this approach often start with condemnations of their partner’s behavior, lots of sighing, and basically acting odd, followed by phases of acting normally.
The partner starting to pull away may lose a good deal of weight (the average weight loss during divorce is thirty pounds), change their hair, and/or buy new clothes. They may begin to go out and not tell you where they are going. It’s quite common for the leaver to tell you that they think they never loved you or question why they got married at all.
Caroline, a thirty-six-year-old stay-at-home mother of three children, said: “I couldn’t believe it when my husband of fourteen years left, but announced that he was moving down the street so that he could see the kids. I knew we had problems, but who didn’t? He wouldn’t give me his apartment number or the address or name of the apartments, because he said he was afraid I would come to look for him. What were we going to tell the neighbors, our families? Why did this happen to me after being so faithful to him for fourteen years? What did I do?”
To say that divorce is a game changer is an understatement. It doesn’t just affect the person who is leaving. Divorce affects the whole family (although the leaver may not be willing to admit this or see it, initially). It changes everything financially, emotionally, and geographically in every other single area of your life. People travel this journey at their own pace and find different ways to work through the changes. It’s a complicated set of resources that you will need to navigate this path, no matter if you are the leaver or the one left behind.
Emily shares: “I was in a car accident and the air bag hit me. I got out of the car and sat by the side of the road. I felt nothing; I guess I was in shock. Even when the gash in my skin really began to bleed, I still couldn’t feel anything. The police and emergency services came, and then after an hour or so, I began to hurt where I had been injured.” Deep shocks to the psyche, like the ending of a marriage, or even a separation, are not so different from a physical injury. It takes a while to play out. You may hear your ex has a new lover, or understand that he or she has moved out, but at first you are numb. It has no meaning. In a couple of days or weeks, strong emotions may start to emerge in response to the news, but not at first. This is normal.
You’re likely to feel a number of emotions when you first realize you’re headed for divorce. We’ll talk about those in the next chapter.