There are five stages of grieving that people experience after a loss such as divorce. Both the leaver and the person left behind will go through the stages of grieving during a separation and divorce. You might experience the phases of grieving in order, but they do not always occur in order. You may experience a small amount of one stage of grieving briefly, but another stage for a longer period of time and more intensely. Every person and situation is different.
You don’t have to do anything to trigger these five stages of grief; they just happen as you are processing the loss of a love or the pain of divorce. Since it’s a process, however, if you can recognize what stage you are in and be aware of how you are feeling, it may help. There is no prescribed time frame for when you will feel what, or how long each stage will last.
Many authors have written about the five stages of grief. If you wish to learn more, please seek additional information; it’s a big topic and only highlighted in this book.
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross first authored the five stages of grief. The stages, popularly known by the acronym DABDA, are:
The person left behind is unable to admit that the relationship is over. They may continue to seek the former partner’s attention. Usually the person who is left is the one in denial. He or she thinks, “This cannot be happening to me.” This person believes that if they can wait it out, the relationship will return to normal.
Anger is a part of most divorces. The partner left behind may blame the departing partner, or themselves. Once they realize that their partner may not be coming back, they become angry. During this stage, it’s common to think: “Why me?” “This isn’t fair!” “Who is to blame here?” “Why would God let this happen to me?” “Why? Why? Why?” The person going through a separation or divorce might want to strike out or to get even somehow. They usually stop playing nice at this point in the separation. This is a natural response—it’s normal to feel really angry.
The leaver will also express long-held anger at the left; they can be quite nasty for a while. It’s a part of the process of ending the marriage.
The partner left behind may plead with a departing partner for another chance, promising that the reasons behind the breakup won’t happen again. They will tell the departing partner: “I can change, please give me a chance.” Or they may attempt to renegotiate the terms of the relationship. Someone who would never go to counseling before the threat of divorce may suddenly be willing to go to couple’s therapy to save the marriage.
The person may be willing to do anything to avoid the reality of the separation and impending divorce.
The partner left behind, as well as the partner who is leaving, is grieving the loss of the marriage. Both will feel very discouraged about everything for a period of time. This is a part of any significant loss. The left feels that all attempts at bargaining did not convince the other partner to stay. Thoughts such as “I am so sad!” or “Why bother with anything?” are common at this stage. It’s like being in a cave: very dark, dreary, and continuous. Remember that this stage, like the others, will pass.
The partner finally abandons all efforts to renew the relationship. “I can’t fight it, I may as well prepare for it.” “It’s inevitable.” “It will be okay.” In this last stage, individuals embrace an unknown future. At this point in the acceptance process, most people have a more “Zen” view of their divorce as well as their life in general.
While the five stages of grief were first developed to understand how a person processes the reality of impending death, the stages also apply to other serious losses. When your marriage ends, you will grieve. You do not have to do anything to make it happen. The gut-wrenching cry will come out eventually. There will be times when grief might overwhelm you and other times when you might not feel anything. This book recommends that you allow yourself to experience loss so that you can live again.
One thing to know is that grief cannot kill you, although it can stress you out considerably. A divorce is in many ways like a death. A significant person is removed from your everyday life, except for—in some cases—brief contact about kids or at social occasions. People do survive the loss of a spouse, and so can you.
Caleb, a forty-three-year-old mechanical engineer with two preteen girls, had been left by his wife over the Christmas holiday. He was participating in a divorce recovery class and said: “It’s like she died to me. There’s not really any difference. I hear about her, but I haven’t actually seen her in months.”
You will speculate about how things could have been different—the “why nots.” This is perfectly normal and part of the separation/divorce process. It’s not unusual to be haunted by fears that you could have done something better, or something more to save your marriage. It’s normal to do some soul-searching and try to figure out what happened—to dissect the relationship from every angle.
Divorce presents so many reasons to be hard on yourself: If only I hadn’t gained weight or if only I had made more money, been a better parent, been better in bed, been more of what my partner needed.
One approach is to get out a blank piece of paper and make a list of your “why nots” or what you think you might have done to create the situation and contribute to the challenges you and your partner experienced. It’s a great way to work through your thoughts and perhaps learn something about yourself. If you’re lucky, you might be able to begin to leave some of your concerns behind on the page.
Watch out for obstacles that can block the emotional healing of successfully moving through divorce. There are two ways that people block grieving. They tackle it, in an attempt to knock it down, like a football player, for fear of hurting too much, or they emotionally distance themselves from parts of their life, which stops the grieving process.
One thing is for certain: You cannot ignore grief; it will not go away. Even if it’s hard, make the commitment to open up. It may hurt intensely, but you will heal faster if you accept your feelings.
If you see your ex or are thinking about them, allow your mind to linger on it rather than shutting it off like a tap or getting so distant from everyone and everything that you no longer feel anything. It’s okay to still feel something for them; allowing yourself to process those feelings will help you heal the grief.
Although you might try, you cannot will yourself to feel better.
Roger owns an appliance repair store; he is forty-five, divorced, and shares custody of his two daughters with his ex-wife. Roger is well-liked, bright, and can quickly diagnose problems for his customers. He has dated but hasn’t hit it off with anyone. When friends or family suggest to him that he might miss his wife, he protests: “It’s over! Why does everyone ask me about it? She asked me for a divorce, and I moved out the next day. I refuse to think about it. Who cares?” Roger is an active participant in “emotional boot camp.”
Emotional boot camp is like a liquid bandage: it stops the pain immediately. Some people who are divorcing get to the point where enough is enough and it’s time to move on. They make a decision to get over the failed relationship and do not allow themselves to engage in the grieving process. They shut out thoughts of their ex-partner. Life is a boot camp and they are going to survive, no matter what it takes.
The problem with this approach is that it’s practically impossible to will away the part of your life that was your marriage. If the instinct to be really tough on yourself takes over, just realize that it can work against you in the long run. Trying to pretend otherwise can work against you. It’s best to mourn your loss and allow yourself to process the feelings that surface, because you cannot just skip it. The grief will stay with you and needs to be allowed to come out.
If you do find yourself cutting off any feelings of grief, consider seeing a counselor or enrolling in a divorce recovery class to find out how you are really feeling. It’s important to have a safe place to work through the grief.
Misunderstanding how grief works can also block emotional progress. This statement may seem strange, but it is true.
Grief works backward.
If you go back in time and allow yourself to remember your spouse, things that they said, or how good they smelled, or some of the good times you had together, it will help you to move on. In measured doses, revisiting the past—looking at wedding photos and pictures of family, for example—can evoke strong emotions that can help you heal.
Grieving is one of the most important gifts you can give yourself, but it doesn’t use a stopwatch.
Taking the time to really experience what happened to you and what you lost is the best ointment for a broken heart. It will hurt to think about the way things were, and it takes a courageous person to do it. But it’s a solid path to getting on with your life.
Be gentle with yourself, and when you want to just “get over it and move on,” give yourself time to go through the multifaceted process of mourning the loss of a love. It really does work if you can “go backward” to remember and embrace who you were and what you have lost.