Think of your life as a swimming pool and your community, your home, your job, your church, your friends, your children, and your spouse as layers of water combining to fill the pool. You may rely on one layer more than another at a given time, but the main thing that fills up your swimming pool is your spouse. They are a part of most everything that you do. Your life, your social activities, your finances, and even your meals are spent with or centered around that person.
When one person leaves, initially, both spouses are faced with an empty or almost-empty swimming pool. The people who weather a divorce best are those who can find new layers to fill up their swimming pool. One of the points of this book is to give you ideas on how to refill your swimming pool. You can fill your pool by trying new activities, developing an interest in a previous hobby or talent you possess, spending time with your friends and community, or starting a new relationship. Some of the new layers of your swimming pool may be short-term, some others may be long-term. The water may change a lot for a period of time and that’s okay. You are being given the opportunity to refill your swimming pool with whatever will work for you.
One of the hallmarks of success after separation and divorce is being able to make connections to fill up your empty swimming pool to survive and to eventually thrive.
Bridget, a forty-five-year-old junior college teacher with two elementary-school-aged boys, shares: “I filled up my pool with the support I gained in a divorce recovery class, where I made three friends right off the bat who were going through the same thing I was. I also added water by learning how to play the guitar and reminding myself that I had a singing voice that was good enough to win me a scholarship to college. I did read a lot, and I ironed every single piece of cotton clothing in my house. I also walked the greenbelt behind my house for miles and miles with my dog. And I listened to music and cried on the weekends when I didn’t have the kids. I found a great place that played live music on Thursday nights and found a new friend to go with every week. I didn’t date for a year; instead, I used that time to cultivate my relationship with my kids, redid their rooms, and spent a lot of time figuring out how to cook since my ex had done all of the cooking. I learned to enjoy shopping for food and cooking things that I liked. I watched my children like a momma bear who was protective of her cubs, keeping them engaged with board games. I also got rid of all of my underwear because I just had to do that and wanted anyone new that might come into my life to see underwear that no one had ever seen before. I sold several pieces of jewelry that were presents from my ex-husband on eBay. And I burned anything I didn’t need, like old bills and clothes that had belonged to my ex.”
There are many ways to refill your pool, such as doing things you enjoy and finding people you like to spend time with.
If you enjoy an activity, do it. It doesn’t really matter what it is, but keeping your mind occupied is healthy and will get you through this rough time. Some people listen to music, work out, or read to get enough distance from themselves to let the tears roll down their face. Or you could watch episodes of a television show you have always wanted to see. Did you ever want to paint a room or remodel something? Jump in and do it—it’s a great time to find something to focus on, get physical, create change, and find a productive way to spend your time.
From the time you were a child, did you display a talent for something? This was an early ego builder for you. You sensed you were better than others at something. Engaging in something that involves your talents and abilities can be a powerful tool to help you get over a relationship. When you were younger, did you lose yourself in hours of practice or your chosen art? Did you put everything you had into a sport? A forgotten talent could be a great refuge for you now, and it will enable you to go back to a familiar feeling or routine that had a good outcome. Make a list of things that you can do, and embrace your unique gifts. It can be a positive experience and a way to cope with the feeling of loss over divorce.
Along with developing new interests, make time to cultivate new relationships to fill up your swimming pool. Ask yourself to be open to the experience of meeting new people, perhaps at a meetup group or through volunteering at your favorite charity. A conscious effort to get out and make connections can be a natural bridge to new relationships.
Gwen was twenty-nine and separated from her husband, David, who had had an affair. She joined the SPCA (an organization that promotes the safety and well-being of animals) and made two good friends while taking care of the pets. She even ended up with a new kitten.
Do you have a parent or a friend you have wanted to spend more time with? Cultivate that relationship. Friends and family are a great place to start when you’re rebuilding your life—many times they are the best listeners and the most supportive of what you are going through.
Benny is a professional guitarist who found himself separated at thirty-three (his wife said she was tired of his late-night gigs and wanted to find someone who worked a regular job). He began to go to his sister’s house for dinner on Sunday nights and found that his six-year-old niece was also musically inclined—she was making up tunes on the piano. She became his protégé and he sponsored her for private lessons. They were soon jamming together. It was a great experience for both of them.
When you are suddenly solo, sometimes you will meet people in the oddest places, and people will pop into your life for no apparent reason. Sit back and watch. It will happen.
Laura, a human resources executive, has two boys and separated from her husband at forty-seven. To cope with stress, she joined a water aerobics class two nights a week in her neighborhood. She swam by someone she had seen in her neighborhood; they started chatting and Laura told Carolyn about her divorce. Quickly, Carolyn became one of her best friends. They have many things in common, and the friendship is mutually beneficial for both of them.
Sometimes you will feel as if you are the only person in the world who is going through a divorce or separation. Well, you aren’t. If you want to meet other people in a similar situation, there are great divorce recovery groups in most cities. Join one—it might help you heal (more on this later).
Do you remember when you were little and got a bad cut or a serious injury, or even a big shot at the doctor, how someone would distract you with something like an ice cream cone or letting you hold your favorite stuffed animal? Parents distract their kids to protect them; it’s a natural instinct. Distractions are designed to grab your attention so you can focus on something else.
People going through divorce usually come up with a distraction. It’s healthy, normal, and quite common to engage in distraction to a certain extent to get through the process of divorce. These shifts in focus will help you cope and may help you to refill your swimming pool. They might even become new habits or new hobbies, or lead to a new relationship.
Starting and sticking to a new routine is hard. Stephanie, a forty-year-old teacher and mother of two young boys, separated from her husband. She shares: “Our family had always had dinner together. Bath and bedtime was when I spent the most time with my husband. For the first six months of my separation, I used to wonder how I would get through 5:00 p.m. to 8:00 p.m. every night. I fixed meals, did homework with the kids, got everyone ready for bed, but it was really hard, and I missed his support during this time. I missed him too. The time dragged on; it was just a hard time of day to get through. I just wanted to go to bed, but I had to be sure to be present for the kids, and I forced myself to make some new evening routines.
“I cooked dinner and the boys helped me with the kitchen afterwards to keep them engaged. My master bedroom seemed too big for one person during that first six months. I moved the boys into one room and I slept in the small bedroom next door. If someone had a bad dream or cried in their sleep, I was close by. The house seemed dark and scary at night during that time, but it felt safer all together. Eventually, everyone moved back to their room. The first six months, many old routines went by the wayside and that was just fine.”
James, a thirty-two-year-old executive in finance, used to take the train home from the city and meet his wife at his stop. After his divorce, he changed the time that he took the train and worked out at the gym two nights a week to create a different schedule. It helped him not miss her so much when he got home at night.
Melanie, a thirty-year-old artist, always had coffee in the morning with her husband; it was their “thing.” Her new routine was getting out the door to grab coffee at Starbucks on the way to her studio. It helped her to move on.
Wix, a divorcé and retired banker, had always watched several TV series with his wife. After they separated, he cancelled his cable subscription. Now he subscribes to Netflix instead and gets excited about watching new episodes every week.
Any changes you can make to break up the old way you did things with an ex-partner can feel uncomfortable at first, but are good ways to fill up your pool. By doing this you are creating new patterns in your life.