You are likely to encounter a wide range of opinions about divorce from your community, friends and family, neighbors, religious community, and if you are a parent, from people involved in your children’s school. Many may be ambivalent about divorce, leaving you feeling as though you are being judged. You may encounter animosity or feel as though others are distancing themselves from you.
At first, there is a lot of drama around your divorce. When couples separate, intrigue and speculation often ensue. It is, after all, big news for some people.
Janice, a thirty-eight-year-old preschool teacher with three children, shares: “What was odd is that with kids in school and having lived in my community for ten years, people came out of the woodwork to talk to me. People whom I did not know very well looked at me sympathetically, but all they wanted was scoop.”
There are people who will hunt you down at a party or school function just to ask, “What’s going on? We heard you were separated. . . .” How you respond to this question will determine how much people know about your situation, so be careful. The good news is that when you are feeling as though nothing is within your control, this is one place where you can exert a bit of control. You can determine how much you share. Of course, information may seep out from other sources, your ex included.
Sometimes, it’s best to simply say that you are having some private family issues. If you feel the need to say more, you could turn the onus back to the asker and indicate that you and your children appreciate their concern and request their prayers for your family. This tends to end the conversation with most nosy people.
But sometimes the leaver is the source of information spreading. This person may be excited to spread the news because it makes them the focus of attention—a powerful sensation. The leaver is moving on, perhaps even in spite of their kids and spouse begging them to stay.
In an attempt to justify their actions, the person leaving may share long-kept intimate secrets or details, complain about being unhappy in the relationship, and/or paint their partner in a poor light. This is not unusual; in fact, it’s quite common.
By knowing that this is not uncommon, it might help you know what to expect during this time. Although painful, it’s part of distancing yourself from the marriage. You can control your side of the story.
You and your ex-partner undoubtedly have friends and family who know you both well. Some people feel they need to pick a side during divorce. Perhaps they knew your partner first, so the long-standing loyalty is for your ex, not you, after the breakup. You will probably have to split up your friend list, and family members will side with their own. It’s tough.
Some people have no experience with divorce and just don’t know how to handle it. For some, your divorce may highlight the shortcomings in their own marriage and that frightens them; if it could happen to you, it could happen to them. It’s too close for comfort. Of your couple friends, one spouse may want to support you, while the other spouse may want to stay out of it.
Divorce is fragmenting and destabilizing for any community, and you may find that not many people embrace it either as a concept or because it represents change. Divorce is divisive in nature and triggers feelings that have to do with morality. This is why you may find yourself being shunned.
It’s quite natural for people to go into preservation mode in response to a threat. You may find that even people you thought were good friends disappear on you. There’s no getting around it; it’s hard. You may not even get to say good-bye to friends who started out as your spouse’s friends or for whatever reason side with your partner, which is really sad.
This is an unexpected side effect of divorce that is painful, losing long-standing relationships. It’s better if you know this ahead of time, so that you can prepare yourself not to take it personally.
Losing extended family who side with your partner is difficult too, especially if you and your spouse have been together for a long time. You may have seen these people socially for years—spent holidays and special moments together, attended the same events—and suddenly, they’re gone. All of that time together, all of those shared experiences and memories, and then—nothing. No phone call, no good-bye letter, no gesture of any sort, nothing.
Kern is a thirty-six-year-old accountant with twelveyear-old twin girls whose in-laws always had a great New Year’s Day party. Neighbors and friends brought potluck food and drinks, and as the day wore on more and more people came. Kern always goofed off at this party and really enjoyed himself. He watched families grow up there. He looked forward to the party all year and enjoyed seeing how the families who attended grew and changed over the years.
After his divorce he never attended the party again. He always wondered what happened to the people he had seen every year. It seemed so odd to him that he lost contact with all of them, and he wondered if any of them ever cared how he was doing.
Divorce is awkward for couples you socialize with, too. When you’re one of a couple, you don’t give much thought to it, but once you are on your own, it throws off the balance. Couple activities are usually conceived of as couple activities, whether intentionally so or not. Once you’re single, you may be excluded. Or if you’re included, showing up by yourself and in pain casts a pall over a get-together that is supposed to be fun and may result in your not being invited again. If you hear somehow that you’ve been excluded, don’t wallow for too long. If you feel bad, experience the feeling but try to keep in mind that this is a fairly common experience.
Angela, a stay-at-home mom with two children in middle school who was very socially active in her community, found that she went from receiving lots of Christmas cards a year to receiving about five or six in the first year after her divorce. Getting cut from the Christmas card list was upsetting to Angela. A small thing, but it mattered to her.
Bobby, a newly divorced forty-five-year-old real estate broker and father of two high school boys, found out that the annual couples’ neighborhood chili cookoff with his married friends had happened without him. He had moved out of the neighborhood, but it still hurt to be excluded. Bobby later heard that because he was good-looking and single now, one of the guys in the group was afraid he would hit on his wife.
To say that people don’t know how to behave or what to do is the truth when their friends or family members divorce. There are few etiquette resources on how to treat a couple who is splitting up.
During a divorce, some people come to your rescue. Your rescuers may be people you know well, like a best friend, but others will surprise you.
Hope, twenty-nine, is a part-time lab tech and mother of an eight-year-old boy. She was at a birthday party when another mom noticed that Hope wasn’t wearing her wedding ring. The mom shared with Hope that her ex-husband had left her and their one-year-old baby when she was twenty years old. Then she touched Hope’s shoulder. “I have your back,” she whispered. The mom was a sweet soul, calling Hope weekly to check in and stopping gossip about Hope’s divorce when she heard it. Hope greatly appreciated the support.
Jason, a forty-year-old software sales executive and father of two teenage girls, was going through a divorce. Jill, a family friend who grew up with Jason, drove from a neighboring city for a week and took care of his kids, cooked meals, and packed up the personal belongings of Jason’s ex-wife, who had moved in with another man. She brewed many cups of coffee, listened while Jason vented, and taught him and the girls to cook a different meal every evening. Jill’s support meant the world to Jason; it was very helpful to him and his girls in his recovery.
Nancy, a forty-six-year-old stay-at-home mom of one girl and two boys, walked her children to school every day with a neighborhood friend, a man whose kids went to the same school. His name was Anthony. When Anthony heard about Nancy’s divorce, he replaced all of the smoke detectors in her house, installed new programmable thermostats on her air conditioning units, and changed the oil in her car.
“If anything goes wrong around here, you call me,” Anthony said. He saved Nancy lots of money over the next three years. He never really talked to her about the details of her divorce, but he gave new meaning to the phrase “true friend.”
Karen, a thirty-six-year-old financial advisor and mom of middle-school-aged boys, knew a woman named Michelle in the neighborhood because their kids were friendly. When Karen’s husband moved out, Michelle called Karen every day and was particularly mad about what Karen’s husband had done in abandoning the marriage. It lifted Karen’s burden, knowing that someone else was angry about her divorce. Michelle also made sure that she and her husband sat with Karen at all of their kids’ football games. It was a lifeline for Karen during a difficult time.
During a divorce, there are friends you can count on and others you just cannot. Other people you know casually step up to help you. You don’t know which is which until everything happens, and life hits a difficult moment and reveals the people who will support you.