The shock of divorce eventually gets to work on the mental and biological systems of the body. Work productivity suffers. Sometimes people who can afford to just drop out of life for a while and shop, or fish, or go to a coffee shop every day. Some people run until they’re exhausted, or read, or see movies, or sleep, or eat too much or too little. Whatever works for you is okay as long as you’re not hurting yourself or anyone else. Just do the best that you can do to get by for a while. You have suffered a staggering blow and your mind and body are working to absorb what’s happening.
Read this again: You have suffered a staggering blow. It’s going to take time to get over it. You should know, however, that feeling bad is okay. Give yourself a break. Leslie, a twenty-six-year-old graduate student who was divorcing after a five-year marriage, found herself singing that old Beatles favorite “Let It Be” to give herself a lift. For some reason it gave her comfort. Nicholas, a golf pro who was divorcing at thirty-six, wandered around the golf course looking for lost golf balls. It helped him process what was happening to him.
Stress is hard on the body, and it’s brought on by life changes, major routine changes, financial changes, and a broken heart. Be ready for physical manifestations of the difficulties you are experiencing, and realize these manifestations are natural. What follows are descriptions of a few typical symptoms.
Sleep might become an issue, whether you are sleeping too much or not at all. If you vary from your normal sleep routine, it’s a sign that your body is being affected by what you are going through. If possible, sleep when you can and trust that this will pass. Eventually normal sleep patterns will return. If they don’t, seek the advice of a medical professional.
Are you tired all the time? You may feel fatigued whether you are sleeping or not; grief is exhausting. You might feel numb, just like you are going through the motions or trying to move through water. This is normal, and just part of the changes that result from separation and divorce. Wrapping your psyche around the life changes you are experiencing can make you feel run-down so that you have no energy for other things. Your body and mind are working overtime to process all of your emotions and the changes in your life. The good news is that the exhaustion is a sign that you are moving through the process of change. It won’t last forever.
During separation or divorce, you may not want to be with anyone, or you might want to sleep with anything that moves. Both responses are normal. Feeling overly sexual is a typical response to separation, so don’t feel bad if you do feel sexual. Sex drives can vary postseparation.
Impotence may also occur. It’s a normal response to shock and deep grief, and some people may not be able to perform sexually due to the stress of separation and divorce. See a medical professional if you have continuing concerns, but be aware that this is a common side effect of divorce.
Many want to date to prove to themselves that they are still sexually attractive to a mate. It’s normal to want to feel like you still have it. Dating postseparation and divorce to feel validated is a natural and healthy instinct.
If you do feel sexual, remember that sex is a form of communication, like playing a sport or talking. It’s direct contact. You can engage in many different activities to get to know someone better. You can talk with someone, laugh with them, have a drink, take a walk, see a movie, or go to church: these are all different methods of communication. Keep in mind that sex can leave lingering feelings of regret, so maybe it’s safest to go with a less direct method of contact first. Sex can be a good thing, but it can also be scary to be with someone new after a significant relationship ends.
If you meet someone who meets all of your needs immediately, take care to consider whether this could be a fantasy or rebound love. If you want to remarry right away, consider counseling before taking that step; realize that you probably aren’t in the best frame of mind to make a big life decision. It might be healthier to enjoy this person with no commitments for a time, while you take care of the wounds left over from your divorce.
Anne, a forty-five-year-old meeting planner with two kids in college, had been divorced for only a year when she spent $30,000 on a house remodel with her new boyfriend only to realize a year later that she didn’t care if she had new tile. Her boyfriend had wanted it.
Jerry, a fifty-five-year-old insurance salesman with grown children, married a beautiful woman from Mexico within three months of his divorce, only to realize that all she really wanted was to file for her citizenship. There were serious cultural differences between them, and two years later Jerry was divorced again.
No appetite? Food isn’t on your radar? Loss of appetite is another side effect of grief. In fact, most people lose thirty pounds or so within a year of divorce. For some people, weight loss is a direct result of having been wounded so deeply that they’ve also lost their sense of self and ability to take care of their basic needs. For others, losing weight is a form of control. By taking control of their appearance, perhaps obsessively, they don’t feel as lost. On the other hand, some people eat and gain weight during times of stress. None of these responses to grief is uncommon.
Running, biking, lifting weights, or any other form of exercise can be helpful, not least because of the endorphins that result. Plus, exercise provides a temporary escape and helps alleviate both depression and anxiety, especially if you work out regularly. Exercise is good for you, but some people can take it to extremes after divorce. Like Nike says: “Just do it”—but take care not to overdo it.
Crying is a natural response to grief. If you set aside time to cry and mourn your loss, you have a good chance of surviving the pain of divorce. Men and women both cry; that’s normal. Cry often. It’s your body’s response to grief, and it’s a natural way to heal. If, however, the crying is overwhelming or doesn’t eventually subside, please seek medical advice.
Jeff, a software engineer who works from home, cried every morning after his divorce. He cried for about two months and then it was over, although he did cry the day his divorce was final.
Meredith, a thirty-two-year-old social media manager, cried herself to sleep at night. She felt it helped her get out of the really low place she found herself in once she gave up the idea that her ex would come back.
Whichever way you choose to grieve, do it. When you choose to cry and where or how often will be up to you; know that it’s one of the tools that will help you heal and move past the divorce. Sometimes the mourning falls into a pattern, and that’s okay. Experiencing these deep emotions is a sign that you will recover.
Reliving parts of your relationship by looking at old wedding pictures and remembering holidays and then mourning your loss through crying is normal. It will help you cope with the grief. Sometimes people think that focusing on those memories and reliving the good times is something you should avoid, but it will actually help you to accept that the relationship is over and will allow your brain, which is trying to understand what happened, to let go of the past. It’s odd but it’s true: if you allow yourself to feel the pain, you will free yourself to move on. It’s okay to do that.
No matter how long it takes.
Alex said: “What do I miss about my wife? I miss the good times.”
And that’s okay.
Feeling as though you are falling apart is normal and even expected during this time. You may feel like you’re going crazy! Nothing is the same, and you are majorly freaked out by this turn of events. You no longer feel sane because if you were sane, you would have some control. Divorce, by its definition, means you are losing control of your marriage. It’s okay to feel disoriented and out of sorts right now. Major life changes are happening to you, no matter who initiated the divorce. The Accidental Divorcée calls this “emotional defrag.” By falling apart, you eventually regroup and come back together.
Here are some examples of crazy things that people did during their divorces:
You may be very, very distracted during divorce. Work, school, or any activity that requires concentration may be difficult, or you may have to exert extra focus to make yourself pay attention. Joy, a fourth-grade teacher, found that her own children kept telling her things she swore that they had never mentioned to her about school and other to-dos. Although Joy was present, she wasn’t listening when her children were talking to her. You are working out many things in your psyche. If you find yourself staring into space, or you don’t hear what people are saying to you, it’s normal.
It’s not unusual for people who are getting divorced to be unreliable when it comes to optional or social activities. They may change their mind at a moment’s notice and not show up. They are doing what makes them feel best or may seem like a good idea at the time. Unless children’s routines are involved, this is typical and should pass, but it’s worth noting that friends and family might be frustrated for a while with the person getting divorced.
There is a lot of fear and uncertainty during separation and divorce. Sometimes this manifests itself in real-life fears.
Lisa, a thirty-two-year-old waitress, became afraid of staying in her apartment alone. She was afraid of a break-in or of someone following her home. She moved in with her sister for six months but eventually returned to her apartment, installing extra lighting and a new dead bolt once she felt ready to return alone.
Many times a new fear means that in reality, we are afraid of what is happening to us, rather than the new thing that is scary. Fears can range from minor to major worries.
In her divorce recovery group, Jenny, a thirty-fouryear-old mom of two elementary-school-aged girls, who was getting the house in her divorce settlement said, “I am afraid I won’t know how to do all of the stuff.”
“What do you mean by that?” someone asked.
“I mean: What type of light bulbs do we use in the kitchen light? What type of air conditioning filters do I need? My husband did all of that for me. I don’t know how to cut the grass. I can’t fix anything. Ugh!”
Many marriages are split, duty-wise, and once each ex-spouse sets up a household independently, they are managing more home responsibilities than they did before. Many recent divorcées have to come up to speed on how to pay bills and handle their finances. Some men are intimidated by cooking, cleaning, and laundry but eventually get the hang of it. Some women are handy, but if you are not, there’s always Google and YouTube. Remember: you can become proficient at nearly anything.
Not only does divorce cause deep emotional change, the little stuff of daily life changes too. The daily stuff can be overwhelming. Mastering a new life and responsibilities can be a stretch and a juggling act at first, but it’s a chance to grow and learn.
Some people feel an urge to hash out what happened verbally. They talk to their friends, parents, coworkers—anyone who will listen. They repeat what happened; it’s like a river that will not stop. This is a part of the acceptance process, and it’s another phase of divorce where a supportive family and friends can help by just listening.
Melissa, a thirty-year-old graduate student who was divorcing, called her mom every day to rehash what was happening to her and to give her mom updates on everything that was going on. It made Melissa feel good to hear her mom’s voice.
For about nine months after her separation, Amanda, a thirty-three-year-old personal trainer with twin boys, frequently blurted out her story to people she ran across in her regular daily activities. One day, she was at the bank and told her separation story to the banker.
Rodney is a cable tech. He married young and had four children. While he was installing a cable box about three weeks after his wife moved out, his customer asked him what was wrong and he broke down in tears. She made him brownies and listened to his story.
The desire to tell your deep secrets and air your humiliations to someone who doesn’t know you well, or sometimes doesn’t know you at all, is natural. There is a type of validation in shocking someone with your story. It’s okay, and it will pass. That guy who waited on you at Starbucks won’t work there forever.
Some people do things to excess after divorce. It’s a part of becoming an individual again (individuation). For example, some people tend to overexercise, drink too much, masturbate too much, or eat too much. It’s a time of pushing things to the edge.
Vanessa, a thirty-eight-year-old chef, says about the time after her divorce: “Yeah, I was pretty wild for a while, but I will say this: I didn’t catch an STD, I didn’t drink myself to death, I didn’t go broke, I didn’t hurt anyone, and I didn’t kill myself. I survived. Things were crazy for a while, but hey, I got through it.”
People who are separated or going through divorce may revert to college partying behavior to cope. They may drink to excess, sleep around, or experiment with drugs as a means of self-medicating to see if it makes them feel better. Letting loose is safe as long as it’s legal and makes you feel better. No judgment.
Many people are angry postdivorce, and for all sorts of reasons: they no longer have a voice with their partner, their relationship isn’t turning out the way they thought it would, their children are hurt, they have to adapt to a new lifestyle. It’s normal and healthy to feel angry. As long as you don’t engage in behavior that could end up hurting people, go ahead and let it out.
After his divorce, Mitch, a life insurance salesman with three daughters, hit golf balls every Sunday at the golf range for two hours.
Nancy, a forty-year-old life coach with a son and daughter, put up a punching bag in her garage and hit it every time she got into her car.
Jason, an eagle scout who had gone on hiking trips as a teen, set a goal to hike the Appalachian Trail. These plans were waylaid by a young marriage and three children. When he divorced at forty-five, he was very angry. He told his friends he was “ripped up on the inside and tripped up on the outside.” He decided to hike off his anger, joined a Meetup group for hiking, and finally hit the Appalachian Trail. During the hike he carried a heavy backpack, climbed rocks, got rained on, and slid down a mountain by accident. His feet were blistered and he lost a toenail, but he kept going. He got banged up and he was hungry all of the time. It mirrored how he felt inside. The peril of a long hike really helped Jason to put his life in perspective. The hike was so physically challenging that it was all he could do to continue. For the first time in months, he wasn’t thinking about his ex-wife; the trail was too demanding. In the end, the hike was the catharsis that he needed. Jason moved to a new place when he came back. He left some bitterness on the trail.
Anger is therapeutic. If you can express your emotions in a safe arena, go for it. Think of an activity that will allow you to express how outraged you are and have at it.
Some people are mad after divorce—really, really mad, which they express through the use of coarse language.
Michael, a franchise business owner, shared: “I had never cussed in my life, but I actually began to cuss all of the time! It was crazy. I even cussed in my head about everything that I wanted to say, but didn’t. It made me feel better, and I couldn’t help it. I tried to control it when I was in business and social situations, and of course, around my kids. The cussing phase lasted about two years for me, and then it went away and it hasn’t come back. It was necessary for me to go through it and considering some of the stuff that I could have done, it was fairly harmless.”
So if you are swearing a lot, realize it’s a reaction to what is happening, and with time it may pass.
Wanting to indulge yourself after a divorce is how some people deal with the pain—it makes them feel better.
Lacey, a thirty-seven-year-old business owner, fell into this category after she was separated. She shopped with anyone who would go with her. She bought lots of clothes, purses, and shoes. It was the only thing that made her feel good. She realized that this urge to shop had cost her some money, but it was fun and it temporarily stopped the pain. After a year she put herself on a budget.
Thomas, a forty-three-year-old sales executive with two kids, had always done well financially and given nice gifts to his wife. A year after she left him for another man, he decided to spend some money on himself and bought a new BMW. It made him feel very happy.
Every financial situation is different. If the urge to spend money gets way beyond your means and you are finding it hard to stop spending, or the urge doesn’t pass, consider getting some professional help.
Some people dream about their ex or imagine they hear their ex’s voice. Dreaming is a means of processing subconscious thoughts and emotions. This is normal. You might even think that you see them in a crowd or in your house. It’s a part of the grieving period.
Miranda, a fifty-year-old mom of two teenagers, thought she heard her ex one morning walk downstairs, make coffee in the kitchen, and leave for work. Try as she might, Miranda could never figure out if it was a dream; because it felt so real, she was sure it happened.
Kate’s husband left her for someone else. She was obsessed with the whole thing for the first three months of separation: how this woman would be with her children, wondering if her husband would ever come back—it troubled her deeply. And then, one night, she had a dream where she and the other woman sat and had a conversation about everything. Her ex-husband was in the room, but he was facing the wall. Kate woke up, felt sick, and cried, but something had happened that night to move her forward. The affair stopped running around in her mind like a gerbil, and she felt a bit better.
If you are having dreams or fantasies, it’s good to be aware that this is part of the grieving process. It’s disturbing because you might feel like the events really happened, but it’s another way that your psyche is sorting things out. Rest assured it’s just a phase and should pass.
You might even hate your stuff for a while. Things that are sentimental or that you purchased during the marriage become rough emotional territory during separation and divorce—your house, clothes, jewelry, kitchen items, furniture, art, and pictures included. Sometimes the more commitment it represents, the more you might dislike the item.
Erica, an interior decorator, and her husband, an investment banker, had picked out Lenox china when they got married, and every year at Christmas he had given her a serving piece and she had given him a Wallace Christmas bell. After they divorced, Erica began to hate her china. And she hated the Wallace Christmas bells even more. When she mentioned selling all of it online or having a garage sale, her mother came to her house, picked the china and bells up, and told her, “I will save these for your daughters to have someday. If you change your mind in a few years, this beautiful stuff will be at my house.”
Marcus, a thirty-nine-year-old website administrator, got the house in the divorce. He liked the house and was glad to retain it as an asset, but he felt funny about sleeping in his marital bed. He sold the bed, bought a new one, and moved out of the main bedroom to the guest bedroom for a while. “The rest of the house was okay, but too many fricking memories in that bedroom,” he shared with a friend.
Elaine’s husband left his old Mercedes at the house. He asked her to sell it for him and get the best price she could. She was having a garage sale that weekend and sold his Mercedes to a college kid for $100. No, her ex was not happy about it. (If you ever see “divorce sale” in the local listings for garage sales, you can be sure to pick up some things at a great price. The seller is motivated by more than money to get rid of all that stuff!)
Feel free to discard, donate, relocate, or temporarily pack up anything that bothers you. Keep sentimental records and photos; just put them away. If you have a family, someone (even you) may want to see your wedding photos again one day.
Many people going through a divorce are in emotional and physical pain. If you are hurting, it’s a natural response to deep grief.
Jeff went to the dentist. After twenty-three years of marriage, Jeff’s wife had left him for someone with whom they’d gone to high school. His wife’s lover was in his fifties while Jeff was just forty-eight. Jeff was stunned she had left him for an older man. He was in denial and besides his mouth hurting, the rest of him was in a good deal of pain as well from the separation. When he woke up in the mornings, he didn’t know what time it was and he couldn’t seem to catch his breath.
The X-rays showed that Jeff needed a root canal, so the dentist numbed his mouth. He realized, for the first time in eight months, that he wasn’t in pain. It felt great to be numb. Jeff was a career firefighter and had medical training—but it was only in the dentist’s chair that he realized that a good antidepressant might help him. He went to the doctor, got a prescription, and felt like a new person. He stayed on the medication for about a year. Looking back, he realized that it saved him from that razor feeling in his chest and got him through a difficult time.
If you are having physical pain or so much emotional pain that you cannot stand it, or even if you feel numb, see a medical professional. It can be a great decision for the right person.
Sometimes people think that dying would be a logical way to get away from the pain. Rest assured that it’s normal to want a cessation of the pain of divorce, and sometimes your mind sets up creative ways to get you off the hook. Most feelings of suicide are temporary, and a response to feeling like, “I am so sick of all of this I would do anything to get away from here.”
Anna was driving home one night when she thought, “What if I ran my car off of the road? Would it matter? Anything would be preferable to this . . .” Before she went to bed, she thought of that fleeting instinct, and it scared her. What was wrong with her? She was separated and had two daughters in high school. She was thirty-six, and she had a lot to live for; what would possess her to feel that way?
Rod, forty and separated, was having some pretty wild thoughts and fantasies about dying. He was terrified to tell anyone. Deep inside he knew he wasn’t serious—he was just being vengeful. But why was he doing this to himself? What Rod realized was that he didn’t want to die— he just wanted to be somewhere else. Rod had grown up on a beach, so when he felt really low he trained himself to imagine that he was on that beach, looking out at the water. After about six months, he no longer needed to use the visualization.
This is important: If you continue to have suicidal thoughts, seek help from a medical professional. In most cases, it’s a phase and will pass as you move through the recovery process. But if suicidal thoughts are persistent, don’t hesitate to ask for help.
Who were you as a child? Whatever happened to you back then may resurface. Divorce brings out a lot of childhood feelings, the bad ones as well as the good. Childish behavior is quite common during separation and divorce.
You may have a tantrum like a three-year-old on a playground because your marriage is ending. If you feel like someone walked off with your favorite Barbie doll, that’s normal. Reverting to childish behavior is okay: you are working through the same type of hurt now.
Julia, who works at her church and has middleschool-aged girls, has a cousin from England. As a child, Julia would copy her cousin’s accent for fun. Julia began to mimic this old accent again at thirty-five, just to see if anyone noticed.
Al, a sports writer with two kids in elementary school, was divorcing and not by choice; it was his wife’s call. He had been a baseball star on his little league team. At forty, he hit the batting cage regularly and joined a softball league. He wanted to get sweaty and dirty and exhausted again.
Allison, a thirty-nine-year-old mom of three kids, jumped on her kid’s trampoline in the backyard, reliving her seventh-grade gymnastics glory days. She also lay on the trampoline and looked at the stars at night, and cried a little. It made her feel better.
Kirk, a thirty-year-old security guard, won “Most Witty” in high school. He watched the comedy channels and Saturday Night Live religiously. When he got divorced he wrote some comedy routines and tried them out, doing stand-up at a local comedy club.
If you suffered any trauma as a child, divorce has a way of magnifying those feelings and bringing them back to life. Issues of abandonment or anything negative can come up again for you postdivorce. Seek professional help if it gets out of hand, but realize it’s normal to feel this way.
Caroline’s father died when she was four. Later in life, her divorce was unimaginably bad for her. She felt like she wasn’t going to make it; she physically hurt all over for months. A psychologist helped her understand that she felt like she was losing a parent all over again. Basically, she had abandonment issues and the loss of divorce was magnified for her because of the trauma she survived as a young child.
Whatever your childhood tendencies were, it’s not uncommon for them to reemerge during divorce. It’s simply part of the healing process, so let your inner child out for a while.
Divorce brings forth strong feelings. It impacts everyone involved. Some people who separate do a dance: they go back and forth between remorse for their actions and relief at being away from the other person. If the initiator has a conscience, they will probably be aware of how they are affecting everyone. They may vacillate between one stance and another. On one hand, they may feel really guilty, but they may feel relieved, at the same time. It’s a common experience during divorce.
Marla left a long-term abusive marriage. She felt uncertain about moving out for a long time. Her father was a minister and told her marriage was a permanent arrangement and to go back to her husband. It took her many hours of prayer to feel forgiven by God. She asked for her children’s forgiveness and was surprised when they forgave her willingly. Although she has a full life now, Marla has never really given herself a break for fracturing her family.
Some people may feel a huge sense of relief at not having to live up to a partner’s expectations anymore. People leaving a marriage who feel relief say that no matter what the consequences, they just couldn’t stay in the relationship. They may even enjoy their new freedom and feel guilty for not feeling worse about ending the relationship.
For twenty-five years, Greg lived with a controlling wife. He felt for many years he had made compromises to keep her happy. Greg liked living in his hometown, but as they got older, his wife kept talking about retiring and moving to the country with her family one hundred miles away, and after a while something died in him. He realized he had no say in his future, and it broke the marriage. Greg moved out and felt a great deal of relief at being away from her. He refused to speak to her on the phone and ducked questions from his grown children. Greg began smoking cigars at a local cigar shop and met a great group of guys who hung out there. They played golf, and he took part in their annual chili cook-off. He felt sad about his family situation, but he was having a good time and felt deeply relieved when he heard his ex-wife had met someone new and that she was getting serious with him. “She found a new person to tell what to do!” He told his friends at the cigar shop.